Newbie needs advice Dominance/submission

[lifesaboxofchocolates]

Hi,
please be gentle this is my first ever post on the internet, and I will probably waffle on and make no sense at all !! :) but work has been very quiet in the last couple of months and trawling the internet I found this site ,and I find some of the advice on here to be really helpful and enlightening to some of the issues I sometimes have.

I'l give you a bit of background on me, I've been with dp nearly 2 yrs, I do love him to bits, but it has never been an easy relationship sexually.

The first time we dtd he struggled to keep his erection, this was then a frequent occurance thereafter with him not saying a word,and me not saying anything for about 6 months either but feeling rubbish with him just rolling off me saying nothing , when i did eventually mention it he says that talking about it puts pressure on him and that I come across demanding, anyway I've learnt to accept this happens sometimes, but we had a conversation last night which has thrown maybe new light on things,,,,

I bought 50 shades of grey and was joking whilst reading it in bed that apparently chapter 7 is where it all starts ! - he takes the book off me and starts reading it out loud - in the book theres a list this dominant man gives her saying what she can and can't do whilst having sex with him.

So dp is reading it to me and afterwards says well I think thats perfectly acceptable I find it a real turn off when a woman trys to dominate me, and you've got some stuff to learn to in being submissive !

He said that if I move during sex or look like I'm going to initiate a change of position, then it instantly turns him off . he said he was once with a woman who said to him 'f**k me harder' and that turned him off and he just stopped and didn't want to continue, also another woman was moving when he was taking her from behind and he got annoyed with her as he wants to feel manly etc..I got the impression of how he was speaking that this dominance issue has been whats causing his performance/erection probs, and if I just keep quiet and let him do what he wants when he wants then there won't be any problems.

I really would appreciate some opinions here , should I be having warning signs that this is strange behaviour? or does anyone have a man like this out there?

This doesn't sound good or normal at all. And I say that as someone who quite likes a bit of role play and being submissive. The 'sub's' pleasure is important as well, in fact often that's what it's all about! Otherwise it's just bad sex.

I don't think this is anything to do with dominance/submission, I agree that it sounds more like he either has erection problems, or even that he's just not attracted to women but in denial about it. Either way, I don't think it's your fault or your problem.

He doesn't sound dominant. He sounds rubbish.

IMO he either has erectile problems and needs to see a gp, has used way too much porn in the past and can't cum having normal sex with a partner or is gay and hasn't come out!

Sorry to hear you are unhappy op, I would speak frankly with him and either encourage him to visit a gp or tell him you simply aren't willing to put up with this for the rest of your life! This isn't your fault!

Absolutely what nymeria says. DP loves a bit of dominant role play type stuff, but is equally happy with the plain old vanilla sort too.

Too much of either would probably become dull for both of us. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where sex is so restricted to one type of activity, particularly if it's doing nothing for you!

This is definitely his issue, and not yours. I'd get rid unless he addresses it properly.

Whatsusiedaisy said. When I read the op my immediate reaction was that he is possibly gay and really struggling to come to terms with that, hence the wholly inappropriate suggestion of how he would like sex to be. I.e. deeply unpleasant for you.

What will it take to get him out of your life? Are you living with him? Do have a joint tenancy/mortgage?

Two crap sexual relationships in a row is bad luck but, boy, are you in for a treat when you encounter a guy who doesn't have hang-ups in the sack

Hathor posted something upthread:-

Run.

Run like fuck.

And never ever look back.

I agree wholeheartedly.

This dom/sub thing is just an excuse to shut you up from having any expectations of him in bed. He's got issues - whether psychological/physical or sexuality wise and clearly can't function in a sexual relationship with a female. As other posters have said, run for the hills.

An emotionally mature man gets pleasure from seeing his partner's enjoyment of sex and from her enthusiastic participation, an emotionally stunted and selfish man wants her to lie there like a blow up doll while he "does" sex to her. HTH.
In short, he sound like every kind of wrong.