Seeing a man with children....

[theendishere]

I've been seeing someone for a month who has 2 teenage children who live with him nearly half of the week, including every Sunday and some Friday and saturdays.
I hav one ds who will spend every other weekend with his dad.
It's fantastic new man is such a devoted dad but hard that opportunities to see eachother don't include weekends.
Guess this is pretty normal once you get to yor 40's ? Just all unfamiliar to me and definately no plans to meet eachothers children for a long time.

I don't think it's that weird for a man to be in his forty's and have no "baggage". One of my best mates is of that age and has not had children. He simply has not met anyone who he would like to have children with - in fact he is not even sure he wants them! Surely it is better to be like this than go along with having children just because that's what everyone else thinks should happen rather than what you actually want. There are too many broken families out there already without adding to the problem.
Sorry - a bit off topic...
Anyway, I am seeing a man with 2 children (they are polite, clean, tidy, respectful- no issues at all). I first started seeing him a few years ago when they were much younger and there was a lot of Disney Dad going on. Not the kids fault, in fact they were quite pleasant to be around. Eventually after many arguments I said I couldn't see him any more and that he needed balance in his life as eventually his children would grow up and he would be a sad lonely old man. Fast forward approx 10 years and I received a phone call telling me that he was indeed a sad lonely old man! We are back together and things are better. There is more balance. He sees his children when he can (shift work...) and is there when they need him. They are young adults now and would much rather be with their mates than hanging around with Dad!
I think you need to have a chat with him regarding your concerns. It is hard. It may be that the kids want a bit more freedom than rigid access times (particularly if it is far away from their mates!). I would give it a bit of time and after these discussions if it doesn't change then you either have the choice to leave or find someway of dealing with it.
Harsh, but true (sadly)...

Your BF has had a bad experience by the sounds of it.

You have been seeing him for a month.

It's WAY too early to get too serious. He won't have dealt with his emotions wrt his ex in the same way that you might have done. He will be wary, he will be protective of his children.

It's still very much early days, see him once a week for the next few weeks, keep up communicating in between, chill out and see what happens.

You've told him how you feel wrt seeing him, let him sit with that info and work it out for himself. If he's a keeper, he'll get there.

Thanks for all your replies :) This is all new to me and it's helpful to hear from those who have been in similar positions.
I think I'll leave things as they are for now and just see how things go. Of course it may be that he now ends it because he said he felt pressured - which wasn't my intention at all. And of course there is the football issue - he can clearly plan around that so maybe as offred said he wants things to just stay as they are for now. if only he'd just say that!!

Happyhissy - he split up with his ex over 7 years ago! it's me who's only recently split up with stbx (and am very unfortuantley still living in the same house as him)

Ah, ok, but my comment still stands somehow.

Ask yourself how serious you would/ should be about someone who says they are split up but are still living with their ex....

After 4 weeks of seeing them.

Sorry, but until you're actually single, i think you're asking for too much.

I am only living in the same house as my ex out of sheer necessity and he is fully aware of this. We are separated and the divorce papers have een sent to court so i do not consider myself to be in any sort of relationship with ex.
We are separated and therefore i should be free to see peopleif i so choose

Having to live with an ex partner for a time after a split is more common than you might think. It's not always feasible for one person to move out straight away because of, for example, finances. When my ex and I split he had to live here for another 6 months afterwards because his wage covered all the household expenses. What was he supposed to use to move out? Living with someone does not equal being in a relationship with them.

theendishere, my partner and I were in a similar situation when we started seeing each other as well, although the children involved are much younger. He has his daughters every other weekend, for the first month or so of our relationship my ex still lived here, and it was very difficult for us to see each other. In fact, for the first 5 months or so we had to make do with seeing each other once a fortnight because it wasn't feasible any other time. If things develop further, it does get easier. If you do both want things to go further then it just involves a heck of a lot of patience and a lot of compromising. We're much better now because as our relationship developed we met each other's children and we can all spend time together without it being an issue. Once my ex moved out it also took a lot of strain off of the friendship between the two of us and we now get on a lot better, he often takes the children for the weekend when he can and life is generally much easier for everyone.

They're 14 and 18 so don't need 'minding' all the time do they?! Surely having them at the weekend is about more than "minding" them! He is maintaining his relationship with them, making sure they know he is a stable in their lives, still raising them, making them into responsible people, taking an interest in their lives. I think that is fab!

My friend is dating a guy who can't seem to understand how much his dc want to see him (they are teens too) & she is finding it hard (as a mother herself) to handle that. She couldn't understand his lack of concern when one was sick recently. She fully expected him to cancel their time together, but he dismissed his child's illness as if it was nothing & that shocked a few of us (his dc had a fit, so not like she just had a cold)

"We are separated and therefore i should be free to see peopleif i so choose"

Yes, I'm sure you are free to come and go as you please, but don't expect to be respected as much as you would be if you were living on your own.

think about it, how many women would be advised to go full steam ahead with a bloke still sharing a house with his supposed ex?

The man you are dating doesn't need to commit 100% to you, after a few dates, when he has his own life, his kids and you are still embroiled with your ex.

By embroiled I mean you are still in contact with him on a daily basis, there IS still 'stuff' going on between you. To the outside world, to a neighbour walking past your home, you are a family unit. You have not had the time on your own to reflect on where your marriage went wrong, on how it's affected you, and you certainly have not learned from it, you can't do that until you are literally alone and well and truly outside of the former marriage.

Don't put too much pressure on a new BF relationship, you are not in a position to do so, not physically, nor emotionally. You need to grieve your marriage properly, you need to dissect it and see what really happened. You can't do this when still living under the same roof.

I know you won't be happy to read this, you will be angry and dismissive of me, but you will come to see that I am right, but only when you have been on your own for a few months, in your own place.

Life WILL get better. The guy you are seeing is NOT your Mr Forever Man, he is a transition, you will learn from him and move on. If Mr Perfect knocked on your door this very afternoon, YOU would not be ready for HIM, but one day you will be.

Hissy, with respect alot of what you say is not right. You know very little about my marriage, how it failed etc. I have had a very long time to wok ou what when wrong, to grieve for it, etc.
yes we still live in the same house, OUT OF NECESSITY. Not becuase we want to or choose to, and in fact it is increasinly common now becuase of the cost of renting etc. Our house will be up for sale as soon as the finances are agreed and th divorce is already in motion. We are not living as a family and you do not know whether i'm ready for a new relationship!!!

You're rushing. No good dad is going to change his long-standing access arrangements for a woman he's been dating sporadically over a month. You are also still living with your STBExH - although you're not be in a marital relationship with him, it is still a relationship e.g. maybe he has the dc when you see your new chap for instance?

If his dcs are 18 & 14 they aren't going to want to be hanging round with dear old dad all the time, but if they have an alcoholic mother then the stability he gives them is very important, especially in the teen years when they learn to become men. In the meantime, you have to sell your home, become 'properly' single & let your own access arrangements settle down.

Some people take a year or two to get to the point you mention, by which time certainly his eldest will be more independent. I'm not suggesting you hang around for 2 years and see if anything changes but as the months progress talking about and planning for your futures together would be a positive sign.

As i said, i don't expect you to get my point, you're not in the right place to see it.

Until you have ended contact, sharing of roof etc you somehow ARE still connected to your STBX.

You're NOT ready for this relationship, you 're rushing headlong into this, when you're still actually married.

Again, who in their right mind here would tell a woman to push for a relationship with a guy who says hes separated, but still sharing a house.

MOST MNers would shriek BOLLOCKS to him, Leave the Bastard, and you know that.

I understand I've hit a nerve, but I'm not going to back down because i see that you're coming across badly, desperate even.

You've known this bloke 5 minutes, and want HIM to move his life around, when his family have already been through so much, yet you have very little of your own life to offer him.

You DO need time alone to see whats what. Being alone gives you independence and strength. Jumping from a marriage to another relationship without giving yourself time to grow is usually a disaster.

This bloke you're seeing is NOT MrForever, he's someone to learn from AND MOVE ON.

You can't gain that self control UNLESS the time alone is taken.

Are you frightened of being alone? Its OK, we've all been there, but believe me, its so worthwhile taking the time for us. To take stock.

I don't know you, but I've been married, separated, divorced. I've been in a 10 year abusive relationship, got out, fought agoraphobia, scared shitless of myself and everybody.

Even when a divorce or split is amicable, you still blame yourself, no matter the circumstances. I know what a 'nice' divorce does to a person.

I've spent a year working very hard to repair myself, and have been tentatively dating since christmas. Since April ive been seeing someone, and its going really well, but i had to kiss (only) a couple of frogs before i got here... and I've been living on my own now since February last year.

Enjoy life, don't take anything too seriously, work on yourself, and once you've got the divorce, house etc stuff sorted, I GUARANTEE the quality of relationship you'll be able to attract, and enjoy will improved markedly.

I'm not judging you, do you realise that? I'm trying to help you improve your lot. Because i know you can.

I've left things a while to see if the weekend thing changes, not mentioned it at all because i agree with what some posters have said - that it neees to be his decsion to spend more time with me at the weekend.
However now the footbal season has started, he has managed to "plan" 2 saturdays already to go to the football, but hasn't planned any saturdays with me. I mentioned something i wanted to do in acouple of sats time, and he said he couldn't because of footaball and going out afterwards :/
I asked if that meant he was now more availble on saturdays and could we plan in aything - he just said "it sounded like a plan". Due to see him tonight (more football for him tomorrow) and am unsure whether to mention it again, think maybe best to leave it and see what he says? If he says nothing guess i have my answer that he doesn't want to see me at weekends

bump

If, after only a month, you feel like he's not really bothered for seeing you, it means he's not really bothered for seeing you. Plus you live with the ex which is an extra thing not to be bothering with.
Sorry. You've no grounds for feeling arsey about his childcare arrangements.