Things your ex has said that haunt you

[peppapiglet]

ok, so Im trying to get over ex who was abusive in the end.. awful. just awful.
anyhow, i just thought I'd share some of the things he said to me. whilst preventing me leaving his place.

"to spare a thought for him while i am f*ing someone else"
"i am a hooer"
"i chewed him up and spat him out"
"i am a pussy cat"
"he would have been happy being a family man but i have converted him the other way"
he advised "since his divorce he had loads of offers"

he made me feel uneasy whilst i was eating, he dominated and overpowered me and i have gone from being confident to depressed. the relationship lasted 13 months and i unfortunately got pregnant by him, however lost the baby early on.
his ex wife restricted contact with his ds, something i tried to support him with, along with his MH issues. he got into debt, got medically paid off by his job whilst i was with him. he hated me going out, he hated my friends even though he hadn't met them yet. he shouted in public and made a scene and i was so embarrassed and wondered how i got myself in that position.
domestic violence was mentioned in his divorce, however he was genuinally sorry about this and was seeking help. it was a one off incident (or so he said)

so he said all these things..however to be fair he wanted to make our relationship work but he almost stalked me, became possessive etc.

he started smoking and drinking a lot. he was gorgeous looking and a true charmer, i almost question myself when i look at photos. its very confusing.
anyone experienced similar?
after being with exh over 10 yrs i had my eyes opened, i feel naive, stupid and confused and in fear of men.
so how do i get over this and the things he has said haunting me?

Well reading what he said I'd put it down to him being a total twat, most of the comments are really rather laughable, seems like he couldn't make his mind up what to call you, one minute a whore the next a pussy cat?? to be honest and you having a lucky escape OP.

a lucky escape - enjoy your freedom

You don't put any stock in what he has said. My ex has called me a whore on more than one occasion in the past, in the car, with my 7yr old DS there. Do I believe him to be correct in his assessment? Hell no! He has made a mess of his life and his opinions count for nothing, as do your ex's. Pay no heed to anything he has said. Let his importance in your life fade away, then the significance of what he has said will fade too. You will stop doubting yourself and believe in yourself with time.

Really wish i want so upset by the insults, yes a lot of contradictory things said. i am a "pussy cat" made me feel like i was nothing then on the other hand he said i had a strong personality. i wish i understood why.. i hate someone seeing me this way. maybe he didnt want to let go and get hurt and he was angry. But he said quite early on he would" haunt me for the rest of my life if i cheated" i never would or did. his ex wife did though, maybe he wasnt over that... :-(

mine said id made him change, i made him get a job and give up smoking weed, think they are good changes but he doesnt what a twunt!!

domestic violence was mentioned in his divorce You went from confident to depressed within a mere 13 months of being in a relationship with this tosser. I suspect his wife was at rock bottom of the abyss when she got shot of him.

it was a one off incident Is that a herd of flying pigs winging their way homewards? Of course it wasn't a one off - and he wasn't, and isn't, sorry for anything or anyone except himself.

his ex wife restricted contact with his ds Sensible woman. I hope she can continue to enure his malign influence doesn't taint her ds.

however to be fair he wanted to make our relationship work Sure he did... as it long as it worked in his interests.

Read your post again, honey. The man's an abusive, controlling, lying twunt.

Nothing he says can be believed and you'd be a fool to let anything he said haunt you.

Chalk it up to bitter experience. Disregard anything he told you and rejoice that you're free of him.

Spend some time getting to know yourself and restoring your confidence before you embark on the dating scene/another relationship.

hi izzyizin
you have responded to some of my other posts too thanks :-)
he told me his ex wife was on the floor screaming at him, spat at him etc and she "dissapeared for a week" or his words "went into hiding"
i have never met the woman but i have heard her putting him down, being EA to him on the phone and apparently she "attacked him" and he phoned the police
i didnt have anything like this with my exH, it just didnt work :-( divorced after 2 yrs separation and straightforward more or less.
she is telling people he is a "wife beater". i think perhaps it is a bit of the two of them.
he was very convincing.. hmm, just so confusing.. not my problem however it still lives in me

Those statements may haunt you now, but someday you'll just see them as proof of what an inadequate little shit he is, and then some day a little after that you won't even think of those statements at all, so insignificant will he have become in your life.

Well OP my ex (of 12 years now) rang me pissed the other day telling me he was going to come to london to "get me" due to me reminding him he hadn't seen is son for nearly a year. Sent me texts calling me a cunt and allsorts.

The stupid inadquate vile man. Next day I text him asking him what time I should expect him.... SILENCE.

OP, these people talk shite honey.

You know what 13 months with this tosser did to you.

Imagine what you might have been like after years of his crap. Add dc into the mix and you might have lost the plot too.

Whatever he may say, or you may think, it's highly unlikely his ex made him into an abusive twunt whose mission is to control the women in his life.

Once a cunt, always a cunt, eh, MissF?

Absolutely Izzy

For me it's 'I want to kick his f**ing head out of this room!' Which was about our 6 day old DS. The abusive things he said about me have faded away with time but that statement just won't disappear.OP I can only reinforce what others have said, be glad you got out after 13 months.

My ex wasn't abusive but, at the end, he listed the many reasons he didn't like me and why he was leaving (to be with his new girlfriend). They included... "The way you dry your hair".... As I don't have some complicated Winehouse type do I'm still baffled by that one tbh.

Should add in answer ... "so how do i get over this and the things he has said haunting me?" Tell yourself that the bizarre lying says far more about his psychoses and neuroses than they it does your personality. Like an angry wino raving at a pillar box...

thank you. when i was pregnant all of my instincts said NO. but i was thinking about the little baby and wondered if i could do it alone (i already am with ds) but to be honest i didnt think i could live with him being in my life forever. he is the type who would deliberately hurt and make you "pay" so to speak.. the decision was taken away anyway.
mwmns, i cannot believe your ex said that to you. it is making me sad that so many of these men exist.
i have started questioning myself, and wondered what i did/could have done to prevent it, probably to be more assertive or when the red flags are there and gut instincts are unsure to get away quicker. i tried to but he wouldnt leave me alone, so i went through months of him turning up.
izzizin
yes i nearly lost the plot recently anyway and it has definitely taken its toll
i thought i could handle it and ease him off. i wonder what he truly thinks of me, i dont know why. i wonder if he thinks HE has had a lucky escape :-(

OP unless some sort of mind reading invention occurs no one will EVER really know what another person is thinking.

true Mrs F, Im dwelling, all part of getting over it i think....

Yes, sweetheart it is and you will.

Whatever he thinks of you, you can be sure he's telling the next person the same as he told you about his exW. Both of you will be painted as awful people, making his life miserable. Eventually, someone will work out that the common denominator is not the women but him

You did nothing wrong and you probably couldn't have acted quicker. Most normal people's starting point is to assume that other people are as normal as they are. If you are normal, like to see the best in others & are generally optimistic and well-balanced, the signs of psychosis that seem so obvious afterwards are not all that obvious at the time. 'We all have bad days' etc. You'd spot it in a heartbeat next time around, however.

These people can't be 'eased'. They have to be swatted.

Oh honey, they say these things to make them feel better about themselves because they can't admit ever to being in the wrong. My abusive ex told everyone I broke his penis

Hi PP....deepest condolences for the loss of your baby.

I read your thread and a shiver went down my spine. You see my ex-H said exactly the same things to me. The thing is, he was convicted of a domestic violence offence against me (it had been going on for 12+ years before I finally plucked up the courage to call the police). I became a virtual prisoner in my own home. My handbag and phone were checked daily. I was not allowed any privacy. He even saved up my panty-liners in a box and would write the date on each one. He got a 'semen testing kit' from the internet and used to check them for signs I'd been with someone else. When I came home from doing the weekly shopping he would have written a list of all the shops I went to, the time I went in and out and a description of anyone I spoke to. I never found out if it was him following me or whether he got someone else to do that.

I am the mother to his one DS. The court restricted access because the man is so highly volatile and unpredictable. Ex-H also makes up the most terrible lies about me which are almost laughable because they are so untrue. There is a restraining order in place which means he cannot contact me directly or come within a certain distance of where I live and work.

He was also medically signed off from work and ran up loads of debt. It's been 16 months since he committed the offence and was convicted (suspended sentence). Part of his sentence was a specific court order to make him attend appointments to diagnose whatever mental health condition he was suffering from. He was also alcohol dependent.

I thought the similarities were striking. He has a regional accent so "whore" always came out as "hooer". Regardless of whether this is the same man or not, it's obvious you will be much happier without him in your life.

I still jump at every loud noise and have trouble sleeping (I have nightmares and don't want to take tablets). But 16 months on I'm slowly rebuilding my self esteem. It helps no end to see my DS so happy, relaxed and confident.

I find that it helps to take each day as it comes rather than looking too far into the future. That seems too daunting for me right now. Talking to people makes a real difference too (no-one knew about the domestic violence, not even my family).

Good luck.....:-)

Oh goldierocks you've been through a dreadful ordeal of physical and psychological torture.

(((hugs)) and for you. It will get better... keep taking it one day at a time and the day will come when you will see a long and happy future ahead - and that day will arrive sooner than you may think.

I should also quickly add that I've not spoken to my ex-H for 16 months. I will never get the image out of my head of him describing in great detail how he was going to kill me and where I would be buried. Our DS was in the next room at the time.

Ex-H wasn't shouting - he was talking in a loud but very slow, calm voice (he was very drunk). I was crying, but said nothing at all. Looking back I think I was in shock. I called 999 and left the phone off the hook so they could hear. The police arrived as he was on his way to the kitchen (I'm assuming to get the knife he said he was going to use). Thankfully he didn't get that far.

The domestic violence had been going on for over 12 years. The really sad thing is I probably would have still have had ex-H back except for the fact this was the very first time he'd kicked off with our DS close by. It took that night for me to realise that ex-H was a potential threat to DS too. I would never, ever let that happen. I know to look at my DS that I did the right thing.

You've had a really rough and horrible time with this man. Nobody on this thread will feel anything else but sympathy for you and horror at the monstrous things he has said to you. You have to look to the future and think he will not be able to say hurtful things to you again. And look forward to meeting somebody nice and kind. I sometimes think of a mean x I had and think well glad it's not me still putting up with him.