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Original poster

The ex and sex...

30 replies

globalexdoormat · 14/07/2012 09:36

Does anyone have any wise words?

My ex-p (father of my young DC's) has been gone now for a few months, all his stuff has gone and he is immersing himself in his new life.

He has given me the 'I love you, I'm just not in love with you line' and said that he doesn't think we will ever get back together. But every time he visits to see the DC's he tries it on with me (not when they are present) and has admitted that he still finds me attractive.

It is fair to say that this is wreaking my heart slightly. Why can't he just leave me alone to get over him?

I have had to put all of energy into looking after the DC's so have no energy left to sort this out.

Sorry to name change, but I would be easily outed on my old name.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 09:39

Yeah he's taking the piss and trying to both use you for a no strings bunk up and stop you from moving on.

Tell him to fuck off next time he tries it. Can be hard to do so but necessary.

AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 09:42

Oh and definitely arrange for him to have the kids at his place or anywhere but not at yours.

Don't even let him through your front door. He obviously still views coming to yours as coming 'home' and thinks all the benefits still apply (ie getting to sleep with you)

I bet he goes in your fridge too doesn't he?

kinkyfuckery · 14/07/2012 09:49

Why are you spending time with him when the children are not present? I think, for the time being at least, he should be there only at drop off/pick up times, no others.

Original poster
globalexdoormat · 14/07/2012 09:54

Drop off and pick up would be great, but unfortunately ex-p can't afford to rent anywhere that has room for the DC's to stay over (even if he didn't pay any maintenance at all)...

The DC's are small and I can go for weeks without an unbroken nights sleep, so he has been staying over on the sofa so he can do the 'night shift'. I have tried doing it without him staying over but ran myself into the ground with tiredness.

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 14/07/2012 09:55

There's your problem then. Him sleeping on the couch. It's no wonder he thinks he still rules the roost.

AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 10:02

Honestly-sofa or your bed?

So he basically lives with you?

He needs to find somewhere to live and even if he can't have the kids there he needs to take them for contact not just come and cotch in your house.

How old are your children?

If they are young enough to be up in the night then they won't be at school so you can catch up on sleep in the day.

The lines are all blurred here. You need to exist independantly of your 'ex'.

This won't change while you are giving him the impression that you need him.

My youngest is 9 but is autistic so I never have unbroken sleep either so I do understand how hard it can be. But my ex has never spent a night or indeed 20 mins in my homes as it confuses things.

AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 10:03

Home not homes* I only have one home!

Original poster
globalexdoormat · 14/07/2012 10:26

He has moved out and rents a room...we/I don't see him for a couple of weeks at a time, in that time I am fine and don't need him particularly. I have a baby a toddler and 1 at primary school, the toddler has given up on naps unfortunately so I am pretty much non stop through the day.

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 14/07/2012 10:29

If you are tired, well, it's tough really. You suck it up and get on with your day the best you can.

Your current situation is not working, for anyone. You are annoyed that your ex seems to be blurring the lines, your ex is confused and thinks he can get more from you, and your children will no doubt also be confused. YOU are the one who can call the shots, YOU are the one who can say no.

My ex didn't have the children overnight for the first three years after we separated because he didn't have the space for them (staying at a relatives) so yes, it was difficult, and yes, I moaned, but you have to suck it up and get on with it.

BettySuarez · 14/07/2012 10:34

If you manage at night for a couple of weeks at a time without him, then why do you feel you can't do this on a permanent basis?

There is no way he should be staying over, he should should pick them up and take them out for the day (softplay etc) and leave you to get done well earned rest

AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 10:36

Why don't you see him for 2 weeks at a time?

Basically you need to stop having him stay. I'm assuming you ask him to stay? Stop!

Tell him you want to set up defined contact times and don't deviate from those times. That contact should not be at your house or with you present.

I know its hard being on your own but its doable and will be much easier when you don't have all this nonsense hanging over your head.

Original poster
globalexdoormat · 14/07/2012 10:46

I 'manage' but by the end of the two weeks I am exhausted, he stays, I sleep for about 10-12 hours straight.

I have tried sucking it up, being strong etc, but I feel utterly frazzled. I was exhausted when he left so it has just got worse.

We set up the arrangement before he moved out, which was very naive and I am paying for it now.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 14/07/2012 10:47

I agree with the others.

He should collect the chidren and take them somewhere (park, toddler group, friends house, softplay, etc.) to spend time with them. Whilst they are gone you can catch up on some sleep. When he returns them he should hand them over at the door and leave.

There is no need for him to stay the night.

Are you still hoping that you will get back together or have you accepted it's over?

Original poster
globalexdoormat · 14/07/2012 10:55

I'm not sure, I have a lot of religious relatives who 'pray' for us to get back together, I actually want them to pray for me to get over him! He has done enough already!

The other kicker is that he doesn't drive and we live in the county, so there is no where to actually 'go'. I actually think it would be easier if he just went away until he worked his way until he could afford a car and a large enough house for them to visit.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 11:02

Sounds hard.

It sounds like you're getting a bit of emotional pressure from those relatives to get back with him?

The only way to move on is for in the initial stages to be really rigid but I can see that's proven hard for various reasons.

Why did you split up in the first place?

Wotme · 14/07/2012 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
globalexdoormat · 14/07/2012 11:10

He was drinking far too much, I'm not sure if he is an alcoholic or not, but if he finds it hard to go a day without drinking if it has been stressful. I decided his behaviour was not fair on the DC's, there were all sorts of let downs and food money was going on beer. I think he was also pretty unhappy in general.

He is nicer now because he is happier and apparently drinking less (no surprises there, life is a lot less stressful for him now, muggings is picking up the pieces!)

OP posts:
Original poster
globalexdoormat · 14/07/2012 11:15

I could do wotme, also a good point about the Macdonalds dad.

I have been feeling pretty low and really been in touch with friends so much, they would want to be sociable and I'd just want to sleep! I am wondering about joining the local (nice) gym, I could go for me time, although the expense feels a bit extravagant so I have held back.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 11:47

If you can afford the gym go for it! Exercise really is good for you and it gives you a break from the drudge!

Wotme I have to disagree with your suggestion as it sounds too much like the OP has to bend over backwards to make things comfortable for him. I also disagree re the mcdonalds dad scenario. If he gets sick of that then it will spur him onto finding a better solution for himself ie get his own place!

This is for him to sort and quite frankly if he will walk away cos he gets sick of wandering round and mcds then hed have fucked off in the long run anyway. Good dads will walk over broken glass to see their kids.

Fairenuff · 14/07/2012 11:49

Alcohlolics don't drink because they are stressed. They drink because they are alcoholics.

He will drink to celebrate, or when socialising, or to relax, or to perk himself up. There are many reasons why people drink and a person with an addiction will always find one of them as an excuse.

That aside, I still can't see why he can't have the children at his place. He has a room. Even if they don't stay overnight, why don't you drop them off at his and pick them up later?

It sounds from your post above that you have not actually accepted that this relationship is over. I think that's probably got more to do with why you let him stay.

Original poster
globalexdoormat · 14/07/2012 15:21

I don't know whether I have or not fairenuff. I also find it difficult to accept I have been so royally stitched up/left right in it, I don't think that he has any concept of the work involved looking after 3 under 5's or the financial implications for me long term.

I don't take the DC's to his because I had been told that I was still doing too much for him in the few weeks after we separated. He doesn't want them there either because the place is not child proof enough. I also feel as though I need more of a few hours break every two weeks (although I am realising that HE might not be the best solution with regard providing a break...). It would be a total PITA to drop them off but could be an answer...

On a good day I enjoy being on my own with the DC's and don't worry too much about the future as I have a few good ideas for work/business in the future (that in the past he would nay say and put me off).

I don't feel so much pressure to get back with him amber but there is this pressure to remain amicable for the sake of the DC's, not unreasonable I suppose but he's never actually told me why he has left or what he thinks went wrong.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 15:37

He left you?! I assumed you'd kicked him out.

It just seems like he's getting it all his way.

I can see its hard for you to accept its over as it wasn't really your decision?

I can imagine you feel run ragged with the children. Maybe he found it hard too but it seems as though he's getting the best of both worlds.

If I were you I'd start getting angry with him and I don't mean in a way to argue or fight with him but to just see what he's done and that you really don't owe him anything. Just suit yourself and look after you and your kids. Sod him.

Original poster
globalexdoormat · 14/07/2012 16:13

I gave him an ultimatum to stop drinking/drink normally or leave. He rolled over and too the 'out' just like that. It was like one of those situations were the bloke hasn't got what it takes to end it so just behaves so badly that the woman ends it. The idea was that he would have time away/a break/trial separation...after a short time he decided that it was completely over and he definitely wasn't coming back.

Either way living on my own with the DC's is easier that living with him in the house behaving how he was.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 16:27

Either way living on my own with the DC's is easier that living with him in the house behaving how he was

Remember that if you ever get lonely I feel like you're struggling to cope on your own.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2012 18:30

You agreed this set-up when he left ?

So un-agree it

And tell him to fuck right off when he wants to give you the pity shag because you happen to be there and he thinks you are going to cave in.

The children will get easier as they grow, but he will always be an arsehole.