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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on me (if anyone remembers!)

36 replies

HowamIgoingtogetoutofthis · 10/07/2012 15:30

Update from original thread:

here

I am grateful for everyone's support. I have had a quiet time trying to make some plans/sort myself out. Just running away and name changing isn't really an option, nor is it sensible, as it could be twisted as I would be the one doing the abducting IYSWIM, albeit for very good reasons. I wouldn't want to give H any footholds.

I have managed to save a massive £350 by not spending anything at all and squirreling away, I had an unexpected windfall that helped. I just need to sell some stuff and I should have enough for a deposit.

I have siphoned off and hid at work the children's birth cerifticates, taken details of all their passports (but not their actual passports as I do not want to raise any suspicions).

I have realised that starting any kind of process WILL escalate the situation quickly and expansively.

BUT following H stating he would be taking DS1 away in the summer (leaving me with his less preferred DS2) and getting SILs to block me on fb (weird) I think things are moving in the wrong direction. I am trying to surruptiously gather a recording of the threats but have to date been unsuccessful. I am photographing all his messages between H and his mother for any evidence, I haven't got anything substantial yet.

I have admitted to a couple of RL friends that things aren't exactly a bed of roses and a colleague and close friend know of the threats and are being supportive but not intrusive or pressurising me. I am meeting with the Health Visitor regularly for extra support and to ensure the children's welfare is externally monitored (should I ever need proof of it all being well).

Most importantly I have made an appointment to see a solicitor. A really good one, with the kind of accolades I could only hope to achieve in my lifetime. I sent an email with the whole sorry situation contained therein and am seeing her very soon. This paragraph makes me feel a bit sick. Like it is all very very real all of a sudden. Hand holding required. Am moving slowly but doggedly.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
AnastasiaSteele · 10/07/2012 15:45

Consider your hand held. You are making some marvellous strides - admitting to problems, a running away fund and appointments with the relevant professionals - wow. Stay strong.

gettingrealnow · 10/07/2012 16:01

I just read the first post of your original thread and your update today. My heart goes out to you. You can do it. You sound like you have a plan! just keep going. xx

LookBehindYou · 10/07/2012 16:12

Wow. Just whizzed through your previous thread. Consider your hand held very firmly.

TheHappyHissy · 10/07/2012 16:40

Another hand reporting in for long term duty. What can we do to help?

AlmostAHipster · 10/07/2012 16:40

I'm here holding your hand too.

tb · 10/07/2012 16:45

I do remember your previous thread, and hope you manage not to change anything about your demeanour or behaviour that could cause your 'd'h to become suspicious.

Also, I wouldn't leave it too late to move the dc's passports into a safe place with all the other papers you will need before leaving.

Hope you manage to keep up your good work and things work out.

cpots · 10/07/2012 16:49

Hand holding at the ready ... stay strong x

luzluz · 10/07/2012 20:30

Goodness howami you poor poor thing

I second moving the passports - it is your only guarantee that they cannot be whisked away - who knows what he is plotting. if he does find them missing then at least he can't take them out of the country. How often does he check they are there?

Could you secretly get them reported as stolen so that if he did ever take them then there would be a massive fuss at any passport control as they're not valid? By which time the police could have been put on to him.

I spent time on the run from my Dad as a child, I never ever regret the fact that we left. you are doing a wonderful thing for your kids. I wish you every strength and bit of good luck.

It's also great that you have records of having involved the solicitor and HV.

Wish i could give you some useful advice.

keepcalmandeatcupcakes · 10/07/2012 20:38

So glad to hear your doing well. I would second taking the passports, but how far away is this solicitor appointment? If its soon, then I would hold off till then. Have you recorded any strange events in a diary, as this may help if your not getting anywhere copying the messages. Big hand holding - please let us know how you get on :)

Original poster
HowamIgoingtogetoutofthis · 10/07/2012 20:40

Thank you kind MNers... A virtual hanhold is lovely. Thanks also tb I am working so hard at staying normal-whatever that is! The more I ask him to stay at home the more he stays out. Ramadan is coming up. He is even worse then ironically. Starts getting itchy feet, and has the worst rages. I need to have a good exit route in place by then.

OP posts:
luzluz · 10/07/2012 20:41

sorry just re-read your thread (missed some initial pages for some reason) and saw the passport issue is much more complicated.

Just sending you lots of luck and strength

Original poster
HowamIgoingtogetoutofthis · 10/07/2012 20:52

The solicitors appointment is imminent and want to talk to them first. I don't think he would necessarily use them, he might well use fake ones. If I take them he will notice, he is VERY particular about passports. I might give it a go and say I need to send them to tax credit people...

OP posts:
discrete · 10/07/2012 21:09

That is awful. But you are doing the right thing and you know it.

You have to get your children away from him. DH's father was very like your H and tbh dh has never forgiven his mother for not protecting him from his father. His fondest dream as a child was that she would leave him. Alas, she did not.

My guess fwiw is that he is using the children primarily to control you - he has no real interest in them. Of course that is not necessarily helpful as he can damage them a lot in order to try and control you, but it may help you in your head as you do your best to keep them away from him.

bogeyface · 10/07/2012 21:17

A bit OTT but could you send for replacement passports claiming they are lost and have them sent to another address? I dont know the legals around that but maybe it is a possibility?

scarletforya · 10/07/2012 22:33

I wish you luck OP. Your situation is so difficult. I think with very careful maneuvering you can get out. You deserve so much better.

whatinthewhatnow · 10/07/2012 23:00

holding your hand. keep strong.

Original poster
HowamIgoingtogetoutofthis · 11/07/2012 20:45

I saw her. She was very inspiring. Appointments made with GP and HV. Employer told (he was stunned but supportive). Told RL friend. I am feeling very very wobbly. :(

OP posts:
MangawhaiHeads · 11/07/2012 20:47

Thinking of you, kia kaha (be strong) as we say in NZ.

M xx

Original poster
HowamIgoingtogetoutofthis · 11/07/2012 20:58

Thanks manga. I feel stupidly guilty. I know how much is will hurt H. It may destroy him, and I'll be responsible for that. My poor mother when have to tell her will go to pieces. His family will be devasted, the children will miss him dreadfully. I know it's his behaviour that has led to it, but in my heart I feel I am going to be responsible for so man people's pain.

I am so sad I will have to give up the great bits of my life, the parts that have kept me going all these years. That I will have to leave the city I adore. That the children will be so unsettled, have to leave their nursery where they are so happy. That they won't go to the wonderful local school.

That I have got yet another life drama going on and that now my children are part of it. I can't be stable, grounded, normal. I know it's silly to feel this way but I really really do.

OP posts:
discrete · 11/07/2012 21:11

Howami

You are thinking about this the wrong way. What you are actually doing is:

  1. Teaching your children that you do not have to accept it when people scream, shout and throw things at them
  2. Showing them that a normal couple relationship does not involve abuse
  3. Standing up for them and choosing to give them a good life even though it is harder for you in the short term, because you are prepared to do what is right by them
  4. Taking pain yourself in the short term because it is better than them suffering in the long term, which they would do both at your dh's hands and when they are grown up and struggling to have a good relationship without a decent role model

In other words, you are being a good mother. Congratulations.

Original poster
HowamIgoingtogetoutofthis · 11/07/2012 21:16

Thanks discrete, this leave the bastard stuff is far harder and more frightening than I had imagined.

OP posts:
discrete · 11/07/2012 21:22

Of course it is. Just keep telling yourself that you are doing it for your dc...

kissyfur · 11/07/2012 21:29

Howami, just read your original post and update, my hand is yours to hold! You are doing the right thing, please don't blame yourself. Hope you can get the children's passports away soon and good luck with it all. Stay strong x

Inadeeptrance · 11/07/2012 21:40

Well done OP you are doing everything right. I disagree that you will break his heart by leaving. I'm sure the brick that is swinging in its place will be just fine.

Don't feel sorry for him, he is abusive and your kids will be better off without him, not worse.

thenightsky · 11/07/2012 21:59

Gosh... Well done so far!

I do remember your original thread very well.... me and a couple of my RL friends were following it at the time.

So pleased you are making brave moves.

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