Well it finally happened

[puds11]

My DP and i split up on sunday. It was a mutual decision, but i am still sad. Some of you may remeber posts i have made about our relationship, it was not good.
At the minute i am feeling anxious about how my life is going to go now, and would be greatful of advice. If you have been through this, how did it go? Are you happier now?
Also, how am i going to be able to afford my house for me and DD? I am currently a student, with one year left on my course, are there any benefits i can claim? My exDP cant offer us much, as he has no money either.
Thankyou in advance.

I promise it gets better, much better! Just keep approaching one day at a time. No rush and expect / prepare yourself for the odd wobble - but you WILL get through it. 3 years post divorce I LOVE my wonderful life and I'm happy!
I'm not the best on finance but I'm sure someone will offer some fab advice.
Keep going and my thoughts are with you

It'll be a mixed bag of emotions for a while. Some days you'll feel quite positive and upbeat and others you'll feel more upset than you bargain for. A mutual decision is sad but it is at least a little less traumatic than some sudden split that you're not expecting.

My best tip would be 'keep busy'. You have to be pretty resourceful and creative about this and it helps that you have a DD to focus on. As a student, you should talk to your student services or student union team about financial support because the rules are slightly different for those in full-time education than they are for other people. But do be realistic. It may be better to downsize and make life easier than to try to keep everything exactly the same and struggle.

What age is DD? If under 7 you can claim income support, get some sort of student grant/loan etc. Go and apply asap. Also, your DP may not have much but dont let him off contributing. I did until my DD was nearly three and why shouldnt he have helped out?

You will be absolutely fine, it was the best decision I ever made. Im now with a new DP but I loved being single. And I know now that no matter how many kids I have, I will always prefer being single to being stuck in a bad relationship.

I hope you are ok. At first it can be a bit wobbly, but keep your head up.

Good luck xx

Thanks very much guys. She is nearly 4, so i will look into income support.

Its nice to know that people get out alive!

does anyone know if being an avon lady is any good?

Hi

I had two business's nice house cars pensions the works, exh sold the business's and hid the money, i found out years later supposedly in the Cayman Islands. My son and myself lost everthing, house car security the works.

We ended up in a half way house whilst him and gf now wife went on 5* holidays in Cancun and lived the life of riley. My parents had to bail me out with a little run around car and money for food.

That was just over 10yrs ago, and believe it was the best thing that ever happened to me, I know it sounds mad, but it got rid of him, taught me even more the value of a pound, what not to settle for in any other relationships, and just how much I can cope with and how self sufficient I could be in an emergency. The above is a very sanitised version of events and only a couple of high lights, but yes life can be hard, then become great when your on the other side, its a tremedous learning curve, one which I am grateful for.

My son will never be like his Father use the term loosely because he has seen for himself what a feckless bag of shit unreliable person he is, but accepts this and says he doesnt agree with his version of how to treat family and people in general. Now I am re married to a wonderful man who has the same values and ethics as myself, and have been together 7 yrs married for 2 this year. There is life after wankers divorce, but make sure its on your terms, and never accept 2nd best.

all the best

A friend of mine was making quite a nice bit of pocket money from Avon, but i think you have to buy the books, and make sure you get a decent round, be prepared to work for it too.

good luck

Im glad you and you son are doing well now guilty, and it sounds like your much better off without your exH. I'm hoping that me and my ex will be able to get on better once we are not living together.
We currently still have to live together.

Thanks puds I did hit the depths of despair as it seems some people know no bounds to what they will stoop to, to upset and destroy you, even though the other person genuinly didnt do anything to cause it.

You wouldnt believe that now we can talk like old friends, but it took a lot on my part to just let a lot of stuff go, if only for the sake of my son.
My course helped with giving me some answers, and personal counselling.

I think that when we are both settled in our new places, we will be able to be friends. I hope anyway.
I'm just scared of having to cope on my own, even though i know i will manage, but i am worried it is going to effect my last year at uni. I am currently headed for a good result, but am worried all of this is going to ruin it. I can be quite fragile mentally, and im worried i might loose the plot part way through the year and cock it up.
I have also been offered a research position alongside one of my lecturers which initially i accepted, however now im wondering if i should decline it?

Im scared now.

I would advise not rushing in to any decisions Puds.

Sit down cup of tea/wine and make a nice large list of things that need sorting.
The things that can wait dont count them. I advise getting all of your ducks in a row as i call them, so that you have a much clearer picture of whats going on, what going to happen, and not sweat the things you cant control.

Such as money, child care, support systems, such as famil and friends, people good in an energency. Then I would let someone at college know whats going on and find out if there is any support there than they can recommend.
if you havnt already look in to some counselling, it might take a while to set up waiting list etc, but by the time it comes around, you might be happy to talk to someone.

Only deal with the things you know about, and dont over dramatise,fantasise about the stuff you dont. try and see the positives hard I know and deal with the negatives only when they present themselves to you. if you have done your homework already with finances and outside help, when and if the shit hits the fan, it will be easier to to deal with.

x

Thankyou so much guilty you are being very helpful. Ive only told my sister so far, but she moved back to australia yesturday, so i havnt been able to see her.
I have a meeting with my lecturer on friday anyway to discuss what she wants me to do, do you think i should tell her so that she can have a say in whether i stay on the project or not? She may not want me on if she thinks i may be under a lot of pressure.

I would advise telling her yes, as nothing is worse when the shit hits the fan, and someone says oh if youde said we could have done xyz for you in advance.

Sometimes we cause more problems ourselves by not allowing others in to our world to help, because we think were being a pain, or selfish or stupid or even worse embarrased. Yes there are some real arses, but equally there are some wonderful people who would gladly help out if you/we would only give them a chance.

And this comes from me mrs self sufficient i am an island and can do it all myself
even I had to stick my hand in the air and say bollox to this i need help.

Dont under estimate yourself or talk yourself down, people can be negative enough without you doing it to yourself, if you wasnt any good she wouldnt have asked you would she?

I know that she has recently been through a similar thing, so im hoping she will be sympathetic.
I think im going to accept help from anywhere i can get it. I dont want too, but i dont have a choice. I will make sure to make it up to the people that help me.

It really is so much better. I know you don't feel it or believe it (I definitely didn't when I was where you are at this time last year). What helps is going through the pain of some anniversaries/celebrations (oddly). The first couple will be hell but then you will work out how you and DD are going to do it by yourselves.
Do do the research offered as it will really help post graduation. Before Avon go and talk to student services and perhaps to a trusted lecturer/tutor - maybe the one who offered you the research. There are sometimes ad hoc admin jobs going in departments that you could be offered, and hardship loans, one-off bursaries which you won't know about until you explain your position. Meanwhile sort finances with him first off and don't worry too much about how that pans out re your parenting relationship.
It's baby steps towards the future and perhaps one thing to say is that while the future, especially in the first months/year will be hard to plan and full of surprises in the long run most of the change will be good.

If you do start anything self employed like Avon, I work in accountancy, so PM me and I can help you do the forms etc so it doesnt cost you anything :-)

look into childcare costs etc and what help you can receive with that if you do work. You need to work at least 16 hours a week to get Working Tax Credits, and Im sure if you did something like Avon, it would be at least that many hours over a week by the time you drop and collect brochures and place the orders and deliver etc.

Please feel free to PM if you want any help

Hello Puds sorry. to hear about your split but I just wanted to say the best bit of advice I got when I separated was to take one day at a time..

I kept worrying way ahead of myself about what was going to happen a week, month, year ahead.
Now I take each day as it comes and don't plan too far ahead and life is much better instead of worrying about the whatifs....And three and a half years on my 2dc and myself are very happy.....

Are you a University student?

Once you've moved out your finances will be a bit easier - Over the summer (which is about 13wks) you can claim income support as your daughter is under five. Prior to moving I'm not sure if you'll get anything? Best to give the Job Centre a call to double check.

If you are living just you and your daughter you will be exempt from council tax as you are a student, and as you have a low income you will be entitled to housing benefit/local housing allowance. You'll need to apply for these from your local council.

Have you already applied for Student Finance for next year? If so you'll need to let them know that your circumstances have changed. You should be applying for the maintenance loan, special support grant, parents' learning allowance, and childcare grant. These will replace the income support once you return for your final year.

You should also be getting child tax credits and child benefit.

If it's any reassurance I've just completed my degree as a lone parent and got a good result. It was difficult at times (health problems, general juggling etc) but I'm sure you'll cope very well as you're obviously a very able student :)

Thankyou very much guys, i really appreciate your advice and support. Your kindness has made me cry (but in a good way).

I am a university student, and am going to update my student finance application today.

Stru are you a year on? How is it? I cant help but wish i knew what it was going to be like a year from now.

Thankyou skye i might just do that!

Twiggy i think that is excellent advice, i will try not to get too ahead of myself and just try and cope with things as they come.

winston that is very reassuring to know, i would be devasted if it was to impact on my final grade as i have been working so hard for this.

I split with a long term partner in the final year of university, and just want to echo what the last few posters have said, particularly re council tax exemption and student finance.

I would carry on with the research position, and also talk about your situation with the lecturer involved - sometimes there is funding available for research assistants to be paid, so maybe the lecturer could look into that? Also, inform any trusted tutors, because you may be able to put in an extenuating circumstances form for any assignments you have due over the next few months (check the university's policies on this). I did this, and was able to negotiate extensions (even for my dissertation deadline) without affecting my final grades, and the tutor I spoke to couldn't have been more supportive.

I wish you all the best, puds. I'm now 2 years on - ExP and I are still on good terms, DD is settled, and I'm very happy that I called it a day when I did, even though it didn't seem initially like the most sensible time to completely turn my world upside down! Take things as they come, and things will fall into place.

Thanks woolly its good to hear from people who have been in the same situation and come out the other side.

Throwing yourself into the work may well provide the distraction that you need puds

Wishing you the best of luck :)

also talk to the student union welfare officer. Don't drop the ball with the studies if at all possible, apart from anything else it will be good for you to be around people and working towards something. good luck!

Thanks guys! Have had an awful day today. DD being naughty, feeling like crap and my washing machine broke! Tomorrow can only be better.

Well it seems to be worse today