Dp has been txting another woman

[AnaemicPrincess]

I have been feeling really suspicious lately as Dp has been very guarded over his phone. I know I shouldnt have but I had a look earlier while he was in the bath and low and behold there were txts on it to another woman. The conversation had obviously been recently deleted as there were only a handful of messages that were sent/received today talking about her coming over for cuddle etc so nothing racy as such.

I feel sick to my stomach and utterly betrayed and also angry with myself for looking as I know I was in the wrong and now can't confront him because of this. I don't think that it has gone beyond txting but to me this is just as bad. We only moved in together less then 2 months ago (he asked me and Ds to move in with him) what makes it worse is that my last relationship (ds's dad) was very abusive and I was cheated on more times then I'll ever know and dp knows this. What do I do? Are txts such as this ever harmless? I feel like my world is crashing around me again and i feel like a useless mother because ds is in the middle of it.

Firstly - I may be missing something, I've just finished a night shift and haven't slept since yesterday morning but I don't see any actual proof of cheating. Suspicious behavior maybe but it could easily be explained. There was a thread in the last day or two where the op found what she thought was suspicious computer activity which turned out to be quite innocent and was actually evidence of a really nice deed on her dp's part for someone else.

Secondly - I don't get why you think you were wrong for looking at his phone. He seemed to be guarding and it raised your suspicions. You have a young ds to protect as well as yourself and you took action. Big deal. If he looses the plot because you looked at his phone that would ring little alarm bells. He knows about your past relationship and if he cares about you and wants you he'll take you as you are - a little insecure and rightly so after what you've been through. He'll make efforts to show you he is different not berate you for switching to survival mode. He'll understand it takes time to earn trust from anyone let alone someone who has been hurt as you have in the past. It would be unreasonable to expect him to live with mistrust and constant suspicion forever but it would also be unreasonable for him to expect you to trust unconditionally straight away.

Lastly - The trust you need can only come from honesty. You should NOT CONFRONT but talk to him. Tell him you felt threatened by his guarding the phone and you checked it, you've seen the messages and would like him to tell you what they're all about. Don't say it in an apologetic tone, just quizzical and non confrontational. IMO his reaction will speak volumes. You can take it from there.

Oh come off it, Cookie! How can a text discussion about a woman coming round for a cuddle be innocent!

OP, you are a student and you're working too. You have a child. This man isn't working, you are paying for his phone and he's texting another woman for a cuddle?

You need to get rid. You've only been with him two months. You can do MUCH better than this piece of work.

He stupidly left his phone laying around this morning unlocked. Picked it up and it now turns out he is txting at least 2 women. I feel sick.

Oh no

I'm not surprised you feel sick.

You do not need to be with this man. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Are you going to confront him?

IB until AP's last post as far as I could see there could be a plausible explanation. We had a tiny snippet of information which included a suspicion around a text involving the word 'cuddle' to a female. I'm not inclined to start shouting "OMG he's cheating" with so little to go on

Maybe he is cheating but it is also plausible, or it was before the last update to say that maybe he had a female cousin or friend who's dog had just been run over by an ice-cream van and she needed a cuddle and a shoulder to cry on. That of course is something random off the top of my head but I'm sure there could be lots of other explanations too.

I don't think just because I believe in 'innocent until proven guilty' means I need to come off anything. Just saying.

OP, is it now obvious from the text content that he is cheating?

What are the nature of the other texts, OP? The ones that you've found this morning?

I'm so sorry, OP. I know you're going to get some great advice from other posters but the thing that jumps out at me is your statement that your and your DS's future is built around your partner. You need to change that, for your sake.

Your partner may be fond of your DS but you are the only one that your DS can ultimately rely on. Whatever happens in this relationship, however it goes, do not allow yourself to pin your futures on a partner. Hope for the best by all means - but safeguard your own future and that of your son as if you didn't have your partner and then if it all does go wrong, your exit strategy is in place and you have one less thing to worry about.

I would just leave him. He is cheating. Men never just want to text. We want more and texting is a way of getting more!

What does he do when you are at work? Does he look after your ds or is he in childcare?

I was in this position in March after learning the truth about dp, he had also been texting two other women and one more which had been ongoing for some time but in a 'platonic way'. He'd shared a kiss with one of the women and a bj from another. Dp confessed to it all. The truth came out over a period of 3 weeks. There are two ways you can deal with this atm, wait it out and check his phone again or talk to him about it. There is no evidence that he has actually done anything physical with these women and maybe the only way of knowing would be to hang fire and become extra vigilant, checking his phone again, awful yes and it's not something you want to do but your instincts tell you something is wrong and you have seen texts to other women from your dp making you feel uncomfortable therefore he has crossed the line. I'm still with my dp, we are working through the mess, it doesn't have to mean the end if something has gone on, only you know how you will feel if there is more to this than just texting.

Sorry in not replying much, I just don't feel fit for anything really. I'm a full time student and last night was a job trial at a nightclub (he was looking after Ds)

I feel angry as well because over the last few days he had been making comments about how I'd probably get chatted up etc and all the time this has been happening behind my back.

The reason he doesn't have a job is a whole other story but I can assure you it's not a case of he just won't work, he is a very hard worker and absolutely hates not having a job ATM.

Thank you so much for all your suggestions and supportive comments. I just have no idea what to think or feel.

AP, poor you :( but you know, you shouldn't feel that you have done anything wrong in looking at his phone - you have yourself and your son to protect and you are absolutely right to do so.

For him to be behaving like this with various women such a short time after you've moved in together is a really bad sign. He is in no way committed to you - I would get rid of him. I think I would confront him and say

'Why have you moved in with me when you have no intention of being serious about our relationship?'

What an a*hole!

What sort of texts did you find this morning?