Has anyone ever had the I don't love you speech and there hasn't been OW? Just curious?!

[skyebluesapphire]

As it says above really. Is there anyone out there who has had the "I dont love you any more" speech or given the speech and there honestly hasn't been anyone else involved? I mean just out of the blue, not couples who have had problems for ages.

I wondered if it ever happens?! Or if there is always OW?

I had a friend who got this speech and there wasn't another woman. There were other men though...

When I got that speech I didn't know there was another woman at the time. But, there was, as it later came out. They met on a dating site 2 years before he moved out. Am I daft or what?!

Actually, no. Even if it hasn't seemed that way at the time, I've never known a situation in RL, or seen one on here, come to think of it, where there hasn't been someone else in the picture, in some capacity, and it's come out at some point when it's been the man who's said it.

Although weirdly, I'm feeling a bit this way myself atm (not a man though!), and there definitely isn't anyone else involved. So I guess it can happen.

I have had the 'not in love with you' speech and yes there was another women. Hotly denied by him, but you can't kid a kidder and I saw it a mile off!

I can only think of one situation where there wasn't another woman but the man wanted to be free to sleep with lots of women! So not exactly what you were looking for! Every man I know that had left their partner had someone else in the wings, serious or not.

Carlywurly: broad generalisation but I don't think it's unusual for women to feel that way but men tend not to believe them and assume they have another man on the side

Yes, second serious boyfriend. We'd been together for two years and even though we were still only in our very early twenties I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I loved him so much.

But, he never really felt the same way about me. He gave me that line 'I just don't love you anymore, I'm sorry.' And I think I physically felt my heart break when he said it, or at least I got sharp stabbing pains in my chest and throat

I know for a fact there was no one else involved. And he didn't have another relationship until about a year after we split.

There is always someone in the wings, even if they haven't actually shagged yet. If they haven't shagged, it enables them to take the moral high ground. Apparently.

But as an adult since, I have never known a long term relationship/marriage split up when there hasn't really been someone else involved. Even when one party tries to pretend they just met their new partner 'very quickly' after splitting up.

Yeah right.

I think it is different for a boyfriend to a partner/husband. But even with a boyfriend there could have been someone he fancied even if he never got together with them.

Yes. I did it to my childhood sweetheart. It was out of the blue, he was devastated. His first thought was that I had met another bloke but I hadn't. I felt the relationship wasn't going anywhere and I realised I wasn't in love with him anymore.

So yes, it does happen.

I say childhood sweetheart, he was my first boyfriend from 16 - 20 years of age.

I think the question needs to be reframed in reference to men - not women - because there are huge differences noted in studies about this very issue, that are entirely associated with socialisation and sexual politics and not biology or nature.

IME, women will often leave without a partner to go to, if they have the financial power or support necessary to live on their own and/or with their children.

Whereas IME men rarely leave a relationship without a back-up plan, regardless of other factors.

For men, not on here or in RL.

For a man to leave a well established marriage and his home comforts it is very unusual for them to leave and start again on their own out of their own free choice.

I agaree its more likely with older, married men. Its very strange though isn't it? It seems to suggest that men are hopeless as single people and have to have a few pathetic creature comforts and some female (any female?) in the picture . Or they have a weird relationship to the "institution" of marriage - they won't "let go" unless they have to, a kind of hoarding I know its not funny though, just puzzling.

I left partner of 4 years because I didn't love him anymore. There was no one else involved. I hadn't loved him for about 3 years, just didn't realise it, plus low self esteem - thought I was better off with him. HA.

Thanks for the replies, hopefully will get some more! Its interesting to see that the majority do involve OW.

How many of these partners come running back again, thats something else I wondered? Not that I want mine back

not done to me but i've said it to a partner and it was true. I also have a friend whose boyfriend just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. No one else, he's still single 6 months later. It hurts. Although there being OW involved must be dreadful at least there is someone to blame and some explanation, a target for the anger and pain. What do you do when you get "its not you, its me"? In some ways equally devastating. There is often an overlap between relationships but not always

How many of these partners come running back again, thats something else I wondered

Had that speech from my H - a few days later (thanks to MN's wised up posters) I found evidence of an affair. As soon as I confronted him, the affair fantasy bubble burst, he asked me to let him stay in the marriage.

I've said it a time or two when there wasn't anyone specific, I just no longer wanted to be in a relationship at all. Thing is, because we are all socialised very strongly to form and maintain couple-relationships, a lot of people feel they can't leave an unsatisfactory relationship without the excuse of Someone Else They Love More - because actively wanting to be single is seen as peculiar - unless the behaviour of the partner being dumped is outrageously bad (violence, addiction etc).

I used the "I don't think we should see each other for a while" line once. No OM, 20 months into a relationship. I was 19, he was 27. Interestingly it took him much less time to find someone else than me (and I have my suspicions that something had been going on previously). It was just too much too young for me.

I haven't seen him since btw, and that was 16 years ago

I gave my EA ex the 'not in love with you anymore' speech and there was no one else.. I just didnt want to be miserable anymore. Ex was convinced it was because of an OM and spent an hour screaming at me that I was a f-ing slag and throwing stuff about the house.

Yes me and definitely noone else involved! Havnt read the other posts but Im guessing a higher percentage, there has been, unfortunately!

my dp said it to me less than a year ago. i asked him if he still loved me and he said he didnt know.

i told him if he didnt know then he should leave. he said do you want me to lie? i said no, i want you to go and pack. he spent 30mins upstairs before he said sorry and that he does love me and knew as soon as he said it that it wasnt true.

i told him that he best think about what he says in future, as i was prepared to let him go then.

we have had to have many arguments/frank discussions and say a lot of hurtful truthful things to each other to get to a place were we are no longer on the verge of splitting up.

ive seen no evidence of a OW, but then i havent looked. he knows he is a gonner if there is/was.

i honestly dont think there was. but from reading countless relationship threads- i wouldnt be totally blind sided if there was.

i take the view that if a OW takes your husband, the best revenge is letting her keep him.

Here here sassy34264 glad things worked out for you guys, people give up too early in relationships/marriages!