Is your DH generous and thoughtful with presents?

[myoldman]

Just wondering.
My DH is a kind, loving and faithful man. But he doesn't do " gestures" or presents. If he pushes the boat out for birthdays and Xmas then I'll get some perfume but most of the time he scratches his head saying he doesn't know what to buy me.

I've got friends whose DH's buy them lovely jewellery- albeit they choose it- when it's a special occasion. I've never had any offers of that. I have a few pieces of kewellery I've bought myself- diamond studs, a pendant, a ring, but DH doesn't ever offer to add to my " collection".

We are now coming up to 30 years marriage. I've mentioned a few times that I'd like to swap my very cheap engagement ring for an eternity ring/wedding ring combined but he hasn't taken the bait.

I can see that if I want this I am going to have to initiate it myself and that takes the meaning out of it a bit.

I know this might sound trivial but it would be lovely if he could be more appreciative and show it in a way that would mean a lot to me. We've got the money so that's not the issue.

Am I just being shallow? Or is he being thoughtless and mean?

Neither shallow or thoughtless, and buying things is not a way to show appreciation for him.

If he is the kind wonderful man you say he is. I would go to a nice jeweller with a girlfriend, pick out a pretty ring, and show him the ring on your finger when you get home. You can tell him before hand you intend to do it, if you want to clear the expenditure.

Do you get him thoughtful and generous presents. Not being snarky, it's just that I am crap with thinking of presents for people. Dh is much better so I ask him to think of things for my family.

However, if dh hinted (and he does) then I'd respond. Perhaps you need to spell it out to him.

I'm not sure really. It seems unlikely to be a sign of meanness if he is kind in other ways.

My DH is very generous and although there have been a few disappointing/WTF gifts (mainly since he discovered eBay) on the whole he is very thoughtful and generous. We both tend to do the 'saw this and thought of you' random presents, and spoil each other a bit (though not in terms of expense as we can't afford it) at Xmas/birthdays because we both had shit childhoods.

Maybe it doesn't occur to him?

You don't sound selfish/spoilt BTW, there's worse things than not getting presents but it does sting a bit if somebody who loves you doesn't think of you in that way - because that's what a present is about really, not the item necessarily but the fact they've put thought into what you would like.

dh is rubbish at gift buying, he just doesn't see the opportunities..am always commenting on bits and bobs but he "never knows" what I like.

it did vex me cos if feels like some sort of snub that he cba to pay attention and notice.

But in every other way he is just lovely snoring aside obv So I got over myself! :D

I do however have a very large collection of rennie mackintosh style earrings.

Phew!
Thought I might get a pasting.

I'm not a shallow blingy type of girl- in fact I only own 3 pieces of what I'd call " jewellery"- as said above, and treated myself to them.

I try to buy him things he likes- but he says he has " everything he needs" and anything he does want would be along the lines of a £100K car- so out of the question :)

I am always disappointed at Xmas and birthdays- he doesn't make much effort, or think beyond the old staples like a book, CD, smellies.

Buying something as a "token" or romantic gesture doesn't cross his mind.

he'd behappy to come with me if I said i wanted to buy a ring- but he would never initiate it.

I want to have a ring handmade using the stones from my engagement ring and putting into a new design, with a bit extra- thought he'd appreciate that thought.

Your DH sounds like mine. We don't even do birthday or anniversary presents! He is not thoughtless or mean, he sounds (as my DH would say) like he doesn't buy into the idea that getting you expensive jewellery/gifts is a way of showing you how much he loves you (I agree, btw). You've been reading way too much into this, for far too long.

Sit down with DH, and say you'd love to get a new engagement ring to mark your 30 years of marriage. Maybe he would like to come help you choose it, or you could select one in advance and he could come look at it before buying. And also, ask what could you get him to mark this special milestone. This sound be a friendly, loving conversation about how you can mark your anniversary together, NOT an accusatory (and childish) whine that he doesn't buy you sparkles.

Have you also ever considered that maybe your DH doesn't buy you jewellery because he thinks women's jewellery looks tacky? My DH also has this view, and tells me women who are into jewellery look like magpies (no matter how pricey it is!).

PS my hubby's idea of romance is buying me a bunch of value roses from Lidl so I do sympathise. But I figured out that's just how he's wired.

Leave the bastard.

Seriously, mine is the same. Have been married some 15 years. Everything has to be spelled out. Everything. He is just emotionally unintelligent this way. Watching the thread to see what people suggest. (other than leaving him of course.).

No he isn't, either generous or thoughtful. I still don't have a present for our 5th wedding anniversary, despite me getting him one. He thinks the card is enough.
It's my birthday next week and I doubt I'll get anything for that either.

But then his father didn't "do" gifts either, so neither he nor his brother were ever brought up in a tradition of giving a shit about presents for their mother or anyone else in the family - she only gets presents now since I came on the scene, poor woman. She is very generous, by the way - but DH follows the male pattern.

This is such a personal, subjective thing. For some people it matters, some it doesn't.

My dh is a wonderful gift buyer and has bought me several pieces of valuable jewellery which I treasure. I do love jewellery I admit.

I initiated my diamond ring (had v small engagement ring which never bothered me but years on I wanted an upgrade!) and diamond earrings and we had them made together. We both enjoyed it.

I return the compliment - buy him thoughtful, generous presents like a surprise trip to NYC.

BUT if we couldn't afford it then I'd not give a shit, as long as he marked dates thoughtfully. On the flip side, because we CAN afford them I would be put out if his gifts were disproportionate - I am just being brutally honest!!!!!!

OP your DH sound like mine too

I'm a great gift buyer and love choosing and buying things for people, and truly spoil DH at birthdays, Christmas etc.

He is just not the same, I'd be lucky to get a card let alone a decent gift! (if he was left to his own devices!) He says he doesn't have time/ doesn't know what to get/ would rather I chose something for myself...

He's a lovely man, and is really kind and caring, it just doesn't occur to him to make any kind of effort!

At first this did get me down abit, especially as my best friends DH is a brill and really thoughtful gift buyer! However, over the years I have grown to just getting myself things, he pays, I tell him what want and quite often go to the shop to buy it As we do it this way, he often has no say on budget either I it some lovely dimond earrings this year

No-but then neither am I.

We don´t "do" presents unless there´s something we happen to want for b/day/Christmas/anniversary.

He has bought lovely jewellry in the past, but I now have enough.

Got a Kindle for Christmas.

I have trained mine well

He doesn't really get why birthdays are special, nor does he really see the point of gifts at Mother's day (or Father's day either - he always says not to buy him a gift).

We generally don't celebrate our anniversaries, although I would expect a significant anniversary to be recognised. We will be celebrating our silver anniversary in 2015 and I hope that we would both acknowledge our efforts to get there!

But he knows that I think they are special, so he does make an effort - but it is evident just how stressful he finds it. Whereas on the other hand, I really enjoy gift buying and giving.

He is, though, especially good at buying jewellery, and spends a lot of money. I had no idea just how much until we were burgled recently, and he had to produce various receipts. (Thankfully none of my more valuable stuff that he had bought me got nicked.)

The value of it isn't important (although it is lovely to have some 'decent' pieces), it's the fact that he chose it.

He has also taken to buying me flowers every Friday evening on the way home.

My advice to you would be to sit him down and talk to him about it, and how you feel. I think it would be awful if you had to go out and buy your own present. Too often men hide behind the view that it's not something that blokes do. Well, you can tell him that other blokes do do it, and you would like him to buy something appropriate/significant for your anniversary. If he doesn't do it, despite being told that it's important to you, and you would like him to do it, then he is being very selfish and inconsiderate!

Your DH sounds like mine too! He is so thoughtful generally, but gift giving is just not one of his strengths... So I buy my own and let him know (when there is something I want) or otherwise just brace against disappointment! He was just like this 100 years ago when we were newly in love, so I can't start to get annoyed about it now.

Buying gifts is not a sign of affection. Just because he doesn't buy you jewellery, flowers, holidays, or chocolates doesn't mean he doesn't care or love you. I often asked my DH not to buy me presents, even on my birthday. Just do nice things together like go out for an evening and have a nice time.

My dp is very generous with time and money, but he doesn't buy me presents often (he normally manages Xmas, sometimes my birthday, but nothing else). It's not that he doesn't care, he just doesn't communicate affection that way. I do, and he loves the things I get him, and I would love it if he would try to reciprocate sometimes. On the other hand, he genuinely doesn't mind if I buy what I want from our joint account.

Nice to know I am not alone and agree with most of what everyone has said.

I know that presents etc don't " show" love- too many men buy gifts and they are utter bastards the rest of the time.

But- and big but- an eternity ring after almost 30 years is special- or is to me. We didn't have much cash when we married, so I've never had the ring I'd love, and I was hoping that as I'd raised it a couple of times, he might latch on and suggest we went to the designer and talk through the options. It might sound shallow but I have slowly changed my watch and the few bits I have to white gold/steel, so want a white gold ring.

Yes, sometimes we do agree not to buy each other presents.

I suppose I can only equate it to if I had the money to buy him the car of his dreams, I'd do it. he has got the money- or rather we have- to buy a ring, but it's not something on his radar.

And the bottom line is that if I ask, I do feel a bit guilty for buying something " non essential" when he hasn't enthused over it. Even if he just said "I'd love you to have a ring that you really want now we can afford it." But he's quite happy to spend the same amount on a top of the range push bike!

I would say no off the top of my head but last Christmas DP came up trumps. He bought me my main present (a diamond looking crystal that in the right light reminds me of a galaxy pendant on a thin chain) and then little gifts which I loved like candles, decorative candle holders, a bird cage candle holder, incense, a Starbucks coffee mug , four packs of Starbucks Via instant coffee etc. I LOVED them all.

He is not good with presents for family members and rarely actually buys me presents apart from chocolate etc but when he does he comes up trumps.

It's our wedding Aniversery today and No he hasn't organised anything. Am I going to get upset. No, a romantic surprise would be lovely, but somehow despite being a really thoughtful generous kind soul in other ways, gift buying and meal booking totally escape him.

Arrrrrh- Happy Anniversary anyway!

DH is not bad at this. His family is obsessed by presents, so I guess he was raised that way.

My family not so much into presents - we get things when we have a good idea, but other occasions won't get anything.

DH just got me a bench for our 5th anniversary (wood), which I was so touched by. It was really thoughtful and if I was good at knowing in advance what presents I wanted, exactly what I would have wanted.

Then again, we rotate wedding anniversary gifts as we are too lazy to buy something each every year, so next year will be my turn. Thinking about it, he gets better things for his present-buying years.

Generous, yes
Thoughtful, no

The worst one was when he spent £300 on 6 months gym membeship for me. I was on maternity leave at the time after having twins. An utter warsaw of money we didn't have.
Pisses me off that after all these years he still doesn't know what i like so I usually get whatever he can find the day before my birthday or Christmas eve.
I've learnt to expect something shit so I'm not disappointed.

I worry one day DP will be on here saying the same thing about me

He was a student for a very long time and is used to not having much money, but gifts have often been very thoughtful, cards often handmade and always with lovely personal notes. I get him shop bought cards and sign mine and DDs name! (to be fair, I am disabled and can't physically write with a pen, but still...) And he usually gets some DIY tool as a gift that he has repeatedly said that he wants and often writes down what it is as I can barely recognise a screwdriver let alone anything more specialised.

BUT it doesn't mean I love him any less, it's just he is more creative than me! And less organised, wonderful as his cards/presents are they frequently arrive a few weeks days after my birthday/our anniversary etc!

Maybe you just need to be a bit more direct?

My husband is thoughtful and good at presents...wereas I am hopeless. I just don't think in terms of gifts, I never see anything 'perfect' and, on the odd occasion I have got my husband something, he never seems to use it or see it as special.

It's not thoughtlessness on my part, I just don't think like that, and find it an anxiety-making struggle to get a present, not a pleasure. By contrast, I love spending time together, going for a meal, arranging a weekend away. Everyone has their strengths.

I think your idea of getting a ring is lovely, but you are slightly in danger of forgetting the point of the ring, to celebrate 30 years of marriage to a kind lovely husband who isn't great at buying jewellery but has brought something really special into your life.

I think that's amazing, don't get too hung up on how that is symbolized or suddenly expect him to morph into a different person!

Catsmamma I have a fair few if those earrings too!

I'm rubbish with gifts, DH much more thoughtful at times, sometimes not, but I really don't mind.

I would prefer to buy jewellery myself to make sure it's something I will wear (but then I don't have an engagement ring through choice as I wouldn't wear one so perhaps I'm not best placed to comment).