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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dp has been txting another woman

38 replies

AnaemicPrincess · 15/07/2012 01:24

I have been feeling really suspicious lately as Dp has been very guarded over his phone. I know I shouldnt have but I had a look earlier while he was in the bath and low and behold there were txts on it to another woman. The conversation had obviously been recently deleted as there were only a handful of messages that were sent/received today talking about her coming over for cuddle etc so nothing racy as such.

I feel sick to my stomach and utterly betrayed and also angry with myself for looking as I know I was in the wrong and now can't confront him because of this. I don't think that it has gone beyond txting but to me this is just as bad. We only moved in together less then 2 months ago (he asked me and Ds to move in with him) what makes it worse is that my last relationship (ds's dad) was very abusive and I was cheated on more times then I'll ever know and dp knows this. What do I do? Are txts such as this ever harmless? I feel like my world is crashing around me again and i feel like a useless mother because ds is in the middle of it.

OP posts:

skyebluesapphire · 15/07/2012 01:30

so sorry. you need to talk to him about this.....

im divorcing my husband because he walked out saying that he didnt love me any more, but he was texting another woman 100 times a day and emailing her .

Im not saying this is the end of your relationship, but you need to talk to him and find out how far its gone and then decide whether its something you are able to forgive....

Original poster

AnaemicPrincess · 15/07/2012 01:33

Thank you so much for replying and I'm so sorry for what you are going through :(

I honestly just don't understand. We had such a lovely day today (most days are good but just felt like we had a particularly nice day today) and then this. I feel like everything he said/did for me today was out of guilt.

OP posts:

maras2 · 15/07/2012 01:47

Princess,don't stay awake worrying all night.Wake him up now and demand to know WTF is going on.Good luck,Mx.

skyebluesapphire · 15/07/2012 01:51

My H was very guarded with his phone, he deleted emails and texts, he took his phone everywhere, he text her all day every day from 8am to 11.30pm at night.

Does he have itemised billing that you could check? And check his emails too.

I only found everything out after my H had gone and I felt like we had been living a lie for weeks.... He talked about her all the time but as she was his best mates wife I didnt think anything of it...

Look out for the signs and see what else you can find out. If it mentions cuddles though it's progressed beyond texting hasn't it...

motherofallhangovers · 15/07/2012 01:57

If he's talking about her coming over for cuddles then it's probably already a physical relationship.

Inviting someone over for a cuddle is more than just texting with a friend, isn't it.

maras2 · 15/07/2012 02:04

I have a soft spot for Cropredy as my grandmother's family were bargees and her birth was registered in Oxfordshire even though she was born on the working narrow boat near Cropredy.There were 3 other siblings born after her between Nuneaton and Oxford as the boat carried coal between the two.This was at the turn of the 19/20 century.

Original poster

AnaemicPrincess · 15/07/2012 02:08

Im not sure if he has itemised billing which is stupid as it's me who pays the bloody bill (whole other story)

We're together a massive portion of each day as he isn't working ATM and I'm a student so now on summer holidays. I honestly dont see how he would have time for a physical affair as silly as that sounds!

I'm at work at the moment so can't confront him ATM. Im scared of losing him and that's why I haven't already beaten him around the head with his bloody phone. I know it's pathetic but I love him and mine and ds's whole future is built around him! I don't know if I have the stregth to pick up the pieces again after last time.

OP posts:

maras2 · 15/07/2012 02:10

So sorry Princess.Posted on the wrong thread.

Original poster

AnaemicPrincess · 15/07/2012 02:15

Don't worry about it maras, easily done :)

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 15/07/2012 02:15

That's shit OP, poor you. I think if you don't want to bring up the subject directly you could casually mention a magazine article you read about a similar situation maybe? and watch him sweat

That really is shit seeing as you've not been long living together

Two more things - you're NOT a useless mother and maras, seriously wrong thread but please link, it looks interesting...

At least it got bumped. Hopefully you'll get more help even tho it's late

motherofallhangovers · 15/07/2012 02:30

You could call your phone provider and ask them to make the bill itemised. It may well be itemised already actually, can you log in and see your bill online?

Who's your provider btw?

Original poster

AnaemicPrincess · 15/07/2012 02:36

Thanks glasses I like that idea. I know what I did was wrong but just don't want to give him the chance to use that as an excuse not to talk about it you know? I honestly do feel like a useless mum, Ds adores him and has had enough upset already :(

Provider is vodafone, may see what I can dig up. I'm scared though.

OP posts:

motherofallhangovers · 15/07/2012 02:41

Can you talk to someone in RL about this? I really think it might help to get a friend's pespective.

I'm worried by this " I love him and mine and ds's whole future is built around him! I don't know if I have the stregth to pick up the pieces again after last time."

If it comes to it, you will have the strength. Your and DS's future is a long time and it doesn't depend on this man! If he's not true to you (and it's not looking good) then you may have to pick yourself and DS up and leave.

MrsGrey · 15/07/2012 03:43

was his phone locked? do you know the code?

either his not that guarded as would he have taken it to the bathroom to text while in the bath and in private or just forgot to delete todays messages..
or is texts not quite in sense your thinking of?
do you know the person he was texting ?

izzyizin · 15/07/2012 04:02

ErikNorseman · 15/07/2012 08:05

Texting like that is not innocent ever. People will always find time to cheat if they are determined. Meeting once in 3 months but texting daily is still cheating isn't it?
If you gloss over this in the hope that he will magically become sorry and end it then you give him free pass to walk all over you (believe me). I know you don't want to split but ime you need to make him sweat before you tell him that. If you let him off too easily or quickly he will not feel the consequences of his betrayal and will either carry it on or do it again with someone else.
I'm sorry he has done this :(

skyebluesapphire · 15/07/2012 08:34

I'm with Vodafone and have free itemised billing Online, so get looking....

Be prepared though. I remember sitting there shaking as i realised that my Hwas texting her over 1500 times a month. I counted 140 texts the day before we went on holiday, texts on my birthday, valentines day, phone calls of an hour and a half..

Good luck and stay strong.

Teansympathy · 15/07/2012 08:35

Sorry you said now can't confront him because of this, YOU should be able to confront him on this ,he is the one that is cheating, I have just come out of a relationship where my DP was cheating and the proof was his mobile texts to him I caught him redhanded at 3am in the morning texting her, I copied the text then when he woke up gave him what for, this is only my experience but they are talking about coming over for a cuddle how much evidence do you need?, good luck to you on this and sorry it happened to you, and yea it does make you sick to the stomach it is the shock, but trust me life does get better, the releif is so great I thought I was going mad and imagining it all.x

NimpyWindowMash · 15/07/2012 08:52

I think you should confront... ok, you shouldn't have had a look... but you have trust issues due to your previous relationship. It's completely understandable that you would have had a look. If he is messing around with another woman, then it's irrelevant whether you should have looked or not. Sorry, I think it looks bad, and I think you should tell him what you've seen. I know you don't want to lose him, but don't stick your head in the sand. It's better to find out the truth.

puds11 · 15/07/2012 09:03

I'm sorry you're going through this Anaemic its a horrible feeling. Is your DP a bit of a pushover/ doesnt like to offend people? It may be a question of her saying things, and him being polite. That is the 'your DP's not cheating theory'.

On the other hand, phone guarding, deleting texts etc. are all classic signs of cheating. Even if they havnt done anything physical, or even said anything untoward, he is deleting the 'evidence' which suggests that he knows if you found it, you would be upset.

stargazy · 15/07/2012 09:10

DP knows you had a really hard time and were cheated on in your last relationship ,and that you and DS deserve and need so much more respect and stability.
You need to know now what's going on so look him in the eye and ask can I really trust you? If you don't want to admit to looking at his phone say you feel uneasy with his behaviour with his phone in general ie.guarding and gauge his response.Give him that one chance to wake up and come clean and then decide what's best for you and your DS.

If you feel he's fudging the matter check the online billing as Saphire suggests.I wish I'd thought to do that -rather than several days of total confusion knowing he must have had more contact than initially admitting to for her DH ring up so upset, and to have got to the point of explicit texting.
So,so sorry going through this.Its shit.DH and I recovers and stayed together.But our situation totally different ie. a previously long and solid marriage.Years of him being trustworthy and loving, then getting drawn into stupid mid-life crisis situation.

But just because your relationship is relatively new that doesn't lessen your feelings of loss and betrayal on discovering he's not the man you thought he was.Good luck x

MildredIsMyAlterEgo · 15/07/2012 09:14

Sorry OP but no way is this innocent. And you know this.

He is carrying his phone around like an iron lung - this says he has something to hide. Ditto deleting incriminating texts.

You need to confront him.

Oh, and you are NOT a useless mother. He sounds like a useless DP though.

Sorry OP

quietlysuggests · 15/07/2012 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skyebluesapphire · 15/07/2012 10:41

I gave my H enough rope to hang himself with. I started off by saying I have noticed that you talk about OW an awful lot, everything is coming from her point of view now instead of her H. Are you in contact with her, do you text her?

Him, no, well, maybe a couple times a day. No I dont email her or talk to her on facebook.

ME: - well I had to check the phone bill when I was doing your accounts and actually you have been texting her 100 times a day, so what is going on.

Him: Nothing, no its not like that, no I dont text her that much, yes of course her H knows, well maybe he doesnt know its that often , no I dont text her all day long, why do I text her at 8am as soon as I leave the house? well, just to say good morning, I dont text her much, oh the bill shows that I text her all day up to bedtime does it, well theres nothing going on, im just supporting her........

So even when faced with actual evidence, they will still deny it.....

MrsBucketxx · 15/07/2012 10:52

i would write the number down and call her. ask her what's going on and tell her to back off. Then confront him with the texts and tell him you called her and what you said, say its your last chance, speak to her again and its over.

had to do this myself and it worked a treat.

good luck whatever you decide to do.

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