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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My first Friend with Benefits. Not sure if I'm cut out for this...

34 replies

FaffTastic · 04/07/2012 19:25

Ok, a bit of background to begin with. Am mid-30s and separated from my husband last summer - not yet divorced, relatively amicable, no interest in getting back with him. No children involved.

Have always been in long-term relationships, mainly with nice enough men with a few bastards along the way

Have been receiving counselling for a while to help with my own issues and generally try to make myself feel happier with greater self esteem. Am not looking for a long-term relationship until I feel a bit more 'stable and happy'' but am missing sex and having someone to think about/text etc.

Anyway, to cut to the chase. Have been in contact with a man since February who lives some distance away. We've text everyday, spoke a fair number of times, things have gotten very sexual and a bit 'dirty'. We met for the first time this weekend and whilst I'll spare you the details had an amazing 24hours together

Not really sure what my question is but think i'm trying to justify having a lot of sex with someone without there being any emotional involvement. Never had a FWB before. I want him to like me other than sex, not think I'm just a slut etc.

Sigh - I'm not a FWB type person am I? Anyone had one where it ended amicably or without getting hurt? Or had one where it turned into something more?

Sorry for the ramble and thanks for reading. Think I just needed to get it out

OP posts:

Original poster

FaffTastic · 04/07/2012 19:28

Oh and without wanting to drip feed - myself and my exhusband had a very passionless and almost sexless marriage so I guess part of the reason for wanting a fwb was to try sexual things i'd never done before

OP posts:

LordEmsworth · 04/07/2012 19:37

Well, I don't think you have to justify anything actually...

But, I would say a FWB is for sex and not "having someone to think about/text" - that doesn't fit in a FWB situation.

Also, he almost definitely doesn't think you're a slut, but do you want him to like you "other than sex" because you like him, or because you're feeling guilty about having sexual adventures?

The two are very different - if you're feeling guilty because women aren't "supposed" to have sex without emotion, then I'd say the more you do it, the less guilty you'll feel . But if you want to feel close to someone, or have someone tell you how amazing you are, or want this guy in particular to think you're amazing - then end it amicably now, or get hurt later...

izzyizin · 04/07/2012 19:45

I want him to like me other than sex, not think I'm just a slut etc.

Do you think he's worried that you might be thinking he's a slut?

If you enjoy getting your rocks off with him, why does it matter what he thinks of you?

To paraphrase; if you have high regard for yourself the chances are that others will have similar regard for you and it won't bother you if they don't.

During the 24hrs you spent with him, I'd hazard a guess that you weren't at it like rabbits in a silent movie all of the time and that there was some dialogue between you.

You can take it as read that if he comes back more, he likes you for more than sex.

Original poster

FaffTastic · 04/07/2012 19:53

Thanks for the response. Think I'm a little confused as to what type of situation it is actually - always imagined that FWB are 2 people who meet occasionally for sex with minimal contact in between. We've been in contact every day since Feb - about 60-70% instigated by him and about 50/50 split between clean everyday type texts and filth. But seeing as we live 100s of miles apart we've only met the once so we're not casually dating. Sort of FWB but with a little bit extra.

I think I'm trying to reconcile years of being in a sexless relationship and monognomous relationships with actually, sex can be enjoyable and doesn't have to be done in a committed relationship without people thinking I'm slutty or cheap. I certainly don't think that about others who have ONS etc.

But, yeah, there is a part of me that likes him and wants him to like me for me and I'm scared of getting hurt.

Can't imagine having sex, however casual, with someone I didn't like and therein lies my problem I think!

OP posts:

wiseoldowl · 04/07/2012 19:56

Faff thought I would share as am in fairly similar circumstances (although I have DC & not amicable with XH). Have had FWB for approx 6 months now, & really not sure any longer if this is FWB.... who knows? I am definitely not that type... have never had sex with someone who was not v important to me and this is how my FWB started out (although I did fancy him like mad!!). Anyway turns out that his view is that men like to get beneath the clothing first and work back from there....so what started out as sex, is now (I feel) turning in to FAR more. We are both exclusive, neither discussing our feelings ...& yet both kind of knowing that its more than FWB.
I had real struggle to start with because its hard to have sex and not get attached (or show that you are) but I played the cool game and am now seeing the benefits so to speak. All I'm saying really I suppose, is do what suits you and what you feel happy with, don't overthink things too much and just enjoy what you get out of it... and only continue if its good for you

dondon33 · 04/07/2012 19:57

You absolutely don't need to justify yourself. You're both adults.

If this is the first time you've gone down the FWB route then please be careful not to let emotions and dare I say the L- word put in an appearance because it's a bloody minefield.

If you've both agreed it's FWB then what does it matter what anyone thinks and he probably wouldn't think you're a slut anyway, just a like minded person who doesn't want a relationship at the moment. If he stays in contact after the weekend and see's you again then he likes things the way they are. Enjoy it for what it is :)
Have fun x

dondon33 · 04/07/2012 20:00

Oh meant to add to last post.... I started a FWB thing almost 3 years ago
I live with him now :) :)

Wise I was in a very similar position to you.

TheSecondComing · 04/07/2012 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Conflugenglugen · 04/07/2012 20:00

Fafftastic - All I can say is that I was in a very similar position to you, arranged a FWB relationship with a man, fell utterly in love with him -- which might have been fine but for the fact that it blindsided me completely; I simply could not handle it well. We broke and it was the most painful experience I've been through.

However - I wouldn't trade that pain for a moment: it taught me a lot about myself and what it was that I had been missing ... and what it was that I couldn't admit to myself (or to him) that I wanted.

So I would say communicate. First, with yourself - be honest about your own needs and desires. And then with him. I'm not sure there's much else you can do that's worth doing, imo.

izzyizin · 04/07/2012 20:02

You're not a prostitute - you're not required to have sex with men you don't like or don't fancy sexually.

For me, there has to be some 'spark', some attraction, before I use them take them to bed.

If you keep this relationship in a compartment marked 'fwb' and don't see it as a path to 'coupledom' you won't get hurt.

FWIW, sex can be more enjoyable outside of a committed relationship.

izzyizin · 04/07/2012 20:05

Original poster

FaffTastic · 04/07/2012 20:06

Thanks for the responses. he has been in contact daily since our 24 session so yeah, the logical part of me thinks he must like me - then the low self esteem part thinks - well, why wouldn't he be back - he was offered it on a plate, what man would say no to that.

Think I'm trying to balance the thoughts that it was bloody enjoyable and why the hell shouldnt I with god, maybe I'm only doing this because I have low self esteem currently and want to feel wanted and attractive to someone. Maybe I'm over bloody analysing it which can be the by product of too much counselling in my case!

The thing that it putting me off incase I do end up really liking him and end up getting hurt. But yeah, time for a conversation with him I think about my 'wobble' but without actually mentioning bloody emotions

OP posts:

FaffTastic · 04/07/2012 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wiseoldowl · 04/07/2012 20:14

faff
Its hard I know, but I think you've got the right attitude. Go in with your eyes open, question everything (trust ishoos?), don't be taken advantage of... but TBH I see that as less of a problem for you as you seem to be getting to know him more through the phojudgement necalls/texts.
Mine was a bit of both, but we would spend hours on the phone and I knew it wasn't just so that he could get laid! Trust your own judgement but enjoy! They're only people like us wimmin, they have the same insecurities etc, and they're not all knobs... the trick is sorting out the knobs from the genuine ones.

Mumsyblouse · 04/07/2012 20:18

I think the problem here is that you are already wrapping up your self-esteem and identity (as slut or not) in his opinion of you, and you want loving attention and interest which is very much a relationship thing.

I have to say I don't get FWB at all, I either liked someone enough to start seeing if a relationship developed, or I'd have fun (once? twice?) and leave it at that. Having friends who have sex is like forming a crap relationship to me, I'd rather forgoe the sex than have sex with someone who quite liked me but not that much.

But FWB is a new thing, in our day (a long time ago) you either shagged once and moved on, or you started dating them. I've yet to be convinced they are great given the number of threads on here mainly from women who want something more, or occasionally, about men who want more. No-one really seems to end up friends who just have sex, because if it were that easy, we would have invented it earlier:)

izzyizin · 04/07/2012 20:18

it was bloody enjoyable and why the hell shouldnt I Hold that thought. It's the only one that matters.

wiseoldowl · 04/07/2012 20:19

sorry laptop playing up: phonecalls

Conflugenglugen · 04/07/2012 20:19

I'm interested in why you wouldn't want to talk about emotions given that they're clearly there ...

perceptionreality · 04/07/2012 20:22

I've had casual relationships and they all ended fine when I was only attracted to the person superficially but on one occasion I ended up emotionally connected with a man who was very unsuitable for me and that ended very badly. I never intended to fall for him (and at first thought I never would) but I did and that was because he pushed my boundaries to see more of me than I usually allow with FWB:

In short, if you fall for the person it can end badly. I believe that there are some ground rules you can use to limit the chances of getting into something you shouldn't have though and one is not seeing the person more than once a week and therefore not allowing them to get too much into your head.

izzyizin · 04/07/2012 20:24

FWB and fuck buddy arrangements have been around since the year dot, mumsy.

It only appears to be a new phenomenon because the age we live in has a propensity for discussing, analysing, and labelling human behaviour as if it were something new.

Original poster

FaffTastic · 04/07/2012 20:32

I think the thing is I'm afraid to question everything or talk about emotions as in my mind, that's not what FWB is about. I'm scared of coming across as too 'girlfriendy' - but then part of me thinks well, if he doesn't like it he can sling his hook. We haven't had hours worth of phone conversations - by his own admittance he isn't comfortable on the phone - but he is trying and getting better at phoning me since I said I would rather this than loads of texts.

I do have trust ishoos to a certain extent - though not sure why as no significant relationship has cheated on me to my knowledge. I've always gone out with nice blokes - I've enjoyed the chase to a certain extent, wanted them to love me, and gone into ltr relationships without really questioning as to whether or not I really loved them or they were right for me. Once I've released they're head over heels for me and I'm not with them it's another relationship that bites the dust.

I recognise this pattern, want desperately to break it and thought a bit of fun with a fwb without viewing every man as a possible long term relationship might be part of the way to go in doing it. Wanting my FWB to like me might be part of this same pattern or I might just be over thinking it.

Balls to it, I'm going to try and have fun with no thinking!!

OP posts:

izzyizin · 04/07/2012 20:35

If in doubt, go with the flow...

Tweetinat · 04/07/2012 20:36

I ended up marrying my FWB and 6 years later have a DS and are TTC DC 2...!

wiseoldowl · 04/07/2012 20:38

faff
you will still question things, but the FWB situation means that you have to kind of distance yourself a bit more and yes,not be too 'girlfriendy'. I think,from what you say, this sounds like it might help you in that you wont be throwing your all into it so to speak and you can perhaps hold back a bit and let him do the chasing.

sarahseashell · 04/07/2012 20:43

OP on the plus side it seems this situation and your counselling are helping you learn more about yourself and get insights into your patterns in the past with men, which are all good.

It's rare for FWB to convert into a relationship and also you're in early stages of separation/divorce process so just protect yourself as well as you can emotionally and if it's not for you then end it - but you're setting yourself up for a fail if you're secretly hoping it'll turn into more imo

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