I'm still not over my ex, and I don't know what to do anymore :( [ended up a little long, sorry...]

[lostgirl88]

I'll try to keep the outline of this as brief as possible. As the thread title says, I'm still not over my ex even though I've been with DP for 5 years now and we're due to get married next year. I do love DP as well, but it doesn't feel the same, IFYKWIM? :(

Ex (let's call him L) and I got together when we were 15, and technically broke up 6 months later. We then had an on/off relationship (mainly 'on', but 'unofficial') for the next 3 years. I had other relationships, but always went back to him, and he did the same with me. Neither of us really wanted 'commitment', but we loved each other so much we couldn't stay apart. It literally felt like gravity, like we were constantly gravitating towards each other. It just felt so right.

I got together with DP when I had just turned 19 (we had known each other for several years as friends prior). We had been together for a month when he went out of the country on a pre-arranged trip. During that time I met up with L, and he said that he loved me, that it had 'always been [me]', and said that he was tired of us being on/off, that he made a mistake letting us break up when we were younger and that he wanted us to be together 'for real'. He was begging me, and he cried, which I had never seen him do, and I turned him down (which speaks volumes for how I felt about DP, as I never would have done that for anyone else).

Through the past 5 years I have had contact with L on several occassions, just talking on the phone or emailing, never for long and DP doesn't know (he found an email once and went ballistic, completely jealous, understandably...). These calls and emails are always platonic, he says he wants to 'see how I am', and it's like he's checking up on me to make sure that I'm happy.

This is the weird bit. I AM happy. I love DP. When I look at him, I can see us together forever and having children and everything that I want. Yet I cannot get L out of my mind. He's always there. I still love him just as much as I did when we were young, and I miss him, I miss him so much that I am close to tears every time I think about it. It's like a physical aching inside.

I am worried that I made a mistake, that I should have chosen L. It's not 'grass is greener' syndrome because I AM happy with DP, and I know that for L and I to be together now it would cause no end of hurt to people. L has moved to the other end of the country, but if he moves back (which he may do soon) and I see him I don't know how I'll cope. If he asked me to choose him again I don't know what I would do. I might well say yes. And I have no idea what I actually want and I don't want to hurt DP and all of this is just messing with my head and breaking my heart every day.

Ack. I don't know what to do, what to think or how to even begin getting on with my life. I love DP, he is right for me, we work together, we're best friends. But my love for L is still ferocious. The urge to call him again is getting stronger and stronger by the day but I can't because I know it'll make me want to see him.

So much for keeping it brief... I just don't know what to do. I don't know what advice I'm looking for. I really don't. Well done for making it to the end if you managed it...

I just want someone to tell me what to do :( I'm just a horrible person, aren't I?

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone,and reading your post,it is certainly not to long, so dont worry about that. You aren't a horrible person,you havn't asked to feel like this,and you sound tortured by your feelings for L. Someone will be along soon with some good advice,better than i can give,just wanted to show my support until they do.x

Thank you outmymind x

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do: you are the master of your own life.

But here's my 2c anyway: cut all contact with L.

The years of on-off, the mainly on but "unofficial", the tearful confession of love when he sees you happy and comfortable with someone else, the continued messages that sound like keeping you on the back-burner... None of it sounds like a healthy, respectful situation, which is the standard any relationship should live up to.

And really, even if you did dump your DP and get back together with L, why do you think it would be different this time? Having allowed "on/off" unofficialdom for so long, you're going to have a tough job grappling him into a situation where the relationship is one of stability and mutual faithfulness and respect. Those boundaries were lost in your relationship with L ages ago.

First loves are very powerful because our teenage emotions are not fully-formed, we have zero responsibilities and everything has the intensity of being brand new and raw. It's exhiliarating. Few of us end up settling down with first loves because I think we know it's not 'real' exactly. It's very easy to think back fondly to a childhood sweetheart when a later relationship gets samey. It's usually nothing more than an exercise in nostalgia. However, there's also the possibility that you really should be with this person.

My story is that my first love and I broke up and a few years later I married someone else. The marriage turned out to be a disaster. Years after the marriage finished I met my first love again... now married with kids.... and discovered that he'd tried to find me just as I was getting married but was too late so backed off. I'd like to think that, if I'd known, I would have ditched exH. Then again, meeting him all those years later, I don't think we'd have made a great couple.

Good luck

i sympathise op, you are in a confused place.

Hard to see the wood for the trees, and the trees for the wood here.

I was once very happy with a dp, yrs back but always had a very strong bond with my ex, which i thought i would never lose or be able to forget.

This is in my early 20's. In the end I ended up with neither of them, and went on to marry someone else in end of my 20's.

Maybe neither are the one for you yet?

There's so many different ways of looking at it that I don't know what to think :( ack, this sucks.

just typed a reply, lost it then looked at hot DAMN....and agree.

This man could have been with you, could have stayed with you, could have had an official relationship with you but didn't. You both made a choice not to go that way. I think you are njust a big ego massage for him having a "girl back at home" whom he thinks he can pull back towards him whenever he wants is a bit sick making actually

You have a good thing. Don't break it.

Cut all contact with L he is bad for you and won't get better! And imagine the hurt of your DP....secrets are never a great idea, especially not this sort.

hotDAMN and foolonthehill ... I get what you're saying, but I've never felt that way about it. There have been plenty of times when I've not seen him/rejected his advances etc so it's not like he thinks he can 'have me whenever he wants', IYSWIM?

The only way it feels is like we're meant to be together but he's pulled back because of DP. Which I told him to do. I believe that he still loves me and wants me to be happy, which is exactly why he hasn't made a move in the past few years, because I chose DP over him? So honestly he's never been creepy about it at all, just lovely :(

Though I totally get what you mean, it just doesn't add up to his attitude.

And I don't mean to have a secret, but how on earth could I tell him this?? I just couldn't :(

perhaps get rid of the secret...what is positive about keeping on with the occasional "hello babe" conversation? It just brings turmoil to your life (maybe his too) if you are happier when you don't hear from him then that speaks volumes. For me, if you are happy with DP and your life then he is not adding to it. He is not a catalyst for good but actually is bad for you, your stability and peace of mind.

sometimes it is just better to let someone go. For everyone.

I think most people have someone from their past who we are still kind of addicted to. The fact that you always wanted him but never completely had him is probably what keeps you coming back to him and thinking "what if". The truth is he could have been with you all those years ago but he chose not to be and you chose your dp over him and that really does speak volumes about your depth of feeling for your dp. I dont really have any words of wisdom but i do think that people often look back on the past with rose tinted glasses. The good times that we spent with an ex get exagerated and become incredible and the bad times are often forgotten. Then you look at your now dp and routine and rows over washing up etc make you crave the addictive ex even more.

The ex who has been built up into some wonderful person is always going to seem like the more attractive option but from your post i think its very obvious how much you love your dp and 5 years together counts for a lot more than an on/off relationship imo. It is a really shit position to be in though but i think you need to live in the here and now and stop wondering what could have been with a guy who didnt want you until someone else had you.

Ah, the 'what if' man, OP. Many of us have them.

As you say in your OP that you're not sure what advice you are looking for, I will just give my opinion!

I have found that there is nothing like a good dose of reality to dispell the allure of the fantasy man. Once you have lived with them for a bit, you will find that they all have annoying habits and sometimes the odd gross one.

You love DP and you say he is right for you. I should hazard a guess that the 'ferocious love' you have for L is more likely to be 'unfinished business' if you know what I mean. I say this not to trivialise your feelings, OP, just to add another dimension to a situation that may a present seem to you to be hopeless.

Imagine you bump into L in two years time. He is with his wife, you are single. They are ridiculously happy together, he looks at her with love and care when he introduces you to her. She is pregnant with their first child and he is protective and proud of her. He is clearly pleased to see you, but you can tell that he does not have any feelings of lingering love for you any more.

You say your hellos and catch up a bit, then you walk off in different directions to the rest of your lives apart.

How do you feel?

Now imagine it is your DP you bump into.

Which feels worst?

Sorry, but I think L sounds horrible . . . superficially charming, yet manipulative underneath. He's not phoning to "make sure you're happy", but if you're available for a quick shag.

Perhaps you are feeling nervous about entering the next stage of your life (marriage, mortgage, babies), and looking back wistfully to the carefee young girl you used to be?

botoxschmotox you are clever with your scenarios and speaketh the truth. Worryingly the first one feel worse, but I think that's because I find it much harder to imagine DP in that scenario.

'Unfinished business' is a phrase that hits close to home. I just don't know. I do know I've never had closure, but if I cut him off I can't have any closure! Maybe part of the urge to speak to him or see him is desperately seeking closure??

I sometimes think if I could just see hm and talk to him about how things used to be and how much we love[d] each other then I might finally be able to move on, but there's no way for that to happen so I'm stuck in limbo!

LadyMud you may also have a point.

I have thought in the past sometimes that it has something to do with being scared of the future. I have spent a huge portion of my life swamped with drama and nothing ever being simple and so much hurt, that I'm not sure I know how to just let go and be happy :(

But then if I need closure surely meeting up with him would be a good thing? But then would need to make sure it went the way I planned? But DP would never understand.

I hate being so confused, sorry for rambling...

I think meeting up with him would maybe have the opposit effect. I had a very dysfunctional relationship in my early 20's. Very briefly he was my best friend and our feelings grew and we ended up having a relationship of sorts but it was very bad for both of us and in the end he completely cut me off. Wouldn't see me, wouldn't answer his phone or reply to txts etc. It was horrendous at first but after a couple of months i realised that it was the best thing he could ever have done for me cause it allowed me to move on.

Unfortunately its one of those situations where there is no right answer. You need to think very carefully about what you need to do. Seeing him might make you realise how much better off you are now, but if he says all the things you want to hear you might end up more confused.

If you've become addicted to drama you'll always be looking for the next fix and a solid, stable, life with your current dp is unlikely to satisfy you.

If you tell your dp that you've been in contact with your ex no doubt he'll go ballistic again. Is that what you want? Some affirmative action from him, some passion, to convince you that he's more than your 'best friend'? Another bit of melodrama to feed your habit?

You had a teenage romance with L. You outgrew it - and him. You don't need 'closure'. All you need to do is shut the box marked 'past' and move into the future without a backward glance.

izzyizin if you could convince the illogical part of my brain of that, I'd really appreciate it

I know you're right, but I've been trying to ignore how I feel and move on with my life for 5 years without getting anywhere. The last time I spoke to L properly was over a year ago. So why can't I stop thinking about him? That's when the bonkers part of me kicks in. How the hell do you stop these thoughts when you wish they weren't there in the first place??

Botoxs idea as really cleaver. Here is another to think about.

You break it off with dp and end up with L

The consequence is you will no longer have dp in you life anymore. If he goes ballistic at an innocent conversation he will not want you in his life any more.

How does that idea sit with you?

I ask because my bro feel in love with his wife when she was with some else. She didnt know. He told her he couldn't be around her any more. For her, the idea of never seeing him again really made her rethink.

Well, if you haven't spoken to him for over a year anything could have happened, he might be dead! and all your fantasies a waste of time. If you believe he is lovesick and still waiting for you you are probably in for a disappointment.

You sound well matched you and L, both immature and unable to truly commit. If you 'accidently' let him know you are still interested he might be daft enough to get back in touch. But really you should have made a clean break when you had the chance.

How do you know he is moving back to your part of the country? If you are constantly keeping tabs on him you are not allowing yourself to get over him.

Bluntly: L is Drama, DP is settling down. And you think you want the drama but I think you'll regret it.

This isn't a film script it's life. You aren't together because you and L don't actually make a good couple. He's a fantasy!

Wow, thanks Greatauntirene and SundaeGirl so sympathetic and a really bloody helpful responses. I was asking for help to try and move past this, if I hadn't realised that this can't continue do you really think I would have posted here?? Calling me immature doesn't really help matters, does it? It just makes me feel even worse about this situation I don't want to be in. Thanks.

Looks like no one has any practical steps to get past this then. If it was as simple as just stopping thinking about him I would have done it by now, how can you stop thoughts that come unbidden into your head? It's literally like someone is shoving these thoughts into my head, I'm not dwelling on them on purpose, and every time I manage to go a while without thinking about him I'll have a dream about him or something and it sets the whole thing off again!

Ack, sorry, I'm just really fed up and my ADs aren't working and I'm generally not in a good place right now. I'm probably overreacting to your comments.