My first Friend with Benefits. Not sure if I'm cut out for this...

[FaffTastic]

Ok, a bit of background to begin with. Am mid-30s and separated from my husband last summer - not yet divorced, relatively amicable, no interest in getting back with him. No children involved.

Have always been in long-term relationships, mainly with nice enough men with a few bastards along the way

Have been receiving counselling for a while to help with my own issues and generally try to make myself feel happier with greater self esteem. Am not looking for a long-term relationship until I feel a bit more 'stable and happy'' but am missing sex and having someone to think about/text etc.

Anyway, to cut to the chase. Have been in contact with a man since February who lives some distance away. We've text everyday, spoke a fair number of times, things have gotten very sexual and a bit 'dirty'. We met for the first time this weekend and whilst I'll spare you the details had an amazing 24hours together

Not really sure what my question is but think i'm trying to justify having a lot of sex with someone without there being any emotional involvement. Never had a FWB before. I want him to like me other than sex, not think I'm just a slut etc.

Sigh - I'm not a FWB type person am I? Anyone had one where it ended amicably or without getting hurt? Or had one where it turned into something more?

Sorry for the ramble and thanks for reading. Think I just needed to get it out

If you feel that your emotions and attachment are too strong and you do want more then speak with him and ask him what he wants...obviously it's too early to talk about long term but ask does he feel there could be more in the future, is he open to that.
If he says no then you can end it.
It doesn't always work out how you want, or in this case how you both agreed at the start, If you told me 3 years ago that I would be happy in another relationship , I would have laughed at you. back then I wanted FWB, I had every intention of it staying FWB and my (now) Dp felt the same.

OP, I totally understand what you are doing and why. It is something I could see myself doing in the future when my divorce dust has settled a bit.

The bit I dont get is did you both start out on this relationship clearly stating to each other that neither wants a steady relationship? If yes, do you know why he doesnt? I think I would want to know that myself before I started seeing a man on these terms. I wonder if this is why you feel slightly uncomfortable about the situation and not just because you have never done it before.

Izzy your comments about it being the age we live in has made me realise I have had a few of these arrangements in my distant past. Very uncomplicated too, but maybe thats because they werent analysed that much. I certainly didnt really even discuss them with friends. Bet I would now. .

'slut' and 'I'm not that type' stuff is a red herring, you are allowed to enjoy sex as thoroughly as you like without these nasty labels.

Assuming this is going to be a 'FWB' situation is also a red herring, in my opinion. It hasn't gone on long enough to know what this relationship is.

Main question is whether you've had long enough out of the marriage to enjoy any kind of romantic foray without cracking up and paying an overly high price for the fun. Only you can decide that, but as TheSecondComing says, be a touch wary if you are already worrying about it.

I say this as someone who has repeatedly launched into foolhardy flings and broken my already bruised heart :)

all the best

From my own experience I think the F part is as important as the B part - you do have to like and yes, respect each other for this sort of relationship to work. It needs very clear boundaries - but those boundaries need not be tightly set around sex only.

I had an FWB at uni - we saw each other weekly at our local fencing club, had known each other for several years before the B ever happened. When we did get 'together' it was very obvious what we were both up for - he invited me over for dinner and said I could stay overnight it I wanted to. I asked him if that meant he fancied sex, he said yes, we both decided to go for it.

We set out the rules before we did anything, the main ones being that if we ever got emotionally involved we would be honest about it, and if we ever fell for someone else it would end - and that could be unilateral. About 18 months in he met someone serious and that was the end of the B part but we remained friends - we'd meet up every so often just to go to the pub and drink single malt whisky (which his GF could not stand, whilst we were both total whisky snobs). She knew about this and was fine with it - I knew her too, she was also one of our fencing club. 6 months after he met her, I met DH.

The friendship continued until I moved to the UK and we lost touch. I don't think it would have worked if we hadn't like each other as people first, though.

Ok, well I've just got off the phone with him after a half hour chat and we've arranged to see each other again in a few weeks time (work commitments and distance prevent it from being any sooner). I will speak to him about what 'this' actually 'is' but will wait, probably, until we're face to face.

In the meantime, I'll go with the flow, try to enjoy it for what it is and not over think the thing!

I might even tell a friend so it feels less like a 'dirty little secret' which might help to get rid of some of the guilt about sexually enjoying myself. I'm in my mid-30s and have gone years without so well the bloody hell shouldn't I have some fun

Thanks for the advice - you've helped me get over my wobble and I'll read thread again when I no doubt have another wobble!

I had a FWB, but it ended when I wanted it to be more than just sex and friendship and he wasn't interested. We stayed friends, and oddly enough, years later he said to me, 'why can't I find someone like you?' and I had to remind him 'uh...you had me!' (he got very embarrassed, clearly had forgotten why we stopped shagging).

So the next time I had something like this.....I was newly separated from H, bloke knew this and claimed to not be interested in having a relationship. We carried on for about a month, and after spending a weekend together I knew I wanted it to be more, so I told him very calmly that I couldn't carry on, that I understood he wasn't up for more and that was ok, but I had experience with this sort of thing and knew it would hurt more later. Started to walk out the door (for real, not pretending or trying to be manipulative).

5 years later we are married with second baby on the way. I am so glad he said 'wait!'

I once dated a guy, but for various reasons it didn't work out and then he went to live abroad - that was the painful bit, but as it was mutual I didn't bear a grudge. A year later he came back to the UK, asked for FWB. I initially said no, but as had been single for a while and I knew how good we were together at it, I thought "why the hell not". Kept friends and family separate this time and did manage to not get emotionally attached as I knew it wasn't going anywhere. Had some fun times, after a lovely weekend away he asked for more but I turned him down on that as I knew he wasn't for me. We carried on a bit longer after that but then I ended it as by then I was ready for something more but not with him. Still friends, don't think I'd give it ago with him again, but no harm done :-)

I think if you go into it not wanting anything more, then it can work for a while. But if you find yourself questioning and hoping for more then you need to communicate this asap so you don't start reading too much into things and seeing what's not there. That would just get you hurt, better to find out how man feels, then pull the plug if it doesn't mach your expectations

Sorry springhasarrived, I didn't answer your questions. We didn't clearly state that we only wanted a FWB relationship with each other but we met through a FWB Internet site so the natural assumption is that it is what it is. I haven't asked him why he's only looking for FWB for fear of sounding like I'm putting on the pressure but yes, I do need to ask these questions. At the end of the day, it wouldnt bother me if he asked me that question nor would i feel pressurised

So much bloody easier asking them face to face though than on the telephone.

Nice to see there has been some happy endings - either ending up long term with FWBs or amicably ending it without too much pain/hurt.