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Original poster

Rebuilding without a confession

77 replies

dogearedtooth · 03/07/2012 10:54

Is it possible to move on from an affair if the DH does not confess to having had a physical relationship with OW, even in the face of some pretty damning evidence?

I am asking for advice to enable me to help a friend in this situation and would appreciate some anecdotes from people in similar situations who have or have not been able to do this.

Thanks Smile.

OP posts:
twotwofourfour · 03/07/2012 10:56

I would think that in order to remedy a relationship you need 100% openness... swiping thing sunder the carpet doesn't sound like a good start...

good luck to your friend

Original poster
dogearedtooth · 03/07/2012 11:04

But how can you be sure that you have 100% openness? DH is explaining away rooms booked in hotels by saying he never stayed etc.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2012 11:06

Tell your friend that nothing short of 100% honesty is acceptable as a starting point. If she's only just found out about the affair she'll probably be in that shock phase where she's happy to believe anything and do anything to get her husband back. Remind her that there's no rush and tell that, even with full disclosure, remorse, promises to change on his part, therapy and the rest, she may still find she cannot trust or forgive and therefore cannot rebuild. And if that happens she would be entirely normal.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2012 11:07

If she doesn't believe him then that's enough reason to say there's no chance of a rebuild. A good relationship is based upon trust. As she clearly doesn't trust what he says, it will never be a good relationship.

melbie · 03/07/2012 11:08

If he lies about that he could be lying about any number of things. He needs to be completely open. Otherwise the trust can never be rebuilt and there will always be doubt

Original poster
dogearedtooth · 03/07/2012 11:12

Cognito, her DH has told her that he doesn't love her and it has become clear to her that there has been an OW on the scene for about a year now. OW's DH knows and there is contact between my friend and him. He has "chucked out" his DW so friend is reluctant to push her DH into OW's arms so to speak. My friend has 3 DC btw and her DH has said he will stay for their sakes.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2012 11:13

Then tell her not to be so silly and to walk away from this horrible man. How crap would your self-esteem have to be to accept that your husband doesn't like you any more and is only there under suffrance....?

DamselInTornDress · 03/07/2012 11:14

Without remorse with the full truth she can't forgive because she can't forgive him what he is still denying.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2012 11:15

He's not asking for forgiveness, he's making out he's doing her a favour!!! Arsewipe.

Original poster
dogearedtooth · 03/07/2012 11:16

She loves him and wants to do what's best for her DC Sad.

OP posts:
MonkeyRisotto · 03/07/2012 11:20

I really doubt it, you have to rebuild trust and how can you do that if you cannot believe such a fundamental part of the equation?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2012 11:23

And what's best for her DC is living in a house watching their mum gradually sink into depression because she's taken back their wanker of a Dad and realises she's made a massive mistake? Why do people think children don't have eyes and ears? Why do they persist in modelling a dysfunctional marriage in front of their kids and think they can pass it off as normal?

Your friend is being stupid if she doesn't think, the minute he gets off the leash, he'll be back round at his newly single girlfriend's place. He's done a complete number on her hasn't he?

Or is the 'friend' you?

DowagersHump · 03/07/2012 11:26

It isn't best for children to be in a home where their parents' relationship is built on emotional blackmail.

Original poster
dogearedtooth · 03/07/2012 11:30

No, the friend is not me.

I feel so unable to help her. The DC are aware that things are not good as there has been lots of arguing and cancelled holidays etc since it became apparent there was someone else.

He has said that he is sorry that all this has happened but that he just doesn't love her and hasn't for years. She feels, I think, that the OW (purportedly beautiful) has turned his head and that when he gets over this infatuation they can get back to normal as a family.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2012 11:34

When/if he gets over the infatuation what is your friend left with? Short-term relief that things are 'back to normal' but the horrible realisation that she was and always will be his second choice. Living with that knowledge can kill a person eventually.

hidingbeneathanamechange · 03/07/2012 11:35

What an utterly vile man. OW is probably wibbling now her DH has chucked her out and thinking about going back to him, so your friend's (vile)H is hanging around at home under the pretences of doing the right thing, for now.

Original poster
dogearedtooth · 03/07/2012 11:42

My friend is a SAHM and has been for years and her DH earns a lot of money. The DC are at an independent school and they have a very enviable lifestyle. I don't know if these things are affecting her judgement or not.

She did have a good job/own flat/car etc when she first met her DH but then gave up work when DS1 born (partly because she developed a condition that meant she could no longer do what she was trained to do), that was about 12 years ago.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2012 11:49

No-one likes to give up what they're familiar with, whether there's money involved or not. 'Lone parent' can be the two most scary words in the English language. Divorce settlements being what they are I'm sure she'd be well set up financially if they split, but her real problem is that she can't visualise being in the world as a single person. She is still thinking 'we' and not 'I'.

Original poster
dogearedtooth · 03/07/2012 11:55

Part of me thinks that if he told her the truth (well, that which seems obvious to me) she would leave him - well, she has sad as much but I don't really understand her logic. I think it might be because she always said that she would iykwim.

I agree that the idea of being a SP terrifies her.

OP posts:
Original poster
dogearedtooth · 03/07/2012 12:12

Is there anything that I can do to help?

I have recommended the Shirley Glass book that is mentioned a lot on these boards.

My friend is so lovely and she and her DH used to look like a couple very much in love. Another friend of mine managed to successfully rebuild her marriage after a similar thing but the crucial difference is that he came clean. Thinking about it now though, he had no choice as OW (single, no kids) told my friend everything. On the other hand, this OW has a DH and a DC so it is not in her interest to tell the truth either. They are both maintaining the line (IMO although I could be wrong) that they have never slept together and have sent texts to the wounded parties apologising for their deep friendship and promising to keep away from each other.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2012 12:18

What she wants, I suspect, is not to have to make a decision. Because all the decisions she can make at this point look bloody awful. Take him back when he's said straight up he doesn't care about her and having to pretend it's all OK for the kids - horrible. Kick him out, see the kids upset, and watch him sail into the sunset with the new girlfriend - horrible. Maybe she thinks that if she doesn't know the truth she'll find it easier to pretend everything's normal? Doubt it.

PooPooInMyToes · 03/07/2012 12:22

It won't work at the moment because

a, he's not being honest

b, he's staying in his marriage because of the children only

c, he makes it sound as though he is doing his wife a favour

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2012 12:23

Sorry but 'texts' to wounded parties..... Hmm They are really taking the piss, aren't they?

ChitChatFlyingby · 03/07/2012 12:35

She hasn't got the confession she 'wants', but she has got the confession she doesn't want - that he doesn't love her. Who cares about the affair at this point, he has said he doesn't love her and will only tolerate having her around because of the DC. Exactly how do you build on that?!

If she's not ready to kick him out, she still needs to start working on herself. Find out what she would be entitled to if they did split up and how she would manage on that. Work out whether she wants/needs to get back into the workforce, and start to do something about that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2012 12:38

"I feel so unable to help her"

Should have said... you can't really help as such beyond listening. You're entitled to give an opinion if you're asked for one & express your concerns if you have them. Otherwise it's a case of listening to the tale of woe unfold, offering support and batting it back every so often by asking 'what are you going to do about it?' Avoid giving a direct answer to 'should I stay or should I go?' because if you pick the wrong one, it'll get awkward.

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