Why aren't I happy?

[FaceLikeThunder]

I'm struggling with this at the moment.

I have 2 beautiful, well-behaved, healthy,funny children, and a wonderful partner who can't do enough for me. I live in a nice house, quite enjoy my job, we're always skint, but there are more important things.

I just can't seem to be happy.

I'm constantly stressed, and on the edge of rage pretty often, although I rarely lose my temper. I'm a snappy cow, but I try to keep it under control, can't always manage it though

I just don't know what the fuck is up with me. I'm alright at work, but when I come home, I get the miseries almost immediately. Everyone in my house gets on my nerves half the time, I feel like I don't get nearly enough time to myself (even though I do really), I'm tired all the time, and to be honest, I feel like if I had to live with me, I would probably hate me atm.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not always in a terrible mood or anything. I just want to be happy and excited about stuff again - nothing makes me nervous, or excited, or passionate any more. I just can't seem to muster the strength of feeling for it.

I feel kind of...... muted. I've thought that I might be depressed, but I've had a couple of bouts of depression over the years, nothing major, but I know that I hated antidepressants, and would really not want to take them again.

If you knew me irl, you would have NO CLUE about any of this. On the outside I'm just a little bit quieter than I used to be.

Does anyone know what I can do to inject some.... feeling into my life? Does anyone else feel like this?

You sound thoroughly exhausted and run down.

What do you do to relax?

What do you do for yourself? Any hobbies or interests? When do you have fun?

What is your relationship really like? Are you absolutely sure there's no bitterness or resentment anywhere? Do you spend quality time together?

what was your childhood like OP?

I promise I'll be back soon to answer your questions. Just need half an hour in the bath!

Maybe you have got everything you thought you wanted in life and it turns out to be alot of work and not quite as idyllic as you had hoped.

Or maybe you are just fedup, but not wanting to admit it to yourself, with constantly looking after everyone else and wish it was the other way round once in a while.

Or maybe a bit depressed.

You see, May, that's kind of how I see myself. But I don't know what to do about it.

I am mostly exhausted, Jean - but a lot of that is my own making. I stay up stupidly late every night, because I'm so in need of time without children after being at work all day. And I get up early, so I'm always feeling tired. At the weekends, I struggle to find energy - I could honestly just sit on my arse for the whole day. I don't though, I do stuff with the kids, DP and his kids, and all that malarkey.

I read, I surf the net, I bake occasionally, have fun with everyone, DP and I get the odd bit of time to ourselves too, go to the cinema, out for dinner and stuff sometimes.

Our relationship is a good one. We are on the same wavelength, we get on really well, and I love him. He adores me, but I feel like if I carry on like this, I'll end up driving him away. His children stay here 3/4 nights a week, so we often have all 4 of them all at the same time, they are 15, 11, 7 and 6. Fuck me, it's hard work.

Is it possible that this is just simply tiredness? The stress and rage you're talkng about - that could well be caused by constant lack of sleep.

Try sleeping for twelve hours and then seeing how you feel. :)

oikopolis..... it was alright, you know. Parent divorced when I was 6, both remarried when I was 7, both divorced when I was about 17, and then both remarried again when I was in my 20's.

Quite liked school, had party 20's, met dd's dad and had her when I was 27. We split up 9 years later, when I met and married STBXH and had ds. We were together for 5 years.

I've had some great times in my life, and I wouldn't really change anything. I loved my life in the main.

I consider myself lucky to have all that I do, and I count my blessings a lot. I'm very much an optimist, as is DP, but that sort of feels like it's slipping away a bit. I'm starting to have quite a few bouts of negativity, but I can't seem to feel any different, no matter how hard I try.

My mum has breast cancer, she's had a mastectomy recently and is about to start chemo in a few weeks. But I felt like this before all that happened, I know I did. It doesn't help, admittedly! But I am very good at block and deny, and compartmentalisation.

I wish I could explain better how I feel. I just want to feel sick with excitement about something, but nothing excites me all that much any more. Does any of that make sense?

Sounds very much like depression to me. Even if you really don't want to try antidepressants, could you talk to your GP at all? They might be able to come up with some good suggestions. Or maybe if you didn't get on with ad's in the past there might be ones better suited to you that you could try. In the meantime be gentle with yourself. I know that when I'm very short of sleep i get very low.

I think you're probably massively shattered too.

I am too, and also very good at block and deny, and compartmentalisation, so probably good to talk to the Go about depression. Like you I reallywouldn;t want to take ADs.

I can feel the difference the constant lack of sleep is having. On the rare days I feel rested I'm so much up for playing with DS etc.

On that note I'm going to go to bed!

Do you do any exercise? Spending a couple of hours a week doing something that raises your heart rate and makes you work hard will give you a flood of natural endorphins, will give you some productive 'me' time and will probably encourage a decent night's sleep. Taking up something that requires learning a new skill, such as martial arts or yoga will give you a bit of mental stimulation as well.

Is it that you're an introvert and family life is not giving you the time to yourself that you need to feel energised and recharged? You're spending most of your time with other people and meeting their needs, which is making you feel drained and angry/resentful?

What you describe really fits with depression - the sense that everything is basically ok but you can't get above a low level of emotion, you can't get excited or interested in things, funny sleeping habits, bursts of anger and negativity. It's up to you how you want to deal with it. Exercise is a good suggestion, though it has to be quite vigorous and regular to have a sustained effect. You could also go to your GP and see what he/she says. A lot of people don't like ADs but IME they can be very very useful to get you beyond that rut of feeling shit so that you can start to take control of things again. For me ADs were like someone put a little bit of petrol in my tank, without them I'd be permanently on empty and going nowhere. They're not the solution by a long shot but I do think they're a good starting point.

Have you talked to your DP about how you feel?

You sound tired and a bit depressed to me, Try going to bed earlier and taking some exercise. And see the GP, ADs can work and there may be different ones. Good luck.

Face, I tend to lurk and not post, but this was me a few years ago. Go to your doctor. You seem depressed. I didn't want ADs so they suggested Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Best thing I ever did. I'm now able to work through my moods etc. CBT made me see that I wasn't seeing the wood for the trees; putting too much on myself, and to let myself and my family off every now and then! I'm not Ms Happy but I'm defo better and better equipped. Hope that you get some help, good luck.

Go to your doctor and explain how you feel. You don't have to go on anti-depressants if you don't want to, there are other things that can help like talking therapies, but don't rule out the AD. Also maybe ask for a bit of a check up to make sure that there isn't a physical reason for how you're feeling like low iron levels or hypothyroidism if you still feel tired even when you do get sleep.

You are going through a lot at the moment with your mum's illness and a divorce(?). You're also holding down a job and raising your family, maybe you are taking on a bit much at the moment and need some support yourself? Even something as simple as making sure the whole family is doing their fair share of the housework/cooking etc could help if you've been picking up their slack.

You haven't said exactly how old you are now, but is it possible you could be approaching the menopause? I don't know anything about symptoms or that, but maybe others do. Sorry if I'm way off with that one!

Be gentle with yourself and try to find somethings to do that you enjoy, even if its just going out for a coffee with an old friend or watching a silly movie. One of the main symptoms of depression is not being able to enjoy things you used to though, so do get that checked out. Take care.

Wow OP I could have pretty much written your post.

I'm 27, and I've felt like you for 10 years since the birth of DS.

In constantly tired, snappy, irritable, short fused, and quite frankly, I wouldn't live with me. Im fine at work, don't get exhausted really, happy, chatty etc. But as soon as I come home I revert to grumpyarse.

I generally get enough sleep. I sleep to much if Im honest. Over the course of a week, I probably average 10 hours sleep per 24. Some nights I only get 5 hours due to shift patterns, but I definitely make up for it elsewhere. I can easily sleep for 16 hours.

Now I'm pregnant, so I'm not going to do anything about it, because it will just be put down to antenatal depression I'm sure. But it isn't, not when I've felt this way for 10 bloody years!!

I'm interested to read the replies to the thread. But I wanted you to know, you are not alone in feeling this way!

Hi,

I have no experience of depression but I do identify with a lot of what younhave described.

When I'm like this, the things that I want to do (siting around, watching TV, general mooching) don't help.

I second the advice about exercise, even if it's just 20 min walk in the fresh air.

Also I make a list of all the things I want to do, from big things tiny things. Seeing them crossed off reminds me that things have progressed.

Also, force yourself to go to bed earlier. Sleep makes you feel so much better. Maybe listen to a meditation cd in the evening?

I'm so sorry about your Mum, it may be affecting you more than you imagine.

For people feeling like this what are your diets like? Anaemia is very common and so easily fixed and I tend to view carbs as something that need a little bit of planning so you aren't swinging from high to low energy levels. My DH was very run down and irritable and much to his disgust is now allowed very little caffeine and dairy (GPs advice).

I often see mums here who knock themselves out looking after their families but don't take proper care of themselves. It's odd but I think you need to be a bit selfish about taking care of yourself in order to be the best parent.

I notice you have put this in relationships. Is it possible that you think on some level that your feelings are caused by something lacking in your relationship?

Are you on the contraceptive pill? Have you have your thyroid function tested? The pill can really mess up women up - it ruined my entire 30s, and I really do mean ruined. An under active thyroid can cause that muted walking through treacle feeling of exhaustion.

Op is there something that you always wanted to do in your life that you haven't done yet?

Re: anaemia. My hb is 14. It's always 14. something every time it is tested.

I've sometimes wondered about getting thyroid levels checked. But I've a feeling this was done in the past.

OP - WaitingForMe beat me to it! Was going to suggest examining your diet as my XP (who suffered from ME) was in a similar predicament. Have a medical check-up first just as a precaution.

Our energy levels rose dramatically after changing our diets; followed the advice in Lesley Kenton's "Raw Energy" and another book about anti Candida Albicans.

Hope all goes well for your mother. Best wishes

I saw a documentary about depression years ago (a serious BBC thing rather than reality show tripe).

They looked at ways of treating depression without antidepressants, but changing lifestyle instead. They had a group of people who had been diagnosed with depression, and they got them to make changes in their lives - all had to take up a hobby and exercise regularly. They all felt significantly better by the end of the program, and presumably a more lasting affect than ADs as getting to some of the underlying causes.

You do need to take this seriously. Your feelings matter! Make plan to make some lifestyle changes. Stick to it for say four months, keep a diary and see if it makes a difference.

1. Stop the late nights. Easier said than done, I know - i tend to stay up late as it's the only time i get to really unwind - but it's part of the problem (for me and you) as it's actually damaging your health.

1. Make more time to do interesting fun things, with DP and friends regularly. Could you get a babysitter and go out once a fortnight as a regular thing? You need to feed your soul! Also, are you finding time to read books at the moment?

1. Take up something that is just for you. An evening class maybe?

1. Exercise, regularly. Sign up for something and do it! (you could do this with one or more of your DCs if that helps timewise).

1. Take up yoga. I'm not really an exercise-type person, but I find yoga gives me a real sense of well being.

1. Look at your diet. Are you eating sensibly, really? Here's one small tip. If you eat something bitter before eating a meal it helps your body digest food better, if you do this all the time, it can stop you feeling sluggish. By something bitter I mean something like rocket maybe. Bitter things make your mouth water, which increases your stomach juices, which then makes your body produce insulin. This chain reaction helps your body digest food better.

1. See your doctor and talk to them about depression.

If you look at that and think "ha! I couldn't possibly fit all that into my life - there is no time!" then I think you may have some of the answer, you don't really have enough time for you at the moment. You do need to recharge your batteries - by getting enough sleep but also by taking care of you physical and emotional well being.

If there isn't enough time for you to look after yourself properly, can you start to make changes so that there is?

I agree with everyone's suggestions. Everyone needs a bit of joy in their lives, do you ever think Yay, can't wait for this or can't wait to see that, and have something YOU want to do to look forward to and take part in.

As a mother even holidays away can be a chore, there is so much to think of.

Have a good think about what you really would like to take up, not what there might be nearby or something that can be fitted around everyone else. What do you want.