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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

has anyone successfully moved on after their OH had an affair?

33 replies

MOSagain · 06/07/2012 16:30

Can you put stuff like that behind you? I find it hard to believe it is possible as I think you'd always have it in the back of your mind that if they've done it once they will do it again. What when they say they are working late/away on business?

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MusicForTheMasses · 06/07/2012 17:13

I wanted to, but couldn't help but hold a little piece of me back, and it was wasted energy anyway. The problem is you will ALWAYS be suspicious of those working away moments. That's not to say it couldn't be done though. You are in shock right now, you need some time on your own to gather your feelings to work out just how you feel. Keep posting on here because you will get help. xxx

Lueji · 06/07/2012 17:19

Not been there, but a one night stand I might, not an affair.

MOSagain · 06/07/2012 19:13

Thats the point music I would always be suspicious.
I think if it had been a one off 'acccident', ie bumping into an old flame and it happening and him being full of remorse I might be able to forgive. However, it appears he booked a business trip back home (we were living abroad), he emailed her (used to work together years ago) in advance of that, arranged to meet for a 'drink' and ended up in hotel. He then went to a hotel with her a few days later and did it again. I could almost understand if he'd done it, and immediately afterwards felt sick with guilt and confessed. He didn't though, he did it again and then allegedly after the second hotel visit realised he shouldn't have done it and then tried to hide it for years.

He knew how strongly I felt about lies adultery as my first husband committed adultery. He only seems sorry now in that he got caught out. Bastard Angry

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MadAboutHotChoc · 06/07/2012 21:41

A lot depends on how he is working on himself and helping you recover.

Can you tell me what work he has done so far?

Is he open and honest, willing to talk about what happened? answer questions etc?

Is there transparency - do you have full access to his mobile, emails etc?

He has been to therapy and done any reading to identify what was in him that justified the affair and to work on his character failings (e.g selfishness, entitlement etc) and weaknesses?

How is he establishing his boundaries?

How was the relationship before the affair - was it a happy one?

RightFedUp · 06/07/2012 22:40

I think some people can but it's so very painful that, if I had my time over again, I probably wouldn't try. Sad

blueshoes · 06/07/2012 23:23

How did you find out?

familyscapegoat · 06/07/2012 23:29

Yes we have.

I think it depends on why the affair happened and what your partner is willing to do to examine the issues that were in himself that lead to the affair.

The affair happened a good few years ago now, but we'd been married 20+ years when it did. It was a very brief relationship that was mostly conducted by text messages and phone calls, although the relationship was physical. My husband had more or less ended it when I found out so it was no loss for him to end it properly and have no further contact with the other woman. He also became instantly transparent not just with future behaviour, but with everything he hadn't deleted while the affair was ongoing.

I was profoundly shocked because we'd always had such a happy marriage. But my husband insisted this had no relevance to our marriage. He admitted instantly that the problem was him and that because he'd been having a bad time at work (feeling massively stressed and under-appreciated there) this had been an escape from the pressures.

We didn't do joint counselling, because the affair wasn't about our relationship and that had only started getting problematical after the affair began. We both felt we had the skills to repair the damage caused by the affair but for us, it was more important that my husband had some counselling on his own, to find out why this had happened. He had a great counsellor who was straight-talking while being supportive. My husband found it invaluable to join-the-dots and see how his behaviour had links with his childhood, when certain personality traits were formed.

It was therefore essential that he changed his behaviour and attitudes and I was very uncompromising about what I needed from him, to stay in the relationship. He fought tooth and nail to change and to keep me. He personally apologised to other family members and our adult children, for the pain his actions had caused. I guess he walked the talk and I judged him solely by his actions, not pretty words.

It's a hard and painful decision to stay with someone in these circumstances and I'd never recommend it to someone who is doing it for any reason other than love e.g. staying for the children or out of fear of being on one's own. I'd also not recommend it to someone whose partner is blaming them for the affair, something my husband never did - no more than I would have accepted it either.

We're even happier now, mainly I'd say because of the changes my husband made to himself. The trust has been completely restored and although it might sound strange, I trust him more now than before. He's learnt so much about himself and his own boundaries, that there's no way he would ignore all the warning signs that are always there before an affair starts.

stargazy · 07/07/2012 07:25

What a lovely post Family.We went to joint counselling early on post discovery - DHs idea which meant a lot to me.However tbh I felt a bit resentful throughout but buried it because I felt we'd essentially had a good marriage and it was more about him and his vulnerabilities at the time.Felt a bit patronised as if 'there,there - this will make you feel better'And for some time set my recovery back.Have discussed all this since.
However on balance It was a big thing for him to go to any counselling.It did improve our communication which I thought was good but is now so much better.And in hindsight there were areas of my behaviour that needed working on too.We are both still a work in progress.But I finally see if I thought we were happy before, we are and will be so much happier in the future.So yes recovery is possible with honesty and communication.

Lastofthepodpeople · 07/07/2012 07:40

Yes. It all really depends on whether you both want it to work. It was eight years ago for us now, and I can't say I've moved on completely. I still have trust issues. However, in many ways (and this will sound odd) it was good for our relationship in that we are a lot more open and honest with each other now. I do think counselling is key, though.

MOSagain · 07/07/2012 08:29

Madabout will try to answer your questions.
He has done nothing to try to make me forgive him. I only found out yesterday lunchtime and he came home from work and we had a very heated argument. I think he is just annoyed he got caught, in fact my teenager daughter heard him say as he was leaving 'I thought I got away with it'.

He is NOT open and honest. He has hidden this for, I think, 2 years but won't say exactly when it happened. Apparently he can't remember which I find very hard to believe. I had suspected for quite a while and in December I remember going into the study and he'd left his laptop open on the desk where I was getting paper from and his facebook page was open. There were several 'chat' messages from a few women which I considered rather flirty. I raised this with him and his first response at 6am the following morning was to close his facebook account which I thought was a rather extreme reaction. Turns out that one of the women he was flirting with is the one he had the affair with. He commented yesterday that although allegedly he hadn't seen her/had contact with her since the affair he did contact her then (around xmas) to say that he thought I was 'onto it'.
He is a liar, a born liar. He has hidden this for years and I believe that he has continued making contact with her although no idea if he has seen her/slept with her again.

No access to his mobile normally. A few months ago I was suspicous and did check a few times when he was in shower but nothing other than stupid texts to a guy he met at work who is into the same stupid cars as he is. (45 year old thinks he is 25). He doesn't know but I have got access to his email and although I'm ashamed to say it, I have been checking it occasionally over the past 6 months as I knew deep down something was or had been going on. I have no doubt thought that he has set up a new email account as there is no trace of this woman on either of the two accounts I know about.

We had been going to counselling since March once a week and I thought we were getting somewhere. There was one particular thing that was a big issue with me and we'd talked in the last week or so about having a trial separation as it was something I was struggling to deal with (not adultery). The night before last I was up most of the night thinking that I might be able to put that thing behind me and try to make it work but I needed 100% honesty from him as that has always been a huge issue with me.
I had an 'odd' feeling yesterday morning and had to email to ask if at any time during our marriage he had had a relationship with anyone else. He replied along the lines of I'm not seeing anyone NOW and moaned how I was always going on about this and why didn't I believe him. I then replied and said AT ANY TIME? and after a few more cadgey emails he replied and said he 'saw someone he knew from work a few years ago a few times and that was all'. Still no admission so I phoned and said did you fucking sleep with her and he finally admitted he did. Understandably I was devestated and still am and I just can't see any going back as I'll always be wondering if he is telling the truth.
Our counsellor asked me to go on my own last week and he is due to go on his own this coming week then we were going to have a final session together the week after. Not sure if that will happen now.

What I can't understand is how he didn't even try to console me and beg for forgiveness etc and just seemed annoyed he'd been caught.

I stupidly thought we were happy before the affair. I know things have not been brilliant the past 2 years but with hindsight I think its because of the guilt of his affair and his lying to me. I have commented a few times that he was emotionally withdrawan and had changed and of course now I know why. He claims not to know when it was but I believe it was when our youngest (now 3) was very small and not long after my mum died when apparently I wasn't giving him much attention.

Am gutted. Have been on here for years and am normally giving advice to people in this situation. I feel a complete fool and stupidly I think I actually still love him. I really miss my mum and wish she was still here Sad

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RuthlessBaggage · 07/07/2012 08:39

Yes, we did, but only because he came clean. He was appalled at himself as he realised what he had risked.

As a direct result, and as a condition of reconciliation, I have all his email/facebook etc passwords, with snooping permitted, and always will. He does not have mine.

And for the year or so thereafter he was only allowed to do the thing he had used as cover if a trusted friend was also going - this is the friend he had confided in, who had told him he was an idiot - so that I could be confident that was actually where he was going, and check if necessary.

It did fundamentally change our relationship though. It identified the weakness in it, and showed me what is likely to split us up eventually.

If he hadn't acknowledged the wrong and the hurt then we would not still be married. I'm sorry that he is being an arse about it, and hope you can feel comfortable with a decision soon.

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/07/2012 08:40

So sorry Sad

He sounds like a serial cheater and has shown a complete lack of remorse and respect. In fact he is taking the piss out of you and his marriage.

I would see a solicitor to find out your rights legally and financially and take things from there.

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/07/2012 08:45

And yes I would agree that it has been going on for at least two years.

Please remember that none of this is your fault - he made these choices.

He comes across as arrogant, entitled and selfish, typical character traits in a cheater - the 'I thought I had got away with it' comment shows that there is no way you can trust him ever again Sad

MOSagain · 07/07/2012 10:10

I know you are right Madabout I have had trust issues with him for a while now for various different reasons but can't see there is any going back even if he did show any remorse which he has not.
He is very selfish and I'd put that down to teh fact that he was single and lived on his own for a long time. He has always put himself before me and the kids. Funnily enough, when I saw our counsellor on my own the other night she asked if he had been bullied at school which he had. She also gave me an article to read about aspergers and suggested he might have that. Not really looked into it too much as events yesterday escalated but have to wonder if he has got it and whether that explains some of his actions.

LOL about finding a family lawyer. Before he persuaded me to give up my career to move abroad for his workd I was a divorce lawyer. Just shows he is a complete fuckwit, you don't fuck with a divorce lawyer Wink

I am finding myself going between being angry and devestated. Just went to gym for a very hard workout and felt good then started sobbing in car park.

Thanks for listening, it really helps. Rather ironic in that for the past 5 years I've given advice on her to women in my situation and now its my turn Sad

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MadAboutHotChoc · 07/07/2012 10:16

Had to smile at the fact that you were a divorce lawyer - your H is even more of dickhead :)

No wonder you don't have trust issues - often cheaters are practised liars and will have lied about other things.

Whatever his issues are (e,g the bullying/asperger's), these are for HIM to resolve and there is nothing you can do about these.

I am pleased you are taking care of yourself - the situation will take its toll on you physically as well as emotionally.

AnyFucker · 07/07/2012 10:16

Mos, I am so sorry

You husband sounds absolutely horrible

I don't believe that it is possible to come back from such disrespectful behaviour towards you....not just while the infidelity was happening but mainly because of how he is treating you now

he doesn't sound like someone who thinks he did wrong, is sorry about how much he hurt you nor that you could trust him to not ever do it again

save yourself love, he isn't going to help you with this x

mumnosbest · 07/07/2012 10:21

i think it depends on the affair. was it emotional or physical? 10 years ago dh had an 'affair' in that he slept with the same girl several times. we'd been married a couple of years and had drifted apart a bit. he came clean and i know he felt nothing for her. this helped as i felt less betrayed. 10 yrs later i completely trust him and a repeat of this never even enters my mind, although it did to begin with. it also helped that he was honest about what hed done and wanted to work on our relationship.
if hed been emotionally involved with someoneelse i think things would be very different.

mumnosbest · 07/07/2012 10:35

sorry i just read the whole thread. your situation is very different. even if it is possible he isnt worth it. you deserve so much better and tbh sorry but he doesnt sound even a little bit sorry.

i think you need to move on. be proactive. put your divorce lawyer skills to good use. you'll feel more confident if you are in control of what comes next. dont give him any power or choices and we'll all be here to hold your hand x

MOSagain · 07/07/2012 12:11

Thanks everyone, it is helping having somewhere to vent, have to try to pretend everything is ok at home which is getting very very hard.

I'm struggling with wanting to do what I've always told clients not to do. I want revenge, I want to take an axe to his precious stupid car and want to track her down and rip her throat out. I've limited myself to sending her a facebook message yesteray afternoon saying I'd just found out about her affair with my husband, would be issuing a petition on his adultery and would be naming her as the co-respondent. I would always advise clients against this course of action but couldn't help myself. She is married too and her actions have destroyed my life so I wanted her to be scared her husband would find out and have a shit weekend wondering. Of course I won't really do that, I will need to put my sensible hat on next week and won't name her but I just couldn't let her think she had got away with it scot free. She knew he was married Angry

Christ, I've turned into the sort of client I found really hard to deal with. What is that saying, a litigant in person has a fool for a client?

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MadAboutHotChoc · 07/07/2012 12:33

Have you got real life support?

MOSagain · 07/07/2012 12:38

I've told two close friends but its the weekend and they are doing family stuff with their lovely trustworthy husbands and children Sad

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skyebluesapphire · 07/07/2012 12:44

Sorry you are going through this, but I love it that you are a divorce lawyer. Hit the twunt where it hurts.

I couldn t petition on adultery as no actual evidence, but still named her for inappropriate contact as part of UB. My solicitors decision Grin.

RightFedUp · 07/07/2012 13:13

MOS I'm sorry this has happened to you. I wouldn't make any hasty long-term decisions in the early days of finding out. He may also change his tune once he's had time to get over the shock of being found out.

Sorry if this sounds flippant - it really isn't meant to - but if you do end up dumping him and getting your career back, you will be a SH*T HOT divorce lawyer having gone through the mill yourself - like a midwife who has had a difficult birth herself or a SEN teacher whose own child has difficulties.

RightFedUp · 07/07/2012 13:15

Oh and I completely get your wish for revenge. I wanted to take a baseball bat to the pair of them for ages still do

But you'll get others telling you how important it is for your own self respect, to retain your dignity. Hard to do though.

noddyholder · 07/07/2012 13:19

It is never the same ever. The suspicion eats away at you and you hate yourself because you know you are accepting second best and would advise your friends to walk but think its good enough for yourself. The thing about your mum is low my ex said similar about my health whereas my current dp has never mentioned it and is with me no matter what. Expect better x