has anyone successfully moved on after their OH had an affair?

[MOSagain]

Can you put stuff like that behind you? I find it hard to believe it is possible as I think you'd always have it in the back of your mind that if they've done it once they will do it again. What when they say they are working late/away on business?

However much you may want to preserve the marriage (once you get past the shock/wanting to drop kick him through the window) HE has to want to save it too, and not just because he wants an easy life but do as familyscapegoat's dh did. You might eventually be able to forgive him and love him again but underpinning any good marriage is trust and respect. It's that that H has to rebuild. He shows a lack of empathy for your devastated feelings, there is an absence of contrition for what he has done to you and the dcs, nor has there been a pledge to do whatever is required/however long it takes...The selfishness/putting himself first that allowed the affair to happen in the first place is very manifest.

And just because of your profession, it doesn't mean you need any less RL and MN support [[[[hug]]]]

My h was quite a bit like this, and for years too.

Actually, I do think this kind of cheater shares a few characteristics eg

• often high achieving

-high self confidence masking low self esteem -quietly manipulative (try looking at the list of manipulative behaviours on wiki- it was an eye opener for me) -willing to lie ad nauseam, even in couple counselling -often a bit 'aspergers-ish in some ways and obsessed about their own interests/needs/hobbies -often pick wives with better careers /quals than themselves (status- chasing, not that they'd admit it).

Of course, it isnt uncommon when kids come along to end up sacrificing your own career and over promoting theirs, not least to be able to go part time so that you can juggle the many responsibilities that Mr Selfish wont share.

Anyway, that was me, too. However, mine has changed a fair amount, as he knew I was going to leave him otherwise, and infidelity was just one of the things on my RElate counselling starter for ten list of complaints.

My best advice to you is to start thinking about what YOU want in life, and less about what he is and is not. If he doesnt measure up, and seems not to want to, then the infidelity is just part of a wider pattern of selfishness that he refuses to acknowledge because he doesnt want to change. In my case, managing to prise the truth out of him eventually after years of lies about his infidelity was the catalyst for him to finally stop fucking about and manipulating me and to sort out his issues. I am not saying he is 100% different- he can still be defensive and also selfish- but he is a lot better than he was, by miles.

If your h will not do some of the things which Madabout suggests, then he doesnt care about you that much or, just as bad, he is simply unable to see beyond himself, his past pain, and his own needs.

What kind of future does that leave you with?

I hope you manage to talk all this over with your counsellor.

And yes, the poster above who said it is bloody hard in any case to rebuild trust, is spot on. Eight months on, I still find it difficult.

That's a very astute list fiventhree - much of that fits exH, in fact I've C&P and emailed it to myself! I've often looked back and tried to pin-point and failed where the signs were (thought we had a very good marriage) but that is him almost him to a T. The only thing I wouldn't say was that he was a liar, in fact it didn't matter what he did as long as he was 'honest' about it I didn't think him manipulative but am intrigued now to see if he indeed was but I just didn't see it.

I've looked on Wiki, but couldn't find it - would you be able to link?

Apologies for hijacking your thread Mos, how are you doing today?

morning all. Thank you so much for your comments and support, it means a lot to me.

Today I am not going to wallow in self-pity. Today is a day when my thoughts are with a fellow Mner, expat whose darling daughter lost her fight for life during the night. She was 9 years old. Let us all forget about our various complaints and problems which pale into insignifigence at a time like this. Little princess, you are in my prayers. RIP

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation#How_manipulators_control_their_victims

Another point I would like to make, which relates more closely to the thread title:

Although I would never have chosen to suffer the pain caused (and still felt) by my h's infidelity and betrayal, I don't regret the consequences of it. A trauma of this sort allows for a frank and clear reassessment of a relationship, especially over the ensuing weeks once you have got over the initial shock.

So, for example, I would never have been so clearly aware of my h's manipulative behaviour if I had not been reassessing after the discovery, and therefore, for example, I wouldn't have been able to have understood so many of our past relationship behaviours and rows as clearly as I do now.

And if he slips unintentionally or unthinkingly (old habits die hard!) these days into partial manipulation (see list and some of the links they refer to), I can spot it immediately, point it out and refuse to engage with it.

I think some may look at that list and see a few things which their h did not do, and dismiss the list. For example, my h has never been either violent or threatening. However, when I showed him the list four months after the discovery of the infidelity, he shook his head and laughed, and agreed that it was really quite an accurate portrayal of how he had lived.

Also, if it does fit for you, I did find the next section useful, where wiki discusses the types of weaknesses in victims which manipulators can exploit. I was able to recognise myself in that list, and be mindful of it in my own self development.

I realise you are not posting today, MOS, but hope you are coping OK.

OMG fiventhree that is my STBXH to a T, both what you said above and the link you provided. I am best off out. xx