I hate being married...

[LifeinBlue]

Have namechanged for this...

I have been married for 2 years and have one baby daughter.

I always used to say that the most important quality in a husband was kindness. My husband isn't kind. Not really. He can be kind to strangers, kind to our baby, kind to me sometimes, but he isn't "good hearted". If that makes sense? He's very quick to anger.

He has never hit me. But he does shout and wave his hands around in my face. He swears, storms around our house, marches into the garden and hits things. It scares me, which I've told him.

I just don't know what to do. Neither of us are happy. I know he loves me but at the moment I don't feel that I love him or even like him. I don't hate him, I just want to be away from him. I find it so depressing having time together because it inevitably ends in an argument about something silly.

But we have a baby. And we were once happy. And I have to do everything I can to make this work. I owe it to all of us - the idea of our beautiful girl having parents who live apart is heartbreaking. It kills me.

What can I do? Any advice welcome. There's probably masses of other information I haven't included - sorry. Didn't want to write an essay.

Thanks for reading.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are not alone - it may seem like everyone else's marriage is happy and healthy and working well but it's not always the case.

Your husband's behaviour does indeed sound scary and that is not acceptable. You do not have to put up with this. I know you want to put your baby first but your baby needs two happy, contented parents instead of two angry, scared parents who are staying together out of duty. There are LOADS of MNers who have been through similar situations and will give you fantastic advice so keep posting. When someone is scaring you, it's very difficult to get your thoughts straight so please keep talking about it on here. You do not have to accept his behaviour and you have a duty to yourself to be happy and to be safe.

I suspect it's not that you don't like being married, it's that you don't like being married to him.

I don't want to be a 'leave the bastard' harpy, but your post and the words 'kind to me SOMETIMES' and pointing out that he has never hit you...that doesn't sound good.

You might find some of the links on the emotional abuse threads useful.

I'm sorry.

You could start by drawing up a mental list of those behaviours which you find unacceptable.

Sit him down and list them. Give examples. The tell him how you would like him to be different. Then tell him that you will not tolerate this continued behaviour, and that it is driving a wedge between you which can only lead to an unhappy outcome if he does not commit to change.

He may well deny, obfuscate, counter-accuse , justify himself etc etc throughout this.

So, in that case, stick to your agenda. Broken record technique, if necessary. Mean it.

Its the only way! she finally learnt

I would hate to be married to your husband too.

What is it he's so angry about? Anything in particular? Or just stuff to do with you?

I would read up on emotional abuse and see if he fits any of the descriptions.

You do not have to stick at a relationship that's not working. And it takes two people to make a marriage work.

the idea of our beautiful girl having parents who live apart is heartbreaking

Of course it is. It is also heartbreaking to think of a little girl having a father who emotionally abuses his mother and behaves aggressively around the home. It is heartbreaking to think so might grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour in a future partner.

In an ideal world she would live with both parents who are in a loving, respectful relationship without abuse. But if your husband is abusive, this isn't an option that you can choose. You can only choose whether to continue living with him or not, whether to continue exposing her to shouting and tantrums from an adult man with the risk of his behaviour escalating.

You can't make him be the person you'd like him to be for her or for you. That's down to him.

And I have to do everything I can to make this work. I owe it to all of us
One person can't make a relationship work. I'm sorry. :(

It scares me, which I've told him.

And he hasn't stopped. This is abusive. You are scared of him. You cannot live with someone who scares you.

Good dads don't scare the mother of their children. If they do so by accident and are told that they have then they apologise and stop and seek help.

he surely needs therapy for his anger?! ask him calmly about it as it will benefit him personally, apart from the whole family. Anger is often rooted in resentmernt or fear, whether it stems from childhood or lack of fulfilment at work, or even from being unloved in some cases. If he doesn't do anythig it WILL get worse.

I also don't think you hate being married, its just that you now hate being married to him.

Some men manage to hide their true nature before baby comes into being; abuse as you are experiencing now is insidious in its onset and it can be so easily missed and thus rationalised or minimised by the other party.

He likely is kind to others; its you his wife he takes all his vile behaviour out on.
Abusers are very plausible to those in the outside world and it would not surprise me at all if you LifeinBlue wrote that he is a supposed pillar of the community and/or has (supposedly) lots of friends.

What he is doing now is upping the power and control ante; it is but a short step to hitting you next and such behaviour escalates. You have seen his behaviour escalate over time.

Anger management is not recommended here; he can control his temper around others. He chooses to lose it with you. You cannot rescue and or save someone like this; you have to put yourself and your DD first here.

If he loved you LifeinBlue, he would not treat you, someone who is also the mother of his child, so appallingly. You are but a mere possession to him to use and abuse as he sees fit. You cannot try and rescue what is already a dying relationship.

You have a choice ultimately re this man; your DD does not. This is not the sort of atmosphere you want to raise her in as she will learn damaging lessons about relationships and how they are conducted.

Please talk to Womens Aid LifeinBlue, they can and will help you here.

well Attila, we don't know whether he gets angry at work too - OP might not know that either. I think it's worth mentioning therapy before making final decisions - if he refuses then that's an answer too.

I am sorry, you dont owe it to your baby to grow up in an abusive atmosphere. Far from it.

You dont have to make it work. Your husband does. And does not seem to care, you have told him he scares you, yet he does not do anything "to make it work". Making it work is not in your power, but in his. And as he is chosing not to, then I dont think you have to do much, other than keep your baby safe, happy and healthy. And if that means you have to leave your marriage, then this is better than a young child growing up with a shouty sweary abusive dad.

Thank you all so much for your replies...

He knows he has problems with anger and wants to seek help. His father is an angry, depressive and deeply unpleasant man. My husband does not want to be like him and wants to be a very different father. This I do believe.

I'm sure some of the problems are my fault. He can probably tell that I don't want to be with him much of the time and I know that will be affecting him deeply.

I just feel that we both have to give everything to try to make things better. Anyone got any practical tips? fiventhree - that's a good idea. I think we'd both be open to counselling (but v expensive and childcare tricky) or talking things through with an older, wiser person or couple. Any books anyone can recommend?

The thing is, sometimes things are fine. Sometimes we're happy.

And then sometimes he snaps over something really, really small and I feel just terrible. I have friends who struggle in their marriages and friends with very strong marriages. I know we can never really understand what goes on between 2 people though...

Maybe my expectations are too high? Maybe I'm at fault just as much? I have to consider that.

Sometimes he scares me. But I do believe he would never physically hurt me. I think he might hurt himself but not me and never our baby. We almost never argue when our baby is with us by the way - I do think she is (so far) completely protected from this.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply.

What sort of thing does he snap about?

please read...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Also, I think previous experience plays a big part in this. My parents rarely argued and are best friends. They always treat each other kindly and put each other first.

My husband's mother is a saint to have put up with his father for 40 years. My husband grew up with lots of rows, fear and an unpleasant atmosphere. I do NOT want this for our daughter (or either of us).

I was married to someone quick to anger, who I also think is not "good-hearted". I felt very trapped in the marriage but I was committed to it, until something happened which gave me no choice really but to leave. It was horrific (making the decision to leave), and I wondered many, many times if I could go through with it, and whether it would be better to put up with it, because then my children wouldn't have to deal with the split.

All I would say is, don't let the fear of leaving keep you in the marriage if you do decide you cannot live with him. Splitting up is devastating and difficult. But my life now, a year or so later, is so incomparably better. And without doubt I think removing my children from the unhappy home we had has been the best thing I could have done for them and for me.

I think maybe try proper counsellling together - not just rairing your woriies and having him say ok - but get right to the bottom of what is going on. And if that doesn't work, get all the family and friends support you can and move on.

"I'm sure some of the problems are my fault." Is this what he tells you?

Is he blaming YOU for his anger?

no OP never said that ge tells her it's her fault! why do people have to jump in with the worst possible scenarios? Angry people aer often very unhappy about it and DON'T KNOW how to get rid of their abger. If he is open to therapy that's a big positive (i.e. he acknowledges he has a problem!)

"raising your worries" even.
I didn't see your last post.
I could have written lots of what you wrote - I justified his behaviour over and over again to myself and to friends. "Sometimes he is lovely"/ "when we get do on the house is very peaceful"/ "sometimes he makes me laugh" etc etc

But sometimes how he was/ is was just unacceptable. He could be aggressive, controlling and snappy with me, and he was becoming increasingly so with our children. He didn't have much respect for me at all, which friends have since told me was obvious at the time. Maybe it was easier for me in that things came to a head in the end. But be careful that you are not just glossing over his behaviour. When I look back, deep down I knew that things were not right and that I was actually very, very depressed in the marriage. But it is extremely hard to admit that to yourself when you are in it.

Sorry - I guess my view is coloured by my own experience. If he wants to seek help for his anger that's great, but he needs to do that, not just talk about it.

He snaps about things like misplacing the paper, getting lost if we're driving somewhere new. That sort of thing. So minor that I can't really give specific examples. But I'm aware that they're the result of general stress at work, fears about our relationship, family problems etc.

Oh and PS - it's NOt your fault.

"I'm aware that they're the result of general stress at work, fears about our relationship, family problems etc"

He can be nice to strangers which means he can choose to behave well when it suits. It's not the fault of his parents, his job or anything else. Stop making excuses for him, recognise this as a serious flaw in his character that he has to fix for himself, and under no circumstances take the blame for his behaviour on yourself.

You've told him you find it frightening and he does nothing. Tell him you're leaving and it may just be enough to motivate him to change his ways

Thank you magic A lot of what you say is familiar.

(Apologies for the copy/paste)

Most people describe the relationship with an emotional abuser as a feeling of "walking on eggshells". This is because of the use of control tactics by the abuser such as fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion and manipulation. The problem is that most of these psychological tactics are difficult to identify and thus, hard to deal with even by the victim himself/herself. However, the most common signs of emotional and psychological abuse is the chipping away of the feelings of self-worth and independence. This is accompanied by feelings of helplessness and the sense of being chained to the relationship. You can identify whether you are emotionally abused or not by looking for the following signs of emotional abuse in a relationship.
-Isolation of the person, especially, from family and friends
-Intimidation
-Humiliating and disrespecting you in front of others
-Criticizing you constantly
-Yelling at you and calling you names
-Threats of physical violence
-Abusive expectations

• Denying your emotional needs -Domination and controlling behavior -Emotional blackmail -Invalidation, minimization and trivialization of the victim's feelings

Verbal assaults be it berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming or threatening are some of the most common signs of emotional abuse in a relationship. This leads to depression, feelings of worthlessness, low self worth and low self-esteem, nervousness, pessimistic behavior and even substance abuse in certain cases.

link

"He knows he has problems with anger and wants to seek help" is your post of 14.07pm.
That is the important bit.
He needs to get that help.i dont know from where,but I assume some MNs will be able to point you in the right direction,and there must be information on the internet.
If he wont find out about it at this point,then you may have to.But at some point he is going to need to go to the group or whatever.At some point he is going to need to take positive action about it.
And it needs to be done sooner rather than later.Good luck.