Newbie needs advice Dominance/submission

[lifesaboxofchocolates]

Hi,
please be gentle this is my first ever post on the internet, and I will probably waffle on and make no sense at all !! :) but work has been very quiet in the last couple of months and trawling the internet I found this site ,and I find some of the advice on here to be really helpful and enlightening to some of the issues I sometimes have.

I'l give you a bit of background on me, I've been with dp nearly 2 yrs, I do love him to bits, but it has never been an easy relationship sexually.

The first time we dtd he struggled to keep his erection, this was then a frequent occurance thereafter with him not saying a word,and me not saying anything for about 6 months either but feeling rubbish with him just rolling off me saying nothing , when i did eventually mention it he says that talking about it puts pressure on him and that I come across demanding, anyway I've learnt to accept this happens sometimes, but we had a conversation last night which has thrown maybe new light on things,,,,

I bought 50 shades of grey and was joking whilst reading it in bed that apparently chapter 7 is where it all starts ! - he takes the book off me and starts reading it out loud - in the book theres a list this dominant man gives her saying what she can and can't do whilst having sex with him.

So dp is reading it to me and afterwards says well I think thats perfectly acceptable I find it a real turn off when a woman trys to dominate me, and you've got some stuff to learn to in being submissive !

He said that if I move during sex or look like I'm going to initiate a change of position, then it instantly turns him off . he said he was once with a woman who said to him 'f**k me harder' and that turned him off and he just stopped and didn't want to continue, also another woman was moving when he was taking her from behind and he got annoyed with her as he wants to feel manly etc..I got the impression of how he was speaking that this dominance issue has been whats causing his performance/erection probs, and if I just keep quiet and let him do what he wants when he wants then there won't be any problems.

I really would appreciate some opinions here , should I be having warning signs that this is strange behaviour? or does anyone have a man like this out there?

Red flag alert.

if I just keep quiet and let him do what he wants Would that be out of the bedroom as well as in it?

Would this be occasional or is this what he wants or expects all of the time? What about your sexual preferences and pleasure?

If he wants to dominate all of your couplings in this way, it sounds as if he'd be better off with a blow up doll and you'll be better off with a 'real man' who gets turned on by his partner's full participation in the act.

so he wants you to lie still and and he can only climax when its all about him? doesnt sound very fun for you lifesabox.

did you ask him outright if his dominance thing is the reason he loses erections?

This is going to sound blunt, but I think he's full of shit. I've been with plenty of dominant men and this losing-erection-unless-the woman-does-exactly-as-I-want business is rubbish. He's blaming the woman he's with for the fact that he has erection problems rather than dealing with them himself with counseling or a doctor. Going by his count you're at least the third woman who he has found fault with for not having sex the way he wants it. He sounds very selfish, to be perfectly honest- not being allowed to move or express pleasure or anything like that is rotten. It's not fun if you're being emotionally blackmailed and guilted into it.

I think the only thing this has thrown light on is that he will always blame the woman he is with for his erection problems, framing it in dominance terms in order to make it sound more legitimate. The part of your post where he blames you for being demanding was ghastly. I'm wondering if he has less of an interest in dominance/submission and more of an obsession with his woman doing things the way he wants with no compromise and pretending that this is part of it. This is NOT how loving, giving person with an interest in dominating their partner would behave.

He doesn't have any interest in his partners pleasure, based on what you've said so far, and I wouldn't want to stay with someone like this.

sorry but that is not what a healthy sex life should be like, thats an unhealthy sex life. Does he have other positive attributes he brings to the relationship?

I'm no expert but the things he is saying don't sound like dominance/submission to me, they sound like the rumblings of a very inadequate man trying to blame you for his issues, sorry . I don't like the sound of phrases like "you've got some stuff to learn..." etc. What's he like outside the bedroom OP?

Thanks for replying :) ,, he's different out of the bedroom not dominating at all, its troubling me that sexually this is the only way he can get turned on and want me, I really think that it doesn't occur to him that I might have different ways to feel nice, he said ( when we were talking about that book and dominance etc) ' thats what all woman want tho isn't it ' I said you'd be suprised - and that some men don't just want a woman to lie there doing nothing'

I've never come across someone like this before ,

I don't think it's much of a sex life if he wants you to be quiet and not move an inch....it is supposed to be a mutual thing!

I agree with the other posters.

(My knowledge of BDSM is purely from 50 shades)

But it sounds to me that necrophilia is what he is after. No interaction at all!?

Sorry I just replied to the first reply and just read the others , I am so grateful for the advice I feel a bit scrambled in my head these days.

Yes chocolatepuff he said that he would stay turned on if he felt completely in control, and if he does happen to lose it then I should then go along with things instead of reacting and looking concerned ,

and yes he's a nice guy outside of the bedroom, but I just want a nice sex life , I was with an anorexic guy for 10yrs before dp and he had such body issues I had a really dysfunctional and infrequent sex life then, I'm beginning to take it all personally

Hi Life

If I may put my two penneth in ..

Years ago I was a Domme Dominatrix, and what this guy is talking about isnt anything to do with sub/dom more he couldnt care less whether you was there at all mentally or other wise.

He mentions no permission from you that is if he see's you as the sub, and no safety measures. words etc, in actual fact shows you no respect what so ever.
Believe it or not a Dom worships the ground his or her Sub walks on because of what they give them in return.

This man is just a controlling shit who is better off lurking through a morgue somewhere as what he wants is possibly someone no longer breathing

Oh and having just read your shorter post he would be ostracised from any scene or club, if he said any of this out loud, theres rules and ettiquete and he doesnt know any of them. I'm inclined to worry about the darker/nasty side he's hiding, and will expect his face on crimestoppers very soon.

On the other theme of your relationships choices and men, Ide sugest some counselling to see if there are some patterns being repeated and where the stem from hun.

all the best

Ermm D\s isn't about the woman 'just lying there' there is a whole construct around power exchange that involves mutual respect and a whole lot of trust. D\s, just like vanilla relationships, is about both parties getting what they want and need from the other just... in a different way. Is he at all interested in what makes you tick? He sounds awfully self centrered and judgemental. Sorry OP.

I wonder how many more men like this are going to use that Fifty Shades of Shite as an excuse to start a conversation to blame their partner for their own problem either directly or indirectly.

from what you've said op he sounds very selfish and disrespectful of you in the bedroom. someone's anorexia and body issues is not your fault or because of you. just like someone who is controlling and selfish in bed (your current 'd'p) says nothing about you.

Staying with him and putting up with it does however, say something about you, that you have low self esteem and feel you deserve this shit. i second the recommendation of counselling.

you deserve a loving, mutually pleasurable sex life!

Run.

Run like fuck.

And never ever look back.

He's an arsehole, get rid. And I am another one who is actually into BDSM and I wouldn't have anything to do with this knob even if I was the subby type. Which I'm not.

To engage in BDSM sex, just as with any kind of sex, you have to consider your partner and discuss what you like and don't like, and work out ways to ensure that you both enjoy what's going on. He wants to make sex all about him, which is the definition of someone who is basically shit in bed.

your replies are really helping me, i thought i might get people saying that its normal ! he has always blamed me in the past for his erection problems,saying he can't compete with my orgasm, and that i moved an inch just as he was about to cum and that stopped him, also if ( and this is rare) if i do orgasm when he's inside of me - tmi sorry ! Then he seems to pull away from me and variably loses it then to.

Bloody hellfire- so your orgasm is part of the problem too?

I'm really sorry you've ended up in this situation and with someone like this, because it's very confusing to be told that you are the problem and it's you that needs to change. But it's definitely 100% him, and he is a horrible person for trying to make you believe that it's you. Those kinds of headgames have no place in any relationship. He's treating you like you're a vagina with an inconvenient person attached with a pesky sexual autonomy of their own that he has to train out of you. You can definitely do better and find someone who respects you and your needs.

OP, take it from us, this man has a lot of problems and he is trying to blame you for them. At first it looks as though his problems are physical, but actually it's because he is so utterly messed up that things are like they are.

You know you deserve a lovely boyfriend, don't you? Equally, you know he is not a lovely boyfriend and never will be.

What kind of man doesn't want a woman to move an inch in bed? What kind of man BLAMES a woman who moves an inch in bed?

You really should get rid of him. He's absolutely awful.

Are you sure you didn't post on this before? It sounds awfully familiar.

Aw, honey, your sex life is crap. How can you possibly love this man 'to bits' when a vital bit of him undermines your sexual confidence and enjoyment?

Even if you're exceptonally good at compartmentalising various aspects of your your life, your lack of a satisfying sex life is no doubt adversely impacting on your emotional welfare and wellbeing.

If he can't get his rocks off because you breathe move, tell him to cut a hole in the fence and stick his dick in it

O deary me. How many times do I write words to this effect? If your man doesn't enhance your life, get him out of it and find another.

Run. Escape as soon as you can. You'd probably have a lot more fun without him there.

First of all, don't read Fifty Shades of Grey. That book is shit. So shit, and its just going to continue you thinking that sex is all about a dick.

This man sounds awful. You can do better.

hi imperial, no i havn't posted before, i wish i had about 2 years ago tho - wouldn't be in this predicament now , u guys are brilliant, i never even thought i'd get a reply ! is it worth talking to him or i guess a man never really changes?

It's not worth talking to him.

Not being funny, but if a man blames you for ruining his sex life by insisting on moving the odd inch, he's really not interested in your opinion as to why you want to end it.

I'd be pretty vague and just say it's not working out for you.

I agree with Imperial.

Talking to him would be a waste of energy and only upset you and/or drag you into the relationship when you should be running in the opposite direction.