Please help with tactics to deal with DH's moodiness

[mashedpotatohead]

DH is a sales account manager & works very long hours. He often comes home & carries on working. He'll take calls anytime, evenings, weekends & sometimes on holiday. This obviously has a huge impact on his stress levels & he is often withdrawn & moody. We have discussed this many times but never seem to find even a 'meet in the middle' resolution. I try to be understaning, he is the main breadwinner & he works hard but he is bordering on being a workaholic.

We have two ds's 2 & 5yrs. I pretty much cover all the chores, bath the dc's, put them to bed etc I feel utterly exhausted but try to remember dh is probably even more so & plod on.

The thing that really rattles me is dh's moodiness. This week we had our ds sports day & I was really thrilled dh was accompanying me as he usually can't. However, he was constantly checking his phone & seemed totally distracted. Our ds got really upset in one activity & as I comforted him, dh was still glued to his screen. When I finally got his attention, he snapped at me that we shouldn't crowd ds & as 'too many cooks' etc. He was quite off with me the whole time which was reflected in what he was saying to me. I felt really embarassed & I wished he hadn't bothered coming.

I think what I'm saying is I'm starting to feel really resentful towards dh. We probably do work as hard as each other to be fair. But I work really hard to make sure he dosent have to worry about anything else. I feel that he has no space in his mind to give any thought to my wellbeing. God I hope that dosen't sound really self indulgent, it's really getting me down. Thanks for reading!

That isn't self-indulgent; what a horrible time you must be having :(

DH gets like this sometimes (also in sales) but a gentle reminder that DS would like some of his attention is usually enough to unfix his eyes from the BB/iPad.

If you have been really understanding so far then maybe setting out the straight facts would be more productive. You both work hard, you appreciate that he might need to take calls etc. but you expect his full attention when he has taken time out to be with his family and you expect to be spoken to with respect no matter how hard his day has been. If you have tried that then I'd seriously consider going down the couples' counselling route if that's what's needed to make him realise how he's behaving.

Right time to get tough here OP. He has absolutely no right whatsoever to take things out on you, how dare he.

I'd sit him down and have a very very stern talk with him and if that doesn't work then yes, maybe coucilling for separation for a while until he gets himself in check.

or not for....

It's not self-indulgent at all. Your husband is treating you and your children like they are an inconvenience in his life which is about his job.

That's not moodiness, it's treating you like crap. Sales account managers don't get paid enough to work all evening and all weekend - that's an excuse.

When he gets home from work then you share the household chores and childcare equally. He is not more tired than you are, that's bullshit.

If it is any comfort I know several people in your situation .My friends hubby commutes and it is virtually impossible to get a civil word from him until Sunday pm by which time he is off to work again.!! This is life today for many.
Think back to times when things were better and try to recapture some of these aspects .Did you used to cuddle alot? Go to the cinema ?or whatever
it was that made you click .Then think why it is that you no longer do these things pressure of work, chores all the demands of life These things have driven a distance between you
He needs to relax .He probably does not realise the effect he is having on you. Do the small things to break the ice Does he like a glass of something when he comes home? Could you plan an outing to somewhere you both like? Do you have mutual friends? Try anything to get him to relax which in turn may helphim to open up and then you can discuss any bigger things

Your DH is not moody, he's a workaholic and treating you and your children very badly.

Why did he bother getting married and having a family, if he's not going to spend any quality time with you? How can he possibly justify leaving every aspect of family life to you?

I don't think any tactics will help you. I think you need to tell him that he needs to carve out family time, or else he's going to find he doesn't have a family left.

You need to stand up for you and your DC -- this can't be good for them either. The fact you think you're being self-indulgent, when you're actually being totally reasonable, shows how ground down you are.

DH and I did agree some ground rules when DS came along. He mutters about them sometimes but they have held for over 2 years and seem to work.

• Barring death or hospitalisation, he is home for the evening meal every day.
• No BB or iPad at the table.
• He bathes DS every evening and reads him a story.
• No sneaking BB or iPad into the bathroom while bathing DS
• He is in bed asleep at a decent hour during the week i.e. before 11.30.
• Saturday from 11am-8pm is family time.
• Friday night is date night.

Anything else and he becomes grumpy and unbearable.

As someone else said, sales account managers do not get paid enough to work every evening and weekend.

My DP is quite moody. I think it stems from his lack of self confidence. He is a great dad and does his fair share of the 'parenting' so no complaints there. However, he is prone to getting into a mood about nothing much and when he does I feel as though I have to tread on eggshells so as not to exacerbate it.

Now, he's not violent or agressive, just sulky and surly when he 'goes'. Afterwards, he'll laugh about how silly he was and then that's that.

I'm used to it and although I would prefer it if he wasn't like that, it doesn't bother me that much. would be good to have some techniques for dealing with it though!

Thank you AKMD.

DH gets really defensive when I give him only gentle reminders which makes me feel really powerless. I have suggested counselling but he's really not up for it. I'm a trained counsellor & I believe he thinks I'll manipulate the sessions (which of course I wouldn't!). He says it's because he dosen't want to tell a stranger about our problems.

I'm sure that in counselling some of my own behaviours would be addressed & I've said this to him. He just thinks I'm really pro counselling because I'm trained. I wish I could convince him!

So maybe give him the option of either counselling with a professionally trained, independent person, or inviting a panel of friends and relatives over to let you both know what they think of your marriage? Hmm...

So does he think you jointly have a problem? Or that the problem is yours? Because right now, it seems a bit like it or lump it.

I think your problem is the 'gentle reminders'. Very simply put, there's someone/something big and scary (work) dictating his time and I think you have to become bigger and scarier if you're going to be taken seriously.

Thanks so much to you all, theres some really useful advice there.

It's quite shocking to see some of your responses (in a good way though!). It's made me see that I sound really weak. This is a complete bout turn as I used to border on agressive & DH was passive. Now we appear to have switched places. Perhaps the difference is I have taken a 4yr path of self discovery with the training!

Oh that's interesting.

I think sometimes, if you're trying hard to get away from being aggressive, it can then be hard to be assertive. But that's really what you're aiming for here, and you need to figure out how to get there because otherwise DH will clearly walk all over you.

It might help to talk to him about it in terms of the DC. Whatever he thinks about you, surely he must see that this isn't good for his relationship with them?

The difference is that you've decided to take all the burden on your shoulders in some kind of well-meaning attempt to relieve him of the worry of house and home, leaving him stress-free to get on with his job, etc. A lot of women make that mistake and find that the man, rather than being grateful for being freed up to pursue his career or whatever, views them simply as 'staff' and takes them entirely for granted. I'm sure it wasn't your intention to wind up as an invisible doormat, but that's where you are. The only way you will change matters is to object loudly and repeatedly until you become visible again.

DowagersHump - To be honest, I think he thinks I'm being a drama queen! When I do blow, he sits, listens & then nothing. He says he dosen't know what to say.

Cogito - As above, I do blow but then maybe thats too much!

Its sooooooooo fraustrating :(

I mean frustrating!

AKMD - That would be interesting! My family have noticed the cracks but friends still adore him (as if they don't see his mood changes)

Thanks Dreaming - I've tried from the DC angle - he'll say 'oh I'm such a shit dad arent I' which he isn't.

Sorry, I'm not trying to put up obstacles here!

Do you think he's a good dad?

How much time does he spend with him -- uninterrupted time, where they can count on his attention?

Does he ever put them to bed or bathe them, on the weekends perhaps?

Does he take them out to do things?

If he does, okay good, but it sounds like he's totally plugged into work all the time, which usually isn't so great for parenting.

Dreaming - He is a good dad, mostly. The stress does creep in occasionally & he can become distracted. For example, if I'm going out & he's putting them to bed he'll say he's just got a few emails to do or a contract to send off etc This leads to 2yr old ds going to bed late & both left in front of tv

His IPhone drives me mad, he is glued to it a lot of the time. If he could put that down & concentrate on what he's doing then things would be better.

He does take them out sometimes to be fair. If we all go out there is invariably tension between us though as DH is often moody.

Sorry but I don't think that sounds like a 'good dad' :(

Dowagers - You do have a point :( I'm seeing it from such a different perspective now

"do blow but then maybe thats too much"

As with any other management technique, losing your temper can be valid as long as you don't overuse it. Children are like your DH when they've got the TV on. Everything goes into slow motion, they're not listening, they start off looking at you but then the eyes swivel back to the TV and you've lost them. So what happens next is the TV gets switched off followed by a few protests but, once off, you've got their attention. So I suggest taking the i-phone off him as an equivalent starting point and, should there be protests, tell him why you're doing it.

'Moody' is not acceptable.

Thanks Cogito, that's a brilliant idea!

Why is it easier to guide other people through their problems? I can't believe the difference between my professional stance & the sap I am in my home life!