DP is a manchild, have realised this after 4 years

[mixedberrymilkshake]

Me and DP have been together for 4 years, as students at different universities. As a result, our relationship has mostly taken place online, weekend visits, holidays and trips abroad. Despite this we have always planned to start our life together after we graduate.

I am a mature student in my mid-twenties, and I feel ready to embark on something like this despite the obvious obstacles in our relationship- I feel like it would be a different story if I was a 20 year old graduate, but I moved out when I was sixteen, held down various jobs and lived on my own prior to going to university- I feel like I've lived, loved and now I'm ready to settle down.

It was a whirlwind romance and we were planning our lives together after a year. We used to have so much fun and because of the little time that we had together, we would cherish it. It was well and truly perfect.

Now I'm home with my parents after graduation, and we're due to start renting a place together in the coming months- but since exams finished, I've started to realise that he isn't the person I thought he was. We have been back and forth visiting each other more frequently without the commitments of university- and I've realised he's a complete manchild and someone that I don't want to live with. He's been staying with me for the past week and I already see the cracks emerging

As his parents are still dishing out money for our rental deposit and living costs- he literally has no worries at all until his grad job starts (we are both starting jobs in the city, not at the same company)- so he has been sitting on my fucking sofa all day when the house is a tip, not cleaning up after himself, using all of the food that my parents bought and telling me I need to go shopping without even offering money towards it whilst I've been at work all day as a barista earning money that his parents give him willy nilly.

He also doesn't take my job seriously. I realise my cafe job is a stop gap- but I need it to help furnish our new home and save up for a first few months of rent. As we're both starting careers in finance, he has been using this gap between uni to do something that he calls 'networking' swanning off to a load of parties and events. He usually wants me to join him as 'arm candy'- but I work 40 hours a week, and he gives me a hard time when I won't pull a sicky or fork out my hard earned savings for a hotel or a weekend away just so he can suck up to some of the most morally repugnant I will meet. Also, he doesn't realise that I don't like being arm candy? My graduate job is better than his ffs but he's recently started belittling me. If I manage to get an invite to an event off my own back, and get the time off work- he's there, just waiting and harrassing me to get in on it too.

It's not just a complete lack of consideration for my family home but other people to. My parents came back from holiday this morning. DP has a friend in the next town over so he planned to use to day to pay him a visit, as DP was leaving the house, DF (who had just came from the airport on an early flight) pulled up and just told him to jump in the car and he'd give him a lift to the station. I thought this was really nice of DF, but DP well and truly took the piss by calling him at hour ago whilst my dad was sleeping off jet lag and asked him for a lift back from the train station! He certainly has enough money for a taxi and it was incredibly rude because he KNEW DF would jump and get him :( feeling so embarrassed as I would never have done that to his family.

So many other incidents but I just wanted to check that I didn't seem petty. The thing is, I do love him, but our weekend relationship was clearly seen through rose tinted glasses, and just a fortnight of mundane life (we have spent weeks together before, but usually joined up with parties, friends, holidays) has made me realise how repulsive he is. I literally had no flags of this behavior going off before but now I'm wondering I was just blind to it

At the same time I feel selfish and scared that I've realised how shit this relationship could potentially be after just 2 weeks of real life. I want him to be the amazing considerate fun easy going man he has been for the past 4 years. I don't want to raise a child before I'm even pregnant.

You haven't 'wasted time'. You had a fun weekend relationship but it sounds like that was all it was ever meant to be.

I really believe that you never truly know someone until you live with them so be grateful you had the chance to see what he was like before you signed a lease on a place.

You sound like a mature confident young woman with a bright future.

You're going to have to tell him to leave, I'm afraid if it isn't working then it just isn't working.

He's become a habit to you. I don't think you really knew him at all but his true colours are certainly becoming more apparant now. Do not tie yourself down to such an immature entitled manchild because if you do you will spend all your time pandering to him whilst you are being further ground down in the process.

Have you told him to leave yet?.

Well done for realising this now. Different relationships suit different times in your life. You haven't wasted time at all, you have been studying and had an age appropriate fun relationship. I think you know you have 'outgrown' him. Maybe he was always like this and you never cared/realised because it wouldn't affect you. But it will now.

Imagine starting your fantastic new career only to have that albatross around your neck? Now imagine starting it completely unweighted down by dead weight? You will be meeting loads of exciting new people who are much more on your wave length. If you carry on with this man out of habit you will soil all the good memories you have of him.

I think you know the action you need to take. Just be brave. I envy you. Go for it and don't look back. :)

You haven't wasted a second,you have learned some very valuable life lessons. Thank god you have realised what he is like before moving in, you can extricate yourself fairly easily. He sounds like a dick, arm candy WTF?

Mixedberry - well done you for recognising this man for what he is. With regards changing, he possibly could change if he wanted to, but at the moment has no reason to. Everyone, including his parents are allowing him to behave like an entitled brat. Also think about how much it would take out of you in that process. He isn't your responsibility to change. The relationship isn't solely your responsibility to make work. The fact you have complained to him and he hasn't changed or made any effort shows where he thinks the responsibility lies. When a man shows you what he is like, believe him.

Really it is the best thing that you have found out now. It wouldn't get any better.

Mixedberry... he is 27? You haven't wasted time with him, you had a lot of fun, but the easy going, fun person you enjoyed spending time with as a student, is going to be an easy going, fun man-child now and the appeal is understandably waning for you. Good luck with making your decision about your relationship x

I still haven't asked him to leave yet. I've gone from feeling completely and utterly in love to not really wanting to be in the same room as him in under a fortnight. It feels way too rushed to make him leave.

His train is due to leave tomorrow. If anything we'll have the conversation then. Just hopeless and don't know what to do.

Although this doesn't fit in with my apparent repulsion for him- we had sex last night and I thought it would maybe ignite something within me to want to work on things rather than make him go away. Nothing. Usually it would be passionate and loving and I could have honestly cried with how happy I was afterwards- you know that blissful so-in-love sex. And even though he was doing nothing different I was switched off mentally. I even had to think before holding him after.

Have also been snapping at him all say which doesn't help and he's started to notice that I don't feel right.

Also dreading the fallout. In work circles- everyone knows we're together, online too thanks to the demon of social networking and also our families and friends.

your relationship has run its course

don't cling on to somone you no longer like because of what everyone else might think

relationshiops break up every single day

you will a subject of gossip for a couple of days, then they will find something else to yap about

dump the manchild and do it quick before you end up hating him

Having sex whilst the relationship is on its deathbed only complicates things further. Small wonder you feel confused but your underlying concerns that you have woken up to remain. You've now realised that this bloke is a self entitled manchild.

Have the conversation with him today and ask him to leave today. Why put off till tomorrow what you can do today?

You need to realise as well that it takes two to make a relationship work; one person alone cannot carry it. Don't carry him.

Mixed berry, your friends and family and even work, these people will just raise an eyebrow and move on to the latest gossp. So much better you do it now rather than proceed on, marry and then leave him which is much harder.

You've outgrown this relationship. You had a valuable window into what he would be like as a real life-partner and a dad (imagine bringing up a child with you doing all the household work plus being belittled over your job). The biggest red flag for me would be the difference in values- he's far more into networking, being seen, having things. It's not you. He's just not right for you.

This is no biggie (for other people). No-one expects you to marry people you find repulsive. Just write him a letter if you can't face it face to face although I do think face to face is much nicer and I do think you owe it to the other person to let them vent and tell their side of it if you have been with them for a few years.

He was fun, you were in love, you are moving on. Good luck.

"He is belittling you because he is intimidated by you and he will only grind you down"

Another "YES YES" to this comment

I had a boyfriend like this years ago. While we were still at university our relationship was great. As soon as we joined the world of work and I got a far better job than him, he started deliberately chipping away at my self-esteem to make himself feel better. Like him your P will continue to do this because his stupid male ego can't cope with a woman being more successful than him. Don't let him do that to you. I hope you can find the courage to have "the talk" before he leaves tomorrow. Good luck. xx

Living together is hard. Big life changes are hard.

They can bring out all sorts of weird feelings, unusual behaviour, as things adjust.

It might not always be that way.

I don't know whether to go against the grain and say wait and see if things settle down after another couple of weeks?

It is really common for people to split up after uni. Anyone with a it of life experience would understand that so I wouldn't worry about your work circle.

People grow up after school and grow even more after uni. It happens, it's sad. But thank god it happened now.

Good luck with your exciting new job x

RUN FOR THE HILLS.

Thanks for all of your help girls. I'm really confused right now

Maybe leave it for now and see whether you miss him or are relieved to have him gone after tomorrow. If you're confused, don't rush it. Maybe after a few days to think it through you'll know what you want to say to him, whether to bring up his new behaviour or talk about splitting up.

Good luck. Take your time.

I think mentally you've already decided he's not for you and you're ready to move on, you just haven't told him yet. That's why you're emotionally disengaged, snapping at him etc.

You're young and with a bright exciting future. It would be better without him, don't let him drag you down or hold you back.

I agree there is no rush but you should start looking for places to rent alone and let him know you aren't ready to move in together. It sounds as though the relationship has probably run its course. What you want from a partner you live with is very different to what you want from a fun boyfriend. I found it hard to find a man who I could tolerate having around me all the time. I think alot of people start living together too early and I think men need a phase of living alone so they don't expect a mummy substitute and can cook, clean and iron. Get your own place first and have men staying over a few days at a time at first. Also don't give up your own place without having tried living together with your flat on stand by if it doesn't work out, and without agreeing who does what.

noblegiraffe - I agree that's what's going on.

Definitely not ready to be living with him, I've decided that- but whether I want to keep him as that fun boyfriend a little bit longer. After all, we'll be finally living in the same city- it might be worth just giving that a go and going on dates 3 times a week with a few sleepovers, just trying to work on thing you know?

At the same time though, I just want him out to start fresh. But it's difficult because even though I don't want him any more- I couldn't bear him with anyone else and I know I'd be stalking him compulsively over FB, twitter (which is public so it's not like I could cut him out completely). I also work in a pretty niche department, as does he so we'd always be bumping into each other that way.

He's downstairs now, I've called him up for a cuddle and to put a film on and he's stabbing at his blackberry and raiding all my cupboards.

It's just insane that I thought this was the man I would marry and have children with. The little dream of a life that we could have together is slowly fading.

I'm sorry that he's not what you thought he was. You're obviously feeling contempt for him and IME when you get to that "fuck it" stage you need to make the break. If he shapes up when he's living independently (ha) then he'll still be around, you'll be in the same city, you can give it another go. If you have a moment of doubt, just remember him demanding you come along as "arm candy" - his attitude to women sounds poor tbh.

Do it when he's on his way to the train. Arrange a friend to come over or something fun to do (or even a work shift) for afterwards. I think it needs to be done, sorry love.

"Definitely not ready to be living with him, I've decided that- but whether I want to keep him as that fun boyfriend a little bit longer. After all, we'll be finally living in the same city- it might be worth just giving that a go and going on dates 3 times a week with a few sleepovers, just trying to work on thing you know?"

He's the fun boyfriend?. He sounds completely unlikeable actually and this relationship has truly now run its course.

Re your above comment, well you've already tried that and it has not worked out judging by this from your initial post:-

"As we're both starting careers in finance, he has been using this gap between uni to do something that he calls 'networking' swanning off to a load of parties and events. He usually wants me to join him as 'arm candy'- but I work 40 hours a week, and he gives me a hard time when I won't pull a sicky or fork out my hard earned savings for a hotel or a weekend away just so he can suck up to some of the most morally repugnant I will meet. Also, he doesn't realise that I don't like being arm candy?"

End it before tomorrow. Love your own self for a change. You're worth far more than being his arm candy.

Agree he is not a good choice for fun boyfriend - his idea of fun seems very different to yours.

There are plenty of blokes out there who would be more fun, who wouldn't belittle you, drag you to dull parties as a trophy instead of a person and who would also be more mature. Instead of sticking with the man-child for safety, make the break, forget him and have fun with other men. Or even be single and cultivate girl friendships for a bit instead.

End it now. You are stringing him along. How would you like him sleeping with you whilst posting on a forum that he knew he didn't want you anymore?
He sounds very unlikeable anyway

I think after 4 years it's worth talking about isn't it? Do you think he would be surprised at how bad you are feeling about everything.

It's up to you of course and personally I think this relationship is on its last legs from all you have said but I do get a bit at the cries of "Get Rid Right Now" when you posted about this for the first time yesterday!

I'm confused, you're talking about your cupboards and earlier your sofa, but I thought you were currently living with your parents and he had come round to their house whilst they were away. Why isn't he at his parents' house rather than sponging off yours? I thought he had gone away and you were having a break from him?