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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Seeing a man with children....

40 replies

theendishere · 15/07/2012 08:37

I've been seeing someone for a month who has 2 teenage children who live with him nearly half of the week, including every Sunday and some Friday and saturdays.
I hav one ds who will spend every other weekend with his dad.
It's fantastic new man is such a devoted dad but hard that opportunities to see eachother don't include weekends.
Guess this is pretty normal once you get to yor 40's ? Just all unfamiliar to me and definately no plans to meet eachothers children for a long time.

OP posts:

CatSocks · 15/07/2012 08:47

Speaking as a stepmum to two now in their twenties step-kids.

When I first met my DH one was 14, the other 18/19. He also was a devoted father and spent as much time as he could with his children. I had to make the decision extrememly early on, if this was something that I wanted as part of my life, accept it and get on with it.

Like you say, there aren't many in their forties who don't come with baggage!

The children are now great great friends of mine, I love them dearly. But they have moved on, got older, and obviously they have their own lives now.

This will happen to your partners children too, they will move on, and you won't see them so much.

The financial and emotional implications are serious issues when there are dependant step-kids. You simply need to decide if you want this in your life or not.

Original poster

theendishere · 20/07/2012 10:49

Thanks :)
Anyone else?

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 20/07/2012 10:52

wow - I have no idea about your situation. But I thought CatSocks gave good advice, only to be brushed off by a "thanks, anyone else"

Bit rude...

MissFaversam · 20/07/2012 11:02

That's the way it is OP when children are involved. You say that your child is also home some weekends too and I guess you don't see him then either.

I didn't meet my boyfriends children for 6 months, which to me is about right.

msrantsalot · 20/07/2012 11:06

My boyf has DC's every weekend. I have every 2nd weekend free. Bit of a passion killer but just have to make the most of it.

CakeMeIAmYours · 20/07/2012 11:10

I am a pretty hands off 'step mum', and its actually not been anywhere near as hard as I thought it would be.

I think the important thing is to be clear in your own mind how involved you wish to be and to ensure that your DP is in compete agreement with you.

For example, if DH had wanted me to be fully involved as a co-parenting step mum (which he would have been perfectly reasonable to expect) then the relationship would have always been beset by problems because I wouldn't have been comfortable with that.

Also, I've gone out of my way to cultivate my own hobbies, interests etc so I occupy myself with these when DH is with his DC. Again, if I were less independent, I would probably have been resentful of his DCs (very reasonable) rights to his attention and time.

There's no hard and fast rule, you just have to decide where you stand on the issue of his DC and negotiate an arrangement that you are genuinely content with. If that arrangement can't be reached, then the relationship is a no-goer I'm afraid.

In answer to your question, I would be quite suspicious of a man who had reached his 40s without having DCs/ex wife. Those are the ones you really have to watch imo.

BigBandwitch · 20/07/2012 11:12

I am seeing a man who has teenagers and he spends roughly every second weekend with them, but mid week as well. Sometimes it can go ten days without meeting up and I think, is this working? Sometimes he's on his own with his kids at the weekend and I am too, and yet it wouldn't be right to try and do introductions and all meet up. The thought of that! it makes me wince! how do other people manage it?

GetOrfMoiiLand · 20/07/2012 11:24

Logistics aside, it is a good thing isn't it that a man spends as much time as possible with his children.

I would look down on a bloke who voluntarily spent a cursory amount of time with his children, tbh.

It will be awkward but if he is a decent bloke it is worth it, surely?

Original poster

theendishere · 20/07/2012 11:33

Thanks so much for all the responses :)
Yes it's great he's such a good dad, it's just all new to me and so unlike the days of seeing someone before children were around. Can easily see us sometimes not seeing eachother for a week or 2 due to other comittments but guess that's the way it is once you're in your 40's with other priorities.
I agree about being ary of the men in their 40's without ex's and kids.
Feel a bit better about it now - just miss him when i don't see him!!

OP posts:

maristella · 20/07/2012 11:42

My DP has ayoung child and he adores her :)

However he really is a Disney Dad! No boundaries, rules, rewards, consequences etc. That can make it quite difficult. He brings her around sometimes and while it can be fun, it ends up being me who has to ask his DC not to jump on sofas, not to bash us in the head etc. He asks, doesn't get listened to, then gives up, so I have to say no a lot. His DC is not like this when with Mum.

DP also goes very insular in the run up to his time with DC, he goes into his own little world, which is hard work. When he is with DC he still messages me, and will instigate text and phone convos but they are very short, and a bit cold in truth. He really detaches from everyone else when with DC.
In truth I find that difficult.

Saying all that I know I'm with a man who would do anything for his DC, and that would apply to any chidlren we would have together, he is Dad for life.

MrsToddNeeLovett · 20/07/2012 11:55

I have a first date with a man in his 40s with two teenage sons tonight. I have been talking (well, texting/facebooking) him for ages but I have put off meeting him for this very reason. I wasn't sure if I could hack it. He has his sons EVERY Saturday night and my sons go to their dad's every other Saturday night. I think those weekends when I'm on my own are going to be so weird if I knew I had a boyfriend that I couldn't see.

But - as others have said, if a man reaches his 40s and has no "baggage" there is something wrong. Therefore, I have decided to give it a go. If we hit it off, great - if I like him enough, I'll just have to cherish the times we DO get to spend together. If at any time I start feeling resentful, I'll hope I have the strength to say goodbye.

Original poster

theendishere · 24/07/2012 21:49

I really respect and like the fact he's such a devoted dad. But not being able to plan anything for us at weekends would become a big issue i think. added to that his kids are 14 and 18 so not exactly needing him to be around all the time (esp the 18 yo)

OP posts:

Original poster

theendishere · 25/07/2012 08:07

MrsTodd - how did the date go?!
I've been thinking a lot about new man and not sure i could dela with it in the long term. Basically he has said he can rarely plan anything at the weekend as he always has the kids on sunday and is likes to be around if they want do do anything on saturdays. I totally understnd him wanting to spend time with his kids and have told him its one of the things i like abut him. however in terms of a relationship for him only to be free 3 days a week is going to be very difficult, and kind of harder to understand given their ages!

OP posts:

Original poster

theendishere · 28/07/2012 23:07

bump...

OP posts:

TheHappyHissy · 29/07/2012 16:37

My BF has a 5yo, he has him every week Thurs to Sunday. I have a 6yo, I have him full time.

To begin with we saw each other on Sundays, some fridays. Now, 3m on, we tend to meet up all together on Saturdays, he comes over to mine on Sundays, with the odd evening here and there. It IS hard for us to get some serious alone time, but we're working on it. It helps as our children are similar ages, get on really well and love playing together, otherwise it's make things tough to arrange, and expensive too with all the babysitting, we could go for weeks without seeing one another, and that is not what either of us wants.

Your situation is more difficult, fwiw, I do think he's being a little unreasonable about not planning time with you, at least on the weekends that you are child-free. He does need to make more of an effort. Have you spoken to him about this? CAN you pin him down to plan some things a couple of weeks in advance?

He has to make time for an adult in his life, his kids need to see this and will understand this.

Offred · 29/07/2012 17:03

I have my kids all the time and always have. It means that my DH, who lived hundreds of miles away when I met him, had no choice but to see all of us together. He's never had a problem, that's just how it is and always had been. xp used to complain about the children having been introduced straight away and yes it wouldn't have been ideal if it was a trivial casual thing but I spent a while talking to DH before we started officially and it was clear that it was serious and neither of us would have got with each other living at opposite ends of the country and with me having children. We were married a year after our first date. I think it was rich of xp to complain when he also was refusing to have the children

I think if you really like someone you make the effort to get over the hurdles and if you don't and the relationship starts feeling like a drag then it is probably a sign it isn't right.

Original poster

theendishere · 29/07/2012 20:59

I have spoken to him about it and he says he feels pressured/stressed but does want to see me more. He's basically 'on call' for his kids on a saturday and always has them sat night - monday. Then 1 or 2 other days in the week. He says he needs to speak to them about not always being available and he should make time for himself but nothing's changed yet.
I don't at all want to come between him and his kids but do feel at the ages of 14 and 18 it's a bit much he has to be on call/with them all the time.
He then told me a few days ago that he has a football season ticket and most of the matches are on saturdays...so he can obviously plan for them.
He seems very keen on me but this is going to be a huge issue and he told me it was a bit issue with his last gf - although it ended up being him to finish with her. Don't know what to do...

OP posts:

WaitingForMe · 29/07/2012 21:08

TBH I think you need wooing in the early days kids or not. DH managed to make time for me and had a honeymoon period alongside having his kids. I had to be flexible about doing stuff midweek or Sunday nights but we managed.

I think unless you have them 24/7 it's possible. Incidentally his ex who has them the majority of the time also managed to find and build a relationship with her boyfriend.

Offred · 29/07/2012 21:24

Tbh the kids don't seem to be the problem here. I think he just isn't that interested. I mean he says he is but what he is doing is giving greater priority to his football matches!! I don't really think it is a gf's place to start dictating when he sees his kids and I think you are probably only saying that because actually he is using them as an excuse not to get more serious in the relationship whilst telling you that he wants to do that.

Original poster

theendishere · 29/07/2012 22:23

Don't know what to think tbh.
Alot of his actions show that he is very interested, yet the kids situation is telling me the opposite. They're 14 and 18 so don't need 'minding' all the time do they?!
I think I'll just play it very cool for the next few days, not text at all and see is reaction (or lack of it)...
He does seem to 'baby' his kids though so maybe this is why he's so reluctant to say he's not free to give lifts, etc. Their mum was (and still is to some extent) quite irresponsible and in the last year or so they were togther was almost an alcohilic and the poor kids witnessed her throwing up and being very drunk. Think he's very, very protective of them

OP posts:

Original poster

theendishere · 29/07/2012 22:50

bump

OP posts:

Original poster

theendishere · 30/07/2012 07:17

another bump..
Just don't know what to do. Thinking of ending it with him, but when i slightly suggested that might be an option a few days ago, he said he really didnt want that to happen..

OP posts:

Offred · 30/07/2012 07:45

Why does he get to decide. For me as an onlooker it seems simple; he likes where you are now, he is not willing to progress the relationship right now (for whatever reason). You have a number of choices; if you do want to progress the relationship give it time to see if he eventually changes his mind but accept what he is telling you right now or end it because you want different things and therefore won't make each other happy (and stop pestering about his kids). If you don't want to progress the relationship carry on as you are and stop pestering him about what he is doing with his own children which is entirely up to him!

I am aware it is easier to be outside it. However I don't get why you are leaving it up to mumsnet or him to decide. What will make you happy? What do you want from him? Can he give you that? Then decide for yourself.

madbutnotbad · 30/07/2012 09:08

I used to date a man with children who spent every weekend traveling an hour away to stay with them. We were together for over a year and in that time never spent a weekend/weekend evening together. I would not have changed it for the world as to me it was how it should be.

Yes this mans children are older now and less "needy" but do you really want him to tell them that because he has a new lady he can no longer be there when they need him? The fact that he still feels he should be on call all weekend for them speaks volumes about him as a father.

It is not really fair of you to expect him to see his children less because it doesn't suit you - how would you feel if he said the same to you? Can you not get a babysitter and go out more during the week?

I hope you find a way to work this out to make you happy. If a relationship doesn't make you happy then you need to say a fond farewell and move on.

Mobly · 30/07/2012 10:04

Agree with madbutnotbad.

Also, I think you're jumping the gun here, you've only been seeing him a month, you hardly even know him. You're making judgements on the children's mother, you're saying he babies his children and that at their ages they should not be so demanding etc etc.

At their ages, especially the 14yr old, of course they still need the stability in access arrangements with their dad. I think you are showing a serious lack of understanding to his situation.

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