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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Ex Has been swimming with my baby girl and his new beau!!!!!!!

27 replies

sanchpanch · 02/03/2006 14:10

oh my god i feel like i have taken 10 steps back, when i was really doing well...

He txted and asked me to pack dd swimming stuff for yesterday which i did...

Today at work my friend took me aside and said that she had seen them swimming and she was with them, and his mum was with them aswell, perfect family outing playing happy families with my baby girl....

I know there is nothing i can do, and as long as dd is happy thats all that matters, but i feel another knife through the heart like yes it is actually over and yes he has moved on, where as i have in lots of ways but not the relationship way..

And he has been phoning and txting me a lot recently which isnt normal,(but i havent responded) so i kind of guessed thay had split, but obviously not

OP posts:
Detta · 02/03/2006 14:20

You poor thing, it's horrid, I know, having been through the same thing. It just seems like there should be a law against or something, doesn't it? My DD is now 10, sees her father every other weekend (with his girlfriend and new baby) and also has a great relationship with her grandparents. YOU will always be your baby's mum, and no one can take your place - please try not to get upset about it, as there's nothing you can do about it. It will get easier I'm sure. Smile

anniemac · 02/03/2006 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lasvegas · 02/03/2006 16:32

sandpanch I would hate it to. But I mirror what anniemac says about being a step mum. Maybe because I have my own DD I have never felt the need to try and be my SK's mum. I tend to do practical stuff like making tea, I have to make for 1 anyway so may as well make for 3 kids, that gives their dad more time to play with them. I do play a maternal role of sorts as DH doesn't hear SK's if they cry out with bad dream so I get up and I nag about putting suncream on etc.

libb · 02/03/2006 16:48

sanchpanch, it is very painful. I found it hard because I knew the new girlfriend personally, she moved in with him just 3 months after I moved out. That was heart wrenching as I couldn't bear the thought of her playing my role. In the end I had to ask ex to stop telling me what they were doing/going to/being with etc. etc. I made sure the conversation was about nothing else except DS, it did help a bit.

Now I don't care what those two get up to because I know it probably involves arguing because its all they do. I have just asked ex to make sure the rows don't happen in front of DS. Meanwhile I am dating a lovely chap and feeling very in control of my feelings.

It will get better for you, you just have to let time heal you because it will.

mistressmiggins · 02/03/2006 20:14

I was surprised this was you as saw your thread about fancying guy at swimming pool

It hurts cos it should be you but it isnt
Yes he has moved on - but you knew that cos he left you for her....

dont be confused about the phoning / txting - if you are not responding, he is just trying to get contact...my ex is the same - doesnt mean they want you - they just want contact - cake & eat it?

concentrate on yourself

you know what?
why cant DD have 2 swimming costumes - tell him to buy his own - that way you dont need to know what they are up to

samdarling4atyahoodotcom if you want to chat

Somanykiddies · 02/03/2006 20:18

Second MistressMiggins, let ex buy his own kit for whatever it is that he wants to do, then you don't have to know and also do the washing when it comes back. It is soooo hard when there is someone else with your children but as everyone else says you will always be mum/mummy and you will be the one to tuck them up at night, read bedtime story and appreciate to the full the wonderful little person in your life.

mistressmiggins · 02/03/2006 20:24

thanks somanykiddies

you deffo need to tell him to buy her a costume - my kids are going away again this weekend and this time, Im only sending clothes, nappies & buggy.

books & toys - he can buy

Im not packing the whole house anymore Grin

infact, txt him & say, cant find costume, buy one if you want to go - you are no longer his wife OR in charge of washing etc
xx

Original poster
sanchpanch · 02/03/2006 20:30

thanks all,...

felling a bit better about it all now and have calmed down.....
the main reason i wqs peed off was because i used to stuggle to take 2 girls swimming every sunday (and still do!!!) and he refused to come with me,

He is going to be motified that he saw my friend there , and i cant beleive i have managed to keep my cool and not phone him about it but i cant be bothered, ill let him sweat

Ms miggins, yes i have moved on in lots of ways but keep getting little set backs which i think is to be expected and all part of it. How are things with you? and how are you little ones adapting?

OP posts:
Original poster
sanchpanch · 02/03/2006 20:32

i used to send food and everything but not anymore just clothes, and he buys nappies etc.

Yeah how much would swimmers be, £3.00 he should buy his own

OP posts:
Somanykiddies · 02/03/2006 20:49

My ex has had to buy everything. He told me that although he only pays bear minimum by CSA standards (ie 20% for two children) he still has to house/clothe/feed them when they are with him, so that's what I make him do!!!

mistressmiggins · 02/03/2006 20:49

good for you not txting
I have written several txt this week & then cancelled them

swimming stuff it cheap so I would just pack essentials and anything else, let him buy

my LOs are lovely as always - not sure the situation as quite sunk in for DS (nrly 4)
he wants me to go to in-laws this weekend(off with daddy to in-laws this weekend) but obviously not going to happen
Am dreading the weekend they go to daddy's new place - daddy hasnt even told DS about new gf

I am out tomorrow & sat night and going to relax sat day - looking forward to some ME time

Original poster
sanchpanch · 02/03/2006 20:53

good for you, enjoy yourself, i dont get free weekends anymore, just one night in the week,

so even if i did have guts to ask that bloke out i wouldnt get free time to go out with him, think i am doomed to be on my own!!!!

OP posts:
mistressmiggins · 02/03/2006 21:01

well tom night is a pamper night with a gf
sat night is family party

I am no where near ready for dating & quite happy by myself

you should still go for it if you like him Smile

Original poster
sanchpanch · 02/03/2006 21:21

I do like him but i am too scared of the rejection if he said no, i will just see how it goes over next few weeks, i to am happy on my own, much happier than i ever thought i would be, and i promised myself i wouldnt be with anyone till i got to the point that i was ok on my own and not desperate,

Have a lovely time x

OP posts:
MarkLondon · 03/03/2006 01:34

Reading from a guys perspective i'd say you were gutted that you hadn't met anyone yourself - why not get the to ask the guy out that you like?

You should be happy he has met someone - if hes a happier person for it then he's going to be a happier, better dad to your kids.

Dressing that up as anything to do with your kids is a bit hypocritical - or is it just me?

"So flame me"

lemonstartree · 03/03/2006 08:59

And the point of that post was ?

Get a life

OldieMum · 03/03/2006 09:24

Sandpanch - I feel a lot of sympathy for you. It must be very painful. However, the person who matters most in this situation is your DD. However difficult for you, your DD has to be given a chance to maintain a relationship with her father and his GF in a way that doesn't make her feel she is betraying you by doing so. If their going swimming helps this process, then that may be good for her. I speak as someone who was a step-mother for years. I was not the cause of DH's break-up (she broke up the marriage), but his ex-W was unremittingly hostile to us both for ten years (until she died). Her main weapon was the children (two of whom her his step-children, three of whom were foster children). She would interrogate them after each contact visit and then ring up to harangue us about some supposed terrible thing we had done to them. It made it very difficult for them to speak to her about what they were doing with us. This puts enormous pressure on a child, who feels divided loyalties. They are grown up now, but I think they have been permanently damaged. They find it difficult to express their feelings and have a tendency to 'compartmentalise' their lives in a very unhealthy way.

OldieMum · 03/03/2006 09:26

I should add that when DH and his ex-wife separated, he was advised by friends whose parents had divorced never to make them feel divided loyalties and never to question them about what they were doing with the other parent.

Original poster
sanchpanch · 03/03/2006 10:08

and that is something i would ever do, i have known about her for a long time since we split, but at xmas was surprised that he asked me if i had a boyfriend my response was none of your buiness, he responded by saying it is my buisness if there involved with my children, so i am surprised by his actions, when he hasnt discussed it with me.....
i would never act like a hateful ex,in front of my dd, just on here!!!!
And i just came on here to get some reasurrance etc, thankyou

OP posts:
OldieMum · 03/03/2006 10:11

Again, I sympathise a great deal, but I'm afraid you will have years of biting your lip and perhaps having to behave much better than your ex-may be behaving. It is very hard, I know. Good luck.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 03/03/2006 10:13

sanchpanch

There is something very strange going on here at the moment, ignore MarkLondon's comment.

Bugsy2 · 03/03/2006 10:26

Sandpatch, I know so well how this feels. My ex brings his girlfriend (previously mistress) to pick the children up on Friday nights. I watch the four of them disappear off to his car chattering and laughing & it is not a pleasant experience for me!!!
All I can say is that it does get easier. I find recalling how really horrible ex-H was to me at moments like that helps ease the pain.
Most important thing is that the children are happy, and if your DD had a great time swimming then hopefully that is a bonus too.

Bugsy2 · 03/03/2006 10:27

Apologies Sanchpanch, not Sandpatch - I'm so sorry!

Original poster
sanchpanch · 03/03/2006 10:34

thankyou, apparentely dd wouldnt get in the pool with him.... where as i take her every sunday and she cant get in quick enough,

Luckily i dont see him because he picks her up from nursery and has her over night then takes her back to nursery,

Obviously his weekends are to filled with other fun for him to have dd at the weekends oh Happy Days ............................

OP posts:
benbenandme · 03/03/2006 18:08

Sanchpanch I wish I could take this hurt away from you ... having gone through the same kind of crap as you over the last 6 months+ I have been really impressed with the way you have held it all together and you really do seem to have moved on an awful lot! There will always be things like this that crop up that hurt, but try and think how much less it hurts now than it did last year.

I know everyone will be telling you that things will get better etc. and they genuinely will!! I have been reading your other post about the guy at the swimming pool and really urge you to try and develop things further there, you never know unless you try!!!

I have been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks, and promised myself at the start that it would only be a bit of fun, wouldn't get too involved etc, but already I am deliriously happy and would never have believed, even a month ago, that I would feel this way anytime soon... you never know whats around the corner!! Smile

The ironic thing is his wife left him last summer too (with his ds) so he has been through the same crap too so understands completely. however it does mean that I am "the new girlfriend" and she is not happy about it as she doesn't want us playing happy families with their son, which I can totally understand as I felt the same about ex and his gf doing that with our ds! How complicated is all this !!!

Anyhow, think about how far you have come and how much of a better person all this has made you! I've never met you but I think you've done a fab job !!!! Big hugs xxxx

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