Have NC.
Been married for 13 years, together for 17.
Have 2 lovely dc who are wonderful but like all kids, are hard work.
I have been a sahm now for 8 years - by choice - and which worked out very well when ds1 was born as he was a very sick baby.
Ds1 does have some sen but he is making great progress and is doing well. Ds2 is at pre school - he starts school next sept.
I am not sure I love my dh anymore...well...not sure if I feel the same at least.
I feel so lonely...it's not right to be lonely if you are married is it? Or is it? I have no one to turn to. No one. My family are all busy with their own lives (understandably) and we aren't that close tbh.
My pils are nice people but he is their son and - rightly - they would always support him no matter what.
He isn't cruel or violent. I am not abused. He works hard. He loves the kids and me (I think) but I find him such hard work...I used to joke it was like having 3 kids...except it's not a joke anymore :(
I do all ds1s extra work/therapies. I sort out all school stuff and meetings. I do my volunteer work which I enjoy but I would like to do paid work again.
He is useless when the kids are ill or unwell. Ds2 was really ill last week and I had to call an ambulance. Well, I asked dh to do it, but he said he "couldn't" as he was "too upset" so I had to struggle and calm ds2 whilst talking to the operator. He went into another room.
He let me down badly wrt ds1 when he was a baby too...leaving me alone at the hospital with a very sick 6 week old while he went to work. I think part of me will never forgive him for that. I learnt later he hadn't even told his bosses that ds1 was so Ill...
I am always dealing with things alone. I was scared to, but one of us has to be strong, (ds2 is ok btw)
I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing etc I also organise holidays, birthdays, Xmas etc he hasn't had to think about or buy a gift for any of his family since we got married.
I know what you will say...it's my own doing and you are right, but I thought that I was being helpful. Now I realise he just can't be bothered and because he knows in will do it.
It's my 40th this year. Ha! I am probably having a mid life crisis!! All Dhs family keep asking what I am doing. And I answer nothing. And nog thing will happen because I refuse to organise my own 40th birthday. I do everyone else's and thata fine, but I won't do my own.
And no one has offered either...it's just accepted that because I am not organising anything nothing will happen...
I am not difficult to please...a meal and some chocolate would be nice, but I won't even get that.
I seem to come last with everyone. Kids are naturally selfish so that's ok and i am used to it from my own family but I am getting more and more upset with it from dh.
He doesn't listen. I seem to talk to myself. We are supposed to be going on hols (completely organised by me) next week and I am dreading it.
I don't want to sleep with him...have no desire to at all. He is not unattractive, but I just can't seem to feel that way about him when he is so needy all the time.
God, I sound like a real bitch don't I?
I cannot leave. I will not do that to my children.
Is there anything I can do to salvage this? Every now and again we have a "chat" but nothing really changes...how can I move on?
I want to make my marriage work, but atm its a hard slog and I am tired and unhappy.
If you have got this far - thanks for reading my ramblings and I am sorry for the self pity.