No one ever likes me :-(

[putthatbeakerdown]

I was never liked very much at school. I was in primary school and initially at high school but then we moved areas for the second year of high school, I moved schools and was bullied/disliked from the outset. I lost touch with all my primary friends so have no friends that I have known all my life, which is what I crave. Long term friendships.

Every one I am friends with just goes off me after a while. So-called friends treat me like dirt. I have two friends that I thought were my good friends but they are hot and cold with me. Whenever I take the bull by the horns and suggest to anyone that we go out or they come round for a coffee, it's always answered with a no, as they are too busy, or already going out, or too tired, or whatever. Another friend that I've known for several years is being a total cow to me at the moment because I didn't do something she wanted me to do. She keeps making snipey comments on my FB and if I comment on anything of hers she 'likes' everyone else's comments and ignores mine. She has also said some horrible things to me recently via text.

I am on the verge of giving up on the idea of having any friends. There doesn't seem any point. Why am I unable to have long-term friends that stick with me through thick and thin and with whom I can feel secure in the friendship? No one ever values me.

i know this isnt much help but i just wanted you to know that your not alone, i am in EXACTLY the same boat..
chin up.. it has to get better because it cant get any worse :)

Thank you Bubbless. I just wonder where in my life I've gone wrong. Deep down I know that he we stayed in the same area I'd have kept my childhood friends, kept my self-esteem intact, and moved into adulthood assured that I always had that base of friends to fall back on.

Like you say, it cannot get any worse can it?

It's awful isn't it. I have just moved to another new area. It's a new build and I naively thought we would all have that on common and new friendships could be built. It's actually a new 'community' with not only houses, but a new school, shops, surgery all on the plans, with new local employment. We will see

I would recommend you get rid of Facebook

Hmmm. Difficult. Hard to say without actually knowing. What do you think of other people? On the whole, do you find people interesting, funny, warm, kind etc? Do you listen? You might be in the wrong circle or you might be unlucky. Or a bit prickly. Or ... I think a bit more self reflection might help. Sorry you are feeling down.

I'm wondering if perhaps on my part it's a combination of trying too hard and attracting the wrong kind of people. In general I do tend to attract those that are users, or who talk about themselves all the time. In all honest, no I don't come across many interesting, funny, warm and kind people. Those that are like that already have their own friends and aren't interested in making any more friends. I hope I don't come across as prickly....

KatherineKavanagh, I think you're right, I need to get rid of FB. I hope your situation works out well and that you make some new friends in your new area.

I'm sure you're not unlikeable, you sound very likeable, loyal and kind It sounds like you've just met the wrong people and chimes in with your experiences in childhood.

Not many people have friends they have known since childhood, I know I haven't. So please don't think you are the only one without that.

What I would do is stop contacting the so-called friends who are making you feel worse. You are worth so much more than that. That will leave room for new acquaintances and friends. I think it's a bit like love, you find a friend when you least expect to and you have stopped looking. That's been my experience anyway.

I just googled prickly and read some definitions on it, and I'd say no I'm not like that. I'm probably the opposite really, try to avoid confrontation and arguments to the point where I end up putting up with anything and everything.

I think that's a good point, fourbears, I need to stop contacting those that make me feel worse. Thank you for saying those nice things about me too :)

I think you sound lovely OP.

I have had similar problems in this area as well. I know that I come across as someone who doesn't need people at all, so I don't really make friends easily.

I've been having counselling and it has really helped me a lot. Could that be something to consider?

Get rid of facebook, or at least the toxic friend. Start being more selfish!

I don't have many friends, this used to bother me and i would try to. hard, but now i don't care. People can take me as they find me, just as i do them - some people i like to spend time with, some people i dont. I don't lose any sleep over people who appear to dislike me, or not be interested in me. That way, the folk who are my friends are genuine. I personally hate all the false friendships we have to make at playgroups etc. I do have one friend from those days but its a withering friendship, not that she isnt a lovely person, she is - but we just don't have enough in common to maintain the friendship now the DDs have gone to different schools. Sometimes i feel guilty but she has moved on too and has made oher friends, it was never going to be a keeper friendship.

As for now, i have my work friends (who i see occaisionally and keep in touch with through the demon facebook) but we dont spend time together, they are still my friends. Thts about it. I always talk to lots of people in the playground, but wont get too close (made the mistake of doing this and got dragged into playground politics - would rather not talk to anyone that be doing with that!)

Are you married? DP? Kids?

Thank you yellowraincoat and doggiemumma!

yellow, I've had some counselling in the past but it's an avenue I might go down again.

doggiemumma, I think you're right, I need to dump the toxic friend. She is very clever, that is the problem, and does things very subtley and in a manipulative way so that no one realises she is being horrible except for the person she is being horrible to. She's recently fallen out with two other mutual friends and now it looks like it's my turn to be on the receiving end. I have put up with her rubbish for years and because I wouldn't do something she wanted me to do, which was very unreasonable, she went off one one. I'm married and have three DC. My marriage is generally good.

OMG I could have written exactly the same as you OP....I have found myself in this position and it's an awful feeling.
It's hard not to blame myself that I must be doing things the wrong way with people or something.
My DS is SN so this contributes to some loss of friendships and has made it harder to find new friends too.
I feel quite isolated at the moment without any real friends that seem to care about us.
Let down by the ones I have got and I've given up trying to work it out anymore.
I am on a small mission to sign up for some things I'm interested in doing...maybe find some likeminded people and maybe some friendship too.
I know I will be less open, less likely to offer help and less likely to have as much faith as I used to give...it's a bad feeling though but I feel I need to protect myself from harm nowadays and withhold myself and not be as open with people.
I don't believe that many ppl hold genuine friendship as valued and important anymore....social butterflies who only hover where they can benefit from you in some way and then move on without a thought....it's a sad fact that ppl seem to be so selfish and all about themselves these days.

That is so true soozeedol. Sorry to hear you are having a hard time too.

I totally agree about the social butterflies. I have had several friendships (if you could call them that) where all was fine whilst I was going along with what they wanted, and making all the effort but the second I needed any support or stopped making all the effort, the friendship was just over and I never heard from them again.

:) When i wrote about the playground politics it was with a woman pretty much just as you described - she was the queen of passive aggression! I Just avoid her now. Sadly for her, others are realising this and doing the same.

You sound lovely, i'd be your friend :)

Sorry you feel like this OP. I think it's one of the great taboos - how hard it can be to make friends once you reach a certain age, especially if you have other commitments like kids.

One thing I will say - don't assume that nice, kind people you meet won't want to be friends. They may well do but be genuinely busy. I moved to a new area when I got married and have had to really try hard to meet friends. I know there are some opportunities I let slide because of time constraints. Your post is actually making me more determined to do something about it! :)

I do think what others have said about counselling would be helpful. Bullying and isolation in childhood can leave huge problems for people, especially with self esteem - and unfortunately 'users' are very quick to pick up on this. If you can clear some of the baggage from the past it really will help you see the way ahead more clearly.

Oh - and dump your toxic friend. She sounds like a bitch. You do not need her!

yes I had a friend where I last lived...came round every week to mine then when she was having relationship probs she came more often...I had girlie nights at mine for 3/4 of us regularly as babysitters and nights out are expensive for me, never any return invites from them, I always did the food and nibbles, organised beds etc. Always the listening ear and giving my support to them.
We moved 6miles from there and none have ever made the effort to invite me or come to visit except when I have gone to pick them up and take them home again...I gave up just after new year and have barely heard from them since...it's so pants!
I'm on FB but I keep wondering why it says I have 35 friends but never hear from anyone and have nothing to say anymore to them. I keep it open cos I keep in touch with family thru it....maybe I should go 'unfriend' these people really...not sure why I haven't done it already...maybe I still hold a little faith, I don't know really

I wonder if you are putting out negative vibes. Do you actually like people? Most people. Do you think that people, on the whole, are all right? Because I think you need that sort of positivity to make and keep friendships.

And Facebook is nonsense.

I think that there are certain rules about making friends that some people miss out on learning when they are younger for whatever reason (I certainly did).

I would suggest keeping facebook - it's the only place online where what you see is what you get. If you don't like someone's comments, use the hide option or just de-friend them. Do keep posting but remove people that you don't want to bother with. Social networking is great for getting to the root of friendships - you can see what people are up to but also you are selling yourself in a way, the more you post the more people see who you really are.

I wonder if you are a bit of a chameleon with friends, trying to please them. This means that you are never your true self and will lead you into false friendship.

Focus on the people that you really like or think you can get on with. Book coffees in advance, rather than on the spur of the moment.

Also accept the fact that some people are good in different roles if you like - I have one very old friend that I hardly ever see but know she's always there. We had a big bustup in the past, but got past it. Never dismiss people you've had a bustup with, sometime those are the people that actually really care about you!

I have kids school friends, rapidly diminishing in number as they all get very busy. Occasionally useful for a trip out somewhere but I don't hang onto them for general company. We are friends enough to whinge and complain to each other but don't depend on each other in crisis or whatever.

I also have shared interest friends, in clubs or groups, again, I don't expect too much from these people as there's a lot of falseness and power games.

One trick I have learned is that if you're in a group and feel left out, find the other person in the group that also feels left out. There is always another, and it's not worth the effort to try to ingratiate yourself to people who want to be exclusive.

Online is very similar to offline I find, with the added complication of anonymity (like on here) but a good source of light-hearted relief from loneliness.

Also, enjoy your children's company - they need friends too.

I would forget about it-join up for an activity that you really enjoy and then you find like minded people-and if you don't then you still have the activity.

Some really good advice here. Agree, dump toxic friend and also agree a lot of it is about the current stage of your life. When I was younger and child free it was much easier to develop friendships because you could devote time to meeting up etc.

I have moved around quite a lot the past ten years and been disappointed how hard it is to make friends. But I don't think that can be just down to me and my horrid personality as I have kept very good friends over the years.

It can be sad but I think all you can do is just move on from the obviously toxic people and make an effort with anyone nice - invite the parents of your children's friends over?

I have moved around quite a lot (both before and since having a child) and I just concentrate on doing things that I enjoy, getting involved with organisations etc - that way I am busy and generally you will find like minded people that will become 'friends'. I appreciate that its not always easy to be confident and join clubs etc but if you concentrate on thinking 'I would like to volunteer in an Oxfam shop' or 'I would like to learn pottery' (or whatever your interest is ) rather than 'I want to make friends' I am sure that you will at least get something out of a new experience and, dare I say it, not look too 'needy' about wanting friends.

Perhaps I have a friendly face but I often find people will suggest meeting up, going for a coffee etc - I usually say 'yes' the first time but if there is nothing speficic to talk about (and I really don't want to talk about babies/children/schools) or people don't actually want to do anything then I do wonder how people expect friendships to develop? I like meeting positive people who have hobbies and interests that they like to talk about, even if it something I am not involved in myself, I love hearing about different things .

I actually blame a lot of this on people who read those self-help books that focus on getting rid of everything that's negative in your life. Real (female) friends moan to each other, real friends have sadness and needs that they want to share with you. It's not toxic or negative (unless it's relentless and one-way), it's a sign of intimacy and trust.

For men it's entirely different, and a lot of these books are written by men.

Thank you everyone. This reply has to be very brief as I'm off out for the afternoon with hubby and the kids.

I'll check back in later to reply more.

I don't think anyone on here is defining a 'toxic' friend as someone who is looking for support or fed up and wanting a moan etc. Thatbis certainly part of friendships, I moan to friends and they moan back at me, we help each otherout.

But if there is no reciprocity and a 'friend' is deliberately sniping at you then it is very sensible to not involve this person in your life. Why spend time with someone who doesn't seem to like you very much?