DP is a manchild, have realised this after 4 years

[mixedberrymilkshake]

Me and DP have been together for 4 years, as students at different universities. As a result, our relationship has mostly taken place online, weekend visits, holidays and trips abroad. Despite this we have always planned to start our life together after we graduate.

I am a mature student in my mid-twenties, and I feel ready to embark on something like this despite the obvious obstacles in our relationship- I feel like it would be a different story if I was a 20 year old graduate, but I moved out when I was sixteen, held down various jobs and lived on my own prior to going to university- I feel like I've lived, loved and now I'm ready to settle down.

It was a whirlwind romance and we were planning our lives together after a year. We used to have so much fun and because of the little time that we had together, we would cherish it. It was well and truly perfect.

Now I'm home with my parents after graduation, and we're due to start renting a place together in the coming months- but since exams finished, I've started to realise that he isn't the person I thought he was. We have been back and forth visiting each other more frequently without the commitments of university- and I've realised he's a complete manchild and someone that I don't want to live with. He's been staying with me for the past week and I already see the cracks emerging

As his parents are still dishing out money for our rental deposit and living costs- he literally has no worries at all until his grad job starts (we are both starting jobs in the city, not at the same company)- so he has been sitting on my fucking sofa all day when the house is a tip, not cleaning up after himself, using all of the food that my parents bought and telling me I need to go shopping without even offering money towards it whilst I've been at work all day as a barista earning money that his parents give him willy nilly.

He also doesn't take my job seriously. I realise my cafe job is a stop gap- but I need it to help furnish our new home and save up for a first few months of rent. As we're both starting careers in finance, he has been using this gap between uni to do something that he calls 'networking' swanning off to a load of parties and events. He usually wants me to join him as 'arm candy'- but I work 40 hours a week, and he gives me a hard time when I won't pull a sicky or fork out my hard earned savings for a hotel or a weekend away just so he can suck up to some of the most morally repugnant I will meet. Also, he doesn't realise that I don't like being arm candy? My graduate job is better than his ffs but he's recently started belittling me. If I manage to get an invite to an event off my own back, and get the time off work- he's there, just waiting and harrassing me to get in on it too.

It's not just a complete lack of consideration for my family home but other people to. My parents came back from holiday this morning. DP has a friend in the next town over so he planned to use to day to pay him a visit, as DP was leaving the house, DF (who had just came from the airport on an early flight) pulled up and just told him to jump in the car and he'd give him a lift to the station. I thought this was really nice of DF, but DP well and truly took the piss by calling him at hour ago whilst my dad was sleeping off jet lag and asked him for a lift back from the train station! He certainly has enough money for a taxi and it was incredibly rude because he KNEW DF would jump and get him :( feeling so embarrassed as I would never have done that to his family.

So many other incidents but I just wanted to check that I didn't seem petty. The thing is, I do love him, but our weekend relationship was clearly seen through rose tinted glasses, and just a fortnight of mundane life (we have spent weeks together before, but usually joined up with parties, friends, holidays) has made me realise how repulsive he is. I literally had no flags of this behavior going off before but now I'm wondering I was just blind to it

At the same time I feel selfish and scared that I've realised how shit this relationship could potentially be after just 2 weeks of real life. I want him to be the amazing considerate fun easy going man he has been for the past 4 years. I don't want to raise a child before I'm even pregnant.

It will be hard but so much easier now than later.

'Is there honestly no way of shocking him into changing or at least working on himself or do I need to cut my losses and move on?'

No. He is not just a manchild. He has all the makings of someone who could make your life seriously unhappy and then dump you for a newer model of arm candy as he saw fit.

And don't use him as a fwb either. That is just a spineless way of treating him that will leave you feeling empty and trapped.

Better unhappy and confrontational now than having it hanging over your head for an indeterminate period of time and still having to do it later.

Forums like this are great MBMS - and also a lot to take in all at once, if you are going through a difficult time.

I'm saying this because it takes a while to process what you're going through.

You might stick with him for a while and hope it'll sort itself out (though it's not likely to ?.I'm sorry). If it doesn't, you have to deal with a kind of grieving process: letting go of your dreams of a settled adult life, and a man you thought you knew. Anger, denial, resignation, the works are then likely to come your way.

It hurts. I've been there. But you're a talented lady with a lot of love to give.

Take your time: you will come through in the end, whatever happens.

Have you told him how you feel about his behaviour? Maybe these things just haven't occurred to him but if you talk it through then he might realise. He's not a mindreader after all.

So he's on the sofa, eating and not cleaning, and doesn't take your job seriously. So you tell him you're disappointed he hasn't offered to clear up or contribute towards food, and are annoyed that he doesn't appreciate the hard work you're doing to earn money for the future.

He "doesn't realise" that you don't like being arm candy - haven't you told him? And have you told him you're angry at him taking your DF for granted?

If you tell him all these things calmly, he might be horrified and the penny will drop. Or it might not. But I think if you can put your points across clearly and assertively then you'll find out.

Agree with akaemmafrost that after 4 years you should definitely be having a serious conversation about these things.

If you have to talk with an adult about behaviour that is actually really rude (if you take away the relationship elements and how it makes the OP feel) then I don't think it's worth talking to him about it.

She is not his parent. His parents didn't teach him how to be considerate to someone whose guest he is, let alone how to treat someone you supposedly love and care for. Not her job to take up the work they ignored. And their continued financial support of him would undermine everything she tried to accomplish if she were to take on this misguided task.

He is staying in someone else's house and that house has somehow become a tip, he goes through someone else's cupboards, eating everything in the fridge, demanding someone goes out grocery shopping for him, he thinks he has a right to ask for someone else's money, he thinks it is ok to tell someone who has a university education and works 40 hours a week that she is arm candy and should be willing to drop everything and go off partying with him -- what sort of a moron doesn't have an inkling that that would rub someone up the wrong way? And where would you even start explaining to him that his behaviour was unacceptable?

Could I be arsed ?

Nah, because it would be a complete waste of time and energy

Any bloke that takes the piss to this extent doesn't respect women, and having a "stern chat" with him will make no difference (or it will be very temporary and will go off the scale once he has you barefoot and pregnant)

Cut your losses

It's not that he's a manchild, it's that he's a wanker.

You can't cure a wanker.