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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I say to my son who is having a hard time in his marriage?

27 replies

ummamumma · 10/07/2012 13:40

He and my dil are having a hard time at the moment. I have to say, that she can be a bit of a cow, but he is not perfect either.
I don't want to get involved or offer advice to either of them. The only thing is my son called me earlier today and started slagging off his wife to me. He seemed quite upset, but I just told him that I didn't want to know.
I feel bad now. If he were homeless, I'd give him a place to stay in a heartbeat. I'd do anything for my son. But my gut says not to get involved.
I just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 10/07/2012 13:42

Your gut is right, dont get involved. Sympathise if you want, but dont go slagging her off, chances are she will be the love of his life by tomorrow again and you will be the bad one.

NewMummy48 · 10/07/2012 13:44

You are doing the right thing by not getting involved in the relationship, My advice would be to just let your son know that you will always have a place for him to stay if he needs to get away for a while or if there relationship ends and that you will always be there for him and have a shoulder to cry on but just let him know that you dont want to get involved because you dont want to have a negative opinion of your dil and that he needs to talk to her about it rather than you.

That is all you can offer and i think you have done the right thing, I hope everything turns out okay!

2to3 · 10/07/2012 13:45

Why take sides? Listen to what your son says and respond to him like a grown up. If he's being an arse, say so, but in a gentle way. Same goes for her. Maybe they could do with a break together while you take the kids for an eve or something? Being supportive of them both and their marriage by listening and being a sounding board is the best thing you can do I think.

Lovingfreedom · 10/07/2012 13:47

Don't try to give advice to both of them. As you've identified you'd do anything for your son which means that you can't be completely unbiased. Your DIL should have friend/family that she can talk to.

Listen to what he has to say and let him know that you are there for him. You might be able to help him sort out his thoughts and feelings but don't say anything that would then sound bad if he later says 'my mum says you.....blah blah blah'. Resist slagging off your DIL to your son. Stick to what he thinks/wants.

Original poster
ummamumma · 10/07/2012 13:48

Thanks for the reassurance. I just fear that it will sort of backfire on me to get involved, you know what I mean? What if my tell my son something negative about my dil (I do feel negative towards her sometimes), she hears about it and shuts me out for a while.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 10/07/2012 13:51

Yeah - don't say anything negative about your DIL unless you know something really awful (she's been unfaithful, serious crime, drink or drug problem etc) that your son really needs to know about. Resist just slagging her off as you'll ruin your relationship with her and potentially your son and won't help him any that way.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2012 13:51

Same as the others I would recommend being a good listener. But employ a few 'active listening' techniques rather than simply being dumped on i.e. echoing back the points he's making and asking what he's going to do about them. The exception would be if he asks you directly for your opinion. Then I think you have a green light to be honest.

Original poster
ummamumma · 10/07/2012 13:55

Thing is I don't even want to give him my opinion. My opinion is, truthfully, that they are really bad for one another (not abusive, just incompatible) and that they'd be better off apart.
I say that, he takes note of it, tells my dil.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2012 14:02

Then if you're asked your opinion whether they are compatible you turn it around and ask it back... 'What I think isn't important. Do you think you're incompatible?' That way he has to form his own opinion

Lovingfreedom · 10/07/2012 14:02

He needs to work that out for himself (if it's true). Take Cogito's advice. If your son says 'I just think we're really bad for each other' you can say 'you say you think you're really bad for each other, what makes you say that...what can you do about this' type thing. If he does then ask for your opinion you could say something like you've sometimes wondered about their compatibility from the outside, but always thought there must be something more between them that keeps them together.

Lovingfreedom · 10/07/2012 14:02

Cross posted with Cogito - agree!

Original poster
ummamumma · 10/07/2012 14:11

Yes, I must avoid giving an opinion on their compatibility or anything else. He's got to reach his own conclusions.

OP posts:
Original poster
ummamumma · 10/07/2012 14:17

My (late) mil used to give me her opinion on everything. Until one day it got too much -it was about of all things a pair of curtains that her daughter (my sil) had chucked out and she thought were good enough for us. We were quite young and poor at the time and, to be honest, the curtains were OK but I sort of sensed that if I didn't nip things in the bud and politely refuse the curtains, I'd have her dictating everything in the home. She really laid into me for being 'ungrateful' and 'not into being part of the family' riled into rudeness by her rudeness I told her -I'm ashamed to say it here but I was sick of her interference- to quite literally p* off.
Best thing I ever did, though, she was more respectful after that.

I guess I am determined NEVER to be that sort of mother/ mil!! Grin

OP posts:
countingto10 · 10/07/2012 14:46

My DH bad mouthed me to my mil, said I was cold and unfeeling, that we were having a bad time - turns out he was doing it because he was having an affair and was trying to justify it. All part of the distanting etc that goes with an affair etc. Not saying this is the case here but just a bit Hmm that he is discussing it like this. There may be a lot more to this that you just don't know about.

ImperialBlether · 10/07/2012 15:03

I think you can just ask questions and listen. If you offer an opinion there's a chance it'll bite you on the bum.

So you could say, "What do you think caused the row?" "How did you feel when she said that?" "Did you mean it when you said X to her?" "How much of your time together is spent arguing?" etc but don't say, "God, I'd be furious if someone said that to me...."

5madthings · 10/07/2012 15:11

what cogitoergo has said, dont get involved, listen but get him to think about what the problems really are and waht he is doing about them, do NOT bad mouth your dil or it will get back, these things always do, even offhand comments that are not meant to upset etc.

can i ask tho is it usual to diss your other half to your parents, i can get if you are having real difficulties you may mention it, but dp and i have had our ups and downs over 15yrs, including almost splitting and going to relate etc, family did know that we were having counselling but that was as far as it went, i didnt go into the ins and outs with my family and neither did he (tho his family is not big on talking at all which was part of the problem!) anyway if i have issues i may rant on a forum or have a natter with a friend but i cant imagine phoning my parents and telling them all about it, but maybe thats just me.

Original poster
ummamumma · 10/07/2012 15:32

I could never stand it when my dh used to tell my mil about our arguments, but then she was the domineering, control freak type and she never liked me. So I always had my guard up around her. I never go into detail with my own parents and try not to tell them serious stuff. Perhaps I'll have a moan about trivial stuff but nothing important. Of course what is important to some is trivial to others. For example, saying 'my dh has forgotten to put the bins out again!!' is OK but, 'My dh is impotent' would not be IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 10/07/2012 15:35

You prob need to use a bit of judgment here on the scale of the problems. If it's him sounding off a bit and moaning then just tell him to sort it out with his DW. If it's more serious and he's thinking in terms of a future possibly without his DW then get prepared to be more involved with supporting your son.

Lovingfreedom · 10/07/2012 15:39

My MIL got really involved in the break-up between my ex-H and myself. She apparently meant well but clearly couldn't help being on his 'side' and in the end I told her (politely) to off and she took offense. What she regarded as support to me came across as interference, borderline stalking and emotional blackmail. If she'd kept an appropriate distance we might still be friends (we were very close during the marriage). I can tell from your posts that you are very sensitive to your son and your DIL, even though you have mis-givings about their relationship. I think you'll work out the right balance between support and giving the distance for them to work out their own adult relationships. Good luck!

countingto10 · 10/07/2012 15:45

The trouble is in these situations is that you only get one side of th story. My mil was more than happy to agree with my DH that he was saying all the things he said I was and was discussing him separating from me but she didn't know he was having a full blown affair and was planning on moving in the ow. She changed her tune somewhat when she found out the truth and golden boy lost his halo somewhat!

I told her a few home truths about what exactly was going on in the marriage and most of his issues were down to his childhood which she had a major part in Hmm.

are there children involved op?

Original poster
ummamumma · 10/07/2012 16:40

No children as yet.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 10/07/2012 17:08

Three words, Umma:

Go. To. Counselling.

That's it. Repeat as necessary. Counselling is where you learn new skills of communication and empathy.

DO NOT listen to him slagging off his wife. There is a saying in the bible, 'leave your mother and cleave to your wife'.
DO NOT get into any sort of triangle with them, or give his wife who is his first loyalty, any reason to suspect you are ganging up with your little darling against her.

Just. those. 3. words.

Original poster
ummamumma · 11/07/2012 13:07

I think those are wise words, Abitwobblynow, if he starts seriously telling me about his marriage problems, I'm going to explain that he is putting me in awkward position and while I'm happy to listen, I won't give advice to him.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 11/07/2012 13:16

The sad thing Umma is that people leave counselling when all sorts of hurts have put walls and mistrust up, and it is too late!

So much better to go now, when you can remember WHY you married them, and there is love and hope in the room.

Please urge them to go to counselling now. Urge them both and together. These are skills, that are learned like any other.

vintagewarrior · 11/07/2012 19:56

CogitoErgoSometimes speaks a lot of sense imho.

I wish my mum had been like that when i had marraige problems 10 years ago.
She said the same as you, she didn't want to know, which made me feel like not only was my marraige falling apart after only 2 years, my mum couldnt give a shit.

Support doesn't have to be taking sides or advice.