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Original poster

Las Vegas stag do. Had enough and want him to leave.

52 replies

cloudbirdfeather · 07/07/2012 07:59

Been with my partner for 6 1/2 years. Have dd from previous relationship, dd with partner and am pregnant.

In the relationship partner had a drinking problem that ended up with him being hospitalised for two weeks and now due to liver problems cannot drink. Battled through that and have supported him fully.

His mate is now getting married and wants his stag do for 5 days in vegas.

Problem is we cannot really afford it and he has said he can't say no to his mate and is going.

We haven't had a holiday abroad as a family for 4 years and i just think he is being so selfish about the situation.

I think if his mate wanted everyone to go he should of chose somewhere a lot cheaper and throughout my partners drinking problem it was me who looked after and supported him fully. There was not one text, phone call or visit from any of his so called mates who he cannot say no to.

So we talked about it and i said i feel he is putting his mates before me and our family. We haven't been on holiday and why should the family go without so he can fund this trip. If the situation was reversed it would have to be a no and i wouldn't think twice about it.

He said he can't say no and is going whatever i say.

Have asked him to leave now. Just feel if he can't put us first then whats the point of being together. We need so much stuff for the house what the money could be better spent on and we're going to have a newborn.

I don't know - am i doing the right thing?

OP posts:
Celerychampagne · 07/07/2012 08:08

He does seem to be acting unfairly. Have you pointed out that las Vegas sober is likely to be a bit dull too? Can you offer an alternative to the stag do, why not use the money and organise a holiday for yourselves, it sounds like you all need a break but it doesnt have to be as dear as las Vegas.

marathonrunner · 07/07/2012 08:11

He is being completely unreasonable and good for you for standing your ground. This is obviously about more than just the trip but I hope that you stick to your guns as things don't sound that great for you.

Original poster
cloudbirdfeather · 07/07/2012 08:14

He won't budge. He's going and thats that. He has said we can book a holiday but all the previous years i have suggested it he has come up with excuses not to.

We will be even more financially worse off trying to fund two expensive hoildays. His will be £1500 - £1800 on a budget as it is.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 07/07/2012 08:18

He is a selfish prick, and you were right to ask him to leave. Has he?

He isn't putting his mate before his family, btw, he is putting himself before his family. His thinking is "I want it therefore I should have it". How it affects the family budget, and your prospects for a holiday... he doesn't give a shit.

You can bet he won't stay sober on that holiday either.

MrsBradleyCooper · 07/07/2012 08:18

I would be furious. I wouldn't have a problem with him going away with his mates if there were no other factors, but it does appear highly selfish.

And what's with the "I can't say no" - he's a bloody grown up man fgs, tell him he needs to grow a pair.

What did he say when you asked him to leave?

tribpot · 07/07/2012 08:19

A stag do for any recovering alcoholic is going to be tough. A stag do in Vegas almost impossible. A stag do in Vegas that you can't afford is a seriously stupid idea.

How long has it been since he stopped drinking? I worry he could start again, leaving you skint, pregnant and once again the only one around to look after him. Separating seems like a sensible step you can take to protect yourself from that given his unwillingness to compromise.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2012 08:21

What was his response when you asked him to leave?. Has he actually left yet?.

He sounds like yet another immature and entitled manchild.

KatherineKavanagh · 07/07/2012 08:23

They aren't even his true friends, as you say, where were they when he was so ill!

I feel for you. His attitude is awful. Do you rent/own? He won't be able to afford much at all when he has to pay maintenance for 2 children, I would remind him of this

Is the stag do costs going on credit card?

Gettheetoanunnery · 07/07/2012 08:39

I hate this new thing where stag dos are becoming luxury holidays. Dp has been invited to a 2 week stag do in shagaluff, I said absolutely no way! Luckily dp is glad to have a reason not to go as its not really his type of thing.

Well done for standing your ground, I think you are right to.
If you can't afford a family holiday then why is he swanning off to Vegas?!

Has he actually left?

HairyGrotter · 07/07/2012 08:46

A 2 week stag do?! Bloody hell, take the piss!

I would have done exactly the same thing, he is being utterly selfish, not taking anything else into consideration, finances, well being etc. He needs to grow the fuck up.

If you had the money, and no issues, then I wouldn't have a problem with it, but with all the other factors, he really is being a div.

ToryLovell · 07/07/2012 08:51

Agree with them ^. He is being ridiculous and selfish and you have done the right thing.

Lueji · 07/07/2012 08:51

You are doing the right thing.

I can only get worse if you agree to this trip.

He can't say no to mates, but says no to family holidays.

AlmostAHipster · 07/07/2012 08:56

You poor thing. I would do exactly the same in your shoes.

TheSpokenNerd · 07/07/2012 08:57

You're doing the right thing...he''s being awful. Hass he said he'll move out yet? So srry for you...being pregnant too.

AThingInYourLife · 07/07/2012 08:59

He has left you with no option.

You can't conduct any kind of functional partnership with someone who makes unilateral decisions about childcare, money or free time.

Or with the kind of spineless loser who "can't say no" to a mate but has no problem letting his children down year after year when it comes to providing a holiday.

Original poster
cloudbirdfeather · 07/07/2012 09:03

Hasn't moved out yet. Being extra nice atm. Just feel so sad. In my head i know its the right thing to do, i just couldn't do that to my family.

Being pregnant as well and the stress of it all can't be good for the baby.

Has a year to pay for trip so would mean us cutting back (me and the kids really).

OP posts:
Sausagedog27 · 07/07/2012 09:12

Hope your ok op. the thing that strikes me is that there was no discussion- he is going and that is that. I think asking him to leave is the best thing. If you do decide to have him back, do not cut back on stuff you need. It's a silly amount of money to spend, and of course he can say no to his friend- he just doesn't want to. Do you think he will start drinking again when he is there? There must be something driving this reason for going. Stay strong.

Proudnscary · 07/07/2012 09:26

Hi - it's very unusual for me to say this, but yes I think this would mark the end of my relationship if I were in your shoes. Because this says so much about this man.

I am all for staying together where kids are involved and not thinking the grass is greener - life and relationships are tough.

But this is so depressingly, breathtakingly selfish and immature. No family holidays and a FIVE day trip to VEGAS? Fuck THAT.

I would also be concerned about his sobriety - him with a selfish, thoughtless bunch of guys who didn't even acknowledge how serious his situation was when he was in hospital.

Proudnscary · 07/07/2012 09:27

I'm really really sorry you are going through this by the way x

Xales · 07/07/2012 09:34

Your P is being very selfish. There is no way that you and your DC should go without so that he can have a 5 day jolly without you and your DC even getting any benefit from the cutbacks to make this possible.

It isn't just £1,500 - £1,800 either. It's how much he gets through once there spending money in casinos too, nightclubs, exotic dancers for the stag do. Sad

Personally I would be telling him to cut the extra nice as he has made it clear how unimportant he considers me and our DC and being extra nice now is just plain insulting.

He has decided he is going the extra nice is not going to change this.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/07/2012 09:37

Sorry. Sad

You are doing the right thing. You have nursed him through alcoholism and ill health. Now he cant give a fuck about you and the kids, and what you have put up with supporting him through, to spend family money on partying in Vegas.

It would be the end for me to.

I think you should make him start packing. He can move in with his mates, seeing as they are so important to him.

I would also be extremely sad and hurt that he does not seem to have any self insight, any empathy and any idea how selfish and absurd his actions are. It is madness for a recovering alcoholic to go partying in Vegas for a stagdo. He is really taking the piss.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/07/2012 09:38

"Personally I would be telling him to cut the extra nice as he has made it clear how unimportant he considers me and our DC and being extra nice now is just plain insulting."

Totally

Insulting, that is what it is. All of it.

chocolatepuff · 07/07/2012 09:40

Hi op just to say I agree with all above posters, and I commend you for standing your ground. You sound like a strong woman who doesn't put up with any shit.

Take care and we are here x

imatwat · 07/07/2012 09:50

I hate these holiday stag do's. Just been on holiday myself and there were loads of stag do's going on and all I can say is I wouldn't want any partner of mine going after witnessing what goes on. There were men with rings on their fingers behaving appallingly. To provide balance, I'm sure there were women doing the same so this isn't a point about men but about holidaying as if you're single - bound to cause temptation to those with low resistance.

AThingInYourLife · 07/07/2012 10:11

He's not being "extra nice".

Normal nice is not making your wife and children go without so you can take expensive foreign holidays on your own.

If he can't manage that, then anything else is just meaningless bullshit.