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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has anyone ever had the I don't love you speech and there hasn't been OW? Just curious?!

46 replies

skyebluesapphire · 03/07/2012 11:46

As it says above really. Is there anyone out there who has had the "I dont love you any more" speech or given the speech and there honestly hasn't been anyone else involved? I mean just out of the blue, not couples who have had problems for ages.

I wondered if it ever happens?! Or if there is always OW?

OP posts:

garlicbutt · 03/07/2012 20:13

I've said it and meant it, as part of an "It's not you, it's me" speech. But I've only heard it from men when there's somebody else. I'm amazed that two posters have said the gender difference is due to socialisation - how so?

I'd kind of assumed, admittedly without thinking about it, that a female partner generally confers more lifestyle benefits on a man than the other way around. That makes them more likely to continue with a partner they don't "love", while a woman needs the emotional involvement to justify the various sacrifices she makes to her relationship.

As I've been utterly single since I gave up being a doormat, I've confirmed my own bias Will someone enlighten me?

CruCru · 03/07/2012 21:24

I have had this. There wasn't an OW but I was studying for exams and he didn't like me not concentrating solely on him. He broke up with me the week before my first exam and then tried to get back together with me the day before my last exam. I said no, obviously.

Feckbox · 03/07/2012 21:26

Yes.
No other women
No other men

DitaVonCheese · 03/07/2012 23:48

Possibly. Not really my story to tell and I don't know all the ins and outs but cousin's BIL left his DW a few years ago with the don't-love-you-never-did line. I think it was generally assumed there was an OW but has been a while now and no other relationship has materialised (unless it didn't work out).

sassy34264 · 04/07/2012 00:55

it can make you paranoid though. you read that there is always a ow, when they say they dont love you.

i asked him outright and he said no. i even said if there is and you tell me now i'll let it go, but if i find out later, its over. still no.

i said that i dont know whether to believe him and in a way it would be easier if he admitted it and then i would know that he was being honest and open and he said, so i'd have to make something up and then our relationship would be better?

and then still, you have in the back of your mind that i've read all this on such abodies thread, and he denied it for 5 years.

honestly, it can drive you mad reading relationship threads!

fortyplus · 04/07/2012 01:25

I have a close male friend who I knew first of all as a friend's husband. They divorced a few years ago because he wasn't happy in their marriage and wanted to try to find happiness with someone else. They lived under the same roof till they'd sorted out the purchase of another house and the divorce then went through.

He refused to start dating until everything was all sorted. He's had several short term relationships since but is still looking for 'the one'.

Original poster

skyebluesapphire · 04/07/2012 09:24

forty yes that's what reasonable people do isn't it? My neighbour didn't love her H after 20 years together, she was only 40 and they had tried for a couple of years to sort it. So they separated amicably. That's what normal people do....

My H walked out saying he didn't love me any more and had been unhappy for a long time.... I didn't know anything was wrong.!! I had no part in his decision, it was a done deed as far as he was concerned.

I posted on here for help and everybody called OW. I had discovered after he left that he was texting best mates wife behind my back but tried hard to dismiss it as nothing as it was his best mates wife and he was living with them.

Posting on here made me see that it could not be innocent even if they weren't sleeping together they had crossed the line into secret contact and sharing secrets with each other.

They still insist that nothing is going on.... That they are just good friends. Despite secret emails, texts and Facebook chars that neither me or her H were aware of......

Just good friends? I don't think so!

It's been interesting to have the replies, obviously people can fall out of love over time but I think the responses show my in case it is deffo the OW that has turned his head.

OP posts:

cocolepew · 04/07/2012 09:27

I fell out of love with my ex fiancee.
There was nobody else involved. We had been together 4 years and I just upped and left straight after telling him.

akaemmafrost · 04/07/2012 09:35

Yes my first ex H said it to me. There was definitely no one else. I was a complete PITA though so I don't blame him. Then he decided to give it another chance, we stayed together another year and I left him for someone else . We were really young though, got married at 19 .

DrowninginDuplo · 04/07/2012 11:27

An ex once said it to me. Whilst there were no OW it was because he wanted to sleep around. Classy chap. So I'm not sure that counts. I was not sorry to see the back of him.

sternface · 04/07/2012 12:00

Something I've learnt about this is that it's difficult to prove a negative. People are understandably very secretive about OW/OMs and so friends, family, acquaintances and especially ex-partners often never know, especially if these relationships are short-lived and fizzle out, or are with people in relationships themselves. This is why it puzzles me when unless speaking for oneself, people say that there 'definitely' wasn't someone else involved.

I'm surprised one poster is surprised about the gender differences, the impact of socialisation and the way society is constructed. The studies are very long and therefore difficult to summarise, but factors such as the expectation that women will be the primary childcarers after divorce (this is changing quite rapidly though) and that women's domestic workload will often decrease without a man in her life, explain some of the differences. Hence because some men have been used to a high level of domestic support and don't fancy doing it themselves, they will often wait for another woman to come along so that 'domestic service' is uninterrupted. There is also less societal opprobrium dished out to men who leave marriages (and the bulk of childcare) behind, whereas a woman who does the same is treated as a social oddity.

The factors that have traditionally influenced women's reasons for leaving only when an OM is in the picture, have tended to be finances and society's perception of their choices. Because in the past women who've left for an OM have nevertheless retained the primary carer role, those judgements haven't been as harsh. But this is changing, as shared parenting and 50-50 residence and child-raising costs are becoming the norm.

Butterflygp · 04/07/2012 12:40

My husband left me nearly 3 months ago now. He said "I love you but I'm not I'n love with you" he claimed there wasn't anyone else but then just after 5 weeks he was shagging a 20 year old. Didn't take him long! We have 2 DD age 3,17 months it has been the worst time of my life :( hope you're ok x

garlicbutt · 04/07/2012 14:02

OK, thanks, Stern. So basically it's the same as I thought, only with data behind it :)

YY, have snurkled a bit at replies saying "definitely not".

blackcatsdancing · 04/07/2012 17:26

i don't know. I know a man who left his long term partner saying there was no one else and he immediately went on dating sites so unless his new squeeze knew and it was an open relationship then there was no one else. Plus he went out most nights and I never heard or saw him cosying up to anyone . I will agree that men generally have a harder time being alone than women but to say all men have a new partner lined up is a bit much. One man i know said his creativity was affected by being in a relationship. He wanted to be alone so he could write songs again! He was pretty young and just wanted freedom. No one else involved.

minmooch · 04/07/2012 17:53

My husband told me 3 months ago he did not love me. No OW. I had been in hospital for 5 and a half months with my 16 year old DS who is very ill with a brain tumour (dh is his step father). An ill step son and the responsibilities that come with it are not what he had in mind when we married 5 years ago. We are currently divorcing and I am moving house in a few weeks.

In my case an OW would be easier to cope with than a 'D'H who could not even be nice to me at the worst time of my life.

akaemmafrost · 04/07/2012 17:56

minmooch.

You are well rid. He will have to live with himself for the rest of his life but luckily you won't.

Hope so much there is a positive outcome for you and your ds .

MistyRocks · 04/07/2012 18:04

interesting thread

i left exDH because i didn't love him anymore, no OM, just wanted to be on my own

but most men i know don't leave until they have someone else. IME this is almost always the case. i did a thread on this a while back.

and :( minmooch agree that you are well rid of your "d"h and hope your son recovers soon x

gettingeasier · 04/07/2012 18:28

minmooch and butterfly hope things get better for you

Well I had the I dont love you speech , xh hooked up with an OW around the same time because as has been said he didnt fancy being single and she couldnt wait to step into my well heeled shoes was a shoulder to cry on

Truth be told though he hadnt loved me for a very long time that, I just didnt want to see it . Thankfully I saw fairly quickly she had done me a favour because it was a clean break , otherwise I think he might have wanted to try again etc and just prolonged the misery whereas he was away long enough for me to realise life would be better without him

raenbow · 04/07/2012 19:28

Funny cos when I was googling this very subject I re-stumbled on MN. Last August after a trip away my H came home and when I asked him was all Ok said no and gave me this speech. Have spent the last 11 months trawling it over with me saying that I will go ( we left the UK to live abroad 5 years ago with his job). There is no one else, well unless you can call his job the OW which is how I feel about it! After 23 years together ( we met when we were very young) and 2 kids still can't decide if to stay or go. He is away for 8 weeks ( work again)and will have to ake a decision soon, as we don't seem to resolve anything and I can't see things improving. So in answer to OP's question ( sorry to ramble on) yes it does happen.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/07/2012 20:29

Raenbow - how do you know for sure that there is no OW?

Kernowgal · 05/07/2012 22:40

My exP said this to me just after we'd got back from holiday, we'd only been together for four months or so. However, he added that he "thought his feelings could develop, because he was very fond of me".

With hindsight I wish I'd kicked him to the kerb there and then, as it was yet another red flag that I should have heeded. Instead I was pathetically grateful for the pathetic crumbs he was throwing me.

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