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Original poster

So the OW is no longer and seems to be happily carrying on life with her oblivious DH .. should I let him know what went on??

55 replies

KirstyWirsty · 04/07/2012 20:22

I didn´t get in touch to tell her DH what was going on as I didn´t want to push STBXH and OW together as she seemed to still be with her DH .. but now they are finished should I let her hubby know??

She was not an innocent victim .. she knew about the bomb that she and my ´D´H were throwing into my marriage .. why should she be able to carry on as if nothing happened??

I´d be interested in what all of you wise ladies think ... you have helped so much xx

OP posts:
MildredIsMyAlterEgo · 04/07/2012 22:48

I would like to think I would be the better person, rise above, keep the moral high ground blah blah.

However I know that if it were me I would tell him.

EntWife · 04/07/2012 22:50

he deserves to know the truth about his marriage. It is not about revenge on the OW (though i do totally get that) it is about allowing a fellow innocent to know the truth of their situation and make their choices accordingly.

If it was me (and it was me a long time ago) i would want to know.

If you are worried about backlash, do it anonymously.

Heavensmells · 04/07/2012 23:11

I wouldn't tell him but I would write to her, telling her that one day you will. Let her sweat and feel some of the anxiety that she along with your h have caused you.

maras2 · 04/07/2012 23:14

I would but then I'm a nasty,vengeful virago if the status quo of my family is disrupted for any reason.I'm sure that you're a much nicer person so listen to the voices of reason from most posters.All the best. Mx.

tinkertitonk · 04/07/2012 23:16

What you are proposing is to punish an innocent party. The adult, non-vindictive, thing is to remain silent. To put it another way: what kind of person do you want to be?

cheerybye · 04/07/2012 23:32

maybe shes no longer with her husband anyway? maybe she has told her husband because shes ashamed and they are working through it?

if its either of those options, telling him will have no effect whatsoever, and you certainly wont be on the moral high ground. you will look like you can't move on with dignity, which is not a great way to be perceived.

and as others have said, it is your DH who deserves to take the blame, not her. he made vows to you, which he broke by having an affair. you have dealt with him by getting rid, so dont stir up more trouble - you will look like a loon if the affair is now over.

skyebluesapphire · 04/07/2012 23:53

I've got the same dilemma, have hit proof of Facebook chat which makes it obvious OW's H doesn't know they are texting. Proof of 100 plus texts a day, emails and Facebook chat where she says her H knows (but I know he didn't).

I want to send her H everything as soon as my divorce is finalised but will probably ruin a thirty year friendship between her H and my H and possibly their marriage. But then I think that they were both being secretive, if they were doing nothing wrong why hide it?! But they are adamant that nothing is going on....

So if I do it I just look like a vindictive bitch Grin and if I don't then her H could remain unaware of the fact that his best mate and wife betrayed him by getting too emitionally involved..

Sorry not much help am I? but I do think it's unfair if her H doesn't know something that everybody else does....

Feckbox · 04/07/2012 23:53

Stay out of it

AltruisticEnigma · 05/07/2012 01:47

Personally, I'd just leave it. From my own personal experience if you tell someone something they don't want to hear, they will blame you and you will end up the worst in the world. It happens, trust me.

But I know how tempting it must be...

Graciescotland · 05/07/2012 03:07

I think that if she knew he was married then she's as culpable as him. I'd tell him or send her a letter saying that you'll tell so she can spend ages waiting for the bomb to drop.

SittingBull · 05/07/2012 04:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sucksoutthejoy · 05/07/2012 05:08

You know you shouldn't tell him, but I would.

But then I also telephoned me exs parents to tell them exactly what he had been doing when we split up due to his affair Blush

jynier · 05/07/2012 05:09

I would let him know. Are you citing adultery in your divorce and is the OW named? If so, I'd send him a copy of the decree nisi/absolute.

stargazy · 05/07/2012 07:48

Very tricky one.If my DH had taken call from OW's DH a few minutes earlier he wouldn't have been in the room with me and would have had time time to compose himself and I may never have found out.Do I wish that was the case?would I rather have been spared months of heartache and soul searching about wether to stay in my marriage.Or lived on in ignorant bliss.

But I found out accidentally as that call was not made to me, and DH so shaken and shocked it had to come out.
Despite all the heartache tho I'm eternally grateful to that man that I found out the truth about my marriage and my DH really had to look hard at himself and his boundaries.We are solid and together , from what I can gather they no longer are.

So I can only imagine how aggrieved you must feel to see her life ostensibly carry on as normal.But it won't be normal.She will always know she's living with a ticking time bomb.
Sadly if she's a narcissistic person with a big sense of entitlement,as some OW are it may not affect her as much.I only say that because I'm sorry but I don't subscribe to the OW is virtually blameless crap.In some cases they are needy,predatory and attention seeking and know exactly what they are doing.That makes It harder to forgive them and not expose them doesn't it?
So I wish you strength and don't envy your dilemma.Not been any help,hope others can make your mind up for you.

MadAboutHotChoc · 05/07/2012 09:37

I contacted OW's husband several months after I discovered the affair. He was shocked but grateful as they were separating and she was trying to take him for everything she could. He said that finding out about the affair helped him made sense of everything.

My only regret was that I didn't do it before but I didn't feel I could cope with the drama.

CrazyChicken · 05/07/2012 09:43

*he deserves to know the truth about his marriage. It is not about revenge on the OW (though i do totally get that) it is about allowing a fellow innocent to know the truth of their situation and make their choices accordingly.

If it was me (and it was me a long time ago) i would want to know.

If you are worried about backlash, do it anonymously.*

This.

MardyArsedMidlander · 05/07/2012 10:19

I wouldn't do it. You don't know who she is actually feeling- if she is the sort of person who can live with lies, it might not affect her anyway.

But what if her husband murders or assaults her when he finds out? I couldn't cope with that on my conscience.

carlywurly · 05/07/2012 10:25

I got told, and I was grateful as it helped me to make sense of it all.
We were all splitting though, there was nothing to save.

If they look like they're making a go of it, leave them to it. I can understand the tempation to hint that you're going to tell though, and I couldn't promise I wouldn't do that. There's something really galling about the thought of people doing this and escaping scot free back to their old lives, leaving the carnage behind.

madonnawhore · 05/07/2012 10:30

I think I would tell him.

Maybe I'm a bad, horrible person.

At the very least I certainly would make no secret of who my DH had been shagging around with. It'll get back to him eventually.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 05/07/2012 11:53

I have mentioned to STBX in a text that I know where she lives and asked if her husband is oblivious to the bomb that the two of them threw and that I don´t consider her an innocent party and and will leave it at that

DD7 has met her a couple of times before they split and she lives in our town so it will be interesting if we ever bump into her and her DH as DD has a very good memory for people and would say hello I´m sure

I don´t know what she looks like but every time I get on the train etc I look at women around me wondering which one she is ...

OP posts:
MissFaversam · 05/07/2012 12:04

I'd like to say I'd rise above it but in all honesty bollox to that, I'd tell.

Ahhhtetley · 05/07/2012 12:40

I'm afraid i'm not as nice as some of the posters on here and I'd tell him.

For starters how would you feel if someone knew your DH was cheating and didn't tell you? Personally I'd want to know even if it came from the other party.

I didn't get involved with the OW or her husband when I found out my DH was cheating on me. To this day I still feel she got off scott free and is prob counting her lucky stars I'm such a push over. OK I have the moral high ground but I do very often find myself daydreaming about bumping into her and her DH and simply telling him. I don't know what the repurcussions (SP?) would be, but I do feel very bitter about her carrying on with her DH as though nothing happened whilst my life was ripped to bits (v dramatic I know) :)

Claire2009 · 05/07/2012 12:46

Tell him, he deserves to know the truth.

carlywurly · 05/07/2012 13:21

Same here, ahhh - I have lots of little daydreams about what I'd say to OW, even now. She did end up with XH though, so she'll get her just desserts at some point, I'm sure.

madonnawhore · 05/07/2012 13:41

By not telling her DH I think I might feel somehow complicit in helping her cheat on him.