Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

friends with benifits

42 replies

kittykat10 · 11/07/2012 10:07

hi i met my first ever bf off a dating site last year and we got on brilliantly we were so comfortable with each other , he was so kind and paitent with me as id basically lead a sheltered life when it came to men. with i a few months were were practically living togetherwith him even saying he couldnt wait till we were together all the time i stupidly joked at this point oh ud never cope with me . any way all went well till his birthday night out when his friend made a comment about me but bf i dont think heard it, a few weeks later he said he wanted to slow down we stil saw each other and days out with his child but ended up with himbreaking up with me, i was devestated by this as i had been happy.
my question is we are still in touch even having sex about 6 weeks ago when i went over to his, we both seem to want to go down the friends with benifits route , which i am semi happy with i go to uni in sept so will have to study hard.
am i making a mistake? i suggested a dvd fri night with the inevitable but he was non comitale but wanted me over last night!

shall i grab a bit of fun and maybe happiness or stay away.
i struggle to stay away i called by his house 2 weeks ago to give his child a bday gift and we ended up a quick fubble on way out.

OP posts:
peppapiglet · 11/07/2012 10:09

ive done this and it was a mistake for me, ended in hurt and heartache, it drags it out when it is not going anywhere. you'd be semi-happy... do you not want to be happy?

confusedgypsychick · 11/07/2012 10:14

Don't be stupid. You obviously still have feelings for him, which means you aren't his friend, which means you can't be friends with benefits.

Go to Uni, kick him out of your life, and meet new men.

peppapiglet · 11/07/2012 10:19

i dont think you can transition from "relationship" to FWB. There are too many feelings there and too much of a connection. i think the adrenaline and excitement keeps you going for a while but when it comes down to it, if there is no future then i dont think it works :-( the bond of having sex interferes and it screws you up! (from my experience anyway!)

solidgoldbrass · 11/07/2012 10:25

I think you are clinging on to this man because you have had so little previous experience and you (and he, by the sound of it) are both quite young. Say goodbye to him and move on, there are plenty of other men out there and this one is not interested in having a committed relationship with you at the moment.
TBH at your age, you should be running a mile from serious commitment as well. 'Settling down' is not what any woman should do, and certainly not while young, because it stops you developing as a person.

Original poster
kittykat10 · 11/07/2012 10:42

i wish i was young im in my 30s yes there are people who are virgins on their 30th birthday. so not ve3ry young , hence why i came on this site as i knew ladys of same age would be about.
i enjoyed the settling down thing maybe it was stupid but each night from work i used to love cooking for him

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 11/07/2012 10:53

OK, so you might not be young in years but you are young in experience. I don't know your past history, obviously, or the reasons why you were so sheltered (and there is no need at all to say what they are if you don't want to, that's your business) but it seems to me like you need time to explore the world and engage with a lot of different people before settling down. I appreciate that you may want children and that might be making you feel a bit more of an urgent need for commitment but a) there are worse things than single parenthood and b) despite all the propaganda, you are not necessarily in the final weeks of your fertility or anything. I got PG by accident at 39 so you've got a bit of time.

DuelingFanjo · 11/07/2012 10:58

get out, go to university, find someone you can have a futuure with. You'll just get messed up by this.

BIWItheBold · 11/07/2012 11:00

Walk away.

Develop some self esteem and find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

He is not worth it.

Original poster
kittykat10 · 11/07/2012 11:20

when i was with him i came out of my shel at xmas we were out and some girl said she liked my dress before id have shyed away but i sat talking to her briefly coz of him and it meant world to me when he said well done.
the sheltered life thing my own doing parents split up when i was 16 i stayed at home and looked after house ( mum left) stayed till about 10 year ago when i went to train as a nurse been living in one room at my mums since then , he gave me freedom if im honest.

OP posts:
soozeedol · 11/07/2012 11:37

you open your own doors and nobody else...it's true that ppl can give us the push and help towards things we want to do...
This man is how they say...'having cake and eating' ...you on the other hand may prefer that you meet someone and have a committed/deeper relationship with a proper partner to rely on and feel secure with.
You need to change your boundaries with this man...if he's now going to be a friend then that is what he should be...he's taking advantage of your feelings because you still feel more for him...thats wrong and not a good situation for you to let continue...screws your head up and just prolongs the inevitable.....you need to curb your contact with him and reel yourself back in so you can heal from this past relationship....
Off to Uni is a great fresh start...concentrate on that and you will find new friends and you never know...maybe someone special too....you need to get busy and not allow time for this guy...leave it behind you and keep the bits that made you feel good and happy...you will find that again...he's not the one for you...be strong now and move on xx

izzyizin · 11/07/2012 11:59

He hasn't given you freedom, honey.

Your personal freedom has always been yours for the taking, but you chose not to avail yourself of it until you met him.

Now you've tasted life 'on the outside', stay free by avoiding becoming enslaved by any man.

Don't look to others for praise; praise yourself on a daily basis for being you.

If you've chosen nursing as a profession you won't be doing your patients any favours by staying in your shell as many mistake shyness for disdain, disinterest, or general standoffishness.

Develop your social skills and overcome your shyness. If necessary get back to the dating site and cast your net for more fish.

ErikNorseman · 11/07/2012 12:11

This isn't FWB it's a lonely woman accepting crumbs from a man's table when she should be holding out for the three course meal. This will end badly for you, I guarantee it.

Mumsyblouse · 11/07/2012 12:15

You will get terribly hurt if you carry on sleeping with this guy when he has made it clear he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, you sound rather vulnerable.

I do agree that being with someone, especially your first proper relationship can make you see yourself differently.

But now is the time to make the most of this and get out there and meet someone who is really wanting to have a full relationship and perhaps settle down if that's what you both want.

By taking up time and emotions with this old boyfriend, you are stopping yourself meeting someone new, and you won't get the settling down you hope for either.

FateLovesTheFearless · 11/07/2012 12:19

Tell him to fuck right off. He doesn't want a relationship but still wants to have sex with you as and when it suits him, not you. There are plenty more fish in the sea, keep your self respect and go to uni.

Original poster
kittykat10 · 11/07/2012 12:32

each time we have had sex it been my idea tho i sound so stupid on here and im not deep down i know he using me . im not shy at work so being in my shel doesnt affect my paitents.

OP posts:
Cokeaholic · 11/07/2012 12:40

Please get some dignity and stop being used for sex.

Oh, and please look into using spellcheck on your typing or something similar otherwise you may well lose marks on University assignments.

Original poster
kittykat10 · 11/07/2012 12:45

i came here for advice not to be picked on for my spelling .

OP posts:
soozeedol · 11/07/2012 13:04

the OP's thread is about the position and dilema for the OP...please lets not go down the bloody spelling smelling path...I can't stand it when a post transitions to pointless things....it's the content not the detail that matters....
back to topic...you may think you are choosing to sleep with this man but really all your doing is not letting go of something you haven't realised yet that you don't need and isn't good for you....please try to stand on the outside of this and look in...what would your real advice be if this was a friend in this position??...now you have to find that inner strength to get past it and move on....it's in the past and can't be part of a good future ahead of you...it will interfere, upset, cloud your decisions and leave you defeated and used and empty....and that will feel alot worse than mourning a relationship thats over...be strong and move on...keep the friendship at a distance and stop putting yourself in this position with this guy....

Original poster
kittykat10 · 11/07/2012 13:38

i liked being part of a group of friends something ive not had before, its easier said than done about going out you cant just sit in a pub on your own and with my job and study i dont have tme to go to clubs ect.
yes im sad and pathetic but my history is a patheic thing he gave me some happiness

OP posts:
SoSad007 · 11/07/2012 13:50

KittyKat, he may have given you some happiness, but don't you think its time that you figured out to make yourself happy? As a person, you have the right to happiness in your life, and pinning your happiness in a man is going to lead you wrong at some point. In particular, a FWB situation with this particular man is going to end in tears at some point. A partner can enhance the happiness that you already have, but they shouldn't be your only source of happiness.

As someone else posted above, it would be a good idea if you got some help to improve your self esteem. Counselling can certainly help, or there are a multitude of great self esteem books out there these days.

Hope that helps.

Original poster
kittykat10 · 11/07/2012 14:45

been offered councelling before but to ashame to open up, i dont see what good it will do the problem will still be there

OP posts:
izzyizin · 11/07/2012 15:01

Why were you offered counselling and what problem 'will still be there'?

Your feelings about this guy, or something else?

Original poster
kittykat10 · 11/07/2012 15:10

i was off work with depression. the problem isnt him it me men scare me id never been kissed tll i met him . i dont really go out as no non work friends its been the same for years.

OP posts:
MamaMary · 11/07/2012 15:29

Kittykat10, please leave this man. You can do better. sorry, but he is just using your for sex. Be dignified and walk away. x

solidgoldbrass · 11/07/2012 15:45

TBH a man who will pursue a relationship with a woman as vulnerable as you sound is not a nice man. Is he older than you, as well? If so, then he is playing a nasty game, keeping you dangling and insecure to make himself feel good.

He may, of course, be just a thoughtless muppet who quite liked you but was not that into you and now wants to move on, but either way: you can do better than this and you really do need to focus on yourself not on pleasing a man. What do you like to do, what are your hobbies/passions? Do you like dancing? Painting? History? There are all sorts of activity groups out there which are a great way to meet all sorts of people; the more diverse a set of friends you have, the stronger and happier you become as a person.