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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am shaking with rage.

44 replies

curlywhirl · 09/07/2012 22:28

I just threw my mum out.
She turned up un announced at 8 ish saying she wanted to discuss the marriage problems dh and I have,She has been threatening to do this for a while.
We made small talk for a bit then she jumps in and asks dh about our issues,He began a long list of problems he has with me . Bad organization,dont put lids on toothpaste general house keeping rants.He then said he has photographic evidence of mess.
What the fuck?

I feel so unappreciated and useless.I cant belive he could make such a big deal about...nothing? I run this ship as best i can
, socks are not always matched, toys strewn around, but home is not dirty.

I dont know what to say really.I just got furious. Instead of seeing my husband as the pedantic ball breaker that he can be , she started saying that I should do more to diffuse the situation,DH has been violent . She knows this and is openly, coming into my home and siding with dh?

It ended with me screaming at her to get out and him giving her a lift home.I am lost for words and feel so sad.

OP posts:
arthriticfingers · 09/07/2012 22:31

You mean that you got both of them out of the house and did not either leave or change the locks Confused
'Photographic evidence'? WTF?!!

izzyizin · 09/07/2012 22:32

Wait till you estimate he'll have got to her home and tell him he can stay there.

Jeez, what pieces of work they are. You drew a short straw in the dm and the dh stakes.

Unmatched socks???!!! The shame of it - what will the neighbours think Grin

Nobhead · 09/07/2012 22:32

Please forgive my bluntness but why the fuck is your Mum coming round to discuss your marriage problems with you and DH? Hmm

amillionyears · 09/07/2012 22:33

poor you Sad
Has DH been violent to you? And do you have children.Has he been violent to them?
And just to be sure,you are talking about your own mother,not his.

Claire2009 · 09/07/2012 22:33

Quick, change the locks!

QuintessentialShadows · 09/07/2012 22:33

Why is your mum siding with your violent husband against you?

Do you have children?

Can you leave?

winnybella · 09/07/2012 22:34

Hmm. Your mother (however infuriating) seems to be less of an issue here, tbh.

Why are you with a violent, anal-retentive and controlling man?

foolonthehill · 09/07/2012 22:35

quick change the husband and adopt a different mother

LineRunner · 09/07/2012 22:35

I'm so sorry. It sounds like your husband has been talking to your mother behind your back, tbh.

Pretty vile, of both of them.

foolonthehill · 09/07/2012 22:36

Joking apart.....^Why are you with a violent, anal-retentive and controlling man?^

do you need help and are you safe?

FunnysInLaJardin · 09/07/2012 22:36

nasty people OP. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Lock him out?

solidgoldbrass · 09/07/2012 22:38

It sounds like your mother thinks women are inferior to men and that violence is normal and acceptable when the woman 'doesn;t know her place'. Was your father abusive to her?
Either way, get rid of your husband. You don't need to 'work at' this relationship, you just need him gone.

Smellslikecatspee · 09/07/2012 22:38

Seriously, what thefuck.

You are saying that your husband has been violent towards you, and your mother thinks its her places to come and tell you how to not make him violent by putting lids on toothpaste? That your 'husband' thinks its acceptable to photo evidence of this mess. . .

Oh sweetheart, it wasnt just your mum you need to kick out.

I am fuming on your behalf.

He is wrong, if he has time to photo it, he has time to sort it out the way he wants it, you are not his maid. Even before you mentioned violence I was thinking arse.

You need rid of him really.

I am very sorry you're in this position.

Babylon1 · 09/07/2012 22:39

Ouch Sad

The last person I'd want involved with any marital issues is my mother or MIL - good god no!

Change the locks before "D"H gets back Wink

pumpkinsweetie · 09/07/2012 22:40

Omg, your mother came round to discuss your marriage problems and insult your home even though you are living with a voilent man?!!
Most decent mothers would care more for you being in a voilent situation not go on about bloody putting lids back on toothpaste.
Lock them both out, what vile people

Smellslikecatspee · 09/07/2012 22:42

It also sounds as though your mother thinks this is normal behaviour? Was your father violent?

The way you said that he had been violent at the end of your post sounds as though you nearly expect it, see it as inevitable ?

There are lots of fab women on here and men you can give you very useful advice. Please be safe.

pumpkinsweetie · 09/07/2012 22:42

& wtf is with the photo evidence of the mess!!-they both sound deranged.

Pumpster · 09/07/2012 22:44

Bloody hell!

pumpkinsweetie · 09/07/2012 22:46

I hope you have some RL support right now?
Get in touch with womens aid and other domestic voilence charities-they can help you install locks & chains.
Please do not let him back in, keep safe op

Valpollicella · 09/07/2012 22:48

Jesus wept. So they ganged up on you?

modifiedmum · 09/07/2012 22:48

WHAT THE FUCK! PHOTO EVIDENCE OF TOOTH PASTE WITHOUT LIDS! Jesus has someone on this thread called the police yet? crime of the century?! OK it's shocking your mother thinks she can butt in but its even more shocking she has nothing to say about the violence! :S You aren't his skivvy and that is so bloody pedantic, we all have our quirks, mine seems to be not putting lids on things and my partners seems to be leaving his dirty clothes on the floor after a bath but we have banter about it nothing else, we dont take photos of each others shit and make out its an issue in our rellie that is crazy!!

I'm sorry as i have been through violence in relationships before and thankfully the person got help as it was more linked to mental health issues but then i've also seen people that just cannot be helped and use it as some sort of coping mechanism for their own shitty life... you need to get out or get some help with your husband, its just not acceptable. cannot understand why your mum is more concerned with your failing marriage rather than the violence? do u think they talk behind your back? X

Bossybritches22 · 09/07/2012 22:49

Hope you're OK curly ?

Original poster
curlywhirl · 09/07/2012 22:52

We have had spats that have become out of hand. I am just really sad.I feel like she over stepped some lines,and does not see the damage she has done.I really struggle with dh,Now she has gone him her blessing

OP posts:
ThereGoesTheYear · 09/07/2012 22:54

What the actual fuck?!

The issue here is that your husband is abusive. The fact that your own mother is more worried about toothpaste lids is a pointer to how supportive she's being towards you, and the messages you've had all your life about what sort of shit women have to take from their husbands.

What do you need to do to get rid of the pair of them?

How are things likely to be when he gets home? Will you be ok?

Lucyellensmum12345 · 09/07/2012 22:55

this is just so wrong!!! yes your mother was wrong but you need to get rid of this man, fuck what damage she has done - he is violent, controlling and abusing and takes pictures of your slovenliness - just read your OP back to yourself as if you were advising - yep, you'd advise to leave the bastard wouldnt you!