Husband watching porn - how should I feel?!

[Annie421]

Hi,

I really don't know how to feel about this as I feel that it is my fault ...

Our daughter is 22 months old, I am 2 stone heavier than I was before I had her ... I feel gross, I really do feel so unattractive and this has had a big impact on our sex life.... I want to have sex but the thought of my husband seeing me naked repulses me ... I need to lose weight. I work very hard and am constantly tired, this also puts me off initiating sex.

My Husband hardly ever initiates sex, he used to be all over me ... when i was 2 stone lighter. I have recently found out ( although I haven?t said anything to him) that he is watching porn on the computer when I go to bed.

I really do feel so hurt, I just wish that he would come upstairs and let me know if wants sex ... I now feel even more insecure knowing that he prefers to watch skinny porn stars rather than coming to bed with me ... am I being unreasonable to think this? How do I get out of this rut? I have tried dieting but the weight doesn?t seem to be dropping off.

It doesn't matter how you "should" feel, it matters how you DO feel. It sounds like you need to sit down with your husband and have an honest, grown up and calm conversation.

He might not be initiating because he knows your sex drive has been lower and hasn't wanted to put pressure on you. He might also be tired. Babies do make having an active and fulfilling sex life that bit harder than it was before - more likely to be related to having a baby/young toddler than your extra weight.

Just talk to him, good luck.

I don't think this is an uncommon scenario and it's not about how you "should" feel... How do you feel? Talk to him, tell him.

Our baby sleeps from 6pm until 6am and has done so since she has been two months old ( yes, we have been lucky!) so it's not like we don't have any spare time. I just feel as though I must repulse him... he would never say this though.

i have told him in the past how i feel, he said that now he knows things will change ... nothing has changed.

I know you feel as though you must repulse him but do you repulse him or is it just how you feel. I felt the same and it did our relationship no favours. Does he actually care about the weight?

Can I tell you my experience just to see if it helps get your head round this.

When I was in my twenties I found my partner using porn and I was so gutted. I felt that there was something wrong with me. He told me time and time again that it wasn't about me. It was just something men do. I couldn't believe that then and I felt so angry. To me it was like he was being unfaithful.

Twenty years on, and with the interne,t porn is everywhere. Being pregnant and having a baby is a massive stress on a couple. I think your DP is feeling horny and porn is so easily there.

So how do you start to make things better between you? I think you've got to just initiate sex in some way. It doesn't have to be full sex. (Apologies for my frankness but a topless 'hand-shandy' goes a long way. Just start in someway to have a a physical relationship. This isn't about him rejecting your body. He just wants sex

I really hope it will get better for you both.

Hi eclectic, I recently joined the gym, my husband was all for it and keeps nagging me to go to classes ... I am going to 4 a week, this has confirmed to me that he does want me to lose weight.

to be honest, i dont care if he watches porn, just as long as he also wants sex with me.

I personally would not worry too much about the porn, but moreso about your reduced self esteem.

He might be turning to porn due to the fact a habit has developed where you don't have sex and initiating it is awkward, it's easier to just turn on the TV.

i've only got 2 stone to losee but it feels as though i have a mountain to climb, i've joined slimming classes and just cant stick to anything

molly, i agree, but how do i change things? too much information here but when i do have sex i feel my rolls of fat rolling up his stomach and it makes me feel sick!

It would be really nice if he spent some time making you feel fantastic. He's clearly got a fair bit of time on his hands.

Did he watch porn before? I don't think porn has anything to do with your size, it's to do with the sexuality of the man. I have mixed feelings about porn, I have watched it myself and at the same time it makes me angry. So it's hard to describe how I feel about it.

I am a size 8 and I've had partners who watch porn and partners who don't so I don't think it's about size although I can totally understand why you're feeling vulnerable. My current dp likes porn. He was brought up in a family who watched it so it was 'normal' to him.

i dont mid him watching porn, that isn't the issue, we have even watched it together ... when i was slim. My issue is that he is replacing sex with watching porn, he has always had a very high sex drive, since i have put weight on he hasn't been interested.

It seems like it's got to the stage where you are both out of the habit and it nearly feels weird to initiate it.

You said you've spoken to him before about this. Could you talk about it again, this time suggesting that for a week you both go to bed at the same time, without the pressure to have sex? Even just lying in the dark, with no distractions, and talking would bring emotional intimacy back into your relationship. It would break his habit of logging on after you go to bed. And after a few nights of this it may seem natural to reach to each other physically.

If this works out you may see that he still does love your body, and you'll have gotten out of the no-sex habit.

Maybe he wants you to lose weight so that you feel
Ok about having sex with him? Or has he said otherwise?

oh I see, have you talked to him about how he feels about you? It sounds as if he's just carrying on as before but without you as you feel uncomfortable with yourself. I am sure he does not find you repulsive!

I feel as though i have no incentive to lose weight, he isn't sexually interested, I just feel like eating more. If I could just get into the dieting mode then i only have 2 stone to lose, at the moment it feels impossible.

I agree there is such a thing as no sex habit, I have it sometimes. My dp watches porn during these periods. However when I am feeling interested, porn doesn't feature and we feel closer. Having a baby really messes with your sex life... It's a real pain but it takes time to get your balance back.

Would you be happier is you lost weight? That could be an incentive? To have some of your previous life back and feel attractive and sexy?

24hour - what doesn't help is that he works away 4 days a week so is only home for 3 nights - these are always on the days when I am working. He is a head chef, he works with pretty slim waitresses - I feel so pathetic saying this, I used to have so much confidence.

Mad suggestion: Could you maybe increase your sex drive by reading some erotica - 50 shades of grey or whatever. Threreby getting over the sex thing, having it regardless of weight. He might want you sexually, but senses you don't want it.

If you crank up your sex drive you will get an answer as to how his sex drive really is.

If you seperate your sex drive and the weight, it might make the weight loss easier because you will be feeling a bit friskier and a bit more positive about your physical life, be is exercie, body confidence or sexercise.

I would be so much happier if i lost weight, i just dont know how to maintain my weight loss, i lose some then as I am sitting on my own most nights as my husband is at work i tend to comfort eat, on the weekend i will have friends over and we will eat and have a few glasses of wine - the calories all add up. My Husband usually has mondays and tuesdays off - these are the days when i am oist busy at work

lol molly - i went out and bought 50 shades today in desperate hope that it may get us back on track!

Mating in capitivity is an interesting read. Pm me.