Toxic Mother

[ASillyPhaseIAmGoingThrough]

I am a few days post op and having to deal with emotional crap Toxic Mother put on us. I took kids back as she didn't want them any longer so was fighting with the world in front of them, she loves a fight when she's unhappy. She's been nasty to her regular scapegoat gc. I said to kids when I got distressed text come home. I am expecting supermarket delivery Monday, and should be able to bash some food together for them, I wasn't expecting to feed them, as they were to stay longer.

I cut contact with her and others a few years back after counsellor taught me about abusive relationships, ex the kids dad was a big time emotional abuser, and not in our lives.

Things the kids told me, make me wonder how I survived as my Dad was not mentaly well and was abusive too. I realise having little to do with them how damaged and damaging they are.

Why say to the kids whilst swearing like a fishwife, your Father is a lovely Man? That annoyed me more than anything, she hated him when we were married and after... My Dad did that too when ex humiliated ds in public, infrint of abusive ex said he was great, yet before said ex was abusive.

I am so glad I don't spend time with them, I am v upset.

Dd was complaining at school to her friend she hates my mother, the fighting, swearing, racisim, hatred, gaslighting. She told my kids they would be pregnant next year, they are square and young for thei4 age, really and no boyfriend etc, year 7 and 9.

I asked ss for help with dc when I went to hospital, they said I had to use Mother.

I have two girls, predictive text, sorry.

I have to ask: if you know she is abusive, and you had cut contact with her, why is she the person you turned to to watch your kids during your surgery and recovery?

SS can't mandate who you ask to watch your kids for you. There are more options than just "SS" or "mother".

Is the "regular scapegoat gc" you refer to one of your own children? One of the children you just asked her to watch for you?

Ss told me to, I needed help before, they said send them to her.

I asked for temp foster care, ss said they go to family first and there isn't the funds for foster care.

Your mother is not the only person you know in the world, surely.

Your abusive mother, who scapegoats her grandchildren. SS are not god: they say family, you know better, you find someone better.

I'm sorry you are in pain post-op and having difficulties. But it sounds like you are still way too enmeshed with your toxic mother. Unsurprising - that's how toxic parents train us - but you need to be aware of it, and work hard to detach yourself from her, in order to protect yourself and your children.

She is not your only childcare option, even with temporary foster care taken out of the picture. Really. You have to ask yourself why you would turn to her when you know what she's like: you clearly have more work to do to detach yourself from the family dysfunction you grew up in.

I don't have anyone else to ask.

All right then. Keep your mother in your life and let her do to your children what she did to you.

Take some responsibility here, SillyPhase. There are other people in your life than your abusive mother.

I dont understand the agression towards me. I cut people out as I said in op, including Mother. I had noonw to have kids for a week when I was having an op and recovering.

I wish. I never posted.

Ease up there HotDAMN - not everyone has a network of family and friends that are available to help with childcare you know!!!

If someone has been affected by toxic people it is very difficult for them to form friendships. I don't imagine going to her mother was easy!!!

ASillyPhase - What about the children's father? Do you have any other family that might help? If they're in Year 7 and 9 then they don't need intensive 'looking after', more supervision than anything.

OP, I think folks are trying to help you, but your responses are basically that you have no choice. What about the father's family? or their father himself, could he take them?

You're getting advice, but again, you're insisting that you cut your mother out but still let the kids go there. It didn't come up until later that you really had no other options at all.

I agree, a D(amn)M like that would be impossible to deal with and you are well rid of her!

Reread op. I already explained about their Dad and mine. I explained I cut toxic people out that included friends. I had one friend visit me, she has a difficult life, she wasn't in a position to help. Ivory towers, some people live in.

She has already said the the father is abusive and is not involved in their lives. Does no one RTFT?!

Sorry, so you did. Your writing is a bit stilted and makes for difficult reading I'm afraid.

Given the age of your children, do they have any good friends who they would be able to spend with over the next few weeks? I know that if one of my DSs' school friends was in a situation like that I'd happily have him over at my house after school for a few days. At your DDs' ages they could easily have a few sleep overs.

I am not all that surprised to read that you ended up with an abusive man for an ex given your dysfunctional childhood. At least he is no longer in your lives.

SS would not have offered you assistance in your circumstances because there are other relatives. Also they are not going to be all that interested in your relationship with your toxic mother.

Any friendly neighbours/friends near you who can help out with the children?. Surestart is also worth contacting. Your children need protecting from her as much as you do.

They are with me now. They have been damaged. I nearly bust my stiches, the screaming and shouting and crying from them. I know why its not easy when not well not breathing properly etc and they won't go out, they have no nearby close frinedss.

It all brought it back I survived it I am upset kids e posed and I can't cry too sore.

They are back with you now. If nothing else you have vindication as to why you should cut this person out of your life. Take the time to heal, and spend some time with your DDs. There's nothing wrong with mooching on the sofa with them watching a few DVDs. Some quiet time together will hopefully be healing for all of you.

When you are feeling better I suggest you contact your GP about getting some counselling. You need some help to deal with everything you have been through, and to learn how to make friendships and other relationships work. Then slowly start trying to make new friendships. This recovery will be a long and slow process, but if all the poisonous people are out of your lives you have already made the most difficult first steps.

I am sorry for not reading more clearly, OP. but one bad experience with your mom isn't going to wreck your children for life, especially if they have had a safe and loving home with you. Kids are very resilient!

I agree that a nice, quiet time spent on the couch watching a movie will help all of you. Also, do begin to develop some relationships with parents of DCs friends.

When I was a kid, a sort of friend from my class, Douglas, came and stayed with us for about a week, his dad was bit by a black window spider and ended up in hospital; las his dad was critical mom basically lived at the hospital with him and Douglas had nowhere to go. I didn't even know my parents knew who Douglas was! So even not very close friends will step up to help, if you need it.

Bloody hell give her a break when I went in hospital when mine where younger I had to take DS out of school and to my sisters 3 hours away as I had absolutely no-one I would never of let my parents watch my kids as I didn't trust them to not have their PFB son in the house or leave them with him. I have trust issues my kids went to no-one but my sisters.

Shame on those who have leapt on the OP - it sounds as if she was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

ASillyStage - have you got anyone nearby who can help you out? A neighbour who could take the children to school (apologies if I am making incorrect assumptions about their being school age), maybe? And is takeaway an option for the weekend, until your delivery arrives?

I hope you and your dc all feel a bit better soon.

{{hugs}}

One thing that does occur to me, OP - whisking your children back home is going to show them that you are going to defend them, even at personal cost to you, and that is an amazing thing for them to know. I bet they knew it before, but this has shown it 100 times over.

Sorry about your troubles OP. And I wish some people would understand that sometimes people really truly don't have anyone they could ask for help.

However, if your children are Years 7 & 9 then they could actually help. They are old enough to prepare meals and tidy and put a wash on with your direction.

Maybe just tell school what the situation is at home at present, so they'll ease up on homework (not a problem at this stage in the term).

And as another poster suggested, try SureStart to see if they can help.

They have gone to the shops to get themselves chips and some other bits. I am on fluids so I am limited in fresh food till internet shop. I hope that blowup is the total price we had to pay. Hopefully they will sort something out for tomorrow or I will take them for a pub lunch by taxi when I watch as I can't eat yet.

I am not ashamed of my posts, STDG. And I have reported your post for name-calling, bogeyface.

OP was stuck between a choice she knew was bad, and the choice to look for alternatives (and hang what SS told her, since she knows better). It is no surprise how her choice to stick with the 'devil you know' turned out. I think it is important for SillyPhase to take responsibility for that, and to realise that it was (and remains) within her power to look for alternatives (and there are always alternatives).

When you keep doing what you're doing, you get the same result. When you try something different, however difficult or hopeless it may seem, you get a different, maybe better result.

No we don't all always have alternatives cause believe it or not we don't all have endless friendships until you've lived her life you can't judge her.