Do you persevere with someone you don't fancy?

[akaemmafrost]

If they are doing all the "right" things, are thoughtful, text, phone a lot, offer to do nice things for you. He's doing everything right, but I just don't fancy him. Can't summon up any enthusiasm to see him etc.

I was with someone I think I fell in love with earlier this year he was Mr Wrong, made little effort but was funny and amazing in the sack and I fancied him like mad!

Maybe I am still hung up on him I think about him an awful lot.

Mr Perfect On Paper doesn't get a look in. What the hell is wrong with me? Before those two was a bloke with red bunting everywhere but thanks to MN I realised and dumped him fast. Before that was abusive 10 year marriage ex. I think my radar is reset but it sure as hell makes meeting a bloke I actually fancy very difficult.

Just rambling really.

I think you need to get over Mr Wrong first.

I suppose it's not only men who get the thrill of the chase.

With Mr Wrong you felt happy when he came to you.

With Mr Perfect On Paper, maybe you need to do some chasing and miss him?

Yes definitely still hung up on Mr Wrong, get the stomach jump when he pops up on FB.

Mr POP just seems to try a bit too hard, nothing is too much trouble. If he stopped texting or calling I don't think I would be bothered.

My romantic life is a shambles. I look younger than I am so attract younger men who are not at my life stage (Mr Wrong) and the ones who ARE my age are either committed elsewhere (while still trying it on ) or too Try Hard like Mr POP.

It's all over for me isn't it?

I don't mean to whinge and it's not like me but I just feel really depressed about it tonight.

It's not like I am desperate for a relationship either, I was totally alone and loved it for two years. Then I met Mr Wrong and it all opened up again.

Hmmmmm it's difficult because similar to you I was in an awful awful relationship for round abouts 10 years....

I'm going to be entirely useless because I'm about to tell you all about myself and not help you at all! But I think my main point is in the second sentence of the next paragraph!!! (if that makes any sense at all!!!!)

So now I'm in another one, and the bloke's lovley in lots of different ways. Main problem is that I don't really think I know how to judge a 'proper' relationship... The only other long term one I've been in was abusive, so I find it really difficult to tell how much is the usual sort of 'give and take'/ 'difference of opinion'/ 'that sort of crap' and how much is a sign that actually a relationship isn't working out.

So. I'm doing what I do best and ignoring it until it goes away. Hmmm...

I suppose all I can say is do your best to judge how important it is for you. Presumably quite important? I suppose I'd be more willing to put up with not fancying someone quite so much if I was confident that they were amazing in every single other way. It's especially difficult isn't it when you've already got kids and got into a relationship? You are offered all sorts of "helpful" advice from other mums who obviously began their relationships pre-kids and so the development of the relationship is different and it's not always straightforward to compare the two....

Good luck whatever you choose! xx

Definitely sounds like you're not over the last one.
How many times have you been out with the current one? I was once seeing someone, by the end of the 2nd date I was ready to chuck the towel in. Didn't feel much attraction at all.
Went out with him once more and something just clicked...fireworks when he kissed me and a shedload of other clichés :) It didn't work long term but just sayin'...

sounds like you are addicted to risky/adrenalin rush scenarios/men - not good unfortunately.

it's also very hard to meet someone who is doing just enough effort AND is a good man AND you fancy him - it's luck, but also you need to reset your whole attitude of what you find attractive. It's been wisely said on this forum already that if you keep picking unsuitable/unavailable men you may subconsiously not want a real r-ship, i.e. you have fear of it (and you do say you were happy alone plus bad marriage in the past) so you may get excited by those only who aer not the rship material. Worth talking to a psychologist IF you want to change this.

I don't think it's a problem to prefer men that give you the adrenalin rush. Plenty of men can be nice, thoughtful & do all the right things but if there's no extra spark of attraction you'll be horribly bored. If you've experienced both ends of the spectrum you'll recognise the right man when he comes along. Don't 'settle'.... disaster.

No your radar is not reset; far from it. You're still very hung up on Mr Wrong.
Stop looking at his FB page; you're torturing yourself by doing so.

And no, its not over for you by any means but if you carry on like this your romantic life will go further down the pan.

You need to work more on your own self; your self worth and esteem have taken a huge battering at the hands of three men, all of whom have turned out to be abusive. Now you've seem to have met someone nice you try and self sabotage it and put the kybosh on it (perhaps because you don't think you actually deserve to be with someone who is actually a decent non abusive and nice human being).

Your relationship radar needs a complete retune otherwise you will keep overlooking the ones who actually are decent or have real long term potential.

I would certainly consider counselling and try also to get yourself onto a Womens Aid Freedom programme as this is for women who have been in abusive relationships. That could really help you.

Also you need to look at what you actually learnt about relationships when growing up. What did you learn?. You have had relationships with two men who turned out to be abusive (fortunately for you MN warned you off one of these types) and one man who was also rubbish in that he made no effort in the relationship but was good in the sack so you fancied him!. Sex alone does not make a relationship. Also you may have some sort of rescuer and or saviour thing going on within you whereby you want to save such damaged individuals from themselves; its not beyond possible.

You need to make changes otherwise you will continue to make the same relationships errors as before.

You may also want to read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Firstly have the courage to 'hide' Mr Wrong on FB. He's not deleted but you don't see his posts. the less interaction you have the better for you and this allows your brain to start to forget about him.

Secondly I think it's incredibly important to fancy someone. I was married for 8 years to a lovely man whom I didn't fancy and we split. Now with someone else and 7 years on I still fancy him like mad. It's really really important (to me anyway).

I wouldnt lead Mr POP on anymore. Take a break from it all for a bit and allow yourself to get over Mr W. Delete his number, turn your back on him, it's the only way.

Then you might be ready to move on after a while.

Thanks so much for replying. Love, love, love MN where I can have my self indulgent rants and then get really good advice .

I think I have massively read up on abusive relationships so I do know what to look out for and can extricate myself from potential trouble spots early doors but Mr Wrong was not abusive in anyway, he just wasnt as interested in me as I was in him, also as I said at totally different life stages. But it hurt me and I am finding it difficult to get over him.

I think that I do need to give up on relationships again for a while until I am over him.

On the other hand though I am not as young as I could be and I kind of feel that time is running out. I know how sad that sounds but its how I feel. Time is not on my side.

I have hidden Mr Wrong now. I will just not think about him anymore, I am quite good at doing that. The only thing is when I am engaged liking someone there is no room for anyone else, no matter how nice and decent they are.

I just don't fancy Mr POP, not sure why, he just tries so hard and I find it very off putting and he asks me loads of questions as well as though he is trying to get me to tell him how to "Get It Right" and I kind of think that should come naturally.

My Mum and Dad are still married but their relationship was quite argumentative and abusive. When I go and visit them I can tick every box for control of each other and I know for a fact that there has been physical abuse between them, more on my Mums side towards my Dad though. So that was my model.

I hope i have addressed all the points everyone has made in their answers. Thanks again. I suppose I just feel like its all over for me now. Its depressing .

NO: Don't date men you don't fancy, if you've been out a couple of times and perhaps kissed and there's no spark and you don't want to see them again, just leave it, for their sakes as well as yours.

I don't see 'decent, caring, nice' as incompatible with 'hot and sexy'. My husband is both. Hold out for someone who is both attractive and has good values, you really deserve that. I also think sexual attraction is important in a long-term relationship, just look at all the threads in Relationships about how this goes wrong over time, if you don't even fancy them much to start with, the chances of having a passionate loving relationship in 20 years time must be nil.

I do believe, however, attraction can grow over time, sometimes someone becomes better looking the more you know them, say at work. But, in a dating scenario, the baseline for me would be: are they at least not unattractive to me personally? (By this, I don't mean the hottest guy you have ever seen, but some people are definitely unattractive to us, it's a biology thing and best to just leave those ones alone, if they are attractive, or at least a 'grower' then that's when you start to investigate their other qualities).

There's a happy medium isn't there? We all want potential partners to be interested in us and try to please us but if it's too heavy-duty it can be suffocating. Went out with someone once who couldn't even decide on a restaurant without checking it out with me thoroughly first. I wanted to shake him and shout 'FFS!!! Suprise me!!' I didn't want to end up bossing him around - and it would have been easy to do - so I finished it pretty quickly.

Even if you are getting on I think it's worth holding out rather than compromising.

And: to add to my baseline characteristics of who to date, let me add a couple more a) single and free to be in a relationship b) very interested in you in actions not just in words (so calls when says, prioritises you and c) happy to take your needs into account (so if you say go slow is respectful).

This, plus a spark, would be the MINIMUM I would even think about going into a dating scenario with, so your Mr Wrong would have been out the window if he showed a lack of interest the first time he was flaky (or perhaps second if I gave him a second chance, say in case he lost his phone or some genuine reason).

In these days of texting, it's really easy to get away from someone you don't like, just block their number/Facebook and move on.

Yes Cogito, I agree, by 'interested' I don't mean suffocating or over-keen, I mean actually calls when they say they will call, puts aside some time to see you each week, nothing more than that. There's so many women on here who seem to put up with men who are habitually uninterested, but don't see that as a warning sign.

No, no, no if you don't fancy him now you never will.

It is worth holding out to find someone you really are crazy about.

you can't fancy every nice man out there, the chemistry is basicallythere to some degree or it isn't. You could grow to like him more, get used to him but I think that spark is either there pretty much from the beginning or it isn't ever there

oh and if you want someone else you will not see others as attractive no matter how desirable they are!

Why can't it just be a case of you not fancying him. That's life really and no point in trying to.

has anyone not fancied a man in the beginning but ended up doing so after a while? I don't think I ever have

You either feel the spark or you don't. I've met men that I haven't been physically attracted to in the beginning. I mean via, work, group of friends etc rather than dating so the dynamics were different. Then found I loved their personality and then did fancy them before we kissed etc. But I think as far as meeting for dating then there needs to be a spark or move onto the next.

I have ZZZenAgain. I have experienced 'eyes across a crowded room' va-va-voom in the past but I've also found that getting to know someone can mean they become more attractive over time.

ok that demolished my theory then! I suppose I might find a man who pursued me determinedly attractive because he was making me feel attractive IYSWIM, sort of succume to that but tbh I think most of the time we decide very rapidly even when we are not actively looking for a man whether the men we do meet are possible or not possible. I'd say it is an automatic screening we don't actively do.

Could be very wrong though

succumb

It's that 'Mr Darcy moment' sometimes. :) You might get along with someone on a friendly level... or you might even find them annoying but interesting .... and then something silly happens and you look at them in a new light. Maybe not rising from a pond in a wet shirt