I'm still not over my ex, and I don't know what to do anymore :( [ended up a little long, sorry...]

[lostgirl88]

I'll try to keep the outline of this as brief as possible. As the thread title says, I'm still not over my ex even though I've been with DP for 5 years now and we're due to get married next year. I do love DP as well, but it doesn't feel the same, IFYKWIM? :(

Ex (let's call him L) and I got together when we were 15, and technically broke up 6 months later. We then had an on/off relationship (mainly 'on', but 'unofficial') for the next 3 years. I had other relationships, but always went back to him, and he did the same with me. Neither of us really wanted 'commitment', but we loved each other so much we couldn't stay apart. It literally felt like gravity, like we were constantly gravitating towards each other. It just felt so right.

I got together with DP when I had just turned 19 (we had known each other for several years as friends prior). We had been together for a month when he went out of the country on a pre-arranged trip. During that time I met up with L, and he said that he loved me, that it had 'always been [me]', and said that he was tired of us being on/off, that he made a mistake letting us break up when we were younger and that he wanted us to be together 'for real'. He was begging me, and he cried, which I had never seen him do, and I turned him down (which speaks volumes for how I felt about DP, as I never would have done that for anyone else).

Through the past 5 years I have had contact with L on several occassions, just talking on the phone or emailing, never for long and DP doesn't know (he found an email once and went ballistic, completely jealous, understandably...). These calls and emails are always platonic, he says he wants to 'see how I am', and it's like he's checking up on me to make sure that I'm happy.

This is the weird bit. I AM happy. I love DP. When I look at him, I can see us together forever and having children and everything that I want. Yet I cannot get L out of my mind. He's always there. I still love him just as much as I did when we were young, and I miss him, I miss him so much that I am close to tears every time I think about it. It's like a physical aching inside.

I am worried that I made a mistake, that I should have chosen L. It's not 'grass is greener' syndrome because I AM happy with DP, and I know that for L and I to be together now it would cause no end of hurt to people. L has moved to the other end of the country, but if he moves back (which he may do soon) and I see him I don't know how I'll cope. If he asked me to choose him again I don't know what I would do. I might well say yes. And I have no idea what I actually want and I don't want to hurt DP and all of this is just messing with my head and breaking my heart every day.

Ack. I don't know what to do, what to think or how to even begin getting on with my life. I love DP, he is right for me, we work together, we're best friends. But my love for L is still ferocious. The urge to call him again is getting stronger and stronger by the day but I can't because I know it'll make me want to see him.

So much for keeping it brief... I just don't know what to do. I don't know what advice I'm looking for. I really don't. Well done for making it to the end if you managed it...

I just want someone to tell me what to do :( I'm just a horrible person, aren't I?

You stop those thoughts by nipping them in the bud. As as they pop into your mind, you replace them with something completely different. Eventually those thoughts stop appearing because you're not giving them oxygen headroom.

As for the addiction to drama; think on how sad and dysfunctional your life will be if you're on a constant quest for the next fix. You'll be one of those people who are always wanting a cheap thrill, always wanting a bit of action to relieve the monotony of their less than enriching lives.

The trouble is that thrills don't always come cheap and they can come at a high cost to ourselves as well as at the expense of others.

We've all got a Mr WhatIf? or 10 in our memory banks. A bit of idle speculation when we're in the mood for a stroll down memory lane is harmless, but fixating on what might have been is harmful if it causes us to not appreciate what we've got.

We create our own lives; we're works in progess. You're still very young. Maybe you should think about travelling the world for a couple of years before you give any thought to settling down with Mr WhatIf or Mr Best Friend?

You might meet a load of Mr IfOnlys on your travels but at least you'll gain the experience to recognise Mr AbsolutelyRight when you see him, and when you do you won't fret about past dalliances.
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izzy DP and I have plans to travel together, that being one of our shared ambitions was a big part of us falling for each other. We don't want children until we're older though.

I'm now second guessing myself because these periods of getting stuck back in the past do seem to coincide with depressive periods, but then how could that be linked to my blimmin seratonin levels?!

I'm going to have to go for hardcore distraction techniques and hope that you're right and the thoughts go away :(

Sorry for being so all over the place, I must sound like a right nutbag (which I am, I suppose).

It's like being on a loop, isn't it? Let's do the timewarp again

But you don't have to dance just because the music's playing.

Ah, the 'whatif' man. I had one. Similar scenario but more off than on, no sustained relationship.

Two things helped me move on: two male friends sat me down and told me in brutal blokey terms what the 'whatif' man scenario truly was from the male point of view. Not pretty. More or less what people have said here. You are available, undemanding, unthreatening, likely shag and a lovely quick ego boost. But not someone he'd really treasure, or commit to.

I thought I knew better, but 'whatif' man confirmed the truth of what they said when we hooked up soon after. He turned to me and said "Do you think we'll still be doing this in years to come when we're married with children?"

(i.e. I wouldn't dream of actually marrying you, but can I still shag you when I'm married to someone else?")

He was quite taken aback when I said no. He still turned up the week before his wedding hoping I'd change my mind. I didn't.

Your DP may not be the one for you, but he's already given you more than 'whatif' man is ever going to. Stop contact with 'Whatif', and see how you go from there, is my advice.

LunaticFringe that really resonates with me, thank you for that

Eldritch I thought that was how it was for a while but sometimes I'm not sure.

I think I may ask for an appointment with a psychiatrist when I see my GP on Friday, in the hope that actually this ties in with my cyclothymia and maybe being able to let it all out to someone will help?