should i leave my partner?

[jsilvia]

Ok, so I know that it is only me who can answer this question, but I am struggling with it as I am losing confidence in my ability to make the right decisions.

My p and I have been together for about 3.5 years, living together in a lovely home for 2. I have two older children - 21 and 23. His are primary school age. I brought my kids up on my own, having left their dad when they were tiny.

In short p is loving, kind, good at conversation, nice to my kids, nice to his kids, but I have fallen out of love with him and I can't bear to have sex with him. I try and arrange to go out when he is in, so that when he is out of the house, I am in and alone. I love it when he is away for a couple of nights and get very fed up if he says he is going to be home early. I like going to parties and social gatherings on my own, or with my two grown up kids.

My theory is that
a) I spent so long as an adult on my own, in no relationshiup, that I find living with someone difficult. And he is very very untiday and even dirty which, although I am not very houseproud at all myself, I find v difficult
b) we met when he was married (not something i am proud of) and we worked together - he was senior director although not my boss. he lost his job and although doing ok, is doing a job that I have no respect for or interest in.
did I fall in love with a man becuase he was important/had status and was unavailable and does that mean I can't regain what i used to feel for him?

We do not have kids together and I am 50.

would love to hear thoughts/experiences of others

I think you have had some very harsh responses here. Not surprising, given the forum, but there must be plenty of MNers who have been the OW so don't take the nastier comments to heart.

It sounds as though you know you do not want a future with your OH but feel bound to him by virtue of the fact that he left his wife for you. Although of course no woman should get involved with another woman's husband, I concur with what another poster said, that only the man who leaves the wife is to blame for that. That was his decision and, unless you did a proper Fatal Attraction number on him, I don't think you should feel stuck with him just because he left her for you. He might have left her anyway. If their relationship had been perfect, he wouldn't have had his head turned. As he did, it's not unreasonable to surmise that if it hadn't been you, it would eventually have been someone else.

So, try to look at your situation as you would if you had met as 2 single people. You've tried living together and for whatever reason, it's not for you. He's not for you. As others have said, you owe it to both of you to let him go, so you can both find fulfilling relationships. No point being shackled miserably to each other because you don't want to be alone.

Thanks, Peppin - for this wisdom. Guilt wont help anyone. It's just that I do actually care about p and really wanted it to work. I really did love him. But things sometimes change and living with someone can be hard for some of us.