Becoming a SAHM - how to split finances and chores

[Prometheus]

DH and I have been together for 13 years and both work full time in professional, highly paid jobs. Early next year we will be moving back to the UK which will involve me giving up my job (his job can be transferred but mine cannot). At the same time I will be giving birth to DC2.

I aim to stay at home with DC1 (2.5 years old) and newborn for the first 6 months before looking for a job. I realise this may take some time with the current job market so may end up being 12 months or more.

I am starting to get worried as I hated maternity leave with DC1 and went back to work after 6 months. This time not only will I have a newborn but also a toddler to look after. DH has said we can't put DC1 into nursery as it is a waste of money if I am at home.

He has now also said that he will give me an 'allowance' out of his salary. I went mad at him. I am not a child in need of pocket money and am used to earning the same (if not more) than him. I told him we would have a joint account and that all of his salary would go in and all expenses would be paid from that. I am not a big spender - I rarely buy new clothes and am always using vouchers and money-off deals so he knows I will not be spending his wages flippantly.

His attitude has started to worry me. How do other SAHMs split finances and chores? (I am assuming he will expect me to do all chores and childcare as I will be SAHM). I am very independent and not working will be very difficult (I'm worried about PND if I'm honest) without the added stress of becoming his skivvy and dependent on his pocket money.

Any advice on how this can be managed would be appreciated!

nursery will be continuation for ds and also opportunity for you to make friends with other parents and connections so this should be a priority to keep him at nursery - par time at least - also at that age as he is used to that environment it would be silly to stop.

OP that's easy you are completely right in your approach.
You have 2 dcs, one source of income, money is pooled together on a joint account.
That's it.
re HW, again easy. Your job is to look after the dcs, not to do the laundry or tidying up after everybody else (incl your DH). Think about it. If your dcs were at nursery and you were at work, would you want the staff to spend their time looking after your dcs, finding interesting activities for them etc... Or would you prefer that they would concentrate on doing some cleaning etc... and fitting the dcs around?
So, look after the dcs first, do whatever HW you can do. All the rest is split up equally between the two of you. (And getting up during the night is also something you can share! If you are tired the day after, looking after the 2 dcs will be hard and difficult and probably harder than his doing his job with adults with the same level of tiredness)

Why don't you suggest that your joint income (his salary) goes into the joint account, and both of you get an allowance from this?

I think you are sensible to be considering this now and from what you're saying the SAHM part will be temporary. If that's the case an you agree what savings can be put aside so that you are financially independent for the period of time you are not working?

I've personally loath not having financial independence and believes it does alter the relationship. I also think that if you enjoy working then it's hard to adapt to the SAHM life. Can you and your DH save money now which will effectively be your disposable income whilst you are off.

I would also recommend nursery as most dc's do benefit from the social interaction.

We have a joint account where DH's salary goes, we both get full access to it. I don't think it's wise not to have full access to cash, for reasons related to cash card failures, having do call the bank in an emergency, if DH is in an accident I might not be able to authorise anything, etc.

I don't have a problem with allowances as such, I know other couples where this works, although it is a very high amount so there's no sense of feeling restricted. I think the women I know prefer it that way as they're not good at budgeting.

DH does few chores but that was part of our agreement as he works long hours and I am happy with it. We get help in anyway - a cleaner, gardener, handyman and had a maternity nurse for night feeds. We paid for childcare for a few mornings a week even when I didn't work.

I am a sahm and we have 2 dc's.

All our money (dh's wages, tax credits and child benefit) go into a household acount and we put some spending money into another.. We split the spending money equally and never ask what the other spends... Both accounts are joint and we both have cards / online access.

I tend to sort the house out as dh is working long hours but when he is home he shares everything with me jointly. He will put dc's to bedd, load and unload dishwasher, do gardening or whatever needs to be done.

I don't iron. I buy clothes that don't need it and hang the kids school uniforms up as soon as they come out of the wash and that's good enough.

The idea of an allowance wouldn't be ok with me - you are doing your dh a favour by running the house and taking care of his (your) kids... Just the same as he is doing you a favour by working. Its a team effort so the money should be both of yours... Not his to pay you out of.

I am SAHM to one DS. All money goes in the joint account, I keep track of it because DH can't be bothered, he asks me if it's ok to spend money on frivolous things (as we don't have much) and I let him know if there's enough there. He never asks about what I spend but I'll always let him know if I'm buying something big.

HW is just done as and when really. I do a fair bit of it during the day, in terms of washing (though I don't wash DH's clothes), keeping the kitchen clean etc. DH does most of the cooking in the evenings, and we both tidy afterwards. The house is usually pretty messy, we don't really care.

The main thing is that your DH doesn't suddenly see you as a Stay at home Skivvy who works for below minimum wage. With a newborn and a toddler the vast majority of your time will be taken up with the children and he can't expect a clean house or dinner on the table. Also dictating whether you can put the older child in nursery rings alarm bells as he seems to think managing the two all day on your own will be a walk in the park. I think you need to have a very clear and open discussion before the baby is born.

Out of interest, why did you dislike ML last time?

I disliked it as, being abroad, I have little support network so no family visits to break up the boredom of the days. I made sure I went out every day but there aren't many baby groups where I live so I used to just walk aimlessly around parks.

Plus DS1 would not nap so I got little rest during the day. I also missed the adult conversation and stimulation of being in work. Hence why I am worried about being a SAHM

If you are stopping working because as a family, this makes sense he needs a sharp kick up the bum if he thinks you need an "allowance". However, I agree with whoever suggested he might just have wanted you to know he wants you to feel you can retain your independence. The strength of your reaction can be based on his real meaning!

As a working mum with a stay at home partner, perhaps I can offer the view from my side? We have a joint into which all money is paid (currently just my salary but dh does occasional freelance work). All expenses come from that, including day to day clothing purchases etc. we each have an allowance, paid into a separate account for frivolous and going out alone expenses. Mine is slightly higher because I tend to go out for nice dinners and drinks with girlfriends while dh is more of a nandos and movie with a mate twice a month kind of guy. He also does not have my Kindle addiction! (he actually has savings he spends so little! ).

IMO this is the only way to work it as dh needs to know that he is working as far as I am concerned. I couldn't do it!

We also have a day and a half child care to give him a break and ds loves hanging with the other children and playing with different toys etc.

As for chores, I do expect dh to do more because he's at home. But, he's not a cleaner, he's a full time parent and that takes up most of his time. So he does most of the washing etc and general tidying and cleaning up but I do all the shopping (online from my desk) and cooking because dh is a useless cook but will pull together basics like fish fingers and veg when need be. He does all general admin like sorting out council tax, household stuff etc.

Works for us. We only clash sometimes over washing - dh will do it but has a tendency not to notice it unless I remind him. Makes me feel like a nag!

Do you h ave family in uk? And friends? I only survived ml because I had friends and family around.

The nct runs classes for parents who already have children. Maybe you should sign up for one - great way to meet other women with a child and a similar aged baby?