Think I have thrown something wonderful away...

[Fuckedupagain]

Sorry, just feeling down and need some perspective

Split up with h about 6 months ago, and very quickly fell for someone else. It was supposed to be very casual (fb if you want), but after spending time together something just clicked and both of us fell in head first.

We have had some truly wonderful times together, and for the first time in years I have felt completely loved, and have mirrored those feelings in return. It hasn't been easy, am going through a divorce, and at times both of our stress levels have resulted in us taking stuff out on each other that we shouldn't have.

Anyways... We had arranged to go out on Saturday night, to dp's friends birthday party. I have met him a couple of times, but didn't know anyone else. Stupid stupid me, had been feeling under the weather (dx with shingles yesterday) hadn't had anything to eat all day, couple of drinks in the house, got to the party, and ended up absolutely shit faced. To a point where I actually can't remember anything. Dp had to take me home (he was driving), I was sick in his car, and generally an absolute nightmare.

Next morning he tells me how horrendous I had been, made a fool of myself and him, the main focus being discussing the size of his man hood with his mate's girlfriend in not such a favorable tone. I can't remember this. I don't even think this. I have never thought this, our sex life is great, so it doesn't make sense.

He is understandably totally pissed off with me, and although we have seen each other a couple of times since, its not the same, and he has said that he doesn't think he can get over it. I have promised him faithfully that it won't happen again, and that anything I said was certainly not meant, but I don't think it's enough.

I am truly gutted. I feel physically sick at the thought of loosing him, I really did think I had found my soul mate.

What do I do?

Can I be honest?

If he was really in love with you, he would be angry, but he would forgive you. Soul-mates aren't just for the good times, they are there for you even when you stuff up, do the wrong thing, and a kind person would be very cross at you, but able to move on.

If he won't move on after a couple more dates, he's using this against you to make you feel bad. That's not nice and it's not soul-mate behaviour.

Agree with Mumsyblouse. If he is the one for you, he will not let your relationship end over some ill-chosen remarks made when obviously pissed.

Don't crawl too much either. Make it clear how desperately sorry you are, but don't lose your dignity, or you will hate yourself in a few weeks' time once you've seen past the "I did this to myself" guilt.

oh come on - if he had done the same you would have forgiven him because you see him as your soulmate. He clearly doesn't feel the same.

I really think that 6 months after a separation is too early to make any rational choices about anything, never mind soulmates.

Be fair, it's not just a 'I got pissed and was a bit of an arse' which is embarrassing of course, but can be seen as charming if you really really try. He thinks you took the piss out of penis size to soneone within his social circle (so to speak!)

Imagine if you overheard him raking over how your body doesn't come up to scratch and saying you were loose 'down there' or whatever to a friend. Men are extremely insecure about this criticism and it's pretty distressing to hear someone you love tear you down about something you can do nothing about or that you're sensitive about generally.

The thing is I have never even thought that, and certainly can't imagine even saying. I just wouldn't. I just wish I could remember the conversation, and could persuade him that he got the wrong end of the stick.

That's really weird. I guess you just have to persuade him as much as possible, maybe write him an email or something. You can only do your best. If you apologise from your heart and say what you know is true about how you feel, that's all you can do.

I agree with Vander and I am not sure how easy I would find this to forgive if it was reversed . Which is not to say that I don't feel sorry for you OP, you must feel terrible about it.

I would send a most heartfelt letter/email whatever and then just leave it with him. Theres nothing else you can do really.

Grasping at straws but are you sure you said it in that context? Can you ask the girl you were talking to? Is that possible? There is always the remote possibility he could be exaggerating because he is fuming about it all.

Sorry, I wouldn't forgive in that situation, either. I would think (rightly or wrongly) that it's what my partner really thought and that alcohol had given her the courage to say it. Whether it was true or not, it's a really awful thing to talk/joke about with his friends.

It's odd you don't remember the conversation. Did he hear you say this or is it hearsay? If he heard you, did he think you knew he was there?

There's no chance of his friend being a stirrer, is there?

I would be upset, but can a relationship really not sustain drunken bad behaviour as a one-off? I would be upset if my husband was drunkenly revealing my boobs were saggy or even that I'd changed intimately since I'd had children but I wouldn't lose a soul-mate over it.

I also think it's odd and would be asking my friend exactly what I said, especially if you don't think this.

A straight up question here. Was this drunken episode a complete one off or do you often drink quite a bit? It's just that your getting so paralytic that you can't remember what you said or did is at the heart of this problem and it just seems a bit odd that that would happen out of the blue.

Your other half is more likely to forgive and move on if he knows for a fact that it won't happen again. If getting shitfaced was a pure one off that should be easy. If you think you might have an issue with drink then that's obviously something that needs to be addressed.

Was something extra slipped into your drink? This happened to a friend and everything ended up disastrous after that...he was in a pub at the time. I don't want to give you excuses though if you're a binge drinker in denial.

Real soul mates would forgive - I feel very certain that I would have a LOT of making up to do, and he would be MORTIFIED by it...but he would forgive me. And likewise.

If I was dating someone who (early on in the relationship) got so shit faced at my friends party I see it as a major red flag and run as fast as I could.

There is nothing wrong in him having firm boundaries around alcohol abuse and you crossed the line.

I think you can apologise but I would take it as a warning to yourself, your marriage only ended a short while ago so you are bound to have emotions that aren't resolved. The excessive drinking could be a way that you process these emotions.

Getting so drunk is a total one off. Not like me at all. I did think that I had been spiked, was really poorly the next day - not sick, just heart racing and really jittery, but that could have been shingles.

I really just can't understand how I would have said it, given that it's so far from the truth it's unreal.

He's been around tonight to help me with something, tried to talk about it, tell him how I feel, but he doesn't know what to do either. He's hurt, and much as he loves me he doesn't know whether he can forgive me.

So sad

Fabulous double standards here.

I agree with him. Relationship breaker though? I doubt it, he's just smarting at the minute and is disappointed. You should get through it though.

Are you sure you actually said this and he's not making it up then beating you with it forevermore?? Are you friends with this girl, can you ask her what you said/talked about? Why would you take the piss out of the size of his dick if you genuinely don't think it's small?

Proud I had never met the girl before which makes it all the more bizarre. I wouldn't discuss that sort of thing (and haven't) with anyone, and if it was an issue the last thing I would do is joke about it with a random stranger.

I think it's over. Feel like such a fool. God I even introduced him to my parents last weekend.

I think if it's the real thing it will hopefully recover but unfortunately it is pretty much the lowest blow as far as a man is concerned (the whole 'size' thing). If you really love him you need to just keep telling him and hope for the best. If the dust settles and you can talk openly might be worth finding out a bit more about the context in case girl was stirring - but in the meantime take it on the chin. You were pissed enough to throw up in his car which = pretty out of it.

I really do sympathise OP - it's such bad luck, anyone can be a bit mental when they're totally sloshed - but I think you can appreciate how he feels about it too. I hope you can both recover from it

Well... your drink could have been spiked, or the effect of alcohol on an empty stomach may have combined with your illness to make you behave seriously out of character. Or... he could be lying. XH used to accuse me of saying some dreadful things. I do have a really poor memory, so he got away with it sometimes. When I did have an absolutely clear memory of what I really said he then tried to convince me that it had a hidden, reprehensible meaning. It's possible that yon guy is one of those.

Though actually, the most likely explanation in my (completely uninformed) opinion is that some shit-stirrer thought it would be terribly funny to tell him they overheard you saying these things which you did not in fact say at all. Guy, not knowing you very well yet and having some issues left over from his past, has no reason not to believe it. Unfortunately you can't in all honesty deny it for certain.

Shit-stirrers are a lot more common than Mickey Finns, in my admittedly limited experience.

I hope you don't mind me commenting on this but your use of the word soul-mate stuck out because it's a term that crops up over and over again in all sorts of forums I have read about separation and divorce. And the scenarios when it's used all seem to follow nearly the exact same pattern. I'm not questioning your particular situation. But from all I've read, the term is normally used by people who have been in a long marriage, are now separated and getting divorced, who fall for someone new and become so overwhelmed with emotional and physical passion (that they feel was missing in their previous relationship), that they consider this new person to be their one true soul-mate.

The reason I'm bringing this up is just to say that if this does go wrong, please don't beat yourself up and feel that there is no-one else out there for you. Having read so many similar scenarios (and being sceptical that so many people can all meet their one true soul-mate at the same stage of their lives i.e. whilst going through divorce) my take on this term and the feelings that go along with it (in my humble opinion), is that I would bet most of these people felt exactly the same about their wives/husbands when they first met and married and either can't now remember due to so much water under the bridge, or won't remember because it would be too painful to admit to themselves. So many seem to go through the same process in similar scenarios and use similar terminology that I don't believe these people are soul-mates, just someone that one has formed an intense emotional and physical bond with. Forming these bonds during times of heightened emotional distress (ie during divorce), only serves to further intensify these new bonds because the senses are working overtime and feelings of vulnerability are at their peak. I hope this makes some sort of sense, but I just wanted to say please don't imagine that if this does go wrong that this man is your only soul-mate because I'm sure there are many men out there who could love you and make you very happy. Best of luck.

Smacks of quick to jump in quick to part really OP.

Lesson learned.

Did she tell him you said this? Was she pissed too? Anyway, if someone said this to me and I knew she was drunk I'd keep my mouth shut like she should have done. Sounds like a nasty little mare.

I don't believe in soul mates by the way.

Been thinking about this on my way home as something's not quite right here.

OP, I have done what you've done in the past, twice actually and the both times, in hindsight, were because i had given up my power far too soon and did this due to sheer insecurity, knowing in my gut I was far more into them than they were me.

Now, if that's not the case then the man certainly should be able to take a heart felt sorry and that be the end.

If he uses it in any way from now on to use it as a stick to beat you with then tell him to get stuffed and move on.

Oh and prepared to give details too, if it makes you feel better

Call his bluff. Stop begging.

You've said sorry I agree with everyone that if this is such a great relationship he'd get over it, he sounds like he's milking it. Tell him that you're sorry, you've said your sorry and that it's clear that he's unable to get over it and so it's only right for both of you that you back off. You just say that you don't want to be in a relationship where forgiveness is absent.

One of two things will happen:

a: He will back down and tell you he loves you and is a fool
B: You finish the relationship with your dignity in tact as much as possible given the circumstances.

I don't agree if he was such a great guy and so into you, he'd snap out of it and forgive you. It's double standards.

If a bloke I'd just been dating, happened to get totally smashed, lose control, start talking about how lose and saggy I was, then to top it all. Vomited over my car, he'd be gone without a second glance. That's what you'd be told if the roles were reversed, with all justifications of pissy pay back behaviour.

It would be good to actually watch what you drink in future, if you turn into a nightmare. Not many decent men will want to know, to be blunt.

That said he either he can get over it or he can't. If he can't then that's actually not his fault. If true you were bang out of order. However he needs to move on, or you need to tell him to sling his hook. He cannot punish you forever.

Or the girl involved is a terrible shit stirrer and it never happened. I wouldn't be wholly surprised. I know one woman exactly like this, who did this to someone I know. However if you were so pissed you can't remember, we're genuinely a nightmare, them threw up over his car. I can see why he might me rethinking your character.

You really need to watch your drink and tell him if he can't move on then that's it.