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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should i leave my partner?

27 replies

jsilvia · 10/07/2012 15:50

Ok, so I know that it is only me who can answer this question, but I am struggling with it as I am losing confidence in my ability to make the right decisions.

My p and I have been together for about 3.5 years, living together in a lovely home for 2. I have two older children - 21 and 23. His are primary school age. I brought my kids up on my own, having left their dad when they were tiny.

In short p is loving, kind, good at conversation, nice to my kids, nice to his kids, but I have fallen out of love with him and I can't bear to have sex with him. I try and arrange to go out when he is in, so that when he is out of the house, I am in and alone. I love it when he is away for a couple of nights and get very fed up if he says he is going to be home early. I like going to parties and social gatherings on my own, or with my two grown up kids.

My theory is that
a) I spent so long as an adult on my own, in no relationshiup, that I find living with someone difficult. And he is very very untiday and even dirty which, although I am not very houseproud at all myself, I find v difficult
b) we met when he was married (not something i am proud of) and we worked together - he was senior director although not my boss. he lost his job and although doing ok, is doing a job that I have no respect for or interest in.
did I fall in love with a man becuase he was important/had status and was unavailable and does that mean I can't regain what i used to feel for him?

We do not have kids together and I am 50.

would love to hear thoughts/experiences of others

OP posts:
MissFaversam · 10/07/2012 15:51

Whatever the reason/s OP, looks like it would be kinder to part really doesn't it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2012 15:55

Yes you probably miss the thrill of the forbidden. The fantasy didn't match the reality. Hope his ex-wife sees the funny side.

jubilucket · 10/07/2012 15:58

Can you face sharing the next 30 odd years with him? If not, time to move on and give both of you a chance to find a fulfilling relationship.

extremum · 10/07/2012 16:16

The grass is ALWAYS greener. Remember that. But with that in mind, if there are things (or people) you'd like to do, then you have to go for it. You're halfway through the adventure and your energy levels will begin to slow at some point. So if you're not content now - leave, as amicably as you can, and enjoy more of what life has to offer. And give him the freedom to find someone who will tick all his boxes too.

Redknickerswillstoptrains · 10/07/2012 17:45

The thrill of the chase and now reality has hit home,you sound selfish and immature,you need to have a serious chat to your partner and be totally honest with him.

That leaves you free to find the next exciting married man,until life gets in the way of your"fun" again.

Redknickerswillstoptrains · 10/07/2012 17:46

Oh and I don't think you fell in love at all,just lust.

Flisspaps · 10/07/2012 17:47

If you're not happy, leave.

causeforanamechange · 10/07/2012 18:01

Sorry, but I kind of agree with what Red said. I'm sure you'll think she's just being harsh, but actually you already admitted that the 'thrill' of the chase of the 'unavailable man' was probably confused for love. The problem is, he's yours now, you got him, it's not 'exciting' anymore and i'm afraid not many will sympathise as many women on here have been in your DP's ex wifes position.

Having said all that, if you're just looking for some impartial advice.............leave.

izzyizin · 10/07/2012 18:45

You were never in love with him as an individual. You wanted the status of being seen with an 'important senior director' and you found it immensely flattering that you were able to lead him by the dick nose into throwing his wife and young dc away for you.

Now he's lost his former status you're not remotely interested in him. He's become an inconvenience; a piece of baggage that isn't needed on your voyage to where... the harbour of another 'important' man?

You're complaining about his slovenly ways, but at your advanced age surely you knew that behind every successful man is an astonished woman an army of cleaners/launderers/shoe cleaners/suit pressers etc or one multi-tasking drudge phenomenon commonly known as a 'wife'.

Is the 'lovely home' you're living in his alone or did you sell up to set up your love-nest?

Flisspaps · 10/07/2012 18:50

If a man chooses to leave his wife, that's his fault, no-one else's.

AThingInYourLife · 10/07/2012 18:56

You broke up a family with young children because you wanted an ego boost.

Stupid prick deserves what he has coming.

Poor children :(

izzyizin · 10/07/2012 19:01

Absolutely, Flisspaps, but the siren's song can sound mighty alluring to those aboard the ship of fools.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2012 19:15

That's why I said I hoped his exW could see the funny side. Although it must have been a nasty shock at the time, in her shoes I would be hugely satisfied with the eventual outcome.... Mr Dubious Personal-Habits not only down on his luck but out on his ear. :) Sweet.

Original poster
jsilvia · 10/07/2012 19:28

Gosh. Some of this is very harsh. Maybe it was the way i put it. trouble is, you cant give all the details in a short note. Others don't know my p's circumstances with his ex- w, nor did I mention that my ex-h had affairs too. It is sometimes complicated. Surely everyone knows that. And of course what i am doing here on this site is testing things out in an open way - challenging myself and my motives is a good thing. Not sure I will do that again! Lesson learnt. By the way, the 'lovely home' is 90% mine.

OP posts:
Binfullofsiliconelimbsonthe45 · 10/07/2012 19:34

Is he younger than you op?

izzyizin · 10/07/2012 19:35

It would seem that poetic justice has been meted out to both of you, OP, and when his exW comes to hear of it I daresay that drains and laughing will be the order of the day.

There's a certain familiarity to your story and I'm wondering if your dp's exW or one of her relatives/dfs reads this board...

Sweet indeed, CES Grin

izzyizin · 10/07/2012 19:44

If you own 90% of the love-nest it would seem your question should more properly be 'shall I tell my partner to leave?'

In which case, if he's reluctant to pack his bags and go in peace, your 9/10ths share of the property won't be sufficient for you to legally enforce his departure unless you buy him out of his share in it.

Original poster
jsilvia · 10/07/2012 19:45

He is actually 7 years older than me. His ex lives abroad but i really don't see why she is the entire focus of the responses!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2012 19:47

Don't worry OP you just didn't read the 'first rule of MN'. Never and I mean never own up to being an OW, even if the DW#1 was a violent psychopath that drowned kittens for fun. You will never be allowed to forget it. :)

Original poster
jsilvia · 10/07/2012 19:59

Thanks, CEO. I get that now; it's all so black and white to some people, isn't it? As I say, lesson learnt - MN isn't for everyone. I also need to look up what the abbreviations mean. OP? OW?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2012 20:04

Original Poster and 'Other Woman' (round here that's about one rung below 'Beelzebub'). So are you going to tell Mr Skiddies the bad news?

Original poster
jsilvia · 10/07/2012 20:09

My mother is ill at the moment and youngest daughter coming home in a couple of weeks. So gonna ride this one out for a bit and think hard.

OP posts:
Binfullofsiliconelimbsonthe45 · 10/07/2012 20:48

I only asked if he was younger, when you mentioned his younger children, and also your exasperation with his untidiness.

A RL pal once took in a younger man, and felt completely turned off by the fact that he was a pig, who moved from one "mother" to another. It was a complete turnoff to her that she had taken on that role, and the relationship went downhill from there.

I think you have hit the nail on the head yourself, you have enjoyed your peace and personal space for such a long time, having things "just so" in your own world. It's really difficult to then accommodate someone like him into your life.

I lived alone for 7 years between relationships and it was really hard letting someone back into my personal space.

It's not wrong to enjoy someone with prestige in life, however it seems to me that a lot of his "magic" for you, was when he was powerful and someone in the workplace, possibly that's all there was, and you didn't consider what he'd be like out of that position and without the thrill of the secret relationship.

Down the line you are now finding out he's just an average slob by Joe with skiddy undies lying on his side of the bed and that's not what you felt you were signing up for.

I would cut the avoidance tactics and face the music. Make a break and spend some tIme alone assessing what you really want out of life. I'm sure in hindsight you'll be cautious about leading with your head more than your heart again.

The relationship section is one where you were bound to get flamed, so many hurt women on the other side of the fence, so to speak.

Original poster
jsilvia · 11/07/2012 07:40

Thank you, binfullof...... This is helpful. I think you put it rather well and yes, I can't see myself plunging into another relationship quickly. Avoidance tactics - other things in my life that need attention, such as my mother - are tempting, but probably not ultimately very helpful. (wonder if I will get criticism for that comment!).

OP posts:
Binfullofsiliconelimbsonthe45 · 11/07/2012 09:54

I hope you manage to resolve things. You sound like you are both surviving, not living, and it's easy to get into that trap.

FWIW it's pretty gutsy to come on here and admit you were the OW,

Good luck op.

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