what do you do if they refuse to believe they have a problem??

[tennesseyhennessey]

Have been plodding along since big fight end of may bank holiday weekend with DH. Since then we have had periods where he has just ignored me, put all mine and dds shoes in bin bag because he was fed up of looking at them. (they were under a radiator drying out from all the rain, not intentionally left out) And finally when looking afte the Dc yesterday morning, he lost his temper and smashed ds pirate ship by throwing it on floor in front of both dc.

My SDad picked them up in the afternoon as dh had to work and this was the first thing dd told him, 'daddy got angry and broke 'dsname' pirate ship'. It was also the first thing she told me. She's upset (5years) and doesnt want us to go home because 'daddy always shouts'. Stayed at my SDads last night, as dh on nights and i was out for dinner. Dh has not denied it, and called me a hypocrite becasue i lose my temper and do tell them off but i never show violence and i always apologise if i shout. He didnt seem upset my me telling him the kids are scared of him.

He saw a dr for depression but only took the 4 week tablets he was given to try, he was meant to go back but claims there's nothing wrong. How can i make him see this isnt right or is it pointless? I spend my time anxious of him coming home because i dont know what mood he's in. He's never hit me or the kids but im worried what may happen if he's capable of breaking toys in anger. I dont know what to do?!

Yup, get rid of this man. It may be possible to have him put out of the family home and forbidden to return: as far as a court is concerned it's the children's home and they have a right to live in it without the presence of an abusive man. Talk to WA and a good solicitor.

I wish I had a pound for every women who has asked that.

And I wish I had a hundred for every year of my own life I have wasted in the past asking myself that question.

When you are young, it can be really difficult to believe that someone wont change if you explain enough about the effects of their behaviour on you, or other strategies.

I learned very much the hard way at 50 that Hot damn is right. As she says:

You accept that they do not want to change, and make your own decision as to where that leaves you.

Obviously step one is to explain how you feel and try to work with him to sort it out, if he is willing. You need to be very clear about what you are willing to accept, and live with, both with him, and more importantly, with yourself.

It may well work.

BUT he is just as likely to blame you, blame circumstances, and do or say anything other than change his behaviour. And you need to be clear with yourself, as above, because that is the confusing point at which it is easy to drift on for years, not seeing th wood for the trees and unsure who is to blame for what.

In which case Hotdamn's advice comes into the picture. You tell yourself that he doesnt want to change, or he doesnt want to enough, or he cant, but at any rate you cant live like that (assuming you cant).

I tried to for a few years, and failed miserably, making myself quite ill finally. It was only when I made plans to leave and he knew that I meant business that he got his act together.

I find it hard to tell him how i feel face to face as i usually end up crying so much i forget what i need to say and i usually get told to stop playing the martyr and that im not perfect, which i know im not.

Nobody's perfect - it's not a standard you should hold yourself to.
Imperfect as you are, you still have a right to your feelings, and a right to be treated with respect - all the more so in your own home.

That's not "playing the martyr" by any stretch.

well ive packed some stuff and just waiting to be collected by sdad. dh and i have spoken. i said he'd prob be best to move back to his home town which is about 2 hours away. he said he might as well through himself off a motorway bridge. obviously that made me cry htsterically!

More script behaviour I'm afraid! These bullies ALWAYS threaten suicide when told they are being dumped!

Oh yes of course he would say that...and when it doesn't stop you leaving him, he will get horrid instead. Probably

I hope you are still going to your stepdad's. Good luck x

It is his problem btw if he feels like that - he might mean it, his life might be one big mess, but I don't think that has anything to do with you and nor can you change it for him.

He might well be almost grateful to have an excuse to have some space, where he can feel sorry for himself and indulge his victim mentality.

when someone says something like that, often they know you can't actually help them, by staying or going or anything you do at all...they just are self centred and thinking only of their own poor feelings, and I bet you he is quite happy about it really - because it makes it all your decision, so he can say, Oh she left me, aren't I a poor old thing?

People who set things up to be so bad in a relationship that their partner eventually tells them to f off, normally have a reason for doing so, that they don't actually want to be there at all. So you'll be doing him a favour. Just don't let on that you realise this.

I mean he probably doesn't even realise it himself. But he cannot expect to act like a brute, and have you keep him. He knows on some level what he is doing.

Standard response, I'm afraid. It's emotional blackmail.

I had "I'll just go throw myself under a train then!" when I dared to express my feelings. (He didn't.)

Bear in mind that even if he does (he won't), it's his decision. You cannot make anyone do anything. He is the master of all of his own actions.

They are never so obliging as to actually fucking die. Don't give it another thought. Concentrate on yourself and your DC.

Classic classic response.

He will play on your sympathy. Just stop for 5 minutes and think of this I remember hanging up the phone to my sdad and thinking how bloody awful it was that i was too anxious to ring DH to come and help me get home with our poorly ds

He wouldn't give two hoots for you. Save your energy for your DC

i have unfortunately had to talk to him about an incident reguarding our dd. As if today couldnt get anyworse, when i was packing our stuff i let her play next door with neighbours dd who is a year older. negihbour shouted me saying dd said she was feeling poorly and wanted to come home. was having a cuddle with her and noticed her pants werent on, after gently quizzing her next doords dd told her to tae them off to play drs and she touched my dd on the ouside of her bits and put her finger inside her. I feel sick. Neighbour had gone out when i went round and i had to get out the house but had to tell dh incase she comes round tomorrow with dds knickers!

he's completely gone off on one at me, saying that its all about money. Im self employed worl 6 days but he doesnt consider it work asd its a shop to do with a hobby. no it doesnt bring in much money but it enablesme to do all school runs and not require out of hours care for the kids. He says im not even trying to bring more money in. how can i when i work 6 out of 7, he works nights so i cant even get a bar job. Im so sorry but im sat here crying and ive never wanted to die more than i do now.

How is your DD?

I note that while you are concerned about your child, his priority is to berate you about imagined money-grasping. What does that say about him?

she's ok but whereas im aware that it can be nartural for children to lookat each others bits im concerned for my dd because when she told her she didnt want to play drs anymore the girl told her 'its my house you play what i want to' therefore making me think she wanted to carry on. dd said she told her to touch her and she said she did but only the outside. I just hate knowing that she was scared and feigned ill ness to come home.

He was very concerned about the incidnet and told me i needed to go back home and speka to neighbour tonight but i dont drive and it would take about 1 1/2 to walk there and my dad has had a drink so cant drive me. The money thing started because he said why is it always me telling him how awful he is and how he's in the wrong, and brought up how i told him the kids are scared of him. He says i dont worry like him about money but to behonest we can pay our bills put food on the table and have about £60 a month each for ourselves which is a damn site more than others.

It sounds silly but i cant give him an answer to the money situation becasue there isnt one. My shop enables us to use minimal childcare whilst taking the kids with me when i need to. If i were to get a 'proper'job as he calls it it'd have to be a bloody well paid one to be able to afford childcare as we wouldnt be eligible for tax credits help. I also do verything for the kids. my ds is poorly and is up and down 2/3 times a night which i deal with. i get them up washed dressed fed. i fucking hate this.

You don't need to get embroiled in these debates with him.
You don't need to prove anything to him.
All you need to know is what you will and will not tolerate in your relationship, and to feel confident that those feelings are valid, whatever they are.

(also, in your last paragraph you say you can't give him an answer, but you just wrote it out right there, and it's a very good one.)

The money thing started because he said why is it always me telling him how awful he is and how he's in the wrong, and brought up how i told him the kids are scared of him.

He's deflecting. Abusive men can't stand to feel in the wrong. So he had to pile blame on you for something, anything, to deflect any kind of criticism coming his way. It's pathetic, really.

If this is any comfort, I think your DD is a very clever and well balanced little girl for saying she feels unwell so you come and get her. She got herself out of a situation she didn't like, she sounds really together, and she knew instinctively that you would be here for her.
Big shock for you obviously, and not the sort of thing you'd want to be dealing with today - or any day - but you are all doing so well.