Me and DP clash so much, but neither want to call it a day. Is love ever enough?

[causeforanamechange]

Morning everyone!

Well me and dp have been together for 9 years and have a 5 yr old DD with mild(ish) SN.

We both love each other very much, but we're really just not compatible. To be honest though, we've known this pretty much from day one but we could never leave each other because, as I say, we love each other so much. We broke up for a few weeks about 6 1/2 years ago and we quickly discovered that we couldn't bear to be apart from one another. Shortly after we got back together, I fell pregnant with DD(unplanned) and we were eventually happy with our situation.

The problem is, we constantly seem at war. Sometimes it feels like everything he says and everything he does, makes me angry. At times(like recently)even his facial expressions wind me up. I know that sounds ridiculous and possibly immature, but I just can't stop feeling like this. I'm pretty sure that he feels similarly towards me at times.

He still finds me attractive and wants sex with me on a daily basis, I, on the other hand, am really not bothered. Which is ridiculous, because he's the most attentive, selfless man when it comes to the bedroom and when we do have sex, I genuinely really enjoy it. The problem is, I never get that feeling beforehand that I want to have sex with him. Does that make ANY sense atall?! It's sounds so stupid when i'm typing it!

I constantly find myself fantasising about other men, but not usually in a sexual way. I'm usually fantasising about having an interesting conversation and having a good laugh and just generally being with someone who i'm compatible with. Me and dp have different sense of humours and I can't tell you how much I crave a good old belly laugh, which I very rarely get with him. It hurts me so much when I see other couples laughing and looking totally relaxed and at each with one another. There always seems to be tension in the air with us.

Going back to the beginning though, neither of us want to break up. We'll never stop loving one another and our DD has certain issues which would mean real problems if she had parents who weren't together. Routine is massive for her. She loves her daddy and I honestly don't know how she'd get through it if she didn't see him on a regular basis.

Am I expecting too much out of a relationship? Do I accept that we'll always be like this?

Please, I really am at the end of my tether with all this. I just don't know what to do.

Really appreciate any advice.

TIA

Sorry, meant at ease with one another, not "at each"

I recognise so much of what you wrote OP from my own relationship. I don't have an answer but I just want to say, it's really difficult and I totally sympathise. I also really understand the bit about never wanting sex but when you do it, it's really enjoyable.

I don't know if love is enough. I think there needs to be at least some common ground. I know me and my DH do have proper belly laughs together, and we do agree on some things. If there wasn't any of that I'm not sure I could stay with mine - but then, we have other issues that make things really difficult (that I won't go into here as it's your thread, not mine.)

I guess if you want to stay with him then yes, you have to accept that's how it is. You can't get everything from one person. Think about it. You have different friends for different reasons don't you.

Have you tried councilling?

The reason you don't want sex with him is that sexual attraction starts in the mind, doesn't it? If you are irritated by him, no wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

You are determined to stay together and that's great, but maybe you both/individually need some counselling so that you just get along better?

Oh and is he the sort of man to have a belly laugh with anyone?

Can I suggest you look up the books of John Gottman. He's an academic who has studied hundreds of married couples and found a way to pretty much predict who will last and who won't. What he found is that there are different types: passive type, friendship type, and volatile types. Guess which one you are?!

He argues that if you are volatile, this doesn't mean as a couple you will split up, especially if you are both a similar type and that becomes a stable aspect of your relationship (e.g. if you both agree that's just how you are and accept that, whereas if a passive person is matched with volatile, it can just be too unpleasant for them to live with). However, he also has a very interesting section on what the dangers are for each type of relationship and how you can watch for those signs, and correct them.

So, he's not saying this is a type of relationship doomed to disaster. There are plenty of pluses in a volatile type (including often sexual attraction years into a relationship) but there are plenty of minuses which can be corrected and worked on, if you don't want this type of relationship to explode, and to make day to day living more peaceable.

Also: if you are quite a critical person who is easily irritated, doing individual things to stop yourself reacting all the time really helps calm the whole thing down, such as meditation, relaxation (buy a CD and do this at home) or counselling/opportunity to talk.

There's no point wishing you were both different, and many people aren't passionately in love after 9 years, so you have to see there are bonuses in this situation, however, it's equally true that being in this type of relationship is tiring and emotionally draining, and I think you have to have strategies for limiting this, and building on the good bits, to see you through.

Can you tell which type of relationship I have?!

Thank you. Your replies so far have made a lot of sense actually.

bushy, It really is difficult isn't it. I don't know about you, but a lot of the time I feel like i'm losing my mind because I know i'll never be certain either way. I'd be interested to hear about your situation, but if you'd rather pm me i'd be happy to hear from you.

Miss, i'm actually having CBT which isn't quite the same as counsiling, but we do talk about me and DP, but I still can't make sense of it all.

Imperial, you're absolutely right! And actually, i've been brutally honest and expressed this to dp. I've told him that my reasons for not usually wanting sex isn't because I think he's physically unattractive, or that he's doing something wrong actually in the sack, but that when we're not getting on(which is most of the time) then I can't get mentally stimulated by him. On the rare occasion that we have long and interesting conversations, I find myself wanting him much more and again, i've even told him this. It never seems to go in though. I just repeat myself again and again, which he obviously will just see as whining. He is the sort of man to have a belly laugh, but it's more likely he'll laugh at toilet humour. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes find the most immature/silly humour really funny, but I prefer dry, sarcastic humour I suppose. I know it's each to there own, but it's certainly an issue for us. He's said lots that it makes him sad that he can't make me laugh like some of my friends. That makes me feel awful for him.

And me too mummysblouse

OP he is who he is, you can't change a persons sense of humour.

mumsy, that's really interesting. Will definitely have a look out for this book. Obviously, yes, i'm sure we would fall into the 'volatile' catagory. Tbh, that's the only thing apart from DD, which we have in common. We're both very hot headed and neither of us usually back down. Stubborn I suppose. Really appreciate what you wrote, thank you. It's given me some hope.

miss, I never said that I could. I'm not trying to change it, i'm just sad that we don't/can't laugh together more

I have a sense of humour like yours and there are only a couple of people I have ever known that can take it. And these are my friends with whom I don't have a personal relationship with IYSWIM. If I unleashed it on my DP he would take things the wrong way and be hurt.

If you are determined never to leave each other then you have a number of choices.
You could sort of seperate off part of the house,but I get the idea from your post that you would also not be keen on that either.
To therefore live in slightly more harmony than you are doing at present,I suggest you do a trade off.
Sounds a bit immature,but may work in your case.
So for instance he agrees to put all his washing in the wash basket,and take out the rubbish without moaning,and you agree to do x and y,again without moaning.That sort of thing.

Fair point Miss. Now that I think about it, there are only a handful of people who i'd be comfortable to be sarcastic etc around and apart from family who are similar, it usually took a while and questions like "you're not being serious are you?...............oh that's ok then!" So I get what you're saying.

amillion, I think I know what X and Y would be though and I don't think he'd mind the moaning Seriously though, whenever i've asked what he wants me to change, he always says " I want you to want me more". What do you say to something like that?...

OP are you me? DH and I are SO llike you it is silly! Right down the the fact of me not fancying sex until I am actually engaged in it...then I like it a lot.

I fantasise about being with a mild mannered geek who like me loves antiques literature and country walks...instead I've got a mad, (slightly bimbo-ish) gym bunny of a sports fanatic who loves socialising and that I clash with all the time.

We have found that we can't bear it though...we hate arguing but it keeps happening. We do try...we had a talk about it and have decided that one of us MUST walk off when it starts...and say "I'm not letting this happen...we'll sort it later."

And it helps a lot. The other usually recognises what's happening and chills.

My DH also wants me to "want him" more. He wants me to instigate sex and I can't be arsed! I'd happily have it oncea month! I explained to DH that if he is affectionate and flattering to me diring the day, then I get more open physically.

Do you come from different childhood backgrounds?
Also,does your DH understand that to most women sex does not equal love.I cant think of quite the right words,but you probably understand what I am trying to say.
So if you do not want it as often as he does,that that does not mean you love him less than he loves you.

I don't know Thespoken, am I you?........... Well glad i'm not the only one, but I know how tough it is. Yeah my dp used to be a bit of gym bunny and a bit too into his looks, but he's calmed down a little now. He's obsessed with cars and can indenify one EXACTLY just by hearing the engine. I find it reeeeeally dull, albeit impressive that he has such extensive knowledge on something. I suppose the subject is irrelevant, but it doesn't stop me getting irratated because this seems to be his only interest. Well that and tools. We do sound in very similar situations. I always use once a month as a cut off point. If it's any longer then I start to panic, whereas dp's already panicing after about 2 days since the last time we had sex. I guess the constant sense of urgency doesn't help. I feel pressured all the time to do it, so it just initially feels mechanical, rather than exciting and spontanious.

amillion, yes we are from different background/classes I suppose. I don't like judging people through their class and or background, but i'm sure it's got something to do with why we don't get on as much as i'd like. I've explained to him so many times that me not wanting sex that often, has nothing to do with not loving him enough. Again though, it doesn't seem to sink in. There's only so many times I can tell him.

You say you love each other very much (but don't like him) but how does that work? What do you love about about him?

How happy are you feeling with your life, outside of your relationship?

Let me try to explain something in my clumsy sort way..

Some people have 2/3 layers up there in their heads and some people have 53, does that make sense?

He is what he is OP the only way I see to go forward is to "accept" or end it.

I could be reading between the lines here.
If he is from a different childhood background from you,does this make him feel insecure,and that may be wh he panics if he doesnt have sex for 2 days.
Does he think deep down that you may leave him for someone "better"
And are you irritated by some of the things he does,because you have not been used to them in the past?

Love is a verb, not just an emotion. Love is not enough if you can't behave in a loving, considerate, respectful, affectionate etc. way. We all have friends that we love dearly but who are best enjoyed in small doses. You're in a relationship with one.

amillion, I think he does worry that I might leave him for someone "better". He's said before that he doesn't think i've landed on my feet with him, but he's landed on his feet with me. That doesn't make me feel good atall and actually I don't think that anyway. I'm not better than him, we're just different. Having said that, he can be quite aggressive in his manner at times and he doesn't understand why it upsets me. I know most if not all of his anger is down to frustration. Not just sexually, but intellectually. I feel awful for saying that because he's very bright, but he has quite severe dyslexia and gets very angry with himself. Sometimes I forget how much it upsets him. He always says that he wish he could teach me or inspire me in a way that I have with him. Again, it's heartbreaking to hear.

Cogito, maybe so. But I don't know what the answer is. It can't just be as simple as "leave him" and it can't be a simple as "deal with it". I'm not suggesting that we're the only couple in the word with complex issues, I just don't know what more I/we can do to stop all this negativity.

I dont think dyslexia means he isnt bright.
Would him taking an IQ test,highlight to himself just how bright he is.Sounds like he has self esteem issues,and this is affecting yours and his relationship.
If he could realise how bright he is in a quantifiable way,it may boost his self esteem,and thus lower his fustration, and thus lower is need for sex with you quite so often.
And is there something he could teach you that you would appreciate learning from him.

That was my point amillion. I know he's bright and his dyslexia has never really bothered me. It only bothers me because it bothers him. Especially when it comes to DD and being able to help her with her reading and writing. Where can you take an IQ test? Can you do it online? That's a good idea actually. When he tries to teach me something, which is almost always to do with his work which is building and construaction, I try desperately to listen and be interesting and sometimes I genuinely am. I see his face light up when he thinks i've learnt something new from him. The thing is, he has his own business and is very confident with his ability in that area. His work ethic, bravery and determination are things which I really admire him for the most, but he hates me saying it because he thinks they're boring qualities for me to appreciate and look up to the most. So I feel like I can't win.