I am shaking with rage.

[curlywhirl]

I just threw my mum out.
She turned up un announced at 8 ish saying she wanted to discuss the marriage problems dh and I have,She has been threatening to do this for a while.
We made small talk for a bit then she jumps in and asks dh about our issues,He began a long list of problems he has with me . Bad organization,dont put lids on toothpaste general house keeping rants.He then said he has photographic evidence of mess.
What the fuck?

I feel so unappreciated and useless.I cant belive he could make such a big deal about...nothing? I run this ship as best i can
, socks are not always matched, toys strewn around, but home is not dirty.

I dont know what to say really.I just got furious. Instead of seeing my husband as the pedantic ball breaker that he can be , she started saying that I should do more to diffuse the situation,DH has been violent . She knows this and is openly, coming into my home and siding with dh?

It ended with me screaming at her to get out and him giving her a lift home.I am lost for words and feel so sad.

You do not have to put up with this from him.
Your mother can keep. He's your most pressing problem. Sounds like you're worried about things escalating now that he's got her blessing.
Have you called Women's Aid to talk things over?

He has been violent.I wouldnt say he is violent.Hw was talking about it openly to my mum.
I can be agresive with him too and there have been nasty fights.My mum was saying...i have also had to deal with her, she is really messy.

Im so sorry you are having to deal with this, your mother sounds fucking horrible :( But that isn't your priority now, your priority is you and your children. He is going to be fueled by her, he will feel justified in his controlling ways and if you step out of line will probably feel it is ok to give you a little slap just to make you behave. Fuck that, you are worth more than that - the pair of them will take what self esteem yo have left and trample all over it. You dont want your children to grow up and think this is ok

You are being manipulated into believing he has changed.
He is STILL violent, not WAS, he is emotionally abusing you by shouting about how you don't do things the way HE wants them done!
What sort of man goes around taking pictures of toothpaste tubes & socks?
Please get out of this op it won't end well!
My mother is lucky to be alive after being with a WAS violent man, they NEVER change

I just spoke to mu mum.I called her to tell he how angry I am.I was shouting a lot.I insulted her and .She was crying and said she was not siding with him but she just wants our marriage to work and that he will be sick of me soon and will not want to spend the rest f his life with me, that I will not like to be alone...( my dad left when I was young.So she did it alone) I do have a bad temper, but I am provoked by his pedantic ocd.

He is sleeping on the sofa at my request

"he will be sick of me soon and not want to spend the rest of his life with me" well, thank heavens for small mercies then! or you could just chuck the fucker out now! Christ on a bike! Seriously, he is dangerous and your mum clearly has issues of her own.

So you are violent too op?

Thanks for all your comments.
I am going to sleep.

Imo he shouldn't be anywhere near your house let alone in it!
Your mum is wrong, she is blaming you entirely for your marriage problems and she asumes you will end up alone forever....nice(not
There will be someone out there somewhere, someday that will love and cherish you, not bully, nor manipulate & not control you.
This isn't a nice envriroment for your dcs or you and your mums words are clouding your judgement.
She may have been used to voilence it doesn't mean you should normalise it, it isn't normal

Your mother isn't the only one. I have a friend who was married to a serial cheater, a Walter Mitty character who forged her name on a loan application, bought a motor bike and kept it secretly at work. Her mother told her that she should be working harder at her marriage and other wives cleaned round the taps in the bathroom with a toothbrush!

I think with some mothers the fear of the marriage breaking up and their daughter being left on their own overrides any sane reaction.

My friend eventually kicked him out when his latest OW appeared on her doorstep. She eventually remarried and had a very happy second marriage with a lovely man who really appreciated her.

Her mother reluctantly accepted the situation, but, by then, my friend really didn't care what she thought.

Good luck!

If your DH is abusive and manipulative this often goes hand in hand with being very persuasive. You have somehow been persuaded not to kick him out up to now. She has been persuaded that he is in the right. I'd be very unsurprised if he hadn't asked her to 'talk you round'.

It's incredibly disloyal of your mother but also very devious of your DH. Time to put yourself #1 priority I'd say.

Your husband is treating you with utter contempt. Photographic evidence wtf?!!

Honestly i couldn't open my legs for a 'man' like that.

You can do alot better OP.

You need to bin your Mother AND your H.

I state categorically that he is abusive, and also that your mother/upbringing is the reason why you were targeted for this abusive relationship.

She wants you to stay in it, to stay oppressed and unhappy. Why? Who fucking cares, it's her warped mind. I'm aghast at her words, I'm horrified at his photographic evidence. That would be enough to slam the door on both of them. Forever.

Seriously, the sooner you get shot of these people the better you feel. I realise this is radical surgery in your life, but there is no other course of treatment that will enable you to recover from this.

We have a support thread for those in Abusive Relationships and we have the Stately Homes thread. When you are ready to come on over and chat, please do. it will transform your life.

You need woman's aid in RL, you need every resource you can call on. We will be here for you for the entire journey.

I won't rest until you are out of that situation. You can PM me if you wish.

TheHappyHissy is completely right-Bin him

I hope you are OK hun. x

You are in an abusive relationship, and you were most likely trained to accept shoddy treatment as your due because of poor parenting by your mother.

Both your H and your mother are a drain on your life: neither respects you as a sovereign human being in her own right.

I recommend you read the links at the start of the Emotional Abuse support thread, and the links at the start of the Stately Homes thread. Knowledge is power, and it will be easier for you to decide what to do once you understand what kind of people you are confronted with here.

Curly, there are two issues here. One, is your pain which you convert into rage and acting out, through to violence {as Wobbles has a PhD in this, no judgement from me here}. This is an issue about YOU that comes from a very sore place in the past, which is easily provoked by the second issue, which is DH.

But please believe me when I tell you you need to confront your temper, and the painful place that you use rage to cover up. This is about YOU, not the marriage or H that provokes it. It has taken 3 years of intensive IC for me (and being told that this rage is emotional abuse, which it is no matter WHAT he is doing/not doing, own your own stuff!) to sit with a provocation and feel the feelings of hurt and not being heard, instead of erupting.

The second is your DH's primitive level of functioning, in which he sounds as though he thinks, like mine, that going to work and providing, then coming home to a neat house with dinner cooking and a happy smiling wife and happy smiling children makes him happy, so it must make you happy !!!!

I urge you not to get into a power struggle as urged by MN, but to honestly say to him the truth, which is you are SAD and want to go to counselling to learn a better way of being. That you would like him to come to, but if he doesn't you will still go on your own.

Please do this. It will in the very least not allow him the denial of saying there is nothing wrong. I lived the life you describe for 15 years, in which he told me he was sick of the house being filthy, and then he had a long affair. It was this that finally devastated me out of denial.
You might find like me that you married a very self absorbed person who will NEVER 'see' you; but at least in this discovery you will be supported and urged to do stuff like further training/career progression, so you are in a position to move on.

Or, you could find that like you he too has areas of hurt and wants to discover along with you a better way of being.

Good luck. But don't waste 15 years of your life like I did. It is so much better to do this now, when there is still love and hope. And if your Mum really wants to help, she will have the kids whilst you go.

Abitwobblynow. I cant thank you enough for your post.I have read and re read it. I do get so so angry about not being" seen" by him.I feel/ know/ he admits that he shuns me and avoids eye contact for extended periods as a weapon.
I am not perfect at all and the spats between us are horrible.My kids deserve better.

I have not spoken to my mum all day.He is going out tonight.

Curly, it is the hardest and loneliest thing ever, to learn to sit with the pain of it, admit that is what it is (name it) - and stay with it rather than reacting. it hurts so badly, it is the loneliest place on earth and you are reduced to that screaming baby that was never heard. (mine is about toddler sized). You will find out why you go nuts - because it is easier than that awful void you must revisit.

But if you can, and then learn to soothe that baby yourself, reach down and let her know she isn't alone, that your adult self knows her and cares about her, you will stay calm. You can say repetetive mantras to yourself ('I am a good person') etc to help you stay in touch w yourself.

Google 'inner child' and 'self soothing'.

IC also talked about how I carried his emotions, and he carried my silence. Now that I am calm (silent), H HATES it. From calling me irrational, emotional, hysterical and mad [things he can't call me any more] he has now descended into a MASSIVE sulk which he probably will never come out of. But being a half way decent human being is now more important to me than attempting futilely to connect with him.
I didn't teach him how to use the withdrawal and punishing you describe. I didn't cause it, it isn't just and it is not my fault.

I really hope you find a good ic and work on this stuff, and I really hope that he meets you half way. But you are right: your children don't deserve this, and I am sure that you will care enough to do something about this - for them.

All the best Curly, and I really do know what it is like so like I say, no judgement from me - but don't go on like this.