Becoming a SAHM - how to split finances and chores

[Prometheus]

DH and I have been together for 13 years and both work full time in professional, highly paid jobs. Early next year we will be moving back to the UK which will involve me giving up my job (his job can be transferred but mine cannot). At the same time I will be giving birth to DC2.

I aim to stay at home with DC1 (2.5 years old) and newborn for the first 6 months before looking for a job. I realise this may take some time with the current job market so may end up being 12 months or more.

I am starting to get worried as I hated maternity leave with DC1 and went back to work after 6 months. This time not only will I have a newborn but also a toddler to look after. DH has said we can't put DC1 into nursery as it is a waste of money if I am at home.

He has now also said that he will give me an 'allowance' out of his salary. I went mad at him. I am not a child in need of pocket money and am used to earning the same (if not more) than him. I told him we would have a joint account and that all of his salary would go in and all expenses would be paid from that. I am not a big spender - I rarely buy new clothes and am always using vouchers and money-off deals so he knows I will not be spending his wages flippantly.

His attitude has started to worry me. How do other SAHMs split finances and chores? (I am assuming he will expect me to do all chores and childcare as I will be SAHM). I am very independent and not working will be very difficult (I'm worried about PND if I'm honest) without the added stress of becoming his skivvy and dependent on his pocket money.

Any advice on how this can be managed would be appreciated!

I'm a SAHM now and I have complete access to all of DH's money. My older 2 are in school and my youngest goes to a nursery 3 mornings a week. The chores part is not as simple. Dh works longish hours so I do most stuff during the week. He helps put them to bed. At the weekends we do 50:50. As our dc are young, there is always clearing up to do. He will cook at least one meal over the weekend, and we each have one lie-in.
I would not accept 'pocket money'. That's just insulting.

Allowance seems a bit mean reading like this.

I am a SAHM and we have a joint account with all monies going in, and I have access to all.

I also have kept an account in my name only with a bit of savings, in case of emergencies. Say DH dies in an accident and I cannot access the joint account or access our joint assets. My DH knows about it and it is not an issue.

On nursery, it is not only about money, but socialising DC and relieving mum, especially if newborn at home.

On allowance, this does not sound right, unless allowance is the entire salary. You are a partnership. You are not going to sink the boat with your DH and DC on it.

Also, if your DH is worried about money, it would make more sense to shift more assets to you anyway.

I can see why you are worried.

A couple of days of childcare for the toddler to give you some time to enjoy the baby is not "a waste". It's a good use of ample resources.

Sorry, I did not respond re: chores.

DH works long hours so I run a one woman show in the week. If he comes back in time he helps with putting DCs to bed and cleaning up.

I am not terribly domesticated. I cook, sort of clean, and never iron. He irons his work shirts. Although I will start ironing when DCs start wearing uniforms, and being at school longer in the day.

I entertain the DCs, with crafts, stories, part, cycling, etc. so there is enough to do apart from chores tbh.

Good luck.

I am a SAHM with 3 DC (age 2, 4 and 6). Like you, we've been together a long time (15 years) and I used to earn as much as DH. I am not a big spender and DH knows he can trust me with money.

DH and I have separate current accounts - not sure why really, we just always have. DH's salary goes into his and he pays a certain amount each month into mine. So effectively it is an allowance, although we do not use that phrase. We also have a joint credit card. Overall I have sufficient money, and if I need more for some reason (which could be a 'good' reason or a frivolous one), I just ask DH to transfer extra.

The point I am making is that it doesn't really matter what system you use or the words you use to describe it. The important thing is that you both have enough money and you do not feel that one person is unfairly controlling the finances. If you have no reason to believe that DH will do this, then I think it is possible that you over-reacted to his use of the word 'allowance' because you are understandably nervous about all the changes facing you. I'm not saying your idea about a joint account is wrong however, if you both agree that would work best for you.

Would it help you both to do a budget (that can be adjusted in future if you find you are unable to stick to it in some areas) to reassure you that he won't be keeping you short and him that you (as a family) won't be over spending?

Re childcare for DC1, you will get 15 hours funded by the government when he/she is 3.

Re chores, DH works long hours so I do most of the chores around the house. He does the DIY, gardening etc. Again, it doesn't really matter how you split the jobs as long as you feel you are working together as a partnership.

If you are a team and you are both equally valuable to the team then you should get the same amount of spending money.

Joint account pays for everything to do with the house and the child(ren). You both have access to this and you agree ow much goes into it.

Two separate accounts get the remainder, split evenly. This is "spending money" and you can do what you like with it without the other person commenting and without feeling guilty.

I became a SAHM because of moving abroad for my H's career (leaving a well paid job) and then having a second child. My H resented me for that even though we had an agreement and could afford it. I had little access to money (was given cash for the first year), he felt that it was his money and I had no right to spend any on myself (even for a cheapy haircut). He spent a lot on himself during this time. He also resented spending money on the children for preschool, resented doing any chores at home at all including putting the children to bed, or indeed often coming home, got mad that I wouldn't iron his shirts etc. Once I was starting to apply for jobs it became clear that he was not prepared to take any responsibility for the children or home, making it very difficult for me.

In short I did not manage the situation well at all, what we agreed on and what he wanted and did were different things entirely at the end of the day. We are now separated. What I learnt from my experience is that for me, giving up my career (even if temporarily) and financial independence was a big mistake. I should not have put my career on the back burner for his or our family. It put me in a very vulnerable position. And I will be teaching my daughter the importance of her independence when she is old enough!

RandomAdams, I never bother ironing my DC's school uniform - they just go in crumpled clothes!

Nursery and going to toddler groups and paying for going to things-to-entertain-the-children come out of the joint money, in case there was any question.

We have a joint account which all money goes into (was the same when I worked). From that we each have an equal, set amount going into personal accounts as pocket money. All living expenses and joint expenses, like holidays, come out of the joint account.

When it comes to chores I pretty much do everything because between working and commuting DH is out of the house for 12hrs+ a day. He tries to get home in time to do bath and bedtime with the kids though. He's in charge of the garden and DIY which just never gets done.

Tumbletumble

Everything is paid up first (including food budgeted for) and then the remainder is split 50/50. We split it so we can fritter our half on whatever we want.

As for housework, I would say I do almost all, except if I am ill, or if I had a newborn. I do all meal planning/shopping and manage finances. He tends to sort garden, mainly because I hate gardening!

Childcare at weekends is in theory split, but my 2.5yo has other ideas at the moment - she just wants Daddy, which means he ends up doing most of the stuff for her. But I am pregnant and knackered, so I'm not feeling too guilty!

Giving you an allowance is bloody insulting.

Tumbletumble I thought the same thing. It all seems fine if you give it a shake the creases drop out as they walk about

"Giving you an allowance" might just be poor phrasing on his part.

He may have meant "I want to make sure that you have money that you can spend on yourself and not worry about it".

All the money in the same pot although all savings in my name as I pay no tax so I'm rich!

Pre-school from the age of 2/2.5 is great and invaluable if you have a newborn and no family to help.

Housework - source of alot of our arguments. When I had a newborn and a toddler I insisted on a cleaner, when youngest went to pre-school cleaner went. Although still source of great disagreement, DH does very little in the house and doesn't want to do more. I feel resentful especially in the school holidays that he uses the bathrooms/kitchen etc... but never cleans them. Now we have a huge house so cleaning is not a minor issue. Tiny house is my recommendation for sanity.

Very hard to be a SAHM after a high paying professional career, kids have benefited but I don't I have and my relationship with DH has suffered.

Thanks for the advice!

I think I will be happy to do the cleaning/admin/finances et. during the week although I will expect him to split lie-ins and do other chores 50:50 at weekends. Ironing just doesn't get done in this household, life is too short

Good point about the social aspects of nursery. DS currently goes to nursery full time and loves it. He will be returning to nursery once I (hopefully) get a job so maybe just having a couple of days a week nursery in the meantime will keep him used to it and it won't be such a shock to be at home with mummy for 6 months then back to nursery.

Re money -all money is our money and dh never asks me what I spend.

Chores - basically he works and I take care of everything else -finances, cooking, cleaning, shopping, ironing, kids' activities, although I don't do all of these jobs myself as I have a cleaner for 12 hours per week and I do 20 hours of voluntary work per week.
Dh is out of the house from 7.15 am until 7pm and he spends time with the children when he comes home. At the weekend we share any chores that need to be done, but it is rare there is anything to do except clearing away after eating.

Forgot to say that, when I say "I do most of the chores around the house", I do also have a cleaner once a week. For me personally, this is money better spent than on childcare for my DCs!

Personally I love being a SAHM after my highly paid professional career. I know it's not like that for everyone though.

I also want to add something on the 'chores'. Like many here I'm not a domestic goddess. I tidy up most of the time, though there is always more to be done once dc are in bed which dh helps with. I do food shopping, clothes shopping, afterschool activities, I never iron. I wash dh's clothes mostly and he puts them away. My eldest dc has ADHD so I feel I am doing a lot even if it doesn't seem so on paper. It does cause arguments occasionally as dh thinks I have more time to do more household chores than him as I am at home all the time, but a lot of my day is spent simply coping (physically and mentally) with eldest dc.
I also had a high income before becoming a SAHM (higher than dh's) and it takes a lot of getting used to to suddenly have much less to manage on. to have to manage on an 'allowance' would probably have sent me over the edge.

Similar to Tumble- seperate current accounts and DH pays a certain amount into mine every month to cover groceries/clothes/entertainment etc during the week. We have seperate credit cards, if we go out at the weekend his credit card usually gets used, sometimes mine. Doesn't matter really because all the money comes from the same pot.

If I need more, I tell DH, he transfers more into my account. He takes care of all bill-paying. He is extremely organised though and has files/folders/spreadsheets galore, all of which I have free access to.

Chores-wise, I do 99% of them- he is responsible for washing up and bins, although when he's working silly hours (as now), I do those too. However, he gets up every morning with ds2 and makes his breakfast. Occasionally I'll get up with ds2 if DH is particularly tired. DH does this for me because I have insomnia plus am naturally foul in the mornings whereas he is not. He also usually does bedtime for ds2 but this is more flexible because of his working hours.

I do think though that this financial arrangement only works because DH would never dream of 'giving me pocket money' or questioning what I spend. It just wouldn't occur to him that the money he brings in is anything other than family money. But then, he also recognises and appreciates the value of what I do.

In your situation with the move etc, and as you are worrying about this already but haven't yet had the baby, I think you have an ideal opportunity to sit down together and agree some rules before you slip into a setup you're not happy with. Also, tell him that you're worried, and that you will be sacrificing not only your current job but also potential future earnings and employability due to the gap in your CV and the time it could take to find a new job.

Re the money, I think the best solution is either to have a single joint account which you can both access freely - or to have one joint account to use for all bills and child-related expenses (including taking them out to activities etc), and a separate personal account each to which you would both get the same amount of money transferred each month. (I must admit we didn't completely sort this out beforehand, and I am still occasionally a little cross with myself about that!).

The term after your eldest turns 3 you will get 15 hours of free childcare, as someone mentioned above, so it makes sense to use that even if you decide not to use any before. But you may want to start at least a session or two before that, to give you a bit of a break/baby-only time and so the eldest can make friends and get used to it.

As for housework and domestic jobs, the main thing is to make sure you both get equal free time in the evenings and weekends (including getting out of the house, once you can leave baby for long enough - as "free time" at home can be too easily filled with chores!). Getting up at night counts too, and he needs to understand that you won't be able to do all the housework etc during the day if you also have a baby and toddler to care for.

If you can get all that sorted, you're doing well (and better than a lot of people!).

sepArate.

Gah.

You are an equal partnership. You are each facilitating the other. You could not stay at home without his income and he could not work without you looking after the DC (unless paying a massive part of his salary into childcare). Therefore, your income is joint and you should have equal access to it.

If you are worried about overspending simply because you're both used to having your own income, then by all means set up an extra account, so all household bills and a shopping budget etc all come out of the main account that his wages go into, but the remainder is split equally into separate accounts you each access individually.

IF you can afford it, nursery is not a waste. It will allow you one-to-one time with your newborn. Once baby is a few months old, you might even like to put the baby in for a half day so that you can spend some one-to-one with your elder child. That's up to you. I would heartily recommend that you get your DH to do some childcare for a few days so that he realises exactly what's involved.

You need to talk about all this now, before the baby arrives. Particularly with respect to housework as nothing is quite as guaranteed to cause resentment as an unfair division of labour. As a SAHM I'd say it's reasonable for you to do slightly more of the housework than your DH, but not by much more. Your main role is to care for the DC, and if you have a difficult-to-settle newborn and an older sibling much put out and insecure because of the new arrival, you may not be able to do more than the bare minimum, and he would be unreasonable to expect you to. The fairest way is to make sure you both have the same amount of child-free leisure time.

IF things have been fine up to this point, it was probably just a careless choice of words or a bit of unacknowledged male privilege creeping in, but as long as you don't bow down to it I'm sure things will be fine.

Good luck with the birth.

When does your eldest turn 3? If you're not moving until early next year then you will get 15 funded hours a week from either the January or the start of term after Easter, so that shoudn't be a problem as long as you can find a nursery. Will be term time only though.

DP earns significantly more than I do, and we have 2 joint accounts as well as our own ones. One of the joint accounts is for all the household bills, so mortgage and bills. The other is for food shopping, clothes, petrol etc and has what we NEED to spend in it, plus a bit extra. DP pays a lot more into these accounts than I do, but we both have similar amounts of spending money left in our own accounts after everything has gone out. When I was on mat leave, he paid everything into both accounts. Now I'm working I pay into it, and any extra goes into savings. It's taken a while to get to this point, and every so often we have to reassess how much goes into the accounts as so many things have increased in price.

Works for us :)

I'd be fucking insulted at 'pocket money' though, but I do think it can take a while for partners to get used to this idea tbh.