Dh just not interested

[Longdistance]

I don't know where to start with this, but dh is spending more and more time without us.
We have 2 dd's 1, and nearly 3. We moved to Oz in October, for a better life, but that's turned out to be a crock of shit! Same shit, with sun!
For the past few weekends he has not been around. Last weekend, he went out the Fri night, and we planned to go out for the day. He rolled in 3am, and fell asleep on the sofa. The stumbled upstairs later, leaving me to sort the dd's out. He woke up still pissed, so I told him not to come with us, as full well know he'll get on my wick. My mil is over on her hols, and she wasn't impressed either.
Today, he left at 10.15am to go on a bus trip to a rugby game, and has left me with the girls again. It's now 10pm here, and he's still not home. He's gonna be hung over again tomorrow, and it'll be up to me to sort the girls again. He actually didn't tell me what time he was going to this game, went out, without saying a proper goodbye, and I thought he'd just gone out to get a newspaper 45 minutes later I ring him, and he tells me he's on the bus going to xxx
So, I'm dumped out on again life a lemon. I have no friends here at all, and I feel he's taking advantage of this. Before anyone says anything, I have tried lots of things to make friends, but it's not happening.
There have been some other issues in our marriage, but we seem to get them sorted, and then he acts like an arse again. He makes it so stressful for me at times, and that i want to tell him to f off.
When he has our girls, he won't do anything fun with them, he lays on the sofa watching rugby falls asleep and leaves them to it :(
Last Sunday, he just sat in the garden reading a paper, and when dd wanted him to play, he refused, and upset her. He then put the tv on for her in the kitchen, and left her with me. We have a park in the next street. He just can't be bothered to interact with them either.
We went on a 'date' the other nite, for a meal, and cinema. There were lots of gaps in the conversation, and it was very dull, movie was good though.
I am coming back to the UK for a 'holiday' next month with my girls, as my parents cannot travel for health reasons (dm cancer x3, and df has had two mini strokes since we moved), so I have to travel.
Am I right in thinking, that dh is just not interested in me, or dc, or am I paranoid? I can really do with this holiday as a break from him, as I think he's been incredibly selfish, and I can't stand that in a person!!!!

That sounds awful longdistance

He sounds like a single man with a wife and kids, rather than a married man.

It's only fair that a couple gets equal amounts leisure time and money to spend.
It's incredibly sad that he is not interested in your DD's.

did you move to Oz hoping for a fresh start from all this, and does he know that?

Does he know you feel like this? He sounds like a selfish tool, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say it's just the habit of selfishness he's slid into, and may be able to dig himself out.

This holiday at home may be heaven sent to you. If I was you I would do some research into the practicalities of moving back as a single parent. You may never use this information - but in a situation like this knowledge really is power. You can lay on the line for him the changes that need to be made in your marriage to make it better than the alternative. You will know what exactly the alternative is, so you'll be operating from a position of strength and independence. If he can cop onto himself all's well, if not at least you have a plan.

Are you both working ?

I think you need to stop letting him make all the decisions.

He decides what he wants to do and when.
You should tell him what you want to do - and do it!

You say that you have no friends, but you won't have if you're at home with the children all the time whilst your husband is out and about.

Have you looked into babysitters so you can go out together?

It sounds like if you wait for him to become attentive and fair, you'll be waiting for ever.

So demand it from him.

You are his wife, not his housekeeper.

Yes, he's doing that age-old trick of being married with kids but deluding himself that if he acts young, free and single he'll never get old. If I was to take a stab at his age I'd put it somewhere between 25 and 28. It's selfish, irresponsible and childish behaviour and, in your shoes, I'd be finding a lot of worthy stuff for him to do around the house at weekends (especially Friday nights) and making plans for yourself that involve him taking care of the children - even if all you do is go to the shops for the day. Either keep him too busy to go on any more piss-ups or lay it on the line that if he doesn't buck his ideas up, you're on the next plane home without him.

I don't mean to be all Leave The Bastard
It may not be necessary.

Just, there are three options - he cops on and everything's great
he doesn't cop on and you stay and life continues all shitey
he doesn't cop on and you leave - just to clarify for yourself what happens at this point.

I've recently quit my job to be a sahm yawn, as we moved out here in October, and was deciding what to do at the same time. We moved here for his job, which has turned out to be the same shit as his last job.
We visited Oz in 2010 for a hol, and I said, nice place, but wouldn't want to live here. He went to the offices here of the company he works for just for a nosey, and enquire, and a few days later got a call from them about a position. I wasn't happy about this, and left it at that. Months later he started laying pressure on me about it, and really bullied me into a decision. It was not a nice place to be. He was foul. He then persuaded me, that I would just be sitting on my arse on mat leave, so what else was I gonna do??? That his career was more important, blah, blah. I then gave up my job, that I loved, and he didn't even acknowledge that I left my company after 15 years :( just made me cry that
I'm at home with the baby on Monday, and am going to photocopy all financial things from the office, as think he's been hiding money from me.

Cogito, he's 40

Things are very bad then.

He doesn't have much regard for you at all, it seems.

Photocopy all the stuff, ask yourself what sort of life you want, career, family-wise.
Ask him to think about that question for a few days, and discuss it with you. He should at least do you the courtesy of that. His response will tell you a lot, not just the words but the manner.

Say nothing til you have done the photocopying though, better to a paranoid weasel in secret than left high and dry, if those are the choices.

Sounds bad. I am sory to hear you gave up your job, especially under pressure.
Do you love him ?

Can you sit him down for a proper talk ?

He might be really unhappy too. Can you all move back home ?

I want to sit down with him for a proper talk, but he always says I'm moaning, and that I'm miserable cos he made me miserable
I look back on my life before I met him. I was 4 stone lighter, and I was a size 12, an absolute fox. I had my own house, which i sold to move into his house as it was bigger, now my house too. I had the job I loved, which I could have done pt, I had my family, and friends around me, and his pulls the rug from under me for this move.
I'm now a daggy size 18 mummy, with no job, and a twat for a h. I look nothing like my former self, and I'm starting to resent him!

We could all move back, but he's reluctant to do it now, as need to do a yr, otherwise the company wants the money back for the relocation package, and then we have to pay for a container and flights ourselves. Our house is rented out til October this yr, and I won't be signing it for another yr. We have an extremly low mortgage thanks to me, and we are getting around £700 profit out of it, which none of it I see. I have asked for accounts, but he's been very dismissive saying he's using the money for us now. But, i don't see how, as we have money left over at the end of the month

What an awful situation. Have you tried to talk to him about it? I imagine he takes about as much notice in Oz as he did in the UK. The trouble with moving, is that you're still the same people, so same problems, just different scenery.

OOoooooo this is verrrry familiar.
OK. He may be going through a mid-life crises thing and could feel desperately lonely (despite his trips and going out) and trying to come to terms that the move down under was not what he expected it would be. So he could also feel guilty.

Whatever is going on, he is in denial about the reality of the situation (in that he has a wife and kids) and he's being very selfish.

Definitely get all financial stuff organised. But, IMO, he needs a BIG wake up call. When you come back to visit, give yourself some space, some you time if you can. Do not contact him for a bit as you are making things easy for him. He needs to do some thinking and some of the running.

I'm sorry you have found it hard to make friends over there. Try to get out as much as you can. You may also be holding back making friends as you haven't comitted to the move in your heart yet. Be strong for your daughters. He will either realise what he has which is great, or he won't, which is very sad.

Oh, and about the work? I really feel for you. I have done the same and no, it is not appreciated or understood. You were obviously good at what you did and the cream rises to the top, so hang in there. This is but a journey and you are experiencing a bumpy bit of turbulence and feel lonely. I am SOOO with you Longdistance.

We had a talk a few months back, and things did improve, but feel he lacks in communication badly. Something will happen that I need to know about, and he'll tell me days later. You wouldn't think we live in the same house. The evenings are spent in different rooms, watching different tv, or on the net.

Personally I would go home on your 'holiday', take all your paperwork and them stay there. Rent a new house and find a way to resurrect your career. Your DH is a selfish git and it sounds like he is fleecing out out of money that belongs to you as well.

Ha! I know that one. If he wasn't good with electricity, I'd create an electricity blow out so we'd HAVE to be in the same room, around a candle, and have no gadgets on. No tv, no computers, oh and no mobiles either. A bit like camping which I love (or used to before kids).

When you said you were comong back to the UK for a holiday I immediately thought Why go back?

I have now read all the thread and your husband is treating you appalingly.
He is spending family. He is with holding money from you and your children. He sounds like he has dragged you down to his level and bullied you. Get your stuff, your girls and go!

It is a 'holiday' as in, may NOT return!

Can I just say, and I don't mean this to be as bitchy as it sounds as your husband is a twunt but reading your posts you clearly have issues with him too that can't be helping the feelings in your relationship. How is it his fault your unhappy with yourself, you can diet, go to the gym etc. Why would you let any man bully you into a move you weren't happy with and why have you allowed yourself to be the one in the relationship with less control?

Just haven't a clue how that all happened Fox. It's like a little light just pinged in my head, with wtf????
I looked in the mirror, and was like, jeez, what has happened to me????

He's just walked in pissed out of his skull, hasn't said a word, looked through the living room door, waved his hand as a gesture of goodnight, and I said 'you can sleep in the spare bedroom tonight'.