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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New partner - condoms....

37 replies

theendishere · 04/07/2012 14:10

Been seeing someone for a few weeks. Turns out he is totally turned off by condoms, (he had tried to use them, and basically couldnt perform!)and I won't do anything without...
Really, really like him but don't know what to do. Have suggested getting tested and he said he'll look into it but feel slighty ott in asking this.
AIBU?

OP posts:

whatlauradid · 04/07/2012 14:12

YANBU. It's condoms, being tested or no sex. Don't jeaprodise your health for the fool who is turned off by keeping himself and you safe.

fluffyanimal · 04/07/2012 14:12

Oh dear, don't fall for that old chestnut. Stand firm. If he's into you, he'll respect your wishes. If not, you've had a lucky escape.

PinkChampagneandStrawberries · 04/07/2012 14:14

YANBU I wouldn't sleep with him if he didn't use condoms but if you are then he has to get tested first

nizlopi · 04/07/2012 14:14

My husband is the same, but he did make the effort when we first started sleeping together.

Some guys just don't like them. Obviously, there are other contraceptives out there, but it really is for the both of you to discuss. He can't just say 'I don't like condoms, sort yourself out instead' as you're both responsible for it. I agree with getting him tested before starting anything sexual though. You're not making a fuss over nothing, if he doesn't like condoms then that means he's had condomless sex with X amount of women... so I'd say its totally worth looking into!

TeacakeTilly · 04/07/2012 14:14

No, you're being sensible! Do you have proof that he can't perform with them on? If not I'd be suspicious... You could suggest the extra sensation ones? (think they're a bit thinner) Stick to your guns though - if he can't respect that, he's not a keeper anyway!

Alurkatsoftplay · 04/07/2012 14:14

I knew a guy like that. It was crap. Can't understand the attitude.

DialMforMummy · 04/07/2012 14:14

YANBU! He is. If he can't perform with a condom, then ask yourself how many times he's had unprotected sex.
Test, condom or abstinence I would say. A test is not ott, it is the responsible thing to do.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/07/2012 14:17

Would you really like to sleep with a man who has a habit of refusing condoms? Imagine all the women he has been with before you, and the men they have been with. What turn off, I would say... In fact, nothing is more off turning than a man who does not a) agree with the idea of safe sex and b) does not respect your wishes enough to try.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 04/07/2012 14:18

If he can't perform with a condom, then ask yourself how many times he's had unprotected sex. This!!! Get checked before going condomless fgs (and good for you for not caving!)

QuintessentialShadows · 04/07/2012 14:19

Personally, I would bin him.

But I have high standards.

(Actually, my standards are pretty normal!)

Wigglewoo · 04/07/2012 14:29

Noooooo
Effectively you'd be having unsafe sex with everyone he's already slept with as you can bet he's a condom avoider.

You could use a femidom (do they even still do them??!) That should put him off for life or shock him into condom use!

HairyGrotter · 04/07/2012 14:35

Oldest line in the book! If he's that bothered about it, he'll get tested. Still think he's feeding you a age old line of shit

WaitingForMe · 04/07/2012 14:36

The correct response is "Sorry but I don't get turned on by men who are immature about contraception."

Original poster

theendishere · 04/07/2012 14:36

Thanks all :) Yes fwiw he did try to use one but things didn't work....
Such a shame as he was lovley aprt from that

OP posts:

Original poster

theendishere · 04/07/2012 14:39

Will have to wait to see if he gets tested then or say goodbye :(

OP posts:

worldgonecrazy · 04/07/2012 14:52

There is a relatively new brand called Skyn which are better than the latex/rubber condoms. Might be worth trying if everything else about him is nice?

ErikNorseman · 04/07/2012 14:58

I have been with men who get willy wilt with condoms, it's a genuine problem. A decent man will be happy to have non PiV sex until you have both been tested and agree to go monogomous (this does depend on you being happy with hormonal BC though) but of course this also depends on you being able to trust him, which you might not with a very new relatiosnhip. It's a minefield!

nizlopi · 04/07/2012 15:55

It is a genuine problem. My husband goes soft if he tries to use one. No idea why, as he is responsible and not feeding me a line (lol). He has a healthy attitude to sex and contraception.

valiumredhead · 04/07/2012 16:21

Can you put it on for him? It might help.

quickxnamexchange · 04/07/2012 16:43

I just want to add that I have issues with them too, get very tense about sex and have a mild latex allergy, so really struggle to use them. Means I've only had sex with 2 long term partners, but better that than risking STIs.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 04/07/2012 20:27

Just say "GREAT! I'm desperate to be a mum, don't you think we would make great babies together?"

See how fast be gets a condom on then.

skyebluesapphire · 05/07/2012 00:15

My STBXH always said he couldn't use condoms as he would lose it, but after I had DD and didn't want to take anything hormonal it was condoms or no sex.

Guess what? He suddenly got on fine with them

izzyizin · 05/07/2012 00:56

I like your style Pfft

That's one to put in the memory bank, OP...

Original poster

theendishere · 05/07/2012 14:20

Well, spoke to him today....he's booked an appt for a test next week!

OP posts:

Teeb · 05/07/2012 14:28

That's good news. I'm firm believer in having regular sexual health tests for all, but especially when you are entering a new relationship. Even if you are using condoms you should go for a check up, very often people are in relationships for 6/12 months using condoms and then decide to come off them but have no real idea of the others sexual history.

I don't think it's a 'dirty' thing, I treat it like going to the dentists for a check up.

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