Las Vegas stag do. Had enough and want him to leave.

[cloudbirdfeather]

Been with my partner for 6 1/2 years. Have dd from previous relationship, dd with partner and am pregnant.

In the relationship partner had a drinking problem that ended up with him being hospitalised for two weeks and now due to liver problems cannot drink. Battled through that and have supported him fully.

His mate is now getting married and wants his stag do for 5 days in vegas.

Problem is we cannot really afford it and he has said he can't say no to his mate and is going.

We haven't had a holiday abroad as a family for 4 years and i just think he is being so selfish about the situation.

I think if his mate wanted everyone to go he should of chose somewhere a lot cheaper and throughout my partners drinking problem it was me who looked after and supported him fully. There was not one text, phone call or visit from any of his so called mates who he cannot say no to.

So we talked about it and i said i feel he is putting his mates before me and our family. We haven't been on holiday and why should the family go without so he can fund this trip. If the situation was reversed it would have to be a no and i wouldn't think twice about it.

He said he can't say no and is going whatever i say.

Have asked him to leave now. Just feel if he can't put us first then whats the point of being together. We need so much stuff for the house what the money could be better spent on and we're going to have a newborn.

I don't know - am i doing the right thing?

In your shoes, I would have given him that ultimatum too

I don't really like ultimatums but this one is quite clear it is a straight choice between Las Vegas and respect for his partner/family

Keep your heels dug in, and do not change your mind

If he goes to Las Vegas, he gives a very clear message that his family is not his priority

Sorry I think your doing the right thing. Vegas is soo expensive and there is no way he could go there for 5 days and not drink then come back and expect you to pick the pieces up again while his mates magically disappear

He is being soo selfish if you can't afford it then it should have been a no straight away not I can't say no so in going, it will be you and your dc that suffer for the next year on cut backs so he can go and you get nothing from it but grief

Sounds like he's being extra nice because he thinks you'll cave and get over it and he can still do what he wants and your protests mean nothing, you need to do what's best for you and your kids x

I just asked DH "What would you do if one of your friends asked you to go on a stag do to Vegas next year?"

He said first of all, he wouldn't be able to afford it and he would rather spend the money on me and the kids. Secondly (and I have to commend his honesty here), he said he wouldn't want to be in the situation where he might get dragged into doing something that he didn't want to do.

And that just made me think, if your dp can't say no to the holiday, then what else will he be "unable to say no to" once they get there?

What is he like normally - is he a selfish person generally? Is he easily led?

Can't add anything to what's already been said. Totally selfish behaviour and I'd definitely be leaving him if he went, baby or no. Do you really need to be coping with a new baby and a seriously unwell alcoholic (which is the likely scenario if he goes).

Also, you really have to remember, he CAN say no, he just doesn't want to! (He is managing to say no to YOU, afterall!)

No effing way should this man even be considering this ill advised trip.

So many reasons, all given already.

Sorry op, it does leave you in the shit but stick to your guns on this one. And do remind him of how many Vegas trips he'll be able to afford when he's paying for two houses.

What a complete twat, so sorry it has come to this for you op.

I'd need to ask, 'did you see this coming'? Not that it;s your fault, but...people who drink to the point of hospitalisation DO behave over the years as 'isolationists' and only concerend about where the next drink is coming from. I am pretty sure you and the little one have 'gone without' for a long time to finance his drink habit. So saying' fuck you and the kids, I'm off for a jolly time, and I may get hospitalised again but I'd rather do that than stay here or go on hols with you and the children'.

I rarely stray into Relationships, and obv. even less post 'dump him',
but here I am..and dump him. IF you have the strength, even whilst pregnant, your quality of life will improve.

and no he isn't being really nice atm - he is trying to be clever, when he is actually taking the piss.

Does he control the purse string OP? Hopefully not, and therefore I'd seriously think about whether you and the kids should suffer for his fuck-wittedness. I would carry on on you usual budget and not scrimp and save for his benefit.

Plus presumably you'll have new baby needs. Speaking of which, where exactly will a newborn fall into this plan? Will he be jetting off on his jolly leaving you with 3 kids, one of them tiny with all the sleepless nights that implies.

Really not on

I have to say, purely from a health point of view, my DH would be very worried about me going off on a two week piss-up in Vegas. I'm also in recovery having been ill last year but not to the point of hospitalisation. I would consider it a very serious risk to my sobriety (in a way that a two week family vacation in Vegas wouldn't be, although it wouldn't be my top sober choice even then). I would be very concerned myself about how I would manage that long, even with a group of friends who were sympathetic to my situation (which mine are and his clearly aren't).

So all other factors aside, he is playing roulette (arf) with his sobriety and his health. I would be deeply concerned about the effect of this on you, even if you weren't pregnant, you could afford it and he wasn't being monumentally disrespectful in just announcing 'no discussion, I'm going'. You've lived with an active alcoholic. I'm guessing you don't want to live with that again. You need to do what he's doing: look out for yourself (and the kids, in fairness). He wants to risk drinking again - fine, but not under your roof.

agree with tribpot - i have been sober for 2 years and enjoy life greatly, however, the thought of trying to remain sober, the effort involved while watching everyone else, full-on, for a whole week, sends shivers down my spine!

as to the money situation, i agree with other posters, he is a selfish arsehole and you are doing the right thing, he is putting his own 'wants' above you and your dcs.

jesuswhatnext - this is the point, isn't it? You just wouldn't do it because it's like an ex-smoker taking a holiday on a tobacco farm. I honestly would be surprised if he could last the flight sober - I do find travelling one of my 'trigger' activities because I used to do it a lot and 'everyone' drinks on long journeys because they're so boring.

I had to decloak and register for this one.

Rather stereotypically (I'm male) I see a massive practical problem with his trip. Health insurance. If he declares his health problems then his premiums will be high, and they possibly won't cover him for anything related to his liver. If he does not declare and gets hospitalised through drink/ liver then they surely won't. At that point you are facing 1000's in medical bills.

Also has he got any drink related convictions? If so he may not be able to travel under the visa waiver scheme ( depending on what they were for).

Plus he sounds like a pathetic, petulant man-child.

Agree with all above that he is being a prick. Well done you for standing your ground. It must be horrible but he sounds very immature.

Good points, Old

agree with everyone else, and just wanted to add that you're doing the right thing OP. But what happens if he changes his mind and says he isn't going (if they're not going until next year then he does have time to do this)? I'm sorry to say that he's shown his true colours here.

I just have to echo what everyone else here has said. Even if he does retract now (which I doubt he will) he has made his intentions and priorities abundantly clear

I think that you should be quietly planning your exit strategy and prioritising yours and the children's needs now. Sorry OP

Me too I am hating these mini holidays and then paying for the wedding day and the B&G requesting money as a gift the whole thing as gone too far!

This isnt the first time I've heard stories like this when men have said they are broke you they have xyz stag do's to attend - surely we live in a world where sensible priorites take effect and people are intelligent to work out what are families needs.

You cant attend these do's if you dont drink - end of! These do's consist of drink, strippers,clubs, casinos etc.

I would review the relationship as a whole and consider if staying is the right move, it must be difficult to gave the guts to leave but life is too short sounds like you've done your bit.

The points old make are valid. I know someone who had an ambulance ride and check up in hospital over in the good old USA and the bill was in the TENS of thousands. For just that.

If he has problems whilst he is out there, or a relapse. Then he's screwed. Insurance is going to be very expensive. As the risk is high and the treatment costs over there are astronomical, as everyone has insurance.

I read your op and was a bit worried about what the replies would be because I've had a similar situation recently.

My dhs friends were all off on holiday and wanted him to go. Nothing as lairy as vegas! Problem was that we haven't been abroad for 7 years. Or rather me and the children haven't. My dh gets to go away with work, its not fun because he's working and he's only there a couple of days. But i do get envious as he at least gets to experience a foreign country however briefly.

I've had a rough time over the last few years and would love a holiday. We can't even remotely afford it.

There was a big part of me that didn't want to stop his fun but it just didn't seem fair. So i told him how i felt and he agreed, although was disappointed. Mostly that our financial situation doesn't allow for holidays.

He made no fuss about it though and told his friends he couldn't afford to go.

Still feel bad about it!

As my Nana would say there is more than one way it skin a cat....

Roughly he needs to save £200-£250 a month to be able to go on this trip.

Sit down with him and the household expenditure and then strip out anything that is his. Gym membership, ciggies, nights out with the lads etc etc.

Basically if he's going to Vegas he gets nothing else for a year.

Btw I think you should give him a shock and boot him out. Parting shot would be telling kids sorrymo prezzies this year, Daddy's going to Vegas....

Agree with the consensus on here. Love your post rowanhart.

I just wonder where the current crisis is if these OTT dos still go on.
It's madness.

I'm just thinking that if you leave he may not be able to go anyway due to maintenance payments. At least if he doesn't cut down on his spending anyway.

Any updat cloudbird? X

You're quite right, cloudbird, he should use that money for taking his family away somewhere (£1800 could buy a decent holday).

Everything related to weddings seems to have gone completely crazy these days, including OTT Stag and Hen dos abroad. I was invited to a work colleague's 5-day Stag in Wrocław last year, but turned it down on the grounds of expense. Plus I know what it'd be like once there with strip joints and so on. Not my cup of tea at all. Much rather spend the money on DW and DS and me having a good time ourselves ;-)