No one ever likes me :-(

[putthatbeakerdown]

I was never liked very much at school. I was in primary school and initially at high school but then we moved areas for the second year of high school, I moved schools and was bullied/disliked from the outset. I lost touch with all my primary friends so have no friends that I have known all my life, which is what I crave. Long term friendships.

Every one I am friends with just goes off me after a while. So-called friends treat me like dirt. I have two friends that I thought were my good friends but they are hot and cold with me. Whenever I take the bull by the horns and suggest to anyone that we go out or they come round for a coffee, it's always answered with a no, as they are too busy, or already going out, or too tired, or whatever. Another friend that I've known for several years is being a total cow to me at the moment because I didn't do something she wanted me to do. She keeps making snipey comments on my FB and if I comment on anything of hers she 'likes' everyone else's comments and ignores mine. She has also said some horrible things to me recently via text.

I am on the verge of giving up on the idea of having any friends. There doesn't seem any point. Why am I unable to have long-term friends that stick with me through thick and thin and with whom I can feel secure in the friendship? No one ever values me.

[Spuddybean]

I feel similar OP. I find it really hard to make friends. I have 2 friends in the whole world - 1 lives in the states and the other is a hopeless alcoholic who never comes to see me but if I arrange to meet him he is always drunk.

People find it hard to believe but I literally have no one. I am an only child so am probably a bit stand offish when I meet people. I am also academic which appears to put people off (have seen colleagues smirk, raise eyebrows and whisper if i say subsequent rather than after etc).

The sad thing is deep down I am very warm and loyal and of course lonely. I used to have a group of 6 close friends since childhood but one went off with my husband and all the other friends refused to ever speak to me again.

It is so hard to make friends when you are 35. People all have their own groups and families. So if i get on with someone at work and I ask if they fancy meeting up sometime I get vague responses and then obvious distance as they think i'm a weirdo.

I am 33wks pg now and I am just hoping I can meet other mums at groups. Unfortunately I am also possibly picky, but I don't think so. A lot of people I meet say things which really put me off them. I went to an NCT thing the other day and all the women were insane. Just going on and on about sales and buggies and bleeding nipples etc. I made jokes and they looked back at me like 'this is really serious you know'. I thought oh dear! They seemed really limited and i genuinely thought if being friends mean i have to listen to this vacuous drivel then i'd rather be alone!

[Angelico]

Agree with both fedup and Spero in different ways - think some people use it as an excuse to not reciprocate in a normal friendly way because of selfishness but justify using psychobabble - "ooooh yeah all that talk about her divorce, she's just so negative and draining". But agree with Spero that this particular 'friend' sounds like a bit of a cow.

[Angelico]

Ahhh Spuddy I would be your friend :) That sounds like a shit situation to be honest :( It probably is hard for you when pregnant etc but you would be much more likely to meet nice people on your wavelength in nightclasses / evening lectures etc.

Mind you I am jealous they have NCT stuff where you are as there is nothing round here - I emailed to ask and they tried to get me to start running something! I thought between working full time and growing a baby I had enough on my plate at the minute :o

[JuliaScurr]

book clubs? other hobbies? that will give you social contact, if not actual friends

[fedup2012]

Bear with the NCT stuff, Spuddybean, many of them are trying to fit in and you quickly learn who you get on with - there will be others just like you.

[mslucy]

I'm interested that you don't mention a partner or family here.
In my experience, feelings of low self-esteem/negativity often come from bad relationships with your parents or your partner - nothing like the drip, drip, drip of nasty undermining comments to make you feel really bad about yourself and then feel awkward and self-conscious in social situations (and then attract people who are mean and take advantage of your vulnerability).

I often joke that I had no social skills until I was about 28 - which is sort of a joke - but not entirely.
As a teenager I felt terribly uncomfortable and this definitely continued into my 20s - though I doubt people would have noticed. I was good at projecting false confidence and giving the impression that everything rolled off me etc etc

Obviously b/s.

I had quite a bit of therapy in my late 20s and learnt to accept myself - from your post, you sound incredibly hard on yourself. I think this is key - it may be a cliche, but why should other people like you if you don't like yourself. Also, as another poster rightly said, don't ever feel you have to do anything you don't want to - unless you'll get into serious trouble for not doing it.

As a much older person (41 going on 42) I find friendships much easier and have learnt to be more accepting and forgiving of people. I think I expect less from people - they have their own lives and their own issues - and enjoy the time I have with friends.

Also, avoid facebook until you feel more confident. It has its uses (ie wasting time/chatting to odds and sods when you've nothing else to do) but please do not go there for validation because you won't get it.

Enjoy spending time with your kids, get active in your local community, think about studying, working or finding a different job. Read more books, listen to your favourite music, cook, make stuff, be creative - what ever it is that makes you feel good.

Build your own confidence and then you will find people will be looking to be friends with you.

Sorry if this sounds like a lecture, you just sounded so upset and I really felt for you.

[soozeedol]

I take each person as they come...I'm open and friendly and make friends easily...it's down the line when you realise you were nothing except convenient at the time....I stopped making the phone calls, invites and it went cold right there....how long would you wonder about this before realising someone couldn't care less about you?....

I am feeling somewhat negative right now but I'm only feeling that for past times...not towards any new ppl I may meet...
I do wonder about how open and trusting I am and whether this is part of why it's happened like this...ppl taking me for granted.
I've just had to accept a minimal amount for a fish tank I gave a friend to borrow...that was over a year ago. It belongs to my son...we lost our dog a few months ago and decided we would get fish again...it's taken me numerous calls and negotiations over the past 2 months to find myself accepting this money and having to find alot more in order to replace the fish tank we had....and the so called friend had managed to buy new tvs, snakes and vivariums but couldn't give our tank back or offer to buy us a new one....and made me feel like shit for asking for it back!!! FFS...yes...I'm giving out negative vibes...to her and her crappy attitude!!

And then there's the other so called friend who fell out with me and has made sure everyone knows how awful I treated her because I couldn't afford to go to a concert with her!!...I gave her 6 weeks notice so she would have plenty of time to organise going with someone else...what can a person do when ppl behave so ridiculously immature and nasty....I'm negative about this too!!

When the GD of a friend openly insults your DS with SN ASD/ADHD, telling you to your face he's an 'attention seeking, diva' and behaves badly towards him and you explain to your friend (her GF) that you are upset and he refuses to speak to you and has no respect for you or your DS and you never saw that coming!!!...hurt, upset and feeling betrayed and yes negative!!!...3yrs he was my so called friend, I looked after his elderly brother, cooking, cleaning and watching over him and this is how I am treated!!!

I'm ranting...sorry...I'm hurt, upset and feeling quite negative about what friends are nowadays....disappointed..very!!

I probably need some tablets, counselling and a new way of viewing things from the reality I am living at the moment

My apologies I may have sort of hijacked the thread with my ranting....sorry

[Spuddybean]

That's nice angelico . I know I am a bit marmite. In fact men seem to like me much more than women do. I just can't play games and (I am sure there are bright funny, political, women out there, but...) cannot talk about diets and children ad nausea. I find class very difficult as i'm sort of in limbo - working class people often think I and posh/snobby and the middle class people think i'm too common. (my parents are working class but i was brought up in a posh area/school).

I know we can't all like everyone but I am hoping to just meet one or two people I can be mates with. I don't want bff just someone I can meet for lunch who wants to chat about the Leveson inquiry!

Where are you based angelico ? It must be tough if you are geographically remote.

[SaintVera]

beaker, I came on here to write a similar post, having exhausted my reserves of self-esteem and reached the point where I'm currently feeling really down (depressed?) about my life and friendships. It is a big birthday for me this year and I am finding it difficult as I feel I should have lots of friends to invite to a party, but I don't have the confidence to do anything. So heartening to find your post, though I am sorry you feel like this too. It is a terrible taboo to admit to loneliness and much safer to keep it hidden.

I keep asking myself whether it is me, and what on earth I am doing that means I struggle with friendships. I think I try too hard as well and attract slightly flakey people, although they are not always bad people; they just can't be relied on in the way that I want them to, and they lack maturity. I really, really hate manipulative people though, and struggle with Queen Bee types, and the Queen Bee is a common figure in groups of women. I think it is an authority thing - I can't be doing with being bossed around by women who could do with getting off their arses and doing it themselves!

soozedol, I too have an SN child and it has compounded my isolation. There is no doubt that even if we were the most sociable, confident people in the world, this would be a challenge to our sociability and friendships. Double whammy...

Thanks for bringing it up on here and thanks for the advice out there. We are not alone x

[Angelico]

I'm in Ireland Spuddy - I should probably be the one called Spuddy actually :o But I can't talk about the Leveson enquiry any more because I feel like killing myself every time it is mentioned - due to DH's job it has had a LOT of airtime at home :o

[nkf]

I may be off beam here but I think some of you may be rushing into friendships. You want them to be deep life long friendships immediately. I think that can happen in childhood but as adults the process is often frustratingly slow. You can work with someone for years, have lunch with them and then gradually, you realise they're not just work colleagues. Similarly with the parents at the school gates. Perhaps expect less.

[exoticfruits]

I agree nkf. Do you just chat to anyone-of any age-at supermarket checkouts etc? It all helps. Sometimes you can know someone for years before they become a friend.

[SaintVera]

nfk, you have a point but I often just want to 'connect' with people and I feel like I start off with the best intentions and a friendly face, then say something stupid, or talk over someone, like a big, silly spaniel getting over-excited when someone pats them on the head. I see all my family members doing it. The reality is, we are a bunch of fuckwits. I quite like myself, I just wish this positive self-regard was reflected in the faces of others...I am happy to discuss the Levenson enquiry but can't discuss handbags, makeup, or firemen. Does that make me a freak?

[Spuddybean]

Sorry angelico i shant mention it again! :)

[fedup2012]

Saintvera you did make me laugh! I think everyone does those over-excited gaffes, but it's all about how you get out of it that matters. Perhaps you are just speaking to the wrong people. Either that or you're aspergers... I'm quite high up on the aspergers test myself, it's interesting.

I spent the day out with a group recently. I have never talked so much utter rubbish in my whole life. I am still having flashbacks of the things I said that were so, so stupid, and the awe I felt for people that didn't say anything stupid and entertained me with interesting and witty conversation.

[hidingbeneathanamechange]

The two most important friends in my life, people who have been there for me through the worst downs I've ever had, and will still be friends with me when I am a doddering old lady are the ones I have had the worst rows with, and in both cases fallen out with in what at the time felt like quite a fundamental way.

Be careful about dumping people, they might just be going through their own tough time and not being themselves.

And are people really judging you when you say something daft? Most people are so busy worrying about how they come across themselves they don't even notice. It least that is what I assume!

You can make friends anywhere by just being open and happy, age really is no barrier.

[BettySuarez]

You should be proud of yourself for standing up to her. Now go and delete her from Facebook

[bacon]

Same happened to me I moved when I was 7 and never really made a best friend after that. In comp I was always commented on by breaking into friendships and pinching friends (not true). Had low confidence and was a bit of a loner. Some horrible girls in school when I look back. I did make a best friend at 16 and we had many a fun time until my marriage broke up and then hers did and we were late 20's. I do hve a friend now but we are worlds apart and I need new friends. Luckily I dont have nasty associates, I do bother with some nice people but no one close.

If you have the time and hubby is able to look after the children then I would focus on new hobbies and gym but avoid FB.

[bacon]

I'm also like "spuddy" I seem to be able to talk to men and have great banter, have a laugh and keep the conversation rolling while with women sometimes I find them dull, I always seem to watch the same TV programmes, talk about environment/politics while many women I know are so in the clouds - Rather talk about pointless TV, celebs etc. Perhaps its because I was brought up in a male dominated home and loved it yet I am very "pink" - perhaps this confuses people?

[SaintVera]

ha ha fedup, you are a silly spaniel too! We must have a run together sometime...

One by one, most of my family are being diagnosed with Aspergers....not that it helps me as I probably wouldn't quite qualify, being more socially competent than most of them. I do think genes and nurture are hard to overcome.

[springydaffs]

what does "pink" mean?

I don't think you can underestimate the effect of being bullied, OP. It goes very very deep imo. i would second getting some counselling to address some of the deep wounds that are a result of bullying. 6 weeks won't do it btw, I think you're in for the long haul if you've been poisoned by bullying.

these days, I don't want to be with people who don't want to be with me. I can also tell if people are busy against people who can't be bothered and I have short shrift with the latter. I don't wish them ill, I'm just not intererested. I have been hideously bullied my entire life (bullying begets bullying) and I'm just so not up for it or anything like it. Again, I don't wish people ill, I'm just not interested. Toddle off with your stuff why don't you.

If someone starts treating me badly I switch off like a light, on the spot. No explanations, no statements, nothing. Most of the time it's not worth the breath. zero tolerance I guess you'd call it. I also really can't care if someone has judged something I've said or done, adding 2 + 2 and getting 5. I mean, so what?

I like people and find them endlessly interesting but in a kind of detached way, like an anthropologist LOL. That sounds cold but actually I'm selective: I can spend time with people and not necessarily be buds with them in my heart. Only the select few get that privilege.

[exoticfruits]

I think that you must be meeting the wrong people. I don't watch much TV and often don't even know who the celebs are- I don't find that my women friends talk about them.

[HexagonalQueenOfEverything]

Springydaffs, I am very similar to you!

I used to put up with anything and everything but these days I feel that life is just far too short to put up with shit from anyone. Like you say, I can tell the difference between someone being 'busy' and someone not bothering.

Anyone who says you shouldn't ditch friends has probably never had the experience of a very caustic, toxic friend, either that or they are very thick skinned and don't mind wasting time with people that aren't true friends. I think if I feel anything less than positive and happy after seeing a friend, then there is no room for them in my life.

These days I am very selective about who I will and won't give my time to. There seems little point in spending time with people who are just acquaintances or who are friends but aren't acting like it. I generally give people the benefit of the doubt for a certain amount of time but if bad behaviour continues then I will pull away from the friendship and let it drift. I prefer not to have confrontation but am happy to have confrontation if the circumstances dictate it. I won't put up with friends that continually make no effort, or friends that treat me in a disrespectful way. If after a break from a friend they re-contact me and seem to behave in a better manner (lots of people do this if you just cease contact for a bit and are a little distant with them, they seem to value you more), then I'm usually happy to re-start the friendship.

I am actually happy with very few friends, I don't feel the need for loads of friends in my life. If anything I find having lots of friends is quite annoying as it's more hassle and more effort to keep up with them all.

OP, my advice would be to ditch anyone from your life that makes you feel rubbish. They will be making your self-worth very low and with them in your life you will find it hard to move forward and make new friends.

[toadabode]

It rounds as though the problem is likely to be with you and not everyone else around you. Sorry to have to say it. If you really can't identify why you're not able to sustain friendships you're probably really lacking in self-awareness. Counselling could help you with this - good luck

[hammeringinmyhead]

Why resurrect a 6 year old thread to make such a bitchy post?