I’ve changed my name here but am a regular. firstly I agree with fireflyfairy that all is not as it seems on the internet. It’s easy to get talking to someone and develop feelings for them based on what they tell you, what they say to you and how they make you feel, and it can happen without even realizing it. If you meet someone in rl then you know instantly if an attraction is starting to develop, because there is eye contact, that certain chemistry when you’re in each other’s company, the feeling when you hear that person’s voice, and you can instantly withdraw from the situation if you don’t feel it appropriate to pursue a relationship. But on the internet it’s just words on a screen, you can sit and actually take the time to write out exactly what you think that person potentially wants to hear, but reality is, you could be talking to 10 different people in the same place, and if they all said the same things, you would be none the wiser and would still have the awesome feelings for the person on the other end of the modem, the nickname that he/she is known by.
I’ve been chatting online for about 4 years now, and I’ve met a lot of people, a lot of creeps too it has to be said, not all male, but I did spend a lot of time chatting online because I’m not very good at making friends in rl, and on the internet I felt as if I was accepted. People would talk to me about things that were personal to them,they trusted me, and I felt as if I fitted in somewhere for the first time in a long time. My DH is lovely and I love him more than I can express in words, we’ve had our problems though as all couples do but I would never have considered leaving him. Then about a year ago I got chatting to a guy who seemed very normal, from the particular site I’d been chatting on he seemed like one of the few normal ones amongst the weirdos that frequented that particular site which is why we started chatting I think. And the more we chatted, the more we found that we had things in common, we were both fairly intelligent, he shared some of my interests etc and a mutual attraction developed. I’m a SAHM with one child and I think that chatting online did while away some of the time at home, and I guess that I was flattered by his attention. I’ve only really ever had one serious relationship so I guess that the thought that someone else was attracted to me in that way was flattering to me, even though I could never envisage being with him in RL. We chatted a lot during the week as he would log on from work, and I guess I was kinda sucked in by it all. Every weekend when I didn’t talk to him I would think to myself how stupid it was, how I was being so bloody stupid and how I was potentially risking everything, and evry weekend I made it my pledge that I would finish it on the Monday. And then on the Monday he would come online and talk sweetly to me and I’d be sucked in again. Reality is, any relationship had no future, he lived in the states so although we’d talked about meeting up I knew that there was no chance of that ever happening, and maybe that’s why it continued, because it was safe, I knew nothing physical or real would ever come of it. Reality is, I would never, ever have an affair in RL, that’s not the kind of person I am, and yet it was so so easy to get sucked into this. And then I discovered that this person was actually saying the same things to several other people at the same time, thus proving my theory that you can be anyone online. I confronted him but basically after that I’d seen him for the tw*t he is, I have since found out that as well as telling me, and at least one other person I know of that he was single, and terribly attracted to us, he also had a live-in girlfriend who moved out not long after, and the other girl actually got as far as booking her tickets to go to US before he told her he couldn’t go through with it, but he still told her he wanted a future with her and it was still a few more months before she saw the light and ditched him. My DH knows everything, I hadn’t planned to tell him but he found an email on my computer and now he knows. I cannot believe how stupid I was and how much I put on the line, and how much I hurt my DH in the process – I would do anything to have turned back the clock and put it right. We’re ok now though and are strong and have come through it, my DH admits though that if it had been a RL affair it would have been a lot harder for him to get over it. Suffice to say I no longer chat online apart from on MN.
Obviously I don’t know your situation but you should talk to your wife. Ask her exactly how far this relationship has progressed,and what she has told him about herself. For all we know she may not even have told him she has 5 kids – I don’t know many men on the net who would be happy at the prospect of taking on someone else’s 5 kids. Or maybe he does know but like me he’s happy to go along with it because he doesn’t have to follow the relationship through.
You can get through this, you have to convince your wife that talking online is just words on a screen, and that unless she’s met him and knows for a fact that they love each other and want to be together, the chances of a relationship with him having a future are minimal, whereas she is in a relationship with you and you love her and want to be with her, and want to sort out what you can do to make things right between you again.
Good luck