Toxic Mother

[ASillyPhaseIAmGoingThrough]

I am a few days post op and having to deal with emotional crap Toxic Mother put on us. I took kids back as she didn't want them any longer so was fighting with the world in front of them, she loves a fight when she's unhappy. She's been nasty to her regular scapegoat gc. I said to kids when I got distressed text come home. I am expecting supermarket delivery Monday, and should be able to bash some food together for them, I wasn't expecting to feed them, as they were to stay longer.

I cut contact with her and others a few years back after counsellor taught me about abusive relationships, ex the kids dad was a big time emotional abuser, and not in our lives.

Things the kids told me, make me wonder how I survived as my Dad was not mentaly well and was abusive too. I realise having little to do with them how damaged and damaging they are.

Why say to the kids whilst swearing like a fishwife, your Father is a lovely Man? That annoyed me more than anything, she hated him when we were married and after... My Dad did that too when ex humiliated ds in public, infrint of abusive ex said he was great, yet before said ex was abusive.

I am so glad I don't spend time with them, I am v upset.

Dd was complaining at school to her friend she hates my mother, the fighting, swearing, racisim, hatred, gaslighting. She told my kids they would be pregnant next year, they are square and young for thei4 age, really and no boyfriend etc, year 7 and 9.

I asked ss for help with dc when I went to hospital, they said I had to use Mother.

Times like this I wish hide poster option was available. Again, there was no other option for two children for a week. Unless I did what my Mother did when she was in this position when I was 15 and leave them too it alone at home, not my style.

Ignore her she doesn't have anything nice to say to you

The nastiness of some MNers astounds me. Surely we are past attacking each other and should be supporting other women...

How was she supposed to "take responsibility" at a time when she is coping with two kids, a horrible mother, and facing serious surgery? Which may have followed a period of illness. Asking ss for help is not easy. If they refuse she did what she had to do knowing full well it wasnt ideal.

HotDAMN I normally totally agree with your posts - but this time you are totally out of order, and you really should be ashamed! How do you think OP feels at SS telling her she has to use her horrible mother for childcare????????? Of course she didn't want to! Some people actually do not have friends/rellies they can ask for care for their children for several days!

Just think on before you are so quick to pull up your judgey pants. (I'm actually very surprised that you have posted like this - after what you have been through)

I was only a year older than my oldest, my parents were divorced and she said she was just having a minor thing in hospital and would be home the same day. She never came home, I rang the hospital she went under a general and wasn't out by the late afternoon, news to me. I was self sufficent so didn't even tell anyone as I knew it would cause me hell if I did. I cared for a younger sibling too, who lives abroad now. I wouldn't do that to my kids. She never told my dad who was in my life who could have come over. He was useless but an adult. A few months later she left us to go abroad with her friend it was awfull, my sibling brought loads of teens around they trashed the house and wouldn't clean up, I had to as she would take it out on me. I was never wanted my kids weren't wanted this week, she is so fake she will be fooling everyone how great she is again now.

Is it a narcacissistic thing, that she doesn't want us, yet it is driving her nuts I wont tell her where I am moving to. I have to leave the area to get away, she harrasses me knocking on the door causing a scene, loud voice callling me nuts etc when I won't let her in, this went on for months till I threatened her with police, now she does occasional non looney knock. She was raging at the kids wanting to know where we are moving to, threats she was going to clear their accounts she has etc.

Out of me, ex and her I am the only one once they were old enough changed their account for them to control, not that its much.

I really am glad to be rid, now the raging at me, she will expect everything to go back to how it was, I kept telling her it won't.

You have proved to your girls that you care so much about them and can rise above it personally speaking when you grow up in a family where your not really wanted or cared about you do everything in your power to make sure it isn't repeated with your own children.

It was awful and now they're home. It'll be okay. Time to work out what to do next. In your case, that's probably rest.

I am resting. Just moving to avoid dvt. Kids relaxing after chips, they got me readjustment mags . It's just horrible I put up with what I did so long. Not long and some health issues I have will be not as bad, they won't go. If your a corrie fan, I have the same issue as Izzie, that caused problems one being like sleep apnea, it starved me of oxygen and caused very minor brain damage, depression, anxiety and other issues. I will also be moved soon, so the people who hurt me can't hurt me anymore to my face.

Should be trashy mags, darn predictive text. Kids screaming again and fighting, sigh.

At least I now know why ex and Mother got away with gaslighting me. I remember everything, I have lapses in recovering the memory, it will be recalled later, many people took advantage of me thinking I was stupid etc, I lost confidence until recently over it, when the chest Dr told me it was a relief. I wondered if I was going mad, I wasn't even dreaming. I am a little now that I get sleep and oxygen and anxiety went straight away. I dare not tell anyone in rl about brain damage, memory issue incase they take advantage.

I believe you, ASillyPhase. About your mum and your ex, and that you had no choice but to let your children go to your mum's. And I believe you are a good mother who is breaking the ties of the past and building a good future for your dc - that will be based on having your love.

Good for you Hotdamn. did it make you feel better? Do you think that it excused you being nasty to the OP by focussing on what I said about you?

Epic FAIL
She needed support and you slagged her off. Nice, real nice.

Oh and for the record, I didnt call you a bitch.

I congratualted you on behaving like a bitch. There is a difference.

congratulated even!

Morning phase. I hope you are feeling better and you got a good nights sleep.

I am sorry you were put in this position and it must be hard to be so sore and think that you have no one to help except a toxic mother. (been there but didn't understand at the time she was toxic)

Hotdams post read to me like they were taking the tough love approach. The reason I read it that way is because I have had some amazing friends take that approach with me and it was so helpful to get me to see that I wasn't helping myself and moving forward. I was wallowing in self misery and not dealing with it. They set me straight.

The difference here is that they are my best and most loving friends and if the same thing had come out of a strangers mouth, then I would have felt attacked. Which I am guessing is how you were feeling when you read those posts.

Someone said it up thread that having toxic parents really affects how you make relationships. I find it hard to make friends, but the ones I do have are small in number but the best in quality.

When you are recovered I hope you will be able to build a life without your toxic mother. (a very hard thing to do I know) A new address you feel safe in will really help you breath.

When you feel ready talk to your daughters, if you haven't already, about how you treat each other and why your mother is no longer in you life. I really advise you sit and have that conversation, link it to your ex husband and then link it to how it may affect their lives. Esp future relationships They are old enough to understand and they may have issues that you don't know about, that may then discuss with you.

Then start building up a new family of friends, who you would one day you would have no problems ringing up and getting them to pick up your kids.

Hotdams is right that you have a new life in front of you, with the chance to try things you never had the guts to try before.

And I am sorry hot dams if I read your post wrong.

Good luck.

Shame on those posters who have seen fit to kick someone when they're down.

OP. I also believe you. Be kind to yourself. You're doing the right thing getting away from all the toxic people in your life.

I hope your new life away from them will allow you the freedom to make some friends and move on with your life

I find it hard to believe that foster care wasnt an option. Do SS know about the situation with your mother?
I think the issue is that they were acting out of ignorance or that they didn't listen. I know that it is very difficult to be assertive when you are down but don't let them get you down. You know you are doing the right thing keeping them away from toxic relatives. Is it possible to get them to put a note on your file that they are not to be sent to your mother?

Morning. I had a good sleep. So far my thoughts are about filling the day ahead and I don't feel upset about our encounters again with my Mother, and raking up old hurts again. The kids said she kept complaining about how much work they were and that it was too much, they said they told her how hard do you think it was for Mum, she has us all the time, then the old. There is nothing wrong with her, stuff. I have had that off her and my ex, yet I, consultants, physios etc, dla have other ideas. I don't lie, and I do my best. I don't have to answer people who doubt me, they can take a hike.

OP it sounds like your kids have supported you in front of your 'D'M and you have supported them by taking them away from a situation that wasn't working for them at great cost to you in terms of how you are feeling. Your kids will remember this. They are rowing because that's what they do at that age and unfortunately this will be amplified for you because what you really need is peace and quiet. However, you sound like a really strong little unit to me, and you also sound like a great mum doing her absolute best under really hard circumstances. Keep going OP and hope you feel better soon.